Harris & Walz Ticket Praised

While many commentators were surprised that Vice-President Kamala Harris chose Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz to be her running mate, prominent members of the progressive left enthusiastically endorsed the choice.

The Democratic Socialists of America (DSA) took credit for "steering Harris away from the Jewish enabler of Palestinian genocide to pick the most socialist of the options under consideration. Her next steps must be an immediate ceasefire in Palestine and an embargo on all arms to Israel."

The Black Muslim Leadership Council Fund called "the rise of Harris to be the Democrat presidential nominee and her choice of Gov. Walz to be her running mate is a dramatic improvement over Biden's flaccid support for the liberation of Palestine from Israeli occupation. Pushing the demented fool aside was a masterstroke that shows this ticket has the ruthlessness that will be instrumental for assisting Islam's quest to conquer the world for Allah."

Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) said "this is the most progressive pair of running mates in American history. Gov. Walz's snitch line for residents to turn in their neighbors for violating his pandemic edicts added thousands of eyes to aid police in tracking down the non-obedient. This ingeniously brought Soviet-style tactics to America. The election of this dynamic duo will show that voters are no longer frightened by socialism."

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton singled out "Walz's directive that all school restrooms--including those for boys--must provide free tampons is a common sense and compassionate policy. It will help shy boys overcome their fears of transitioning to girls."

Rep. Jamaal Bowman (D-NY) called the choice "incredible! Inspiring, uplifting, we're bringing joy back into politics. We're talking about real freedom: freedom from gun ownership, freedom to terminate a baby you don't want, freedom from the drudgery of working to support yourself, we're taking America back for the people!"

Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) observed "we finally have a ticket that is unabashedly in favor of abortion. We're free of the 'personally opposed' waffling that bogged down progress during the Biden Administration. Gov. Walz has a perfect 0% pro-life score from National Right to Life. He even apologized for accidentally voting for a bill in 2018 that protected the lives of babies who survive botched abortions. Together they will achieve the reductions in human population needed to save the climate from being destroyed."

In related news, in Arizona, Maricopa County Superior Court Judge Christopher Whitten ordered the phrase "unborn human being" stricken from the ballot language of a proposition to make abortion a "fundamental right" in the state's constitution. "It's not that the phrase is inaccurate," Judge Whitten admitted, "but the proposition's advocates--the ACLU and Planned Parenthood--prefer more neutral terminology. The feeling is that if voters are reminded that a human life is being taken they may be reluctant to vote for the measure."

PM Refutes "Two-Tier Justice" Charge

British Prime Minister Kier Starmer's resort to harsh measures to suppress public unrest over the murders of young girls at a Taylor Swift dance party spurred accusations that laws are not being enforced equally. Starmer called these charges "baseless. We are long past the delusion that justice can be attained by treating everyone the same. Different situations need to be treated differently."

"Saddened as we are by the murders of those young girls we must understand the context in which they occurred," the Prime Minister insisted. "The 17-year-old assailant comes from a culture where female promiscuity is rigorously condemned and suppressed. When females are young they have their clitoris goughed out by an older female relative while family members hold them down. They are forced to wear loose clothing covering their entire bodies. They are not allowed out in public without being accompanied by an adult male relative or husband. Females who do not adhere to these requirements are considered to be prostitutes or worse. Raping or killing them is considered justified."

"In contrast, the British louts who are disturbing the peace do not have the same cultural approval," the PM pointed out. "Our nation has a lengthy tradition of obedience to the law and toleration of differences in beliefs and lifestyles. These louts cannot make the same claim of innocence that an impetuous 17-year-old can. They have no grounds for seeking mercy."

Starmer went on to recount the actions taken by Minnesota Governor Tim Walz during the 2020 riots in his state, saying "Minneapolis police had just murdered the beloved and heroic George Floyd. Members of his race expressed a rage stoked by this latest abuse against a people enslaved for centuries by white racists. Businesses were looted. Buildings were set on fire. People were killed. But Gov. Walz understood the context. He called it a 'righteous rage' and took a different course than if it had been an ordinary riot."

Free speech advocate Elon Musk was not persuaded by Starmer's argument. "The clash of cultures in the UK was brought on by the flood of unassimilated immigrants from Africa and the Middle East," Musk asserted. "The barbaric behavior of some of these immigrants has resulted in some horrific crimes. Too often, the consequences for the offenders have been extraordinarily lenient. Consider one comparison: immigrant Al Soaimi was sentenced to 180 hours of community service for raping a 12-year-old girl; citizen Sam Melia was sentenced to 24 months in prison for selling anti-immigration stickers. A traumatic physical assault gets a slap on the wrist. A wrong political opinion gets one locked up. This is seriously messed up."

"We may not be able to get our hands on Musk," Starmer lamented, "but anyone who uses the Internet to post or 'retweet' criticisms of our policies will be tracked down and punished. This includes extraditing individuals living in other countries. In a time of strife we must have complete unity behind the government."

In related news, seven Christians aboard a bus protesting the mockery of the Last Supper during the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games were arrested at gunpoint by French police and held for 24 hours before they were released. The Paris prosecutor acknowledged "though their actions brought Olympics officials into disrepute, we are sorry to say no actual laws were broken. Perhaps the inconvenience of being under arrest for a day will deter them from future antics of a similar nature."

Solar Panel Subsidy Flop

The Biden/Harris billion dollar plan to provide Puerto Rico a secure source of energy has come to nothing. Secretary of the US Department of Energy Jennifer Granholm explained "we figured that a place with as much sunshine as Puerto Rico gets would be a natural fit for a solar panel solution. But after three years of effort and expense we realized that the same hurricanes that destroy the structures people live and work in would also destroy the solar panels installed on their roofs."

Granholm insisted that "it wasn't a total loss. We learned that (1) the solar option isn't feasible in this type of environment; (2) hundreds of people had jobs while we were learning the product was unsuitable for the weather experienced in the region; and (3) the expenditure of money that would otherwise have been wasted on frivolous outlays if left in the taxpayers' hands boosted our Gross Domestic Product statistics."

"Where do we go from here?" the Secretary asked. "Well, the obvious answer seems to be wind-generated energy. Hurricanes release an enormous quantity of wind energy. If we can build wind turbines strong enough to survive these storms we could obtain a virtually limitless supply of energy for places like Puerto Rico. If voters choose to stay the course by electing the Harris/Walz team I'm confident that we could easily double the success we've had so far with non-fuel-burning methods for producing electric power."

Bag Ban Backfires

In an effort to reduce the amount of plastic waste, California banned single-use plastic grocery bags in 2016. The thicker reusable totes that replaced these bags aren't, in fact, reused as often as had been hoped. Health concerns about reusing contaminated cloth bags led to stores offering customers sturdier reusable plastic bags for a small fee--typically ten cents per bag. However, most customers threw these bags out after a single use. The result is that the amount of plastic the state dumped into the Pacific Ocean soared from 157,385 tons in 2014 to 231,072 tons in 2022.

The editors of the Los Angeles Times are calling for "a do over. What we need is a nationwide war on plastic containers of all types. No place of business should be permitted to hand out or sell any bags, boxes, or containers made of plastic that aren't 100% recyclable. California's Plastic Pollution Prevention and Packaging Producer Responsibility Act of 2022 set 2032 as the date when this goal has to be achieved, but this only deals with California and is too far into the future."

Luckily, the Biden Administration has just announced a plan to phase out the procurement of single-use plastics from food service operations, events and packaging by 2027, and from all federal operations by 2035. This includes plastic and polystyrene food and beverage containers, bottles, straws, cups, cutlery and disposable plastic bags. Michael Regan, Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency, said "glass bottles, paper cups & straws, and metal cutlery were good enough for our grandparents. We are wealthy enough to bear the added costs and strong enough to endure the lesser convenience of these alternate materials. There's no excuse for us not to do this."

Sen. James Lankford (R-Ok) observed that "higher costs and inconvenience was what motivated the shift away from the methods utilized by our grandparents. Perhaps we shouldn't be in such a rush to reverse course in a time when so many families are struggling to keep up with the rising cost of living."

Former Congresswoman Singled Out for Surveillance

It was revealed this week that Federal Air Marshals have been assigned to tail former Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (D-Hi) whenever she flies on commercial airlines in the United States because she has been put on the suspected terrorist watchlist.

Rep. Tim Burchett (R-Tenn) wondered "why is this well-regarded former member of Congress, former Democratic candidate for president, and US Army veteran considered a potential national security threat?"

Gabbard speculated that "my recent criticism of Vice-President Harris' lack of fitness to hold the office of president seems to have inspired the Department of Homeland Security to classify me as a security threat. This vindicates my 2022 decision to leave the Democratic Party. When differences of opinion on political issues are used as grounds for spying on people, pressuring social media to censor opposing views, and declaring dissenters enemies of democracy it's pretty clear that our government has veered into tyranny territory."

Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas pointed out that "it was only three weeks ago when a young man who considered former president Donald Trump unfit to be president tried to assassinate him. As a military veteran Ms Gabbard has the combat experience needed to succeed where Mr. Crooks failed. In addition, a highly reliable source has alleged that Ms. Gabbard is a Russian asset. By keeping tabs on her it is our hope that we can prevent her from attempting to eliminate Vice-President Harris by violent means."

In contrast, in April of this year the FBI allowed Asif Raza Merchant to enter the US under a special permission known as "significant public benefit parole" even though he was flagged on a terrorism watchlist and had recently traveled to Iran. Merchant used his time in the US to organize an assassination plot targeting Trump and other American politicians known to be opposed to Islamic world domination. His attempt to recruit undercover law-enforcement personal as trigger men eventually led to his arrest.

Biden Should Be Added to Mt Rushmore

Though many credit her for getting President Biden to drop out of the 2024 race for the presidency, former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) denied "doing anything more than appeal to his better nature. And it worked. He gracefully stepped aside so the Democratic Party could install Vice-President Harris as its presidential nominee. He demonstrated a greatness that is rare and worthy of eternal glorification by having his face carved on Mt. Rushmore."

"His accomplishments is office were monumental," Pelosi added. "As he has said himself on multiple occasions he cured the economy, beat covid, secured the border, stopped Russian aggression, defeated Donald Trump by getting more votes than any previous president in our nation's history, and saved democracy. By handing the torch to Kamala Harris he has gifted the nation with the best possible legacy for freedom for generations to come. He's more than worthy. When we're ready to replace the faces of former slave-owners Washington and Jefferson on the mountain I can think of no better person to claim the vacated space."