Multi-Billionaire Terrorist Killed

This week, Ismail Haniyeh, one of the top three multi-billionaire Hamas leaders, was killed in Tehran by a bomb. He was visiting to meet with Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei and participate in the inauguration ceremony of new Iranian president Masoud Pezeshkian.

While Iranian authorities initially attributed the death to an Israeli air strike, further analysis revealed that the explosive device had been secretly planted in an Islamic Revolutionary Guards Corps safe house for visiting friends of the regime two months prior to its remote detonation--a strategy that Pezeshkian characterized as "cowardly."

In a statement issued from their luxury hotel in Qatar, Haniyeh's surviving fellow terrorist kleptocrats Moussa Abu Marzuk and Khaled Mashal, vowed "to divide Haniyeh's $4 billion estate between us so we can continue the fight to free Palestine of Jews." This $4 billion is part of the $11 billion the three of them jointly claimed "is our fair share of the aid foreigners have sent to Gaza. Leading these people is a difficult and dangerous job. Those of us tasked with this job deserve adequate compensation."

Give the squalor, poverty, and suffering of the people he claims to be serving, Mashal still rebuffed criticism of his lavish lifestyle, saying "since before the days of Mohamed it has always been important for leaders to demonstrate their right to rule. Having the best of everything shows the people their leaders are powerful and makes them obey. This is the way it has always been and will continue to be."

Gov. Whitmer "Proud of My Pandemic Response"

Despite demonstrating an appalling ignorance of the severe acute respiratory syndrome (SARS) disease and admitting that most of the coercive actions she took did more harm than good, Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D-Mich) told CNN that she is "proud of my pandemic response. Back then we had no way of knowing that the SARS virus would be respiratory in nature. We didn't know that elderly individuals in poor health would be especially vulnerable until thousands of the them died after we sent old folks who had the virus to live in nursing homes with old folks who didn't."

"Ironically, some of the things we forced on people--masks, six-foot social distancing, and plastic panels between cashiers and customers--turned out to be totally useless," the Governor sheepishly acknowledged. "The ventilators we were all clamoring for turned out to be the coup de grace for many of the patients we were trying to save. The vaccines we were urging folks to get turned out to be largely ineffective in preventing people from catching or transmitting the disease. And it now looks like the ivermectin and hydroxychloroquine we tried so hard to ban actually did save lives. Who could've predicted such a topsy-turvy outcome?"

Though it was known pretty early in the pandemic that children were virtually immune from the SARS virus, on March 12, 2020 Whitmer ordered all Michigan schools to close. The closure was later extended to the end of the school year in June of 2020. Most schools adopted remote learning procedures. It wasn't until December 21 that Whitmer authorized high schools to begin in-person instruction. Subsequent analysis indicated that remote learning was not an effective substitute for in-person instruction. An unanticipated "silver lining" of the unnecessary harm caused by the loss of in-person instruction was the opportunity for parents to see some of the obscene and biased propaganda their children were being fed.

On March 16, 2020 Whitmer ordered all "non-life-sustaining businesses" to close. Asked to clarify this vague order, the Governor explained "I would encourage any business that is not sure if they're life-sustaining, to probably assume that they are not and close in order to avoid being fined and losing their licenses." A substantial portion of the state's small businesses were not able to survive this months-long mandated shutdown.

In related news, Michigan Secretary of State Jocelyn Benson (D) announced that "I am implementing a 'panic button' system that will permit election officials to quickly call for assistance in the event of an emergency. If poll watchers get too nosy about the counting or a serious shortage of Democrats casting ballots is detected state law-enforcement personnel can be dispatched to arrest the offending poll watchers or deliver sufficient pre-filled ballots to eliminate any shortages. This will ensure that this year's elections remain as secure as those of 2020 and 2022."

Facebook Admits Error

Meta Public Affairs Director Dani Lever acknowledged that Facebook's censorship of the post-assassination attempt photo of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump "was a mistake. Our basic operating premise regarding everything showing Trump in a good light is that it must be disinformation. This photo showed him allegedly surviving a gunshot wound and defiantly urging his supports to fight. Later, as evidence seemed to build verifying that there actually had been a shooting, that a bullet pierced Trump's ear and was within an inch of killing him, we reluctantly concluded that the photo was genuine."

Lever admitted that "hearing Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg say 'seeing Donald Trump get up after getting shot in the face and pump his fist in the air with the American flag is one of the most bad-ass things I've ever seen in my life. On some level as an American, it's like hard to not get kind of emotional about that spirit and that fight, and I think that that's why a lot of people like the guy.' This was a definite turning point for me. I knew right then that we had to change our story."

While Trump's "spirit and fight" was not enough to earn Zuckberg's endorsement, he said "I'm not planning on being involved in this year's election. In 2020 my wife and I spent $400 million to help the Democrats win that election. From the way things turned out that did not seem to generate the kind of return on our investment that we had hoped for. Now, the main thing that I hear from people is that they actually want to see less political content on our services because they come to our services to connect with people. We're going to try that for awhile and see how it impacts our bottom line."

Buttigieg Pushes Abortion Freedom

Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg used a "White Dupes for Harris" fundraising event to tell 20,000 prospective donors that "Vice-President Harris has women's health freedom as Exhibit A in her case for voters to elect her president. But it's not only women who will benefit from a nationwide right to a free abortion at any time and for any reason. Men will be freed from the obligation to pay to support the children who are aborted."

The Secretary used statistics to buttress his argument, pointing out that "87% of abortions are performed on unmarried women and 64% of them report that the father of the unwanted child is the strongest advocate for the termination of the pregnancy. This is pretty clear evidence that men also have some 'skin in the game' when it comes to reproductive care and treatment."

He went on to say "compare the universal reproductive freedom advocated by Democrats to the confusing patchwork of state-by-state approaches we are left with after the Supreme Court overturned the nationwide grant of the right to an abortion in their 1973 Roe v. Wade decision. Now some states have no limits, but others do. In some places, no abortions after 15 weeks of pregnancy are allowed. In other places minors cannot get abortions without their parent's consent. This is especially hard on the men who have impregnated minors. At minimum, their identities will become known and they will be stigmatized, perhaps for life. The only way out of this nightmare is to elect Democrats across-the-board for president, senate, and house."

In related news, the City Council of Richmond, Virginia voted unanimously to sell an acre of city-owned land with an estimated market value of $600,000 to Planned Parenthood for $10. Council Member Andreas Addison explained "we're just trying to stay ahead of the curve. With Vice-President Kamala Harris expected to be the declared winner of the 2024 presidential election we felt we needed to be proactive in order to help ensure that her promise that every birthing person who wants an abortion can get it can be fulfilled. By essentially giving away this valuable property to Planned Parenthood we feel we are doing our part to make this happen."

Dem Solutions for Illegal Immigration

With polls showing a surge of voter support for Democratic presidential nominee Vice-President Kamala Harris, the Party is batting around ideas on how they will solve the border crisis once they control the executive branch and have majorities in both Houses of Congress after the election.

Sen. Edward Markey (D-Mass) is crafting "a Destination Reception Assistance Act to promote self-sufficiency among the masses of new arrivals. Right now the majority of these people are too dependent on government-provided goods and services that are too Spartan in nature. They get government-provided housing, food, and transportation. This is not a fit lifestyle for folks destined to become American citizens. Our economy is strong as a direct result of new immigrants. What unites us is the unshakable belief that no matter where you come from, no matter your circumstances, you deserve to live safely, be treated with respect, and have access to the opportunities our nation offers. By providing each of them with an annual guaranteed income this legislation will make that pledge a reality."

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) agreed and added "just giving them money is not enough. Without the right to vote they have no say in the election of those like us who are dedicated to serving their interests. I know some jurisdictions are allowing non-citizens to vote, but this option has inspired lawsuits that will deter other jurisdictions from taking this path. Right now, everyone who applies for a driver's license is asked if they'd like to register to vote. I think if an immigrant says yes he or she should be considered a citizen. Voting is the most sacred duty of a citizen. Anyone willing to assume this duty should automatically be considered a citizen."

Harris pointed out that "getting these newcomers to vote could provide sizable contributions to the margins of victory for Democrats in blue states and maybe even be enough to change red states into blue states. We can't continue to let MAGA haters obstruct us from recognizing the right to vote as an essential human right and not having it contingent on one's place of birth or the ability to navigate the extraordinarily complex process we now have for becoming a naturalized citizen."

"What I Saw Made Me Ashamed"

In testimony on the July 13 attempted assassination of Donald Trump at a political rally in Butler, Pennsylvania, Acting Secret Service Director Ronald Rowe told the Senate Judiciary Committee and Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee, "what I saw made me ashamed. As a career law enforcement officer, and a twenty-five-year veteran with the Secret Service, I cannot defend the cascade of security failures that occurred. I accept full responsibility."

Sen. Josh Hawley (R-Mo) said "I have heard from a whistleblower that you personally cut the security resources available to cover the Butler rally and have retaliated against agents who expressed security concerns regarding these cuts. Is this true?"

"I have already said that I'm ashamed and have taken full responsibility," Rowe replied. "What more do you want?"

"We've already heard Director Kimberly Cheatle say she took 'full responsibility' and she resigned," Hawley said. "Are you resigning?"

"No." Rowe said. "You've already gotten your pound of flesh. Someone has to stay on to provide continuity of leadership. If everyone who had a hand in this fiasco resigned there'd be no one left to answer the phones."

"Isn't the Counter Surveillance Division (CSD) normally sent to do an onsite evaluation for the type of event the Trump campaign held?" Hawley asked. "My whistleblower says that if personnel from CSD had been present at the rally, the gunman would have been handcuffed in the parking lot after being spotted with a rangefinder. Why weren't they there that day?"

"We don't have unlimited resources," Rowe pointed out. "As former Director Cheatle has mentioned, we also had to provide security for the First Lady at another event in Pennsylvania on the same day. Protecting her was considered, and still would be considered, a higher priority than protecting any private citizen."

"The Pennsylvania police say they were expecting a pre-event briefing, but never got one?" the Senator said. "Why not?"

"Look, I've already admitted there was a cascade of failures that day--insufficient security personnel, poor communication, confusion over who was supposed to shoot who, allowing Trump to walk into the killing zone after we knew a potential shooter was spotted at the site," Rowe conceded. "It's a miracle that Trump wasn't killed. Can't we just be satisfied that he was darn lucky he didn't have his brains blown out?"

"Why were the communications recordings among Secret Service agents at the event erased?" Hawley wondered.

"It's standard procedure." Rowe said. "We're trying to be efficient with the taxpayers' money by reusing the recording space."

"I can understand that might apply when there are no incidents worthy of note at an event, but shouldn't every piece of evidence--word, videos, photos, witnesses be preserved when someone gets shot?" the Senator suggested.

"I don't disagree with you about that, but as I've already said, there were so many failures that day," Rowe reminded him. "Mistakenly erasing those recordings was one of them. I'm sorry to say that we may never know the full truth about what happened."