IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

More About: Humor

SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: May 12, 2024 Edition

Biden Dismisses Soaring Prices

This week in an interview with CNN's Erin Burnett, President Biden dismissed the 30% rise in food prices since he took office, saying "people can afford it. Thanks to Bidenomics, they have the money to spend. I've personally canceled billions of dollars in student debt. We're putting newly arrived immigrants up in hotels and feeding them. We're subsidizing electric vehicles so drivers don't have to pay high gas prices. Most of us have credit cards, savings, or EBTs. Many of our cities have effectively legalized shoplifting items of less than a thousand dollars. There's no crisis. The Republicans are gas-lighting folks for political advantage."

"What about the trillions of dollars in outstanding debt?" Burnett asked. "How is that going to be repaid?"

"What most people don't understand is that it doesn't have to be paid off," Biden explained. "It can simply be refunded by issuing more debt which the Federal Reserve will buy by creating more money."

"Perhaps that will suffice for the federal government's debt, but what about the $17 trillion in household debt?" Burnett wondered. "Who is going to pay off this debt?"

"Look, debt is just a piece of paper indicating who owes money to who," Biden pointed out. "If the debt isn't paid the assets securing the debt are merely transferred to someone else. If you file for bankruptcy you don't have to pay your debts. If they foreclose on your home many cities are offering improved shelters for the homeless. You could also try squatting in a deserted house. That's been a growing trend for dealing with the housing problem. There are also charities that provide free meals. The notion that things are bad and getting worse fails to mention all the avenues of escape that I've just listed. We mustn't let fear mongering scare voters into electing Republicans in November."

RFK Takes Extreme Abortion Stance

In a bid to outflank Biden for the women's vote, independent presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. came out in favor of abortion at any time and for any reason up until birth, saying "every baby's death is a tragedy. Many of them leave permanent trauma on a woman. But I think, ultimately, I don't trust government to have jurisdiction over people's bodies."

This announcement stunned RFK's running mate Nicole Shanahan who insisted "that is not Bobby's position, at least as far as I understand it. My understanding is that he absolutely believes in limits on abortion, and we've talked about this. I don't know where the 'any time for any reason' came from."

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, a one-time presidential nominee herself, suggested that "the worm that ate part of Kennedy's brain could explain it. His up until birth limit neglects to account for fetuses that survive an abortion. What is to be done with them?"

"The bottom line is that women shouldn't place their trust in a candidate with only half a brain," Clinton asserted. "They should stick with Biden. He has a whole brain and a proven track record on the abortion issue. He has already pledged that if he is reelected he will get Congress to codify Roe v. Wade or if Republicans hold the majority he will get the job done via executive order. And he won't leave any loopholes that could thwart the objective of the abortion decision."

In related news, the United States is one of only eight countries where the national law allows abortion on demand without any gestational limits. The other seven are Australia, Canada, China, Guinea-Bissau, Mexico, South Korea, and Vietnam. One hundred and seventy-eight countries prohibit abortions after 15 weeks of gestation. France, Sweden, New Zealand, Iceland, the Netherlands, Colombia and Singapore allow abortions up to the end of the second trimester. Presidential Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre said "though he is personally opposed to abortion, President Biden takes great pride in leading America into the ranks of the most progressive protectors of women's reproductive rights."

Judge Weighing Trump Request

Former President Donald Trump's unusual request to be given "liberty or death" after the latest gag order fine imposed on him by Judge Juan Merchan, who is presiding over the trial in New York City, is being taken under consideration.

"Strictly speaking, it would not appear that a judge could normally decide whether to grant a plea of 'give me liberty or give me death,'" Merchan observed. "However, this is not a normal prosecution. Unprecedented actions have been taken to overrule the statute of limitations that normally would've prevented this trial from taking place. Charges that were previously dismissed by the Federal Election Commission (FEC) have been creatively incorporated into this case. The justification for these extraordinary actions is that the defendant represents the most serious threat to democracy in American history."

"On the one hand, the defendant's request for liberty cannot be granted based on the seriousness of the charges against him," the Judge declared. "On the other hand, his request for death could end the threat he poses. Some counsel that giving him death would worsen the situation by making him a martyr that would inspire a popular uprising against the democratically elected government. Others advise that Americans' love of luxury is too strong for them to risk a direct confrontation with federal troops and that eliminating the leader of the populist opposition to the government will eliminate the threat."

"I will confer with Attorney General Garland over the next week to seek his approval of a course of action," Merchan said. "I'm thinking that putting Trump behind bars for ignoring my gag order may spark the same sort of despondency in Trump that led to Epstein hanging himself when he was put behind bars. Death by his own hand could defuse the support of those who viewed Trump as a fighter and quell any rebellion."

In related news, Judge Arthur Engoron is under investigation on claims that he received advice from prominent New York City real estate attorney, Adam Leitman Bailey before he imposed a $454 million judgment against Trump for inflating the value of his assets to obtain a bank loan that was subsequently repaid-in-full. Engoron insists that "I was not influenced in the least by any advice from Mr. Bailey. I hate Trump and am determined to do whatever I can to neutralize the threat he poses to our democracy."

Former GOP VP Nominee Won't Vote for Trump

Former Congressman and Republican vice-presidential candidate in the 2012 election Paul Ryan confirmed that "I will not be voting for Donald Trump no matter what. Character matters. I cannot support a person of low character for the top job in our government."

Ryan fended off criticism of President Joe Biden's character, saying "using his position in government to obtain bribes for his family and himself are the normal kind of abuse of power that is common in our politics. Almost everyone does it--Republicans and Democrats alike. Our country has and can continue to survive this type of self-serving misuse of the public trust. The amounts of money involved are trivial in the context of trillions of dollars in government spending each year. That's why none of these people are being prosecuted."

"In contrast, Trump is being prosecuted in New York, Florida, Georgia, and Washington, DC," Ryan pointed out. "He is the kind of criminal that our system of government cannot abide. He is an existential threat to the entire system. His personal wealth insulates him from being influenced by the movers and shakers of the world--the big wheels who shape public policies via their donations to ensure the continuity of the established institutions, policies, and expenditures of the permanent government. Industries like weapons manufacturing, pharmaceuticals, and healthcare that are absolutely dependent upon government spending would face major disruptions if Trump is allowed to win the 2024 election."

Ryan did admit that "I won't be voting for Biden, though. He's not competent for the job. His reelection would be a disaster for the country. Instead, I'll be writing in the name of my former running mate Sen. Mitt Romney on my ballot come November."

FBI to Resume Election Censorship Activities

Even though US District Court Judge Terry Doughty found the FBI's efforts to pressure social media companies to censor content the government maintained was disinformation violated the First Amendment and issued an injunction barring federal agencies from continuing the practice, Sen. Mark Warner (D-Va), chair of the Senate Intelligence Committee, says "FBI spokesman William Truncheon informed me that they are gearing up to resume these efforts heading into the 2024 election season. Though Judge Doughty's ruling was upheld by the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals, the Supreme Court lifted the injunction until it rules on the Murthy v. Missouri case this summer."

Truncheon asserted that "the lifting of the injunction means we are cleared to continue this vital activity for preventing security threats to the nation. Sometimes words that are true endanger the survival of the government and need to be censored. The Supreme Court recognizes this. That's why we've been given their 'go ahead.' Let's not forget that it was the FBI's successful effort to censor and discredit the true information on Hunter Biden's laptop during the 2020 election campaign that was instrumental in enabling the defeat of Trump. Since Trump is again the main threat to the survival of the government the same urgency to stifle anti-government rhetoric and evidence still exists."

Former President and current Republican nominee for president Donald Trump argued that "the intended censorship is the clearest proof we have that Democrats and the deep state are the real enemies of democracy. The First Amendment was enacted by our nation's founding generation in an effort to give freedom of speech the full support of our laws. Allowing people to speak is essential if we are to have a government by, of, and for the people."

Truncheon called Trump's remarks "pure propaganda. The First Amendment only bars Congress from infringing on speech. The Founders wisely left a path open for the executive branch--of which the FBI is part--to interdict dangerous ideas from polluting public debate. We are going to use that path to silence Trump's and his minions' demagoguery."

Migrant Horror Stories

In Britain, the vast majority of gang rapes are committed by Pakistani Muslims.

In Denmark, "asylum seekers" from Muslim countries commit more crimes than citizens born in Denmark.

In Sweden, more than 50% of the rapes are committed by "foreign born" assailants. Because of its open borders policy toward refugees from Muslim countries Sweden also has a firearms homicide rate twice that of any other European nation.

In Germany, Marie-Thérèse Kaiser was fined $6,500 for publicly mentioning official government statistics showing that a disproportionate number of rapes are committed by Afghan "refugees."

In the United Kingdom, the prediction that admitting large numbers of third world migrants into western nations would stimulate their economies has not been fulfilled. Amid record levels of immigration GDP per person has fallen by .8% in the last year.

In Denver a group of migrants camped in the downtown area presented a list of 13 demands including that the city provide them with free culturally appropriate food, medical care, lawyers, and privacy. After these demands are met the migrants say they may agree to move into "appropriate" shelters (i.e., hotels with free room service).

Meanwhile, in Washington, DC, President Biden called illegal immigrants "model citizens" and bragged that "bringing in eight million more Hispanic voters has been a great success."