At any rate, Rice President Betsy Ward advises, "If you see depleted rice shelves in your local grocery store, it is not a supply problem; it is a signifier of changing logistics in the retail market…"

I have no idea what that means. But like many of you, I love food. Indeed, I'd go so far as to say it's indispensable, given that eating is among my favorite pastimes. I'd miss an appointment with Gabriel himself sooner than I would a meal.

That's why the Rice President's jargon raised my hackles. So do the shenanigans at grocery stores, where empty shelves replace the former abundance and obstructions block entrances, herding us into lines for admittance.

Equally distressing, supermarkets' personnel have degenerated into Nazi Nannies who vie with Our Rulers in patronizing and bossing us. To cite one instance among many, Giant Eagle's Laura Shapira Karet warns that she's "[s]tressing to all Team Members and guests the importance of taking preventative measures outlined by the CDC"—that bastion of sparkling advice and pure motives—"particularly the need for anyone not feeling well to avoid visiting our supermarkets and GetGo locations." Pssst, Laura: that's no way to treat guests. Your job is to keep the boxes of cornflakes and mounds of oranges towering overhead; I'll decide whether I'm up to the increasingly arduous task of shopping.