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SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
John Semmens
More About: HumorSEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: September 1, 2024 Edition
Harris/Walz Shine in CNN Interview
Predictions that Vice-President Kamala Harris' first interview since she was declared the Democrat nominee for president without winning a single vote in any Democrat primary were dashed by the scintillating performance of Kamala and her running mate Gov. Tim Walz (Minn) to moderator Dana Bash's probing questions.
Asked about her previous support for outlawing fracking, decriminalizing illegal border crossings, and no bail release of arraigned criminal suspects, Harris declared "as I have said on numerous occasions before, we must not let ourselves be burdened by what has been. My campaign is about bringing joy and unity to every person in America. Ideally, this can be achieved voluntarily, but I will not shy away from mandating it if that becomes necessary. As we have already seen in the polls, this message has propelled me into a lead over my opponent."
Bash followed up with a question about Trump calling Harris' price control plan "communism. How do you respond to that?" Kamala suggested "Tim has dealt with this issue when he was a high school teacher. He should take this one." Tim agreed. "yeah. I told my students that communism means everyone shares equally. That's why there was no poverty in the Soviet Union and voters always reelected members of the Communist Party by overwhelming 99% winning margins."
Satisfied with Walz's remarkably candid reply, Bash asked him "why did you say you carried weapons of war in combat when you were never deployed to a war zone?" He replied "have you ever been to Italy? The way they drive over there is crazy. I could've easily been killed just walking around on the street. It certainly seemed as dangerous as a war zone to me. But at least I didn't claim to have been awarded a Bronze Star for valor." Note: Gov. Wes Moore (D-Md) recently apologized for repeatedly and incorrectly saying that he was "awarded the Bronze Star" for his deployment to Afghanistan between August 2005 and March 2006.
In a bid to convince voters that she is a moderate, Harris told Bash she "would consider naming a Republican to serve in my cabinet. A couple who immediately spring to mind are former Reps. Liz Cheney (Wy) and Adam Kinzinger (Ill). Both served with distinction on the House select committee investigating the January 6, 2021, Capitol Hill insurrection."
Just this week Kinzinger was in the news complaining about House Republicans releasing a video of the January 6, 2021 riot at the Capitol in which then Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) admitted "we have totally failed. We have to take some responsibility for what happened. We have to make Trump pay a price for not getting the National Guard troops there to protect the Capitol." Kinzinger said "this unfairly makes the Speaker appear vindictive. We were all traumatized by that day's near-death experience when armed intruders broke into the building. We need to cut her some slack and be more forgiving."
Trump pointed out that "I did everything in my power to authorize the deployment of the National Guard to defend the Capitol, but the Speaker of the House is the person who has the last word on whether these troops are wanted. Pelosi never gave that last word. In fact, on the video made by her own daughter on that January 6 we can hear Nancy say 'I take full responsibility.' Her claim that I am to blame is a lie."
Trump Slammed for Laying Wreath at Arlington
This week former President Donald Trump laid a wreath at the graves of the 13 soldiers killed during the Biden Administration's botched withdrawal from Afghanistan in August 2021. He was there at the invitation of the grieving family members and had the permission of current House Speaker Mike Johnson (R-La).
Darin Hoover, whose son Staff Sergeant Taylor Hoover died in Afghanistan, said "President Trump didn't come to us. His team didn't come to us and say, hey, this would be good for business. Business? No. President Trump has stood by us from day one. He has been compassionate. He has been loving. He's been understanding. To be quite honest with you, we haven't heard diddly squat from the current administration in three years."
The US Army issued a stark rebuke saying "well, they're hearing from the Administration right here and now. This was an illegal campaign event. Army regulations and DoD policies clearly prohibit political activities on cemetery grounds." NPR commentator Quil Lawrence echoed the Army's complaint, asserting that "Trump's actions were an intrusion and usurpation of a power reserved for the Commander-in-Chief, which Trump isn't."
Trump explained "I wasn't trying to preempt President Biden or Vice-President Harris from exercising their privilege to honor these fallen soldiers. I was told both declined the opportunity. Joe was getting a much needed second week of rest from his grueling 45 minute speech at the Democrat convention. Kamala was busy bringing joy and unity to America in a series of campaign events. As the former Commander-in-Chief I was happy to step into the breach and pay some respect to these heroes. The families seemed to appreciate my efforts."
Veteran, Lucas O'Hara, who spent three years during his time in the military assigned at the Arlington, said "I have witnessed over 75 wreath laying ceremonies performed by politicians and conducted 524 funerals in this cemetery. What I got to witness on August 26 was the most respectful and solemn ceremony I have seen. There were no speeches, no angles, no weird photo ops just our elected officials and the 45th President respectfully and solemnly honoring the fallen and their families."
CNN Editor Regrets Zuckerberg's Admissions
Jon Passantino, CNN's deputy managing editor for media and misinformation, expressed regret that "Meta-Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg openly admitted cooperating with the Biden Administration to censor content that the President found disagreeable. What had previously been a unanimous agreement that the enemies of democracy were spreading misinformation has been shattered."
House Judiciary Chairman Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio) said "Zuckerberg's admission that he now realizes that what the FBI pressured his company to censor was accurate information confirms what FBI whistle blowers have testified to in our committee hearings that the Hunter Biden laptop the FBI seized in 2019 was genuine and that the FBI knew this yet still pressured Facebook and Twitter to label it as Russian disinformation. This falsehood concealed evidence of the Biden family's corruption from voters in the months running up to the 2020 presidential election. It was a clear a case of election interference and abuse of power."
FBI Director Christopher Wray defended his agency's actions, saying "in my opinion, the threat posed to our democracy by Donald Trump and his right-wing domestic terrorist allies was the greater evil. The corrupt influence-peddling schemes of the Biden family paled in comparison. Our country has had corrupt presidents before and survived. I'm not so sure we could survive another Trump term."
Jordan observed that "the notion that the FBI should tip the scales in favor of a candidate by withholding evidence of his criminal activity is the opposite of democracy. As it turned out the criminal they helped get elected has assaulted the liberties of the American people by repeated censorship of freedom of speech, slandering and impeding inexpensive and effective treatments for COVID, mandating millions of expensive injections of a vaccine that research has since shown is both ineffective and dangerous, and spending billions to supply weapons that have escalated the war between Ukraine and Russia to the point where nuclear strikes are now being openly threatened."
Passantino said "Jordan's victory lap after receiving Zuckerberg's letter is proof that sending this letter was a mistake. Sometimes censorship can be a good thing if wise and benevolent leaders are doing it. If disagreeable opinions and voices are eliminated the majority will be happier with their lives. The Harris campaign of joy through unity offers a different road for people tired of the rigors of competition and the work and productivity the free market requires to succeed. Any censorship that helps her win this election should be celebrated."
Most Unaffordable Housing Market in US History
Bright MLS is one of the nation's leading real estate listing services. Their chief economist Dr. Lisa Sturtevant recently told Fox News that "the upward pressure on home prices is making this the most unaffordable housing market in history. First-time and moderate-income home buyers, in particular, increasingly are being left out of the housing market."
House Ways and Means Committee Chairman Jason Smith (R-Mo) blames "the Biden Administration's reckless spending and suppression of domestic energy production for the rising cost of living that Americans now face. Billions of tax dollars were wasted on inefficient 'green energy' boondoggles that failed to fill the energy gap resulting from the cancellation of the Keystone Pipeline and resistance to authorizing new drilling for oil and expanded refinery capacity. Since energy to transport raw materials to factories and consumers was made scarcer the prices of everything rose dramatically."
Democrat nominee for president Vice-President Harris blamed "price-gouging by big corporations is squeezing the middle class. I've already said I will implement price-controls and punish corporations who violate them. As for the unaffordable housing, well there are a lot of vacant spaces that could be made available. Many wealthy people own more than one home. All anyone needs is one home. And larger homes have extra rooms that could be shared. Many corporate office buildings remain vacant. I think a more robust protection of squatters' rights could provide virtually free housing for millions of families. Folks without a home could simply move into unoccupied spaces. An executive order implementing this revision to the nation's property laws will be something I'll attend to in the first 100 days of my administration."
Dems Green Energy Mandates Hike Utility Costs
Democrat Gov. Phil Murphy's "Energy Master Plan" launched in 2020 has more than doubled New Jersey residents' energy bills. State Sen. Mike Testa (R-Vineland) referred to a complaint from a Parsippany resident whose latest monthly bill was $782, saying "even in the Arizona desert where daily high summer temperatures average 106 degrees, monthly electric bills are typically between $300 and $400 a month," Testa said. "In New Jersey the average daily high summer temperature is 85 degrees. How can our electricity cost over $700 a month? Maybe all the 'green energy' Murphy has mandated isn't worth what it costs."
In New York, the state's determination to replace fossil fuel generated electricity with wind generated electricity will boost the homeowner's cost per megawatt hour from from its current average of $36 to $146 or more. Gov. Kathy Hochul called the increased costs "a noble sacrifice for the sake of the planet. Putting up with the higher costs and occasional lack of sufficient wind to generate enough energy to keep the lights on is a small price to pay to save the environment. The fact that voters keep reelecting Democrats shows that they are willing to bear the extra expense and inconvenience. If they weren't they would've elected Republicans."
FDA Refutes RFK Claim
An important issue in Robert F. Kennedy's campaign for president is the unsavory relationship between the Food and Drug Administration and the pharmaceutical companies it is supposed to regulate. "Half of the FDA's budget is funded by cash it gets from drug manufacturers," RFK points out. "This is a clear conflict of interest. How diligent can we expect the FDA to be in cracking down on botched or fraudulent testing of new drugs and vaccines by the companies paying half the FDA's salaries? As we saw with the experimental COVID vaccines, the FDA allowed inadequately tested and tainted concoctions to be injected into millions of unsuspecting citizens."
An FDA spokespersons called "RFK's payment estimate inaccurate. Only 47% of our budget comes from the user fee payments made by our client/partners. The quest for life-saving treatments has been a joint venture for many decades. Many of our employees have invested substantial sums of money buying stock in these companies. This gives them an added and very personal interest in ensuring the success of the joint effort to protect the health of the American people."
"I think the FDA spokesperson has strengthened my case against their incestuous relationship with drug manufactures," RFK replied. "As we saw during the pandemic, the federal government not only failed to have the COVID vaccines adequately tested, they also heavily subsidized them and Dr. Anthony Fauci continually urged people to get multiple doses of these 'free' vaccinations. Yet, the real world experience showed that those who were vaccinated were just as likely to get sick and die as those who were not vaccinated. This giant sample with millions of test and control subjects clearly demonstrated that the vaccines were ineffective for achieving their claimed purpose. At the same time, there were thousands of acknowledged deaths and tens of thousands of acknowledged severe damage done to vaccine recipients. I think this demonstrates that the vaccines are dangerous. The companies that manufactured the vaccines made billions in profits. The FDA continues to urge more booster shots, but more Americans are wisely refusing to submit to this further abuse of their health."
Isaac Belfer, the FDA's Attorney at the Department of Justice, also admitted that "the FDA's campaign against using ivermectin to treat COVID was outside the bounds of its authority. Making a recommendation of what drugs to take or not to take, that's the practice of medicine. The law doesn't grant the FDA the right to practice medicine. The fact that many doctors were having success with ivermectin could've prevented the emergency use authorization of the experimental vaccines did not justify trying to demonize an alternative therapy."
In related news, longtime Democrat strategist James Carville declared "if Bobby Kennedy lived in a more humane country, they would have him in a nice rubber room and you know, three hots and a cot and take care of this guy. He has no business being out on the street mixing and mingling with people. But this is where we are in this country. We have a mental health crisis and he's at the top of it."
Recent News on Illegal Immigration
In California, the Democrat super majority in the legislature passed a bill that would provide up to $150,000 in home loans for illegal aliens who are first-time home buyers in the state. Assembly Member Joaquin Arambula (D-Fresno) called it "a simple and obvious solution for reducing the homeless population."
In California, the Department of Forestry and Fire Protection (CalFIRE) confirmed that seven of the eight fires along the border between May 1-June 1 of this year were started by illegal border crossers.
In San Diego, adult illegal immigrants attempted to board two school buses.
In Colorado, members of the infamous Tren de Aragua gang from Venezuela are commandeering apartment complexes in Aurora, chasing out the residents and using apartments for sex trafficking and other crimes.
In related news, Brittany Mahomes, wife of NFL quarterback Patrick Mahomes was called a "hater" for liking an Instagram post by Donald Trump in favor of securing the nation's southern border against illegal entry.
Some Adventures in Election Irregularities
In Montana, college athletes are being paid $400 to $2,400 to make endorsement videos for Democrat Sen. Jon Tester's reelection campaign.
In California, the Democrat super majority in the legislature passed a bill banning local governments from adopting voter identification laws for local elections.
Michigan has two million more registered voters than they should have. 83.5% of the state's "adults" are registered to vote but only 77.9% are 18 or older.
In Cincinnati, voters Cassandra and Harry Scott were puzzled to receive voter registration updates showing they had moved. They hadn't.
In Wisconsin, the federal Department of Justice has threatened legal action against the towns of Thornapple and Lawrence for their decision to abandon electronic voting machines in favor of hand-counted ballots. DOJ claims that "paper ballots are too difficult for persons with disabilities."
In Detroit, more than 700 Republicans applied to be partisan poll watchers for the upcoming elections. However, out of the 2,350 partisan poll watchers hired, only 50 of them were Republicans.
In Georgia, Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger is being sued for defamation for claiming that a video showing unsupervised ballot counting in the 2020 election was "doctored." It was not.
In Texas, over one million people who moved out-of-state, are deceased, or are noncitizens were lawfully removed from the state's voter rolls.
The One Assassination Fact the FBI Is Sure Of
The attempt was made at a political rally. The target was a candidate for president that many in the Media called a threat to democracy and likened to Hitler. President Biden had previously called for targeting Trump. However, after what they contend was an "exhaustive examination of the evidence" from the event, the one thing of which the FBI says it is sure is that "the motive was not political." Perhaps the FBI's reputation for excellence and integrity is a bit exaggerated?