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SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: March 17, 2024 Edition

Judge Exonerates Fani Willis

On Friday, Fulton County Superior Judge Scott McAfee ruled that Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis will be allowed to continue to persecute former President Trump and his co-defendants for trying to overturn the 2020 presidential election results in Georgia. The only condition Ms. Willis has to meet is to persuade her sex-partner Nate Wade to withdraw from the case.

Judge McAfee explained that "the testimony I've heard over the past two weeks confirms that both Ms. Willis and Mr. Wade lied under oath in their attempt to conceal both the illicit affair and the fiscal impropriety of the payments made to the unqualified Mr. Wade and the kickbacks Ms. Wade received from the out-sized remuneration she authorized him to receive from the county treasury. However, these lies do not rise to the level of felonious perjury because the only person authorized to file and prosecute perjury and malfeasance charges is County District Attorney Willis."

"It is not as if these circumstances are unprecedented," McAfee pointed out. "Former President Bill Clinton lied under oath in an attempt to conceal his sexual liaisons with White House intern Monica Lewinsky. The lies he told also could've resulted in a charge of felonious perjury, but his appointed Attorney General Janet Reno declined to press charges. As for malfeasance, misuse of public funds is so widespread these days that any serious effort to combat it would bring government operations to a standstill as wave-after-wave of public officials had to be put on trial. The $700,000 misappropriated in this case pales when compared to the billion dollars of public funds former Vice-President Biden used to extort the firing of a Ukraine prosecutor investigating the shady business dealings of a business that paid Hunter Biden to serve on its board of directors."

Subsequent to Judge McAfee's ruling, Nate Wade resigned from his position "so that District Attorney Willis could continue the fight to save our democracy from its enemies." Willis praised her paramour's "extraordinary bravery against the most serious threat to our country since the Civil War. His selflessness in foregoing the inadequate compensation he was receiving for his efforts is a model worthy of emulation."

In other overturning election news, a Rasmussen poll found that 57% of Democrats are opposed to Congress certifying the electoral vote if Trump wins the presidential election. Biden presidential campaign co-chair Sen. Chris Coons (D-Del) argued that "democracy is too precious to passively allow Trump to seize power just because he has the votes. Hitler had the votes when he was named Chancellor of Germany in 1933. The world cannot afford to make that same kind of mistake with Trump."

Canada Distopia Making Headway

Disappointed that his 2022 abuse of the Emergencies Act to suppress public protest against his draconian Covid restrictions was ruled unjustified by Federal Court Justice Richard Mosley, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is now pushing legislation called the Online Harms Act (Bill C-63). This law would allow the government to impose prison sentences of up to life behind bars on persons who post "hate speech" on social media.

Civil liberty advocates have called the proposed law "totalitarian" and "Orwellian." George Washington University law professor Jonathan Turley asserted that "the proposed law constitutes a doubling down on Canada's totalitarian commitment to reducing free speech for citizens despite criticism from many in the civil liberties community."

The Handmaid's Tale author Margaret Atwood found "the law empowering judges to order the imprisonment, house arrest or electronic monitoring of a person if someone else fears that that person will commit a future hate crime is a frightening Orwellian turn away from freedom of speech."

Justice Minister Arif Virani argued that "unregulated speech is an emerging threat that must be addressed. There are a lot of sick and malevolent individuals out there. Government must protect the innocent and defenseless masses from harm. Chilling free speech isn't bad if the speech that is suppressed is hate speech."

Meanwhile, Toronto Police Service (TPS) Constable Marco Ricciardi has advised residents "to leave their car keys in their front door lock so thieves who want to steal it don't have to break into your home in search of the keys. The inconvenience of having your car stolen is more tolerable than the violence of a home invasion. You can always buy a new car, but you can't buy a new life if you're murdered or maimed by the thief."

In related free speech news, Rep. Dan Goldman (D-NY) assailed opponents of government's efforts to censor freedom of speech, saying "the First Amendment is not absolute. It does not protect any single thing anyone says. The federal government needs to monitor what is going on on social media so that it can take the necessary steps to suppress the kind of misinformation and disinformation that could help Republicans in the November election."

On the other hand, a Harris Poll showed that 68% of college students say that "campus free speech protection should include the right of individuals to incite violence or threaten others." As one respondent said "when Jews are massacring Palestinians, counter action is needed. Sometimes the threat of violence will get results when purely peaceful protest won't. This is especially the case where university administrators insist on taking the side of the Jewish oppressors."

Phantom Voters Spark Suit

This week, the Republican National Committee (RNC) filed a lawsuit against Michigan Secretary of State Jocelyn Benson for violating the National Voter Registration Act (NVRA). The NVRA requires states to remove ineligible voters from the rolls. These ineligible voters include people who have moved or died. Failure to purge the rolls of such persons makes it easier for others to fraudulently cast ballots in the names of these persons.

This marks the second time in the last three years that Benson has been sued for not cleaning up the voter rolls. A 2021 suit filed by the Public Interest Legal Foundation (PILF) was dismissed by the court after Benson promised she would get the state into compliance with the NVRA.

The RNC provided data indicating that Benson has not fulfilled her 2021 promise to the court. Fifty-three of Michigan's 83 counties have more registered voters than persons eligible to vote. Twenty-three other counties have "suspiciously high" voter registration rates of 90% or more. The nationwide voter registration rate is 67%.

Benson called the suit "wrongheaded. Their whole argument is nonsensical. The act of registration is what makes a voter eligible. So, there just can't be more people registered than are eligible. The fact that our registered number exceeds what these right-wingers contend is the eligible number proves that we have gone the extra mile to ensure that a maximum vote total can be achieved."

Benson added "the real tragedy is that the national registration rate is only 67%. This means that at least 33% of the potential voters are disenfranchised. We shouldn't be wasting our scarce resources on purging the names of people who are dead or no longer live here. In my mind, it's better to have too many than too few votes cast. Those making the effort to vote more than once are demonstrating an enthusiasm that strengthens our democracy. I see no justification for discouraging that enthusiasm."

Cost-Free Spending on Illegal Migrants

New York City is paying $387 per day to house and feed each migrant household in taxpayer-funded shelters. Over the course of a year this amounts to $141,255 per household. The median household income in the US is $75,000. A full-time minimum-wage job pays less than $15,000.

Sen. John Barrasso (R-Wyo) asked Department of Health and Human Services Secretary Xavier Becerra "why workers who have to live on less should should be taxed so much for the less than lavish accommodations being provided for illegal immigrants?"

Becerra said "we aren't letting New Yorkers bear all the burden of supporting these new Americans. We are chipping in as much federal aid as we can to help ease their burden."

"Doesn't federal aid also come from taxes on working Americans?" Barrasso asked. "Why do the tents and other shelters cost so much? Why should working Americans who are struggling to support themselves in the highly inflationary Bidenomics economy have to bear this heavy burden?"

"Well, your assumption that taxpayers are bearing this burden is incorrect," Becerra replied. "As you should know, federal spending exceeds tax receipts. We are borrowing the money to cover the needs of these migrants rather than putting the burden on taxpayers."

"Doesn't this borrowed money have to be paid back with interest?" Barrasso reasoned.

"Not necessarily," Becerra answered. "As we have seen, President Biden took action to avert burdening students with paying back money they borrowed to attend college. He could take similar action to save the government from having to payback the money we borrowed to aid these migrants. Then no one would have to bear the costs for what we're providing for them."

In other migrant news, Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL) prevented a Republican-sponsored bill that would automatically detain illegal aliens charged with violent crimes from getting to the floor for a vote. Durbin explain his action, saying that "immigrants come here for a better life. Part of a better life for some of them is enjoying the same no-bail privileges that American-born criminals are given."

Coons Makes Case for Biden

Biden presidential campaign co-chair Sen. Chris Coons (D-DE) cited the disparity in how the government has decided to deal with each man's mishandling of classified documents "as a litmus test that voters can use to determine who they should vote for in November."

"Both are public figures who had classified documents in their possession," Coons admitted. "Trump is under indictment on 40 felony charges and could be sent to prison, but President Biden has been cleared of culpability by Special counsel Robert Hur because he is a well-meaning elderly man with a poor memory. President Biden has shown over and over his respect for the independence of the Department of Justice and for the independence of the Attorney General he appointed and could fire any time he wants. Trump, on the other hand, has repeatedly disrespected the judicial process, calling it a witch hunt and selective prosecution."

"I think voters will see these contrasting behaviors and conclude that President Biden is a gracious winner and Trump is a sore loser," Coons predicted. "President Biden doesn't come off as a brilliant man, but he has repeatedly managed to dodge all the accusations of plagiarism, bribery, sexual harassment, and incompetence that have been levied against him during his 50-year career in government. As he told Mr. Hur, 'the Chinese government funded my professorship at Penn University. They gave me money and I didn't have to do anything.' Trump never got any money from the Chinese government, but he has inspired many prosecutors to want to put him behind bars. Seeing this, I'm confident that voters will mark their ballots for Joe Biden."

In related news, in a bipartisan vote that included 14 Democrats, the House of Representatives passed a resolution condemning President Biden "for causing the worst immigration-border security crisis in American history." Rep. Henry Cuellar (D-Tex) said "orderly legal immigration is a benefit to America, but the flood of unvetted invaders is dangerous and financially burdensome. President Biden already has the authority to take steps to control the border, but he refuses to do so. He deserves to be condemned for dereliction of duty."

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