IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

More About: Government

SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: Best of 2019 (part 1) by John Semmens

January 6

Romney Assails Trump's Impoliteness

Incoming freshman Senator Mitt Romney (R-UT) took to the pages of the Washington Post to chastise President Trump for his "unbearable impoliteness. Those of us in public service have a moral obligation to conduct ourselves with the utmost civility, no matter what. Trump's claim that he is only punching back at those who attack him doesn't absolve him of this responsibility."

"When I ran for president in 2012 I was vilified by the media and Democrats," Romney recalled. "Lies aimed at besmirching my character were commonplace. Even the moderator at one of my debates with President Obama incorrectly corrected me by citing false 'facts.' But I took it like a man and submitted to defeat with grace and dignity. Trump's refusal to follow my lead threatens our democracy. If both sides insist on bare-knuckle politics comity disintegrates and chaos follows."

January 13

Germany Requests Time-Out

After an evaluation of the country's armed forces showed that the German Army would not be ready for combat operations until 2031 at the earliest, Chancellor Angela Merkel made an impassioned plea to the global community to postpone any planned attacks on Germany until 2032 or later.

"We are in worse shape than the bourgeois democracies that were crushed by the blitzkrieg Germany sprung on them in 1939," the Chancellor confessed. "It would be unsporting for others to emulate the underhanded tactics that enabled our army to overrun most of Europe in the early stages of World War II."

Merkel admitted that she is especially concerned that US President Donald Trump "cannot be counted on to rescue us from an aggressor after the fuss he made over our failure to meet our NATO defensive obligations. I can see that a man who could so easily desert a feckless ally would have no qualms about putting the lives and well-being of Americans ahead of everyone else and let Germany be conquered by jihadis, Russians, or even such relative weaklings like Poland and France, who it just so happens are geographically positioned to envelope Germany in a grand pincer offensive."

January 20

University Takes Stand Against Basing Grades on Quality

American University is hosting a seminar for its faculty to teach them a new way of grading students without relying too heavily on the quality of their work. The seminar will be taught by University of Washington–Tacoma professor Dr. Asao Inoue.

"Grading papers based on their quality imposes 'white' standards that are insensitive to alternate ways of thinking and communicating," Inoue explained. "Just because a student's writing seems incoherent and ungrammatical to a white professor doesn't mean he should give it a bad grade. President Trump often makes grammatical mistakes. Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) is often incoherent. These deficiencies in our nation's highest-ranking members of government suggest that writing and speaking competency aren't as important as we previously have thought."

As an alternative to assessing quality, Inoue recommends "using quantity and effort as the foundation for handing out grades. Counting the number of words, or intended words in the case of non-words appearing in a student's writing, is a more objective measure. Similarly, a student whose vocalized attempts at communication are garbled and indecipherable probably had to exert great effort to complete a writing assignment, especially if more than a few paragraphs are attempted. This kind of effort should be rewarded with a higher grade."

January 27

NY Enacts Radical Abortion Legislation

In a bid to avert a potential future Supreme Court ruling that might temporarily interrupt the carnage, the New York State Senate bowed to the extortion of Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) and passed the nation's most radical pro-abortion legislation. Under this new law, abortions would be permitted up until the moment of birth, and failed procedures resulting in live births could be corrected via after birth termination of the unwanted children.

State Senate Majority Leader Andrea Stewart-Cousins (D-Yonkers) hailed the legislation for "averting the potential tragedy of forcing even one woman to give birth to a child she does not want. The trauma of being forced to be a mother is something we must guard against. The anti-abortion argument against aborting viable children on the premise that others willing to adopt the child negates the need to terminate his or her life ignores the psychological toll this takes on the unwilling birth mother."

In addition to cheers in the Senate after the bill passed 38-24, Cuomo ordered that the One World Trade Center's 408-foot spire "be lit up with pink light in celebration of this historic victory for progressive values. Pink is in honor of the brave individuals, 100% of whom are women, who have chosen to end the lives of their own children, and the 50% of the victims who are also female. The light ceremony acknowledges that the world will be a better place because of their sacrifice."

February 3

Veep Scares Satan Worshippers

Lucien Greaves, co-founder and chief spokesperson for The Satanic Temple, expressed fear that Republican Vice-President Mike Pence's religious views unfairly favor good over evil. "Under our Constitution, all religious views are protected from discriminatory laws and policies," Greaves asserted. "Yet, we see the Vice-President of the United States repeatedly speaking out against evil, which is the core tenet of our faith."

"Worse, antipathy to our faith receives routine support from the brainwashed majority of Americans," Greaves complained. "We are a minority in need of protection from the hostility of the majority. We are pleased that the New York State legislature recognized a woman's legal right to sacrifice her child at the point of birth. But this fulfillment of our faith's most sacred rite is in danger of being overturned by the majority that opposes our unpopular beliefs. While we are confident that Democrats in Congress will prevent this, we are less confident that a Supreme Court packed with Trump appointees will. They may seek to restore the limits on third-trimester abortions included in the Roe v. Wade decision."

A ray of hope was provided by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's (D-Calif) vow that "Mr. Greaves can count on Democrats to continue to do the Lord's work. The people have rejected the straight-jacket that Pence and those like him want to impose to restrict their freedom to live by whatever values they choose for themselves. Government must not be used to favor good over evil."

February 10

Green New Deal: Time Travel to the Past

This week the lunatic caucus of the Democratic Party unveiled its touted "Green New Deal" plan to save the planet. Key features of the plan include putting an end to air travel, eliminating meat from the human diet, rebuilding every human structure, ending carbon emissions, getting rid of fossil-fueled automobiles, and providing a guaranteed income for people unwilling to work.

The plan's primary architect Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) dismissed criticism contending that her plan is impractical by pointing out that "the sacrifices we are calling for are most certainly feasible. Abraham Lincoln never flew on an airplane. Hitler was a vegetarian. There was a time when every human lived in a cave and all food was consumed raw. Walking is a healthier method of travel than riding in automobiles. And ensuring that everyone is provided for will eradicate the last vestiges of wage-slavery."

February 17

Yet Another Dem Assails Booming Economy

Rep. Gwen Moore (D-WI) took her opportunity to speak at a House Ways and Means Committee hearing to criticize the rising incomes and increased employment of minorities that has been sparked by Republican policies of less regulation and lower taxes.

"GDP is great, unemployment is at an all-time low, African Americans are doing well, Hispanics are doing well, wages are rising at the fastest pace in ten years, blah, blah, blah," she said. "However, the beneficiaries are only those who are willing to work. There was no boost in income for those unwilling to work. In fact, the lowered unemployment was largely achieved by luring people to join the workforce. The tremendous loss of what was formerly paid leisure time remains unacknowledged by the GOP."

FBI Plotted Coup Against Trump

Former acting FBI Director Andrew McCabe publicly admitted that his Agency and other national security figures met to consider ways of ousting Trump from office in early 2017. Details of the plot are described in McCabe's book: The Threat: How the FBI Protects America in the Age of Terror and Trump.

"It was clear to everyone in the room that Trump represented a clear and present danger to national security," McCabe asserted. "He had no prior government experience. He didn't work his way up through the political ranks as a governor or senator. He just jumped into the presidential race and horrified us all by unexpectedly winning. All of us who had worked behind the scenes to try to insure his defeat were now at risk."

"We looked at a lot of options," McCabe recalled. "Rosenstein offered to wear a wire in hopes that he could goad Trump into a damaging statement. Others pointed out that Trump had been under FBI surveillance since the moment he began his run for the presidency and we heard nothing of substance to discredit him. We looked at the 25th Amendment, but realized we lacked any compromising data on Pence that we could use to pressure him to declare Trump incompetent. All we could agree on was to appoint Mueller as a special counsel to initiate a wide-ranging probe aimed at creating a negative public image for the President."

CNN's Chris Cillizza averred that "the attempts to use the 25th Amendment, surveillance, and a smear campaign fueled by leaks from the Mueller investigation strike me as mild compared to what they could've done. I mean, the FBI used deadly force to take out the much lesser threats posed to the nation by David Koresh and Randy Weaver. Neither of them seized power or threatened to expose or disrupt the long-term governance of the United States. I think Trump should consider himself lucky to be merely illegally spied upon and vilified."

February 24

Teachers Assail Bill Banning Political Indoctrination

Proposed legislation establishing a code of ethics for public school teachers in Maine has some teachers in an uproar. The bill (LD-589) was introduced by Rep. Larry Lockman (R-Amherst). The provision causing the uproar prohibits teachers from engaging in political advocacy and requires that materials from both sides of controversial topics be made available to students.

Lockman maintains that "teachers have an obligation not to abuse their captive audiences by indoctrinating them into supporting a politically slanted point of view. They should be teaching students how to find information, how to weigh competing opinions, and how to respectfully debate those they disagree with. My bill serves as a reminder of the genuine obligations of the true educator."

Matthew Drewette-Card, the vice president of the Maine Association of Supervision and Curriculum Development, submitted testimony asserting that "the bill would abridge teachers' rights. Advocating for the correct way of thinking and the rejection of incorrect thought is the very essence of education. A lot of progress has been made over the past few decades in guiding children toward the appropriate attitudes and choices for a moral society. The millennials' acceptance of socialism and wealth redistribution are evidence of the importance of preserving these teachers' rights."

March 3

Senator Says Lining up to Buy Food a "Good Thing"

Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) boldly countered assertions that socialism would lead to food shortages, rationing, and long lines for those trying to get food by contending that "contrary to capitalist propaganda, making people stand in line to buy food is a good thing. Let's examine the facts."

"Can anyone rationally dispute the reality that in the United States a distressingly large proportion of the population is morbidly obese?" Sanders asked. "The ease with which food can be obtained is the main reason for this health crisis. If food were scarcer and more expensive people wouldn't be able to get fat. The amount of money each person would have under socialism would be low enough to force him or her to be more selective. The time-consuming procedure of requiring food seekers to wait in line would also tend to work against obesity. There just wouldn't be enough time in the day to stand in all the various lines for bread, meat, etc. for anyone to get all the food he or she wants even if they could afford it."

"The ancillary benefits of the queuing process would also contribute to a healthier population," the Senator added. "Standing is healthier than sitting. And since the majority of those in line would be outdoors they'd get more fresh air and sunshine. There' would also be more opportunities to chat with fellow citizens while waiting in line. This would combat the loneliness that currently plagues America where isolated individuals can drive to pick up fast food, take it home and watch TV alone. So, when we seriously look into the dynamics I think we can all agree that the food lines that have characterized socialist societies around the world are, on balance, a net plus for the human condition."

March 10

House Dems Endorse Illegal Voting

As part of its top priority "For the People Act," the Democrat-controlled House of Representatives voted 228 to 197 to explicitly endorse local governments that allow illegal immigrants to vote. Federal law currently does not permit non-citizens to vote in federal elections. However, the enforcement of this law is more difficult when state and local election ballots are cast simultaneously.

Rep. John Lewis (D-GA) enthusiastically praised the measure, saying "we are prepared to open up the political process and let all of the people come in. 'Newcomers,' as Speaker Pelosi has dubbed them, have a human right to vote. Since a majority of these newcomers will need to rely on government welfare programs to receive food, housing, and cash handouts to live they have an abiding interest in selecting who controls the government. This bill implicitly recognizes this human right."

Rep. Dan Crenshaw (R-TX) disagreed: "Letting foreigners into the country with the expectation that they have a right to be supported by American taxpayers effectively forces taxpayers to take in non-paying boarders. Allowing these non-paying boarders to vote for politicians who will continue and expand these burdensome government giveaways is the path to fiscal disaster. It is bad enough that citizens on welfare can vote for programs they make no tax contribution to support. Inviting the millions of foreigners who illegally enter the United States this same right gives too much power to the non-productive to impose never-ending burdens on citizens who work for a living."

March 17

FBI Witness Blames Lynch, Rues Getting Caught

Lisa Page, a key cog in the Obama Administration's conspiracy to derail Trump's campaign and sabotage him after he won the election, testified to Congress that it was Attorney General Loretta Lynch who ordered FBI Director James Comey to exonerate Hillary Clinton for mishandling classified government communications.

For her part, Lynch denied that she explicitly ordered Comey to do anything. "I just passed on the message given to me by Bill Clinton in our tarmac meeting. He said that Hillary really wanted to be president and that anyone who messed that up would regret it, possibly to the point of becoming suicidal. He advised me not to scoff because he's seen it happen many times over the years."

After her testimony Page said she regretted what had happened. "I don't regret doing everything I could to try to rig the election for Hillary. Please make sure that President Clinton knows that. What I regret most is that we failed. What I regret second most is that we got caught. All that blabbing and boasting that Peter and I did via phone texting was stupid. The Mafia has a code of omertà for a reason. We should have abided by it."

March 24

Dems Point Out Eerie Parallels Between Trump and Hitler

In a bid to bolster their contention that President Trump is the worst person to ever occupy the Oval Office, House of Representatives Democratic Whip James Clyburn (SC) listed what he termed "the frightening and eerie parallels between Adolf Hitler and Donald Trump. Both abstained from consuming alcohol. Both were elected with less than a majority of the popular vote. Both characterized their predecessors as ineffective and corrupt. Both came to power as outsiders without prior experience in government. Both achieved a strong economy and military. It could hardly be clearer that President Trump is the biggest threat to America and the world in my lifetime."

Fellow historian and House Judiciary Chairman Jerry Nadler (NY) added "both criticized the international order. Both were for law and order. Both held xenophobic views. Hitler wanted Germany for Germans. Trump wants America for Americans. Both sent troops into foreign lands."

"Further, Trump's intention to block the entry of newcomers into the United States even though Congress opposes him is tyranny," Nadler claimed. "In my opinion, impeachment is too mild of a remedy. If Hitler hadn't committed suicide he would have been hanged. Our biggest problem is that Trump will never commit suicide. I pray that we have the same strength of character to take the drastic actions needed to save this country and the world that FDR did during the 1940s."

March 31

Mexico Demands Apology for Spanish Conquest

President Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador demanded that the nation of Spain and the Catholic Church apologize for their invasion and conquest of the Aztec Empire 500 years ago. "They brought alien ideas, diseases, and brute force from Europe and destroyed a vibrant indigenous culture."

The Spanish government refused to apologize. King Felipe VI, challenged the Mexican President's characterization of these ancient events as "one-sided 'massacres and oppression.' The Aztec Empire held power by massacring and oppressing subjugated indigenous people. These victims were tortured and coerced into becoming human sacrifices to their oppressors' bloodthirsty gods. While the invading Spaniards were no angels, the Aztecs were worse. That's why so many of the other peoples in Mexico sided with the Spanish invaders."

The Mexican President was outraged by Spain's response. "The assertion that white Christian values were superior to those of the indigenous rulers is the height of arrogance," Lopez contended. "As we are observing, the idea of human sacrifice is now being championed by the Democratic Party in the culturally advanced United States. That this concept was suppressed for 500 years must bear a significant share of the blame for the current worldwide climate change crisis."

April 7

Unemployment Low "Concerning," Says Pelosi

This past week, filings for unemployment benefits fell to a level not seen since December of 1969. While most reasonable individuals would consider this an encouraging development, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) begged to differ.

"Unemployment benefits have always been a key weapon against economic recession," she contended. "Putting money in the hands of those who have lost their jobs is the best stimulant for the economy in times of trouble. In this respect, I find the decline in filings to be extremely frightening."

"The euphoria now being experienced by Trump and the Republicans overlooks the danger of relying on full employment to drive the economy forward," Pelosi warned. "This approach requires the continued production of useful goods and services to sustain household incomes. In contrast, government subsidies like unemployment benefits do not require the production of anything of value. These payments can be made while plants remain idle—allowing a win-win scenario of increased leisure and sustained household income."

White House economic adviser Larry Kudlow dismissed Pelosi's "addled economic thinking. The wealth of nations consists of the real goods and services produced by the cooperative efforts of capital and labor. Unemployment benefits contribute nothing to this process. At best they can serve as a temporary mitigation for a limited number of out-of-work individuals. Even then, payment of these benefits is only possible if the necessary real wealth is created by actual production."

April 14

Clinton Relishes Assange Arrest

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange was arrested by UK police and is expected to be turned over to US authorities in the near future. Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton professed herself "pleased that this international villain will finally get what he deserves for saddling the world with Donald Trump as the US president. His role in invading my privacy and publishing emails that I went to great efforts to conceal sabotaged my assured election as the 45th president of the United States."

Clinton predicted that Assange's claim that "the ruled have a right to know what their governments are doing will be struck down in court. Governments act in secret for a good reason. Questioning those reasons—even to the point of inquiring what those reasons are—imperils the odds of success. The safety and security of the masses depends upon the freedom of the government to covertly neutralize threats. People like Assange and Snowden are a clear and present danger that must be interdicted by any means possible. That's why I urged President Obama to take Assange out with a drone strike on the Ecuadoran Embassy in London."

April 21

Cultural Evolution Around America

In Chicago, a mob of hundreds of Black inhabitants rampaged through the City's Magnificent Mile high-end shopping district looting stores, vandalizing buildings, assaulting white people, defying police, stopping traffic, threatening tourists, and creating chaos. A participant explained "we're just taking a first down payment on the reparations owed us. White men enslaved, whipped, and murdered black men. What we're doing here is peanuts in comparison." Former head of the local teachers' union, Karen Lewis echoed these remarks, saying "blacks are taking back what the whites stole from them."

In California, the Brea Olinda Unified School District is now teaching 9th grade students about pedophilia and pederasty. Assistant Superintendent of Curricula Kerrie Torres insists that "it is important that our students be exposed to all the sexual orientation options. They should know that there is more to sex than just boy-meets-girl. There is also man-meets-child. This way students can each make an informed choice on how they wish to express their own sexuality."

In North Carolina, Gov. Roy Cooper (D) vetoed a "born alive" bill that would have required doctors to provide life-saving aid to babies who survive an attempted abortion. As Cooper sees it, "an abortion is only undertaken for the purpose of ensuring the baby's death. A botched procedure doesn't alter the fact that the mother wants her child to die. If a man sentenced to hang survives because the rope breaks we don't set him free. We hang him again. Likewise, if through some fluke a baby survives being torn limb-from-limb in the womb this shouldn't impede the job being finished outside the womb. This bill unconstitutionally infringes upon a woman's unalienable right to permanently dispose of her unwanted offspring."

April 28

Brennan Defends Conspiracy Against Trump

Former CIA Director John Brennan rebutted President Trump's characterization of the actions of a deep-state cabal to try to prevent his election and undermine his presidency as "an attempted coup."

"Trump has it exactly backwards," Brennan argued. "It was Trump's exploitation of a flaw in the Constitution that allowed him to sneak into the White House despite losing the popular vote to Sec. Clinton that was the real coup. Those of us working to prevent the real coup are the real heroes in this story."

"The ascension of a former secretary of state to the office of president has historical precedent," Brennan observed. "The attempt to install an unproven private businessman into this important office is the outlier. When President Obama called on the intelligence community to save the nation from this threat all of us—myself, James Clapper, James Comey and a crew of dedicated patriots rose to the occasion. My only regret is that we have not yet been successful in achieving our objective."

May 12

Dem Wants to Revive Star Chamber Court

Frustrated with the unsatisfactory results of the Mueller Report, chairman of the House Intelligence Committee Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) wants to initiate Congressional trials for members of the Trump Administration "who defy our demands for documents and testimony."

Schiff characterized these prosecutions as "mini-trials that could be conducted without the presence of the accused. These trials would be tasked with a simple decision: has the accused complied with our demands or not. The House would render judgment and determine whether the accused would be jailed, fined, or both. With fines running up to $25,000 per day of continued disobedience, not to mention the legal fees involved in hiring defense attorneys, disobedience could quickly become financially ruinous. I think this would tend to inspire cooperation."

He likened this approach to "the financial pressure Mueller applied to General Flynn, which, as we all saw, induced his cooperation. Or in the case of Michael Cohen resulted in a plea of guilty to a non-existent crime. It is time we ran with the baton that has been passed to us by Special Counsel Mueller for the next leg of our effort to rid the nation of Trump and his henchmen."

May 19

New York May Move to Restrict Residents from Leaving

As the flow of residents leaving the state has negatively impacted the taxes that can be extracted from these mostly well-off individuals, the government of New York is weighing options to rectify the situation. An idea gaining traction is the imposition of a "certificate of need" to determine whether each resident desiring to emigrate can demonstrate a sufficient urgency justifying the request to leave.

Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) averred that "we need to reconsider the notion that a resident can decide whether to leave the state without justifiable cause. We understand that the desire to avoid the high taxes we impose is a strong motivating factor for the individual to move out. However, such a decision has anti-social connotations and negatively affects both those left behind and the governments that must care for them."

"The really bad aspect of the situation from our perspective is that the out-migration is heavily weighted toward those who have money," Cuomo explained. "They leave behind a growing cohort of persons who depend on the government for necessities like food and housing. This aggravates a cycle of dwindling means to sustain a proportionally increasing dependent population. I believe we have a moral obligation to intervene to prevent this from spiraling out of control."

May 26

Candidate Denounces "Gilded Age"

Presidential contender Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-Minn) gave a dire prediction that "Trump's economic policies are pushing this country into a new gilded age where citizens' lust for prosperity and wealth undermines their willingness to support progressive values. Left unchecked, it won't be long before everyone has a good job, a nice home, plenty to eat, and the cash for the extras that make life more fun. There will be no more oppressed classes, no need to organize for social justice, the end of welfare as we know it, and no reason to ever vote for Democrats."

Klobuchar's pessimism was bolstered by the disappointingly sparse audience attending her speech. "I would've thought there were more than 125 people at Dartmouth who should hear my message," the Senator complained. "It's as if almost everyone has forgotten the inspiring leadership of President Obama's call to sacrifice for the common good. We need to pull away from the materialistic propaganda pushed by Trump and the Republicans. Comfort is overrated. Toiling shoulder-to-shoulder without hope of personal reward is what brings people together into one collective whole. The 2020 election may be our last chance to preserve this dream for how humanity can save itself from selfishness by electing me."

June 2

Jill Promises to Rein-in Joe's "Grabby Hands"

Though former second lady Jill Biden has promised to keep a close rein on husband Joe's inappropriate touching and sniffing of women on the campaign trail, there was another incident this week involving a 10-year-old girl at a town hall in Houston hosted by the American Federation of Teachers.

Jill explained that "the batteries in the shock collar he now wears under his shirt had rundown from overuse. Without this needed reminder not to touch, Joe was being his usual touchy-feely self. I take full responsibility for not having a back-up power source in place. But let's not overlook the progress that he's made. Before we took countermeasures he likely would have had his hands on dozens in the weeks he's been campaigning. At worst, I'd say the problem is 90% solved, though Joe is puzzled that his neck has been hurting a lot recently."

June 9

Moscow Belittles D-Day Significance

Miffed by the attention being paid to the heroes of the June 6, 1944 Allied sea-borne assault on Nazi-held France, Russian Foreign Ministry spokeswoman Maria Zakharova called the D-Day event "relatively insignificant in the broader context of World War II and its aftermath."

"The puny efforts of the West pale in comparison with the absolutely essential role played by Russia in the conflict," Zakharova asserted. "First, let's not forget that there wouldn't have been a World War II if Russia had not joined with Germany to get the ball rolling. Our mutual non-aggression pact was key to enabling Hitler to initiate hostilities."

"Second, the West cruelly overlooks the treachery of the Nazis' unprovoked violation of the pact with us in their June 1941 invasion of Russia," she continued. "It took the West three years to open the second front—during which time the Russian people experienced the unspeakable horrors of Nazi atrocities that ultimately claimed millions of civilian lives. The West congratulates itself for generously supplying weapons and supplies to our armies, but was niggardly in bearing a fair share of the blood shed in the battle to defeat Hitler's minions."

"Third, the West's refusal to acknowledge the conquests of the Red Army in central Europe while their forces barely made it into Germany by war's end rebuts their claim to have liberated Europe," Zakharova said. "We got to keep the territories ceded to us by Hitler in the 1939 pact. We also were able to install puppet governments in Poland, Hungary, Czechoslovakia, Romania, Bulgaria, and Yugoslavia."

"Finally, though the Soviet Union itself is no more, the ideals of socialism live on and have taken root even in the United States," she pointed out. "Right now, socialism has become the dominant ideology of America's Democratic Party. Two dozen socialist candidates are vying for the nomination to take on the universally unpopular Donald Trump in the 2020 presidential election. Clearly, our ideals and our gains have made the most headway during the course of World War II and the years since."

June 16

Bernie Explains Socialism

Stunned by polls showing the doltish Joe Biden in the lead for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination, Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) gave socialism the "hard sell" and predicted that voters would be "delighted to pay higher taxes" if his policies are implemented.

The "delight" is expected to flow from what Sanders called an "economic bill of rights. Under this plan, the government will provide everything everyone needs for free. All that anyone has to do in exchange is turn over all his excess wealth to the government."

"The hassle of having to live by a household budget will be abolished," the candidate promised. "Questions like 'can I afford it?' will vanish from our minds. If you need it, the government will give it to you. The time spent trying to choose specific products or services will be freed up to engage in other pursuits because the government will make these decisions for everyone. Unnecessary products and services will be eliminated. Only essential items will be produced."

President Donald Trump's economic adviser Larry Kudlow rebutted Sanders' promises, saying "they are pretty standard for what socialists have repeatedly promised throughout history. Delivery has always been the difficult part. Human motivation teeters between greed and laziness. Capitalism has succeeded in delivering vast wealth to the masses of humanity by harnessing greed. Under capitalism, the path to great wealth comes from efficiently serving the needs of others. When socialists shutdown this path, laziness triumphs over greed. The inevitable result is poverty. Everyone wants the free stuff. No one has sufficient incentive to provide it. Coercion must be used to avert starvation. And thus, tyranny becomes the only option. Concealing this progression from socialism's promise to its ultimate end is Sanders' only hope for getting elected."

June 23

Beto Promises to Let Boys Compete in Girls' Sports

In a bid to corner the transgender vote, 2020 presidential contender former Rep. Beto O'Rourke (D-Tex) vowed to "break down the doors of girls' locker rooms across the nation and let boys who identify as girls participate in girls' sports."

"I am aware that many parents are uncomfortable with this next step in the evolution of sexual freedom, but we can't allow prejudice to tie our hands," the candidate said. "Many boys feel uncomfortable trying to compete with other boys. I know because I was one of them. If I had had the same options as the boys of today are beginning to seize there's no doubt in my mind that I could've won championships and maybe even an athletic scholarship in field hockey—a sport that was strictly limited to cis-gendered girls when I was in high school. Voters can count on me to lead the nation into a more sexually inclusive future."

June 30

Democrats Stand Firm on Abortion & Infanticide

While the bloated field of contenders for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination are unanimous in the belief that no restrictions on abortion can be tolerated, the House of Representatives was rejecting allowing a vote on the Born Alive Abortion Survivors Protection Act for the 66th time. This bill would require that doctors render aid to infants who unexpectedly survive an attempted abortion. Democratic presidential candidates Sens. Bernie Sanders (Vt), Kamala Harris (Calif), Cory Booker (NJ), Elizabeth Warren (Mass), Kirsten Gillibrand (NY), and Amy Klobuchar (Minn) all voted against a Senate version of this bill.

Gillibrand called the Born Alive bill "backward and racist. We should be moving toward an unconstrained freedom for every woman to abort an unwanted child at any time and for any reason like the State Legislature of New York did earlier this year. African-Americans account for around 13% of the population and nearly 40% of the abortions. Restrictions like the Born Alive bill or the Heartbeat bills passed in Georgia and Missouri disproportionately penalize minorities."

A diametrically opposite opinion was recently expressed by former NFL football player Burgess Owens who contends that "Democrat support for abortion has enabled the murder of millions of Black babies." President Trump also characterized voting against the Born Alive bill as "supporting the execution of the most vulnerable humans among us" and said that the racially disparate impact of abortion "has taken more Black lives than lynching ever did."

Meanwhile, in a bizarre twist, 2020 Democratic presidential candidate former Secretary of Housing Julian Castro pledged to support "the right of transsexuals to have abortions. Just because it isn't currently possible for individuals without a uterus to bear a child shouldn't mean that we neglect to recognize their right to have an abortion as a matter of principle. If a person identifies as a woman that person must, as a matter of law, be entitled to all the rights extended to cis-gendered women and that includes the right to have an abortion and to have taxpayers pay for that abortion if the trans individual can't afford to pay."

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