John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

More About: Humor

SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: March 24, 2019 Edition

Dems Want $100 Million to Deal With Street Defecation

Reps. Barbara Lee (D-Calif) and Rosa DeLauro (D-Conn) are proposing a federal grant program that would provide $100 million per year to cities to fund diapers.

"As we have seen, many of our urban centers are struggling to deal with people defecating in the streets," Rep. Lee said. "On the one hand, the accumulating piles of excrement pose a health hazard. On the other hand, cities want to respect people's right to pursue happiness in their own way. Our proposed legislation bridges this gap by providing the funds to pay for the distribution of adult diapers in these feces bestrewn cities."

Whether the targeted population can be persuaded to avail themselves of the free diapers was not explicitly addressed by Lee, however, she did express optimism that "their sense of human decency combined with the absence of any out-of-pocket expense for the needed supplies would prove adequate to make a significant dent in the problem."

Democrat 2020 presidential contender former Texas Rep. Beto O'Rourke quickly endorsed the proposed measure and pointed out that "full diapers would offer some ripe opportunities for pranking friends and loved ones."

French Troops Cleared to Fire on Protesters

Pushed to the limits of his tolerance by 19 straight weeks of street protests against high taxes and low wages, French President Emmanuel Macron has given permission for government troops to used deadly force "to quell this annoying resistance to modern life. The teargas, baton charges, and water cannons we have been using have proven insufficient. It's time we raise the stakes for those who seek to discredit the government's right to rule them as we sit fit."

The one limit that Macron has imposed is "to refrain from shooting any of our Muslim residents lest we escalate the violence against a population that will not restrain itself from deadly retaliation. So far, the Muslims have been putting their energy into desecrating synagogues and churches or targeting a few Jews or Christians for assault, rape and murder. They have not been part of the 'yellow vest' mobs. Let's keep it that way."

Sweden wants to Import More Muslims

The Swedish Migration Board has decided to grant asylum to 11 million Chinese Islamic Uyghurs. Carl Bexelius, Deputy Legal Chief at the Migration Board, justified the decision by pointing out that "fertility rates in Sweden have fallen below replacement levels. Ethnic Swedes are refusing to bear children. Rather than let our country become vacant it is better to let it be filled with the more fecund Muslims. If all 11 million manage to come here our population would double in a very short period of time."

Public Employment Service Director General Mikael Sjöberg argued that "our ability to provide social benefits for our aging population depends upon a growing base of workers who will pay the taxes needed to sustain these benefits. We are hoping that the influx of young Muslim immigrants will fulfill this objective."

Unfortunately, recent experience with immigrants from Islamic regions of the world to Sweden are not encouraging. The Muslim immigrants living in Sweden have an unemployment rate of nearly 20%. This is five times higher than that of ethnic Swedes. Sweden has also has been transformed from a low crime nation to a high crime nation since it began wholesale importation of Muslims into the country. For example, the frequency of sex crimes committed against women has tripled since 2011. These trends do not support the hoped for outcomes articulated by Swedish government officials.

Comey Hopes Trump Won't Be Impeached

In a New York Times op ed, James Comey, former FBI Director and key instigator of the deep-state conspiracy against Trump, says he hopes the President doesn't get impeached. "The chance that an impeachment will lead to a conviction in the US Senate is not good," he estimated. "The failure of such a gambit will be seen as a vindication of Trump and likely aid his reelection."

"I think a better strategy would be to have another go at undermining him from within the government," Comey suggested. "The assets are in place to carry this out and I believe we have learned enough from the mistakes we made in the 2016 effort to greatly boost the probability of success if we give it another try."

According to Comey, a crucial error in the 2016 conspiracy to block Trump's election "was our perception that we needed to feign impartiality. This led to my mistaken 'reopening' of the Clinton email case in October. With the polls all showing Clinton would win in a landslide, we felt it important to simulate an even-handedness in order to preserve the FBI's credibility. But the last two years of non-stop vilification of Trump by a biased media has demonstrated that credibility for an image of fairness is not necessary. A constant repetition of concocted falsities is enough to convince a vast majority of voters."

"We've also learned that stories alleging 'pussy grabbing,' 'urinating prostitutes,' and extramarital liaisons with assorted women are not powerful enough to turn voters away from Trump," Comey added. "We're going to have to allege real crimes—like a liaison that ended up with a woman drowning or the sexual exploitation of children at a Caribbean resort—if we are to take this man down in 2020."

Democrat Presidential Hopefuls Proffer Reasons to Vote for Them

The growing roster of Democrats vying for the Party's 2020 presidential nomination has led to a desperate search for winning issues. Among the ideas being market tested are Andrew Yang's proposal to establish a "Legion of Builders and Destroyers" who will don capes and masks and embark on a quest to restore the foreskins of males who have been circumcised. "The mutilation has gone on for far too long," he says.

Former Texas Rep. Beto O'Rourke has cited his balanced experience of being both a lawbreaker and a lawmaker as "a more well-rounded resume than anyone else in the race. Being arrested for burglary and DUI has given me insight that my rivals can't match. I am primed to pioneer a new era of amnesty that will eliminate the scourge of incarceration for all except the worst offenders, most of whom are either Republicans or Trump associates, or both."

Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) challenged O'Rourke's claim of a uniquely balanced perspective. "As a former attorney general I've convicted the innocent and exonerated the guilty," she boasted. "I think this shows an ability to rise above the constraints of the law and evidence, if necessary, to achieve the kind of social justice others in my Party have merely given lip-service to. When I'm president no one will be beyond the reach of my authority to implement the complete transformation of the United States into the progressive state of President Obama's dreams."

John Hickenlooper, former governor of Colorado points out that "I am the only person in history who has taken his mother out on a date to see the classic porn movie 'Deep Throat.' Others may think they are visionaries, but none have dared to take such a step. My sexual bravery is without peer among those seeking the presidency. Even the notoriously promiscuous JFK never ventured anything similar to my escapade with my Mom. This is the sort of boldness that marks me as the leader America needs in these perilous times."

Sen. Cory Booker (NJ) made an effort to remind voters that "the first item on my action agenda after I'm elected president will be to reverse Trump's policy against transgenders serving in the military. By my way of thinking, anyone who has the courage to have his balls cut off in an attempt to become an ugly woman certainly has the courage to engage in hand-to-hand combat. And while I'm sure Trump isn't aware of it, there have been entire armies of fierce eunuchs deployed by great Muslim emirs in previous eras. I don't see why the US Army shouldn't revive this weapon to demoralize our country's foreign and domestic enemies."

Dems Point Out Eerie Parallels Between Trump and Hitler

In a bid to bolster their contention that President Trump is the worst person to ever occupy the Oval Office, House of Representatives Democratic Whip James Clyburn (SC) listed what he termed "the frightening and eerie parallels between Adolf Hitler and Donald Trump. Both abstained from consuming alcohol. Both were elected with less than a majority of the popular vote. Both characterized their predecessors as ineffective and corrupt. Both came to power as outsiders without prior experience in government. Both achieved a strong economy and military. It could hardly be clearer that President Trump is the biggest threat to America and the world in my lifetime."

Fellow historian and House Judiciary Chairman Jerry Nadler (NY) added "both criticized the international order. Both were for law and order. Both held xenophobic views. Hitler wanted Germany for Germans. Trump wants America for Americans. Both sent troops into foreign lands."

"Further, Trump's intention to block the entry of newcomers into the United States even though Congress opposes him is tyranny," Nadler claimed. "In my opinion, impeachment is too mild of a remedy. If Hitler hadn't committed suicide he would have been hanged. Our biggest problem is that Trump will never commit suicide. I pray that we have the same strength of character to take the drastic actions needed to save this country and the world that FDR did during the 1940s."

Guv Endorses Bill Allowing Non-Doctors to Perform Abortions

Governor Janet Mills (D-Maine) is backing legislation that would allow non-doctors to perform late term abortions in her state. "The kind of slicing and dicing needed to dispose of an unwanted child doesn't require the same kind of education and expertise needed to save a life," Mills contends. "The law currently allows mohels, who are not doctors, to perform circumcisions. Why shouldn't Satanists, who regard abortion as a sacred rite, be permitted to decapitate and dismember the unwanted unborn?"

The Governor's suggestion was greeted by cheering and applause from Democrats in the state legislature. It was also praised by Planned Parenthood's spokesperson Adora Slaughter, who called it "a significant step toward reducing the cost of the procedure. Doctors are expensive. The skills required for performing an abortion could be mastered by a wider range of individuals after a much shorter course of training. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if your average professional meat cutter couldn't do the job as well as the obgyns we have to employ under the current regulations."

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