Obama Calls for Truce in Fight Against ISIL
Citing reports that troops fighting for the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) may have come down with Ebola, US President Obama called for a halt in all military action against them.
"For us to continue the fight while our opponent is ailing would violate a basic sense of fairness," the President maintained. "If there's one thing I think all Americans can agree on it's that we shouldn't kick a foe when he's down. True sportsmanship mandates that we at least pause our attacks until ISIL troops are restored to health."
In a bid to help speed ISIL's recovery, President Obama offered to transport its ill soldiers to the US for treatment. "We have seen the contrast in cure rates for those left in the field compared to those brought to America for treatment," Obama said. "More than half of Ebola victims treated in Africa have died. All but one treated in America recovered."
The President held out hope that this gesture of compassion might soften ISIL's enmity toward us. "By taking this figurative thorn out of the lion's paw, so to speak, we extend a hand of friendship that could open the door to a more meaningful and peaceful future between our two peoples," Obama speculated.
World Health Organization (WHO) spokesman Christy Feig praised Obama's offer calling it "very Jesus-like. By turning the other cheek, President Obama has seized the moral high ground. Regardless of how ISIL responds he has vindicated the Nobel Peace Prize he was awarded six years ago."
For its part, ISIL has reportedly been executing Iraqi doctors who have failed to restore its fighters to full health.
Boehner Dismisses Poll Results
A recent Caddell Associates poll of registered Republican voters found that 60% of of those polled want House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) to be removed from his leadership post. Two-thirds of the respondents agreed that Boehner "has been ineffective in opposing President Obama's agenda."
The antipathy toward Boehner's leadership comes largely from the conservative wing of the GOP where dissatisfaction with the Cromnibus bill Boehner shepherded through the House in November's lame duck session, has stimulated talk of replacing him. In fact, a series of "Dump Boehner" rallies are scheduled for this weekend.
Boehner insisted that this poll and conservative opposition don't concern him because "registered voters aren't the ones who will be deciding the issue of who will be the Speaker of the House. This is a matter solely at the discretion of the elected members of the House of Representatives. These members are all well-informed about the consequences they face for any hint of disloyalty toward me."
The use of threats to secure loyalty, though, is somewhat tenuous. Boehner would only be able to carry them out if efforts to oust him fail. If House members align with the majority of GOP registered voters, Boehner would be unable to exact his vengeance on them since he would be stripped of his powers as Speaker.
The Speaker, however, remained confident that "House members won't take sides against me. They don't have to face voters until November of 2016. By then whatever they've done in January of 2015 will be long forgotten. They'll have to face me every day between now and then. I control all the plum committee assignments. Anyone who hopes to bring the bacon home needs to keep me happy, not a bunch of yahoos from his district."
Reid Blames Koch Brothers for Injuries
Senator Harry Reid was injured when a home exercise apparatus he was using collapsed under him. The former Majority Leader suffered broken bones in his face and ribs.
Though his injuries were described as "relatively minor," Reid's anger at the Koch brothers was not. "I don't know how they did it, but their insidious campaign of terror against this country's legitimate leaders must be stopped," Reid demanded.
Doubtful that a judicial remedy could suffice due to lack of evidence, Reid vowed he would "call upon the President to utilize his newly asserted executive authority to ensure that justice is meted out to these malefactors." A possible resolution according to Reid would be "to ship them off to Gitmo," where recent releases of incarcerated terrorists have opened up numerous vacancies.
Guv Wants Football Games to Start Later
Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton (D) is pushing for a law that would ban football game kick-offs before noon.
"The early start times are really unfair to the poor and minorities, many of whom are still in bed at that hour," Dayton claimed. "These start times may be okay for people who are used to getting up early to go to work, but they are out of sync with other lifestyles."
Setting a time more accommodating to these "other lifestyles" is important because "watching TV is a much bigger part of the lives of those on public assistance. They shouldn't be forced to rouse themselves in order to see these games. Legislation prohibiting morning kick-offs is a simple matter of social justice."
The Governor is also touting a companion bill that would boost funding to enable more public housing units to be equipped with large-screen "smart TVs." "The older model TVs that many of our poorest citizens must watch offer an inferior viewing experience," Dayton pointed out. "This violates their human rights. TV watching should not reflect a caste system where those who can afford it can obtain more than those who can't."
Obama Gives Himself an A+ for Performance
Despite characterizing himself as a "hard grader," President Obama rated his performance for the recently concluded 2014 an "A+." "My critics want to harp on their pet issues to claim my Administration was a failure, but let's look at what I was able to accomplish," he asserted.
"Republicans are slapping each other on the back for taking more seats in Congress than their Party has had since 1928, but it was my agenda that Congress enacted with the Cromnibus bill in November," the President boasted.
"I broke new ground in how the country is governed by stepping in to enact the policies Congress refused to legislate," Obama bragged. "For all the talk about this being outside my legitimate authority, Congress has done nothing and will do nothing to overturn what I've done."
"Largely through the efforts of my Attorney General, the issue of racial justice has been brought to society's attention," Obama declared. "Cops shooting Black men has given rise to street action aimed at evening the score. Millions of dollars in merchandise have been liberated and redistributed, bringing us another step closer to material equality. Commercial profiteers have been chastised for exploiting minorities."
"On the foreign policy front, I ended Bush's war of aggression in Afghanistan and have released many innocent jihadis from imprisonment in Gitmo," the President crowed. "Terrorist atrocities have been mostly limited to a few beheadings and massacres that have been confined to foreigners living in far away places. The world is safer than it has ever been."
"All-in-all, it's been a great year for me," Obama concluded. "Historians are going to look back on 2014 as the key turning point for the transformation of this country. I'm going to be rated the best among all those who have held the office of president."
Missing from the President's list of triumphs was Obamacare, which the latest Jonathan Gruber tape revealed, was forecast to be unaffordable and bound to deny coverage. In the tape, Gruber says he advised the President that "mandating universal coverage for all the items on his 'must have' list makes the program unaffordable. However, this can be offset by denying coverage for procedures that are expensive and of low social value."
Gruber contended that "the tradeoff of mandating government funding of abortions for every woman who wants one, while denying costly therapies for the elderly has synergistic effects. The money saved by restricting the care available to the old and decrepit can be used to finance aborting potential future criminals."
"Culling the human herd of these low value cohorts will be a heroic achievement that should rank the Obama Administration as the greatest in American history," Gruber concluded in his advice to the President.
Court Refuses to Reconsider Citizenship Lawsuit
A three-judge panel of the 10th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in Denver tersely rejected a request from Arizona and Kansas that an earlier decision overturning those states' proof of citizenship requirement for registering to vote be reconsidered.
"The law that these states want to enforce directly contradicts the policy that President Obama decreed last November," the panel ruled. "The President has mandated new rights for those illegally in the country. To allow states to dilute these rights by imposing their own requirements violates the presidential supremacy clause of the US Constitution."