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SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News, Best of 2013

Jan 6

President Says “Right of Conscience” Not Valid for Military Personnel

Even though he signed the 2013 National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA), President Obama says he will not abide by its provision protecting military chaplains from being compelled to perform services which violate their moral or religious beliefs.

I am the Commander-in-Chief,” Obama explained. “It is every soldier's duty to carry out my orders without hesitation or mental reservation. No religious dogma can be permitted to interfere with this duty.”

The genesis of the so-called “right of conscience” clause in the legislation was the desire to allow chaplains to be excused from performing gay marriages if their religious beliefs are opposed to the concept.

The notion that those seeking same-sex marriage should just accept a minister from a denomination that accepts this practice is unacceptable,” the President declared. “For an army to function individual consciences must be suppressed. Isn't there a commandment 'thou shalt not kill' in the Christian Bible? We don't allow individual soldiers a 'right of conscience' privilege to refrain from obeying commands to kill enemies. How, then, can we allow individual chaplains a privilege to refrain from marrying soldiers of the same sex?”

Jan 13

Veep Suggests Platinum Solution to Gun Control

In what he called a “stroke of genius,” Vice-President Joe Biden suggested that President Obama could bypass both Congress and the Constitution by using an Executive Order to solve the gun violence crisis.

It was when I heard people talking about minting trillion dollar platinum coins to solve the debt ceiling thing that I got the idea of using platinum to get around 2nd Amendment objections to gun control,” Biden boasted. “If the President were to simply require that platinum be the only metal permitted in bullets we could effectively eliminate privately held guns without actually banning them.”

The Vice-President argued that “as Commander-in-Chief, the President has the Constitutional authority to prescribe the types of weapons and ammunition that the 2nd Amendment says a 'well regulated militia' should have. The simplicity of my proposal is that we wouldn't be infringing on the right to bear arms. People would still have this Constitutionally protected right, but very, very few could afford the cost of ammunition.”

Biden added that “there would also be significant gains from eliminating the accumulation of lead in our environment from spent rounds hitting trees and dirt when hunters miss their targets. So, in a way it's kind of a bipolar inspiration I had.”

Senator Diane Feinstein (D-Calif) heralded Biden's idea as “a breakthrough of enormous magnitude. The only thing I would add is a proviso that the platinum requirement would only apply to ammunition used by private gun owners. Government law enforcement would need to be exempt for budgetary reasons.”

Feinstein suggested that “existing stocks of lead bullets in private hands could be retrieved via some sort of mandatory 'buy back' program. This would effectively criminalize all possession of leaded ammunition as well as give the government an overwhelming advantage in firepower against any opposition.”

Jan 20

Attorney General Says Requiring DOJ to Comply with Law “Too Risky”

Attorney General Eric Holder is asking a federal court to absolve the Department of Justice (DOJ) from complying with the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) because “not to do so would inflict irreparable harm.” The DOJ action came in response to a suit filed by Judicial Watch. The suit is aimed at obtaining public information on DOJ's “fast and furious” scheme to supply guns to Mexican gangsters.

There is no need for the people at Judicial Watch or, for that matter, anyone to know the details of this now defunct federal undertaking,” Holder insisted. “My Department has taken the necessary corrective actions. This belated attempt to poke around into government business is both unnecessary and destructive.”

While acknowledging that the FOIA mandates the requested information be released, the Attorney General asserted that “a higher law argues against blind obedience to a statute originally aimed at the misdeeds of a prior Administration. All we are asking is that the nation's broader interests take precedence over a mere observance of formalistic rules.”

Holder further suggested that “something along the lines of the 75-year sealing of the records on the JFK assassination imposed by the Warren Commission might be the appropriate model for how we should handle this. The American people's faith in their government must not be allowed to be undermined by what, at this point, can only be viewed as an effort to satisfy 'academic curiosity.'”

Judicial Watch President Tom Fitton described Holder's stance as “beyond ironic. At the same time that the Obama Administration is demanding unprecedented access to all sorts of information about private citizens who are not charged with any crimes, we see the Attorney General contending that information relevant to actual crimes committed during its ill-conceived gun-running 'sting' operation be swept under the rug. His position is stunning in its ethical, moral, and legal incoherence.”

Jan 27

Kerry Defends President Obama's Unilateral War-Making in Libya

Forty years ago, John Kerry, currently a Democratic senator from Massachusetts and President Obama's nominee to take over as Secretary of State, denounced US bombing of Cambodia. More recently, he has excused President Obama's bombing of Libya.

How are these two instances different?” Senator Rand Paul (R-Ken) asked at Kerry's confirmation hearing. “Weren't both acts of war taken without Congressional authority? Doesn't the Constitution vest the war-making power in Congress?”

The issue is a complex one with many nuances,” Kerry replied. “In an effort to simplify it for you, let me point out that the bombing of Cambodia took place in a war that I already opposed. It was ordered by then President Nixon, who as it turns out, was a criminal that would've gone to prison if it weren't for President Ford's pardon.”

In contrast, the bombing in Libya was ordered by a Nobel Prize winning President Obama,” Kerry pointed out. “Since President Obama is a credentialed man of peace his actions carry a patina of legitimacy that goes beyond the strictures of one nation's Constitution. He is clearly a 'man for all seasons' and justifiably, in my opinion, cannot be restrained from using his superior wisdom to resolve international disputes.”

That the intervention ordered by Obama may have contributed to strengthening al-Qaeda in Libya and leading to the later assassination of Ambassador Stevens was brushed aside as “an unforeseen series of unfortunate events” by Senator Kerry. “Who could have predicted such an outcome? When even the best minds at the Department of State are stumped who are we to second guess them?”

Feb 3

Outgoing Energy Secretary Defends Administration's “Green Investments”

Secretary of Energy Steven Chu announced his resignation from the Obama Administration this week. Chu had clashed frequently with critics of Obama's so-called green investment approach. He took the occasion of his pending departure to fire off a final volley at these critics.

Much as these people would like to portray the bankruptcies of a large number of recipients of government aid as a failure of the Administration's green investment policy, they are wrong,” Chu maintained. “Take the Solyndra Company as a example. The contention is that the $500 million we invested in this now bankrupt company was a waste takes a too narrow view of the program.”

First of all, the $500 million we put into Solyndra is $500 million that was not available for a more environmentally damaging form of energy production,” Chu argued. “Money that might have been used to expand output of oil or coal was diverted away from these polluting technologies.”

Second, the fact that Solyndra failed is another overlooked plus for the environment,” Chu continued. “As long as the company remained open it meant employees commuting to work and spewing emissions into the air. It meant lighting, heating, and cooling the facilities in which these employees worked. Since green energy sources couldn't have met these needs, an idled plant helps reduce the consumption polluting energy sources.”

Chu suggested that “we ought to emulate China. They are making more headway on green energy than we can here. They don't have naysayers nitpicking every idea insisting that it must meet some kind of 'reasonable return on investment concept.' The Government sees what it wants done and just orders everyone to fall in line.”

Ironically, half of the world's annual coal consumption occurs in China. China's urban areas also have dangerous levels of air pollution with coal soot particles more than 20 times higher than is considered safe.

Feb 10

Obama's Passiveness over Benghazi Defended

Recent testimony at the Senate Armed Services Committee by Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta and Joint Chiefs of Staff General Martin Dempsey disclosed that President Obama showed little interest in the September 11, 2012 attack on the US Consulate.

Some 90 minutes into the seven hour siege I briefed the President with what I felt we knew at the time,” Panetta said. “He didn't react. He asked no questions. He gave no instructions.”

How this sworn testimony should be interpreted in light of Obama's unsworn assertion that he gave clear directives to “secure our personnel” posed a challenge for Press Secretary Jay Carney.

The President is legendary for his coolness under pressure,” Carney bragged. “It is easy to see how Secretary Panetta might construe this as not reacting to the shocking news. The President's incomparable brilliance obviously enabled him to grasp everything without having to ask any questions.”

As for the Secretary's impression that the President gave no instructions, let me point out that it is the Secretary's job to anticipate what the President wants without having to be explicitly told,” Carney added. “This gives the President the flexibility to embrace or disavow whatever action may be taken or not taken as seems most advantageous as the situation develops. Seeing that the President won reelection two months later, it should be apparent that those who are now second guessing his artful handling of the crisis are off base.”

Feb 17

Pelosi Takes Aim at Sequester's “Cruelest Cut”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) characterized the limitations on Congressional pay in the looming sequester as “the cruelest cut in the entire package.”

Considering all the money we have appropriated for those making dubious or even negative contributions to our society it is unconscionable that we should be treated so shabbily,” Pelosi contended. “We are key players in ruling this country. We ought to have salaries commensurate with the significance of our role.”

Corporate executives presiding over budgets a tiny fraction of what we dispose of in a year take down salaries and bonuses in the millions of dollars,” she pointed out. “Equity argues for us to to paid on a similar scale.”

Representative Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Texas) seconded Pelosi's take asserting that “a boost in my pay is necessary to complete the emancipation initiated by President Lincoln during the Civil War. I can't be truly free until the repression suffered by my ancestors in slavery is repaid to me in cash.”

The Minority Leader conceded that it is unlikely that her view would prevail because “the GOP is too busy tearing down the magnificence of government in a calculated bid to starve it of the resources to which it is entitled. Their portrayal of government as a burden that must be lightened and a power that must be restrained is the exact opposite of what the voters who reelected President Obama want.”

Pelosi expressed optimism that “voters will tire of seeing their elected representatives suffer under the hardships imposed by the sequester and elect solid Democratic majorities in the 2014 balloting. Then there will be no impediments to the President's progressive agenda to transform America.”Amendment to the Constitution barred the government from interfering with an individual's right of conscience.

Feb 24

Administration Lashes Out at Congressmen's Failure to Consume Office Budget Allowance

Senator Rand Paul (R-Ken) held a press event to announce he is returning $600,000 in unused funds to the US Treasury. The Senator said he was “proud of the fiscal prudence shown by my staff in making sure we are as efficient as possible with the taxpayers' money.” This is the second time Paul has refunded money. Last year he returned $500,000.

Representative Mick Mulvaney (R-SC) also announced his office was returning $160,000 in unspent funds. “At a time when Americans are tightening their budgets, I have made an effort to do the same with my Congressional office budget,” Mulvaney said.

Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney denounced the refunds, calling them “political grandstanding” and “deliberate attempts to undermine the nation's confidence in the President's program. Given the perilous state of the economy the President has made it clear that maintaining a high level of government spending is essential to sparking economic recovery. The savings on computers, paper and ink that Senator Paul boasts he has achieved are the exact opposite of what the President wants.”

The Press Secretary promised that “these uncooperative actions will not succeed. The amounts diverted by these Congressional misers are small enough that a single additional trip to a golf course outside of the DC area by the President can expend sufficient funds to completely obliterate their negative impact.”

Carney speculated that “seeing their errant penny-pinching wiped out by a leisure expenditure benefiting the President could be a severe blow to the morale of these right-wing obstructionists.”

Mar 3

Regulations Stifling Business

Fred Deluca, founder of Subway Restaurants says that government regulations are hurting business so much that if he were attempting to start Subway today he'd be unlikely to succeed. Among the regulations he cited as most harmful were the mandatory minimum wage and Obamacare.

The costs incurred to comply with regulations are particularly hard on small businesses,” Deluca complained. “A guy trying to run a sandwich shop can't afford the added legal expense of trying to keep up with constantly changing rules. Government bureaucrats think we can easily pass higher costs on to customers, but customers have many choices and will not simply dig deeper to pay more.”

Press Secretary Jay Carney characterized Deluca as “a first-class ingrate. Subway is already a large business. To the extent that regulations are driving up costs for small businesses government is actually helping him fend off the competition of newcomers. He should be thanking us.”

Government regulations discouraging new start-ups was seen as a good thing. “Going into business for yourself is risky,” Carney pointed out. “The majority of new small businesses fail. Stopping them before they get started saves them from the financial and emotional setbacks of failure. It's not as if there aren't already enough sandwich shops out there. Besides, the President is a cheeseburger and ice cream kind of guy anyway.”

Mar 10

Democrats Argue for Fairer Allocation of Nation's Collective Wealth

Both President Obama and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) labeled GOP demands that the federal deficit be reduced by focusing on cuts in government spending “narrow minded.”

By insisting on looking only at federal spending they're ignoring 75% of the economy,” the President complained. “America produces $15 trillion of output per year. The federal government only spends $3.5 trillion of that. What we're saying is that the fairest way to cut the deficit is to take a slice out of the bigger piece of the pie that currently is allocated to the private sector.”

Every dollar we let the private sector take out of the nation's GDP is a dollar that could be used to reduce the federal deficit,” Obama explained. “By siding with those who are already hogging the bigger share of the collective wealth of America, the GOP is siding with selfishness over community.”

The Republicans' argument that the private sector is earning its wealth overlooks the fact that the government is letting them do this,” Pelosi maintained. “The amount of the nation's wealth that is allowed to flow to the private sector is a discretionary decision. The GOP's attempt to assert that a person who produces it has some sort of claim on the output elevates greed over need as a matter of policy.”

Obama and Pelosi expressed optimism that “once the American people realize that the entire wealth of the nation can be redistributed by government action they will either press the Republicans to cooperate in the process or sweep them aside into the dustbin of history.”

The idea that government can make better use of the nation's resources is cast into doubt by a recent Inspector General's report showing that most of the $63 billion in taxpayer money spent to reconstruct Iraq has been wasted. Part of the money went to overpay for supplies like the $900 paid for a switch that retails for $7 and the $80 paid for pipe that retails for less than $2. Other funds went for construction projects never completed that now lie in ruins. Nearly a third of the $63 billion seems to have simply disappeared without a trace.

Mar 17

President Denies Debt Poses a Problem

In an interview with ABC's George Stephanopoulos on “Good Morning America,” President Obama asserted that “there is no debt crisis in this country” and says he sees “no reason to bargain with Republicans over the budget.”

The amusing little analogies Republicans are making about households having to make cuts when times are tough simply don't apply to the federal government,” Obama declared. “I'll grant that debt can be a problem for households having to cope with limited resources. But how is this relevant to the government?”

Let's assume we were going to pay back what we borrowed,” the President said. “In what sense are the government's resources limited? The GDP is over $15 trillion per year. So one year's output alone would be almost enough to pay back the whole outstanding debt. All Congress would have to do is enact the appropriate taxes to channel resources into paying debt.”

Now let's ask a more radical question—why should we pay back the debt?” Obama continued. “The people who lent the money did so of their own free will. The money was used for the benefit of the American people. A default on the debt would simply be a transfer from the bond buyers—most of whom are wealthy—to everyone else—most of whom are not wealthy. Would that really be so bad?”

Obama was quick to add that he wasn't necessarily advocating default. “We don't want to end up in court with creditors suing the government,” he said. “Even though the government is within its sovereign rights to default, litigation would be a pain. Having the Fed create enough additional money to cover all debts is probably the least troublesome way to get out from under any perceived obligation to repay.”

Mar 24

Dem Says Aides Face Starvation Because of Sequester

A tearful Representative Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (D-Fla) blamed “heartless Republicans” for the “severe hardships” the sequester is imposing on members of her staff.

Nearly half of my office staff has been forced to forgo lunch on a daily basis because of the cruel budget cuts that have been forced down our throats by the GOP,” the Congresswoman claimed.

The “toll of suffering” has been less than half because “some have been able to make do with sack lunches of leftovers or peanut butter sandwiches they bring from home,” she explained. “This is not a solution that can be applied across-the-board, though. Some simply lack the skill required to assemble their own lunches. Others feel that going out for lunch is an essential part of being a person of stature.”

Wasserman-Schultz suggested that those wanting to help preserve the dignity and health of those serving in government could make a cash donation to the “Congressional Aide Feeding Fund” and should call her office (202- 225-7931) to arrange for automatic monthly transfers from their checking accounts.

Mar 31

Government Has Obligation to Infringe on Freedom

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg defended his “nanny state” inclinations saying that “there are certain times we should infringe on your freedom.”

Freedom should not be taken for granted,” Bloomberg asserted. “I know that in America it has been built up into some sort of iconic vision for society, but government needs to ensure that it isn't abused. Too many people are frivolously using their freedom to engage in socially destructive behaviors. They may think that whether they smoke, eat poorly, or act in an undisciplined manner is their own affair. At the same time they expect society to come to their rescue with health insurance, disability benefits, and welfare payments.”

If we're going to have a fiscally viable social safety net government must intervene to reduce the risk to society of the consequences of ill-thought-out actions,” Bloomberg insisted. “We have the means to do this. We have comprehensive databases, surveillance, and a wide range of public agencies to accomplish our objectives.”

Bloomberg acknowledged that his approach entails a massive invasion of privacy, but argued that “there is no way we can both preserve privacy and maximize collective well-being. People could be left to do as they please or they can be protected from the effects of their folly. Looking at the election results over the generations, I think it's pretty clear that more and more voters prefer security over freedom.”

The Mayor said he envisioned “a day when the proper lifestyle choices would be so ingrained that coercive measures are no longer necessary. In the meantime, though, we should not shy away from stern enforcement of rules that move us closer to this ideal.”

Apr 7

City Defends Hiring Non-Swimming Minorities as Lifeguards

While taking some flak for doing so, City of Phoenix officials are standing by their decision to accept non-swimming minorities as pool lifeguards.

The problem with requiring swimming proficiency as a condition of employment is that minorities would be under-represented among those we hire,” City Parks and Recreation Administrator Alfredo Zote. “The Mayor has asked us to strive for a workforce that mirrors the composition of the City's population. We can't do that if we impose qualifications that have a disproportionate impact on any racial or ethnic groups.”

As to whether the ability to swim might not be a crucial skill in the performance of the job, Zote demurred. “Few of the annual drownings that occur in our state are at public pools,” he pointed out. “And we can team the non-swimming minority hire with a strong-swimming white hiree. That way the non-swimmer can help spot a potential drowning victim and direct the swimmer to rescue him.”

While Zote acknowledged that he had no idea on whether the new policy would have any negative consequences for the safety of visitors to any of the City's 23 public pools he did ask that “critics balance any undesired outcomes at the pools with the social gains of our minority hiring policy. Providing employment for disfavored groups is not without its benefits. Whether their gains in self-esteem outweigh losses in terms of injury or fatalities at our sites is, in my opinion, a judgment call.”

Apr 14

Obama Calls for Federally-Funded Pre-School for Four Year Olds

Saying that too many of our children are ill-prepared for the world of the future, President Obama urged Congress to enact federal funding for pre-schools.

We need to replace the idiosyncratic influences of our 'do-it-yourself' methods of child rearing with a more cohesive approach,” the President said. “Leaving so much of the responsibility on each individual family is a formula for chaos. Different parents seek to instill different value systems. The result is that clashes of these value systems impede coordinated progress toward the collective well-being of all.”

In addition to providing an environment for the inculcation of better values, a federally-funded pre-school program would alleviate a significant amount of parental suffering,” Obama added. “Having a place to ship your four-year-old off to each day for a few hours gives the parents extra free time they can spend on more satisfying pursuits while their child is under the capable care and instruction of trained education professionals.”

Future Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) endorsed the President's proposal pointing out that “as Melissa Harris-Perry said on TV the other day, we've got to get past the notion that children belong to their parents. Children belong to the community. China understands this and has been pursuing an even more aggressive intervention with its children in order to ensure that a more uniform system of rearing the young contributes to a stronger and more unified nation. We need to get moving if we are to keep pace.”

Apr 21

Administration Pressures Washington DOT

A series of signs critical of President Obama may cost the State of Washington its share of federal aid for highway construction. The signs are on private property but can be seen by travelers on I-5 about 90 miles south of Seattle near the town of Chehalis.

Interstate highways are 90% funded by the federal government,” said USDOT Secretary Ray LaHood. “It is improper that they be exploited for the communication of messages opposing the government.”

The Secretary added “we'd regret having to resort to withholding funds, but when people don't show the appropriate respect for all the President is trying to do for the country we can't just sit back and take it. State officials aren't going to be allowed to hide behind a 'freedom-of-speech' argument in order to evade taking action. We think the prospect of losing hundreds of millions of dollars in federal aid will inspire them to find a way to eliminate these affronts.”

WSDOT CEO Lynn Peterson acknowledged “feeling frustrated by the difficult position we're in. We can't afford to lose this money. Our contention that there is no proof the signs are having any impact was rejected by the USDOT. They say that waiting for proof would set a bad precedent.”

We can't just tear down the signs,” Peterson complained. “We don't own the property they're on. Trying to screen them from view is impractical. Any obstruction we might erect on our right-of-way could simply be avoided by moving the offending signs a few dozen yards. Our best bet might be to try to induce the locals to take action.”

The “inducement” reportedly under consideration is a threat by WSDOT to close the Chehalis on-ramp to I-5. The idea is that if drivers from the local area lose their access to the highway they may prevail upon the town council to zone these signs out. It's also felt that fear of possible retaliation from angry neighbors might cause the owners of these signs to take them down themselves.

Apr 28

Administration Brochure Touts Food Stamp Benefits for Foreigners

It was recently discovered that the Obama Administration has been working jointly with the Mexican government to inform that country's illegal migrants to the United States of their “rights to government food assistance.”

The product of this cooperative undertaking is a Spanish-language flyer supplied to the Mexican Embassy by the US Department of Agriculture. The flyer asserts that “even those who enter America illegally are still entitled to certain benefits” and explains how these “undocumented persons” may secure these benefits through the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP).

Senator Jeff Sessions (R-Ala) called the revelation “evidence of a dangerously misguided policy. We are $16 trillion in debt. Adding foreign nationals to our welfare rolls is fiscally irresponsible.”

US Department of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack defended the outreach program saying “it clearly falls within the nation's proud tradition of welcoming newcomers to our shores. Doesn't our Statue of Liberty ask the world to give us their poor and hungry masses yearning to live free? How can we not feed them once they get here? Wouldn't that be breach of promise?”

Vilsack hastened to point out that “our efforts aren't confined to Mexicans. We're very ecumenical in our outlook. One of the guys who bombed the Boston Marathon was a beneficiary of the SNAP food subsidies. We didn't pry into his private life. We didn't question his beliefs. To us he was a human being in need of help. That he may have been ungrateful for that help is something we can't control. Should we let this unfortunate turn of events change who we are? Isn't this when we're supposed to turn the other cheek?”

May 5

Obamacare “Train Wreck” GOP's Fault, Reid Says

Indications that President Obama's Affordable Care Act (Obamacare), his signature legislative accomplishment, is turning into a fiasco of major proportions has Democrats uneasy.

A man instrumental in its enactment, Senate Finance Committee Chairman Max Baucus (D-Mont), labeled it a “train wreck. The implementation is a total shambles. It's as if Secretary Sebelius has no idea of what she's doing. She's been quick to ensure that everyone is entitled to abortion coverage, but how the average person is supposed to cope with unforeseen medical contingencies is up in the air. On top of this, employers across the nation are cutting employees hours in order to evade their responsibility to pay for health insurance.”

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) laid the blame squarely on the GOP. “We did our part to create this new entitlement, it's the Republicans' turn to step up and vote for the funding needed to finance it,” Reid said.

That funding is needed contradicts the original script of the Democrats' case for the legislation. It was supposed to be self-financing. It was supposed to save money. Neither of which now seems to be true. In fact, projections now show that the cost of health insurance is set to increase by 25% to 50% under the law.

While the rising cost of Obamacare is now the consensus view, the contention that it will improve health care also received some disconcerting contrary news. A study of the federal Medicaid program in Oregon revealed that while spending rose by 35% for eligible recipients, health outcomes did not improve. In the 18-month period studied, participants fared no better than non-participants.

Based on this study's results, Avik Roy, Senior Fellow at the Manhattan Institute called it “unethical to take money from taxpayers to fund a program that doesn't improve health outcomes.”

Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius disagreed. “Health outcomes aren't the only metric with which we are concerned,” Sebelius asserted. “Taking money from those who have more than they need and spending it on those who have less is, in itself, a worthy goal. Just because a person is poor is no good reason for him to be denied the opportunity to have money spent on his behalf regardless of whether it does any good.”

May 12

President Tells Grads that Fear of Tyranny a “Mental Illness”

In a commencement address to graduates of Ohio State University, President Obama urged them to eschew “the deranged rantings of those who see growth of government as antithetical to human liberty.”

The President warned that “this particular form of mental illness can be traced back to the Founders of this country who portrayed the modest efforts of the British Government to instill some much-needed discipline into an unruly population as a so-called tyranny against Americans' supposed natural rights.”

Obama alleged that “while the people of 1776 could be excused for their ignorance—after all, universal public education would not be implemented for another century or more—graduates of today's top-of-the-line universities ought to break free of these delusions.”

The President concluded his remarks by encouraging new grads to “join my crusade to transform the ways we think about freedom in this country. It's not enough to just have the liberty to live one's own life if you don't have the means to enjoy it. This is where an enlarged role for government comes into play. By wresting away the undeserved wealth from those who have more than they need, government can acquire the resources to ensure a richer and fuller life for all. By voting eagerly and often you can help make this happen.”

An indication that fear of tyranny might not be as “deranged” as President Obama would have us believe emerged when the IRS was forced to apologize for harassing Tea Party opponents of Obama's policies. Top IRS official Lois Lerner admitted that “this invasion of privacy for purely political reasons was, of course, wrong. However, to put this into proper perspective, no one died as a result of this abuse of the agency's authority. And in our defense the harassment was carried out at the request of high ranking members of the US Senate.”

The Senators reported to have demanded that the IRS audit or otherwise harry Tea Party members included Robert Bennett (D-Utah), Charles Schumer (D-NY), Al Franken (D-Minn), Tom Udall (D-NM), Jeanne Shaheen (D-NH), Sheldon Whitehouse (D-Conn), and Jeff Merkley (D-Ore).

An unrepentant Senator Franken defiantly defended his request saying “we are at war for the conscience of America. Why shouldn't we use every weapon at our disposal. These tea-baggers are relentless in their quest to resist their own government. We, who are the government, have every right to fight back as we see fit.”

May 19

Planned Parenthood Ad Campaign Breaks New Ground

Planned Parenthood's new advertisement asserting that aborted babies will thank their would-be mothers evidences a shift to macabre honesty in the organization's messaging.

There's nothing worse for a child than being unwanted,” claimed PP spokeswoman Adora Slaughter. “Add to this the burdensome tedium of motherhood and you have a formula that maximizes unhappiness. Abortion rescues all the participants from this fate.”

Previously, we have invested almost all our energy on advising women to carefully consider the responsibilities they could avoid by aborting a potential child they don't want,” Slaughter said. “I mean, having a baby you don't want is like an 18-year sentence to hard labor. There's the pain of childbirth, then the feeding, diapering, and constant supervision that tells a woman 'your life is not your own.' But anti-abortion agitators have been making inroads advancing a 'benefit to the child' line of argument. Our new campaign is taking that argument on and refuting its false logic.”

Studies show that unwanted children are more likely to be victims of parental neglect and abuse,” Slaughter observed. “Worse yet, many of these neglected and abused children go on to lives of crime and degradation. Our new ad urges expectant mothers to weigh these negatives before being emotionally seduced into a misguided notion that going to term with an unwanted pregnancy is somehow more humane than a quick abortion. The gratitude of both a child spared an unworthy life and a society relieved of its consequences merit consideration.”

Slaughter dismissed the possible suffering of the aborted baby as “gruesome, but mercifully brief. Being dismembered in the womb is over in a matter of minutes. Even if the fetus can feel pain it is momentary compared to the full lifetime of pain that the unwanted child must face. No, abortion is the kinder choice.”

In related news, the conviction of Kermit Gosnell for murdering three babies who survived his attempt to legally abort them inspired Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) to call for more federal aid to fund abortions. “As it stands, the most remunerative fields for doctors are neurosurgery and cardiology, so that's where the best talent goes,” Reid said. “If there were a bigger payoff for performing abortions we'd get doctors with the skills to legally kill the fetuses before they emerge from their mothers' bodies. Then they wouldn't have to be stabbed to death by clumsy incompetents like Gosnell.”

May 26

Criticizing Obama “Offensive” Says Aide

Daniel Pfeiffer, Senior Advisor to the President for Strategy and Communications, denounced criticism of President Obama in strident terms this past week, calling critics “uppity.”

Here we have the leader of the free world, a Nobel Prize winner, being accosted by people unfit to lick his boots,” Pfeiffer complained. “How low has our civilization sunk that such effrontery is tolerated?”

Pfeiffer labeled inquiries about Benghazi, the IRS and phone taps of reporters “fishing expeditions. They think they're going to find some 'smoking gun' linking the President to one or more of these incidents in some substantive way. Well, I'm telling you it's not going to happen. The President has insulated himself from culpability for whatever may occur. There are strict rules about who may tell the President what that ensure he will honestly be able to disavow all knowledge of what is going on.”

On top of this he has an enormously wide array of options for eliminating disloyal and uncooperative elements both inside and outside his Administration,” Pfeiffer pointed out. “Those chafing over getting hassled by the IRS ought to consider themselves lucky that sterner measures weren't used against them.”

It all comes down to whether people are going to show proper respect for the President,” Pfeiffer concluded. “We cannot sit by and allow the office and the great man who occupies it to undergo the type of heedless questioning of its authority that we have seen over the last few weeks. Rest assured that the President will do whatever it takes to assert and wield that authority. The alternative is too scary to contemplate.”

Jun 2

Mass Gov Says Welfare Irregularities Overblown

The release of an audit showing that over $2 million in welfare benefits were paid out to deceased recipients originally sent Governor Deval Patrick into seclusion. Now it has him fighting mad.

First, let's not blow things out of proportion,” Patrick pleaded. “In the context of the State's $30 billion budget, the $2.4 million erroneously paid out to dead people is mere pocket change.”

Second, it could be argued that being dead is the worst off a person can be,” Patrick added. “Since welfare is supposed to go to the least well off is it really such a travesty that money went to such persons? Granted, the deceased can't spend the money himself, but surely his bereaved family has some needs that may have been intensified by his demise.”

The Governor's adroit handling of this scandal is believed to have upped his stock as a potential successor for embattled Obama Administration Attorney General Eric Holder in the event the President feels compelled to dismiss him for his part in several scandals and his perjured testimony in Congress.

In related news, illegal alien and mother of seven, Marita Nelson recently celebrated her 20th anniversary of receiving government welfare. Nelson currently is in the midst of a personal crusade to convince as many other illegals as she can to sign up for welfare benefits. An ally in this crusade is the Obama Administration, which has hired recruiters to

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