John Deere doesn't even tell you what some of these cost in their advertisements; just how much you'll pay each month. Probably because you really don't want to know what they cost, that being a measure of what you cannot afford to pay.

Some of these ads do not tell you how many months you'll be paying, either. The lure – tantalizing to the innumerate – being that it is "only $49 per month."

Why, that sounds like a deal! I can afford that! Anyone can afford that. Which explains why so many cannot afford to buy anything. Including lawn mowers, which people used to regularly pay cash for, because lawn mowers didn't entail monthly payments.

How about "0 percent financing" . . . for 60 months"?

This is for a riding lawn mower, mind. It cuts the grass. It does not fly. It doesn't even move faster than a sprightly man can walk. It doesn't have AC or even a stereo. It has a cupholder.

But it is "compliant" with all the latest federal emissions and saaaaaaaaaaaafety regulations and yes, these apply to riding lawnmowers, too. These include – so far – the "feature" that automatically shuts off the engine whenever the operator gets off the mower. Or mows on uneven terrain that causes his weight to shift, causing the underseat nanny to cut off the engine, which then coughs back to life as the operator's cheeks resume equilibrium.