The Centers For Disease Control and World Health Organization have released a joint alert on a new and highly contagious viral mutation dubbed "The Patriot Flue" and officially classified as TPF1776.

"TPF1776 has proved resistant to almost all our methods to contain it or to cure it" said one source who chose to remain nameless. "Once it spreads it's just really hard to remove" continued the source.

Of particular concern to health officials and indeed, officials throughout the public service industry, was that unlike the recent Mexican Flue, TPF1776 does not appear to have any single point of origin or a "groud zero". In the words of a highly placed official who chose to remain nameless, "this thing just started popping up everywhere at once, it's crazy".

Compounding this epidemiological challenge are the complex range of symptoms presented to doctors. "Nobody has actually died from it" explained one perplexed physician who chose to remain nameless, "but it's certainly induced a lot of people to miss work on occasion" continued the perplexed physician.

 

Virologists are similarly stymied. "What we're seeing is that this virus causes the red cells and the white cells hook up with these  strange blue cells" said one virologist who chose to remain nameless. "We know we've seen this before but we just can't remember where" he continued. "Perhaps an effect of this virus is making you think of things you seem to remember from somewhere" he postulated. "We really don't know yet" he surmised.

 

Legislators  have already sprung into action and in a rare display of bi-partisan cooperation are prepared to rush H.B. 100000000000000000000025 through the House floor. Sensibly named the "Get rid of icky nasty stuff that everybody hates" bill, this legislation would provide funding for "about a gazillion more government jobs and a shitload of new taxes" in the words of a congressional staffer who chose to remain nameless. If the healing effect of thousands of new government jobs is not immediately effective, TPF1776 could have unknown consequences for the nation. "At the rate this freaking disease is spreading we won't have anybody left to govern" said one visibly shaken Senator who chose to remain nameless.