IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

More About: Humor

SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: November 19, 2023 Edition

SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: November 19, 2023 Edition

by John Semmens

More Dangerous Disease Experiments?

In September, the House Select Committee on the Chinese Communist Party issued a report disclosing that a lab staffed by Chinese nationals has been covertly operating in Reedley, California. Among the diseases found at the site were SARS-CoV-2, Chlamydia, HIV, Ecoli, Ebola, Streptococcus pneumoniae, Hepatitis, Dengue, Rubella and Malaria. The illegal lab was established by Jiabei Zhu. Zhu entered the US illegally after fleeing from a $330 million judgment against him for "theft of intellectual property" in Canada. Zhu defended his crimes as "necessary to combat American Imperialism and aggression against China."

Meanwhile, the National Institutes of Health (NIH) has awarded Colorado State University (CSU) $6.7 million to build a new lab in partnership with EcoHealth Alliance (EHA). Greg Ebel, a CSU virologist, insisted that "though EHA has previously sent funding to the Wuhan Lab in China for gain-of-function research on the coronavirus, this grant isn't for funding a bioweapons lab. We're not working with Ebola or Nipah virus or any of these things." However, the grant explicitly says the money would be used to study Covid, Ebola, and Nipah viruses.

Newly appointed NIH Director Monica Bertagnolli admitted that "Ebel's disclaimer was not entirely candid. However, research on deadly pathogens is essential if we hope to develop successful vaccines and cures. This research must not be impeded by excessive public fear of the kind of unforeseen consequences that arose from the escape of the coronavirus from the Wuhan Lab. Clearly, China is going to continue to try to develop effective bioweapons. We must do the same. It is unfortunate that our efforts have to run a gauntlet of criticism sparked by distrust of our government's motives and competency during the Covid pandemic."

Xi's Visit Inspires Americans

For years San Francisco's streets have been polluted by unsightly and unhealthy homeless encampments, aggressive and menacing panhandlers, piles of human excrement and discarded hypodermic needles. Residents, businesses, and pedestrians have suffered financial losses, physical harm, and inconvenience. City and state officials have refused to deal with these problems.

However, this week's visit by China's President Xi Jinping inspired these same officials to take quick action. It took only three days to make the areas that could be seen or videotaped during Xi's visit appear respectable. Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) explained that "when the leader of the world's most powerful and dynamic country pays you a visit it would be unforgivable to not have the place made more presentable. Remember, China cleaned up Beijing for the Olympic visitors in 2012 and 2022. By showing that we can learn from their example we will earn more autonomy when we have to live under their rule in the not so distant future."

Business leaders from Apple, Pfizer, FedEx, Boeing, Blackrock, and Mastercard, government officials Commerce Secretary Gina Raimondo, US Ambassador to China Nicholas Burns, White House China advisor Kurt Campbell, San Francisco Mayor London Breed and California State Treasurer Fiona Ma and the 300 others who paid $2,000 apiece to attend the banquet given to honor Xi gave him a standing ovation after his speech in which he asked and answered the question "are we adversaries or partners? China is ready to be a partner and friend of the United States."

House Foreign Affairs Committee Chairman Michael McCaul (R-Tx) panned the visit, saying "having these senior level meetings without getting anything in return and without having any desired outcomes sets a horrible precedent and makes the United States look incredibly weak."

Presidential Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre called McCaul's criticism "ignorant. Xi said he is going to give us another pair of pandas. These lovable creatures have brightened the lives of everyone who has seen them at the DC Zoo. Anyone who can't appreciate that isn't fit to question the President's success in keeping us on friendly terms with China."

Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen also pointed out that "the President's policies have promoted greater income growth in China. This is good for the globe and good for the United States. Last year we got $760 billion in merchandise from China in exchange for merchandise worth only $393 billion. China invested the $367 billion difference in our treasury debt. This helps us to cover the federal deficit. I call this a guarantee of future friendly relations between our two countries because the only way for them to get paid back is for us to prosper."

Moody's Investors Service disagrees with Yellen, saying "the accumulation of more government debt on top of already record deficits is a sign of financial weakness that will lead to lower credit ratings and higher interest costs." Moody's is the last of the three major credit ratings agencies to still rate US debt as AAA. Fitch and Standard & Poor have already lowered the rating on US federal debt to AA.

Who Is Disconnected from Reality?

Polls show that 75% of adults think the economy is in "fair" or "poor" shape, that 61% are living paycheck-to-paycheck, and that only 14% believe they are better off since Biden took office. President Biden thinks "these people are suffering a disconnect from reality. More people in the United States are in the workforce today than any time in American history. We now have the lowest rate of inflation of any advanced economy in the world. Meanwhile, median household wealth has grown by 37% in real terms since the depths of the pandemic."

CNN Senior Political Data Reporter Harry Enten said "I don't think there's this disconnect between Americans and what's actually going on. I think there might be a disconnect between what President Biden thinks is going on and what is actually going on. Inflation and population-adjusted disposable personal income has declined since the last year of the Trump Administration. Rents, interest rates, food and gasoline prices are all way up from where they were under Trump. The reason President Biden's messaging isn't working is because people are looking at what's in their own pockets. And they feel the economy isn't doing so swell."

Vaccine Injustice

The claim was that the Covid vaccines were safe and effective. Yet, the manufacturers were granted immunity from liability for any harm these vaccines may have caused. As a substitute adjudication mechanism, the government established the Countermeasures Injury Compensation Program (CICP). Thus far nearly 13,000 injury claims for damages done by the Covid vaccines have been submitted to the CICP. Only 1,800 of these claims have been assessed by the CICP: 1,728 were denied, 72 were determined to be "eligible for compensation," and six injured persons have been paid an average of $2,148 each. Inasmuch as some of the harms caused by the vaccines included death and myocarditis--a serious heart ailment--the amounts awarded seem grossly insufficient.

According to world renowned Covid vaccine expert Dr. Anthony Fauci, "these statistics show what a remarkable success these vaccines turned out to be. Out of 650 million doses of vaccines administered in this country only 1 out of every 500 injections resulted in a claim for damages. Out of the 13,000 claims made only 72 were found to be eligible for compensation and only six had to be paid. This means that the vaccination program had a 99.99999% success rate."

Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky) called Fauci's calculations "ridiculous. By his reasoning, if the CICP simply dismissed all claims the program would have had a 100% so-called success rate. Clearly it did not. Recent studies have shown that recipients of the vaccines were just as likely to catch Covid, more likely to be hospitalized for Covid, and more likely to die from it than those weren't vaccinated. From a scientific perspective, the program was not a success. Denying the small minority who were injured by the experimental vaccines compensation is simply unjust."

UN Committee Wants Changes to US Constitution

In a "social forum" presided over by Iran's ambassador to the UN Ali Bahreini, the Committee on Human Rights called for some drastic changes to the US Constitution. "An examination of this document reveals that it bars the government from infringing on freedom of speech," Bahreini complained. "This means any fool can commit blasphemy or insult the government without fear of punishment. This affront to piety and obedience is compounded by a provision allowing people to keep and bear arms. How can the government effectively rule when those they need to chastise have the means to resist?"

Farideh Karimi, an Iranian woman who is president of the Women's Human Rights International Association, condemned the chairmanship of Bahreini, saying "it's really an insult that he was appointed. Iran is governed by a regime that denies women basic human rights. In comparison, in the United States women have the same rights as men. Maybe their constitution's protection of freedoms is a key factor in safeguarding women's rights."

In the US, the rights guaranteed by the Constitution are also under domestic attack. In the last week, presidential candidate former South Carolina Governor and UN Ambassador Nikki Haley (R) vowed that "one of my first actions as president will be to require all social media users to use their own names on their posts. No anonymous speech should be allowed. It's a matter of national security."

Rival presidential candidate Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-Fla) called Haley's plan "dangerous and unconstitutional. Anonymous speech played a big role in organizing and sustaining America's fight for independence from England in 1776. During the pandemic and the 2022 election campaign, Biden's FBI goons coerced social media companies to censor free speech on their sites. And just this week, Biden's FCC announced it will strictly govern the Internet. Suppression of free speech is what China does. We should not be emulating their tyranny."

In addition, US District Judge John Kane ruled that "the Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms does not include the right to acquire firearms. States may, if they choose, outlaw the purchase or transfer of firearms from one owner to another. Neither does the it prevent local law-enforcement authorities from barring firearms possession at specific locations as a means of protecting the public safety like the Earps did in Tombstone, Arizona in 1879."

Army Willing to Reinstate Vaccine Refusers

Two years ago Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin decreed that all military personnel must get one of the experimental Covid vaccines or be discharged from the armed forces. Lawmakers were assured that "the discharge of disobedient service members will have no operational impacts across the force for readiness." Now, the Army has sent letters to those they kicked out informing them that since the pandemic has been canceled they may apply to come back. These letters made no apology for kicking these men and women out, but did offer those who received a less than honorable discharge an opportunity to request that this black mark be expunged from their service record.

An unanticipated consequence the insistence on administering an ineffective and unsafe vaccine was the negative impact it would have on future recruitment. The Army is now 25% below its recruitment goal for maintaining full strength. Austin said "it pains me to be forced to reach out to former soldiers who refused to follow my orders, but the alternative is an undermanned force because too many individuals in the prime recruitment age group are too fat, too ignorant, and too lazy to make good soldiers. Bringing back the fitter and more experienced veterans we've lost is the lesser of evils."

In related news, for the sixth consecutive year the Pentagon failed an independent audit of its accounting systems. Mike McCord, the Defense Department's chief financial officer said "we're striving for a clean audit where every asset can be identified and located, but it looks like it will be years before we reach that goal. While it is embarrassing to be unable to account for every dollar we've spent, Congress has been very understanding. No one has been fired and they have continued to generously approve almost all of the funding we have requested over the last six years."