IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: November 12, 2023 Edition

"Trump Will End Our Democracy"

This week, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton went on ABC's "The View" to warn that "if Trump wins the 2024 presidential election he will end our democracy. He will censor freedom of speech and try to put his political opponents in jail."

When reminded that President Biden's administration actively censored dissenting views on the covid pandemic and is currently trying to put former President Trump in jail, Clinton insisted that "these actions are necessary to defend our democracy from its most dangerous enemy. Freedom of speech doesn't give people the right to criticize the government's efforts to protect the health of the community. Nor does it give defeated candidates free rein to undermine the unity necessary for effective government control of the population."

The View's co-host Joy Behar suggested that "rather than risk allowing the chief enemy of our democracy to be elected we should lock him up now." The studio audience applauded this suggestion, but the cooler-headed Clinton advised patience, saying "the process for getting Trump behind bars is underway. He is facing trial in Florida for mishandling classified documents, in Georgia for trying to overturn the award of its 2020 electoral votes to President Biden, in Washington DC for inciting the January 6, 2021 insurrection, and in New York for fraudulently exaggerating the value of his properties to obtain loans. The odds that he will still be a free man in November of 2024 are rapidly dwindling."

In response, Trump observed that "when I won the 2016 election Hillary claimed that I stole it from her. She also mishandled classified information--including destroying emails and devices that had been subpoenaed. Afterward, she continued to malign me and work to undermine my efforts to govern. Yet at no time did I attempt to censor any media or prosecute her or any of my many other critics in the Democrat Party. It is Biden and the Democrats who are abusing their authority to stifle the freedom of the American people."

In related news, Biden touted Democrat victories in the recently completed off-year elections as "evidence that voters have sided with me and want the policies I have put in place to continue." Press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre echoed her boss, saying "In Kentucky, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and Virginia, voters once again sided with President Biden's agenda. This bodes well for his reelection to a second term next year."

Trump Testifies in New York Trial

Former President Donald Trump and Manhattan Supreme Court Judge Arthur Engoron offered differing opinions on why this so-called fraud trial is taking place. Trump asserted that "all my loans we paid back in full. No lender lost any money. Why is this trial being held?" Engoron rebutted Trump, saying "because you're just a bad guy."

Trump's attempt to read a brief disclaimer document advising lenders to make their own assessment of the value of the property being used as collateral to secure the loans being sought was rebuffed by Engoron. "In my many years of dealing with lenders it has always been clearly understood that their decision on whether make a loan should be based on their own assessment of the value of the property for which they were lending me the money," Trump said. "No one was defrauded."

New York Attorney General Letitia James pointed out that "we got some estimates on the value of these properties that were considerably lower than the amounts that were loaned to the Trump organization. In my opinion, these discrepancies prove fraud. I reject the argument that putting a value on a property that is not up for sale is subject to a wide variance of opinion."

Trump attorney Alina Habba called James' rejection of the variances in value estimates common in the real estate business "out of touch with reality. What should be decisive in proving this case is the fact that none of the lenders filed any complaints. And why should they. They all received payment-in-full--both principal and interest. There are no damages for which my client can be held liable. The demand that Trump should pay the state $250 million is extortion, pure and simple."

"The thing that Trump and his lawyers are forgetting is that there is no jury for this trial," Engoron pointed out. "I will be the sole judge of the facts and will make the determination on the extent of liability that will be assessed against the defendant."

Rep. Elise Stefanik (R-NY) called for Judge Engoron to recuse himself. "By announcing that Trump is 'just a bad guy that Attorney General Letitia James should go after' the judge has exhibited disqualifying bias. He has imposed a 'gag order' on Trump and Trump's lawyers, but feels free to publicly disparage them. He has destroyed the illusion that Trump can get a fair trial from these rabid Democrat partisans."

In other legal news, the Department of Justice allowed Charles Littlejohn, the IRS official who illegally released the tax filings of Trump and thousands of other taxpayers, to plead guilty to one count of unauthorized disclosure of tax information. Rep. Jason Smith (R-Mo) called Littlejohn's crime "the largest breach of confidential tax information in American history." Attorney General Merrick Garland explained that "the fact that one of the taxpayers exposed was Donald Trump must offset what would otherwise have warranted a severe punishment. Trump is the most dangerous man in America. Any action that might help bring him down merits our thanks. Littlejohn is a hero of our democracy who deserves a light sentence."

Court Blocks Removal of Trump from Primary Ballot

The Minnesota Supreme Court rebuffed an attempt to block Donald Trump's name from appearing on the state's primary ballot. Chief Justice Natalie Hudson wrote "that while it is correct that a person guilty of participating in an insurrection against the government may be barred by the Constitution's fourteenth amendment from ever holding public office, there is no prohibition against a Party nominating a candidate who is ineligible to hold office. The proper time for addressing this issue would be after the ineligible person has won the election."

Ron Fein, legal director of Free Speech For People who represents the anti-Trump challengers, expressed disappointment with the ruling, saying "it would be more prudent to dispose of this issue earlier rather than later. Waiting until after an ineligible person has the votes needed to win the election is asking for trouble. If we thought we had problems with a losing candidate questioning the election in 2020, imagine how much worse it could be trying to bar an election winner from seizing power."

Israel Pressured to Pause Fight Against Hamas

Senate Intelligence Committee Chairman Sen. Mark Warner (D-Va) has called for Israel "to pause its attacks on Hamas. Too many civilians are being killed. This violates the tenets of armed conflict. World opinion is turning against Israel. Here in America there are daily protests against Israel's actions. There is even a risk that Muslims may not vote Democrat unless we can get Israel to simmer down."

Former President Trump disagreed with Warner's take. "The Hamas attack was fueled by Biden freeing up funds for Iran," he said. "With an injection of $6 billion they felt confident they could fund attacks on Jews and get away with it. Despite targeting unarmed civilians, raping women, beheading babies, killing 1400 people and taking more than 200 hostages Hamas and its sympathizers are demanding a ceasefire. They don't deserve one. The civilians caught in the crossfire are purposely put there by Hamas a 'human shields.' The pause that people are asking for will only allow Hamas to rearm, replenish their supply of human shields, and increase casualties. Sometimes you have to let things play out and you have to see where it ends."

Citing the passion and persuasiveness of the widespread anti-Semitic demonstrations sweeping across America, former President Barack Obama blamed Hamas' October 7 attack on "Israel's occupation of Palestinian lands. Until the post-WWII insertion of millions of European Jews into Palestine people of all faiths lived there in peace and harmony. Just because Hamas doesn't want peaceful coexistence with Jews shouldn't mean we stop trying to achieve it. Right now Israel has the opportunity to be the first combatant to choose peace. A humanitarian ceasefire initiated by Israel would be a meaningful first step."

Despite polls showing that 75% of Gazans support Hamas' attacks on Israeli civilians, US Secretary of State Antony Blinken is calling for a united Gaza and West Bank country, alleging that "it would serve as a check on Israel's aggression against the Palestinians. With enemies surrounding them on all sides Israel will have to yield to our demands for a two-state solution."

Most of the two million Arab citizens of Israel are opposed to the so-called two-state idea. Yoseph Haddad, one of their spokesmen, said "Israel offers stability, prosperity, and democracy. The 'liberation' of Palestine from Israel will bring chaos, poverty, and tyranny. There are already enough Muslim countries in the region that provide these ills for their inhabitants. We reject Blinken's recommendation."

In related news, it has been discovered that Israel has been handing out some of the rifles it has bought from the US to civilians so they can better protect themselves from armed terrorist attacks. The Biden Administration is demanding that the government of Israel retrieve these weapons. Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre explained that "the President doesn't want to undermine Israel's strict gun-control laws. Allowing anyone other than military and law-enforcement personnel to carry firearms only increases to rate of shootings of innocent people. The cycle of violence must be stopped over there so we can bolster the case for stopping it here."

Feds Worked to Suppress Free Speech

A just released House Judiciary Committee report reveals that the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) collaborated with Stanford University's Election Integrity Partnership (EIP) and big tech companies to censor true information, jokes, and political opinions posted by Republicans and conservatives. These posts were labeled as "misinformation" while false information posted by Democrats and liberals was untouched by the censors.

House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jim Jordan (R-Ohio) said "the DHS admitted they could not legally interfere with free speech and enlisted Stanford's EIP to do the dirty work. This dirty work included mentioning that tech companies that did not cooperate with the censorship scheme could be referred to law-enforcement or intelligence agencies for possible punitive consequences."

"The irony and tragedy of this lurch into censorship was that it took place while Trump was president--not at the direction or for the benefit of Trump, but to work against his reelection. These were unfaithful employees of the executive branch--deep state opponents of Trump and free elections who were willing to break the law to censor anything favorable toward the President and promote anything that was unfavorable. They used public funds--taxpayers' money--to thwart the will of the voters."

Ukraine Elections Canceled

The proclaimed rationale for President Biden's pledge of unlimited funding for Ukraine's war against Russia is to "defend democracy."

This week, Ukraine's President Volodymyr Zelensky announced that "now is not the time for elections. Now is the time for a battle on which the fate of the state depends."

Meanwhile, Russian President Vladimir Putin also used the current war as a reason to postpone scheduled elections.

It seems that neither side believes that elections are an essential feature of democracy. So, why is it necessary for the United States to continue to finance one side of this war?

Plan to Empty Gaza

Over 100 Democrats are urging President Biden to allow every Palestinian in Gaza to come to the United States. Senate Judiciary Chair Dick Durbin (D-Ill) pointed out that "Scotland has offered to take in a million refugees from Gaza. If we were to do the same there would be no more innocent civilians in the war zone. Hamas would lose almost all of their human shields. We would gain hundreds of thousands of new Democrat voters. It would be a win-win solution to the conflict."

Unsurprisingly, Canada's Prime Minister Justin Trudeau also offered "to take in as many Gazans as we can get. We are a sparsely populated nation. Our birthrates are declining. Euthanasia now claims the lives of 4% of Canadians each year. By admitting a million lusty Muslims from the overcrowded Gaza strip we can reverse our population decline. There are only two million people currently living in Gaza. So, between the United States and Canada we can essentially empty Gaza of humans and restore the land to its natural condition."