IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

More About: Humor

SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: May 28, 2023 Edition

Foreign Government Meddling

Arguing that "blood is thicker than water," China's Ambassador to the United States Xie Feng called upon "fellow compatriots and Chinese students to serve the motherland. Your support, involvement and contribution would be most valuable. A China marching toward modernity is a boon to the Chinese people and to countries across the world."

After years of repression of dissenters, enslavement of minorities, and theft of intellectual property rights, only 15% of Americans hold a favorable view of the Chinese nation. The Ambassador called this unfavorable view "myopic and ill-informed. The American government has also been quite active in repressing dissent over the last few years--censoring deviant opinions and putting its dangerous opponents in prison. As for minorities, the American government is being tasked with paying reparations for enslaving Blacks. Finally, the accusation of theft is a slander. We have already paid Hunter Biden for access to this intellectual property."

China isn't the only foreign government urging its compatriots and ethnic kin to assist the home country. Mexico's President Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador is telling Hispanics living in the US to "vote against the Republicans--even those with Hispanic names like DeSantis and Cruz. Biden is the one who is aiding our reconquista of Norte Mexico. His policies have enabled us to send seven million more of our people into the United States where they are now positioned to vote to continue those policies."

Net-Zero Emissions Yields Toxic Byproducts

The effort to mandate an all-electric vehicle (EV) fleet is founded on the idea that eliminating tailpipe emissions of CO2 will be beneficial to the environment. The fact that most of the electricity needed to charge EVs is generated by burning fossil fuels has been largely ignored. A lesser known toxic consequence is the increased wear-and-tear on vehicle tires due to the heavier weight of EVs.

Nearly 2,000 times more particle pollution is produced by tire wear than tailpipe emissions. According to the Goodyear tire manufacturer, EVs run through tires 50% faster than gasoline-powered cars. Tires contain some highly toxic and carcinogenic chemicals such as naphthalene, toluene, and isoprene, as well as heavy metals like zinc and lead.

Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg asserted that "a relatively easy fix for avoiding these toxins would be for drivers, passengers, pedestrians, cyclists, and people living or working near roadways to conscientiously don gas masks whenever they go out, or better still, to avoid any unnecessary outdoor excursions."

Further bad news regarding EVs came from Michigan's Ann Arbor Public School District. Apparently, the Biden Administration's billion dollar program to buy electric school buses has run into performance problems. The District's environmental sustainability director, Emile Lauzzana, complained that "though they are five times more expensive than regular buses the EVs have a lot of downtime, performance issues and are frequently out-of-service."

Buttigieg dismissed Lauzzana's complaint, saying "this is either an education matter that he should take up with Secretary Cardona or an energy issue that he should address to Secretary Granholm. My job is to preside over the total transportation system. This doesn't leave me any time for dealing with an idiosyncratic problem confined to a tiny sector of the whole."

Tax $ Used to Smear GOP as Terrorists

Biden's Targeted Violence and Terrorism Prevention Grant Program has spent $40 million to smear Republicans, conservatives, and Christians as "domestic terrorists." The money was spent in the form of grants given to various public, private, and non-profit institutions — such as universities and county governments — "to establish or enhance capabilities to prevent targeted violence and terrorism."

Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio), Chairman of the House Select Subcommittee on the Weaponization of the Federal Government objected to "this outrageous abuse of government power. Instead of focusing on the actual terrorists who are scheming to murder innocent people, Biden's people are targeting innocent people who simply disagree with the ruinous policies of his Administration."

Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas asserted "I categorically reject Rep Jordan's accusation. The President has clearly designated the Republican Party as an enemy of our democracy. They are every bit as dangerous as history's most infamous enemy of democracy Adolf Hitler and his Nazi Party. Rather than allow voters to elect these enemies we must nip the threat in the bud by using whatever means are necessary. These grants are to organizations that are helping to educate Americans about the sinister machinations that Jordan and his ilk are planning on employing to bring fascism to this country."

FBI Director Christopher Wray used Mayorkas' concerns to justify his agency's refusal to cooperate with the House investigation of "our heroic efforts to neutralize Republican infiltration of our government. Using the flimsy excuse that the President may have taken a bribe in exchange for influencing policy in a direction favorable to a foreign government, Republicans are attempting to turn voters against him and his crusade to preserve democracy. While not as flashy as flying a plane into a skyscraper, this tactic is a far more serious danger. I am proud of the loyal agents who are with me in resistance to the GOP bid for tyranny."

In related news, the 160 retired generals and admirals who signed a letter calling on Congress to remove so-called diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) programs from the Department of Defense have been added to the terrorist watch list. Mayorkas explained "DEI is a core value of our democracy. Anyone who opposes this represents a threat to our country. We will be exploring whether there are sanctions that can be taken against these people. I personally cannot see why taxpayers ought to continue funding the pensions of these men. Perhaps the President can be persuaded to cancel these payments just like he canceled student loan debt."

Immigrants Make Guv Look Bad

In order to persuade suburbs to take on a bigger share of the flood of illegal migrants in New York, Gov Kathy Hochul (D) characterized the invaders as "hopeful immigrants seeking work."

Unfortunately, the 5,000 immigrants being housed in the Row New York City Hotel show no sign of being interested in work of any kind. Site Administrator Carlos Arrellano said that "when the immigrants arrive they are given rooms that previously rented for $500 a night, free benefits, like Uber services, healthcare, car seats and cribs for children, laundry services, housekeeping, metro cards for the subway, and three meals a day."

"Yet, they have trashed the hotel," Arrellano added. "They take showers without using the shower curtains and are causing major water damage to carpets and furniture. They start cooking fires in their rooms. Adults and children wander the corridors and neighborhood drunk or high. They sell their metro cards for cash to buy drugs. Some of them carry guns even though guns are strictly illegal in this city."

Hochul blamed the unruly behavior of the immigrants on "the incompetence of the mayor and the widely acknowledged evils of urban life" and inanely suggested that "the fresher air of the suburbs would be a better fit for these aspiring farm workers"--a suggestion that Mayor Eric Adams (D) strongly disagreed with. A potential compromise being discussed between them is to house immigrants in aircraft hangars at JFK Airport because they both agree that "people need shelter more than airplanes do."

In other immigrant news, parents of children attending Chicago area schools are up-in-arms over the admission of unvaccinated immigrant children when locally born and raised children had to show proof of vaccination to be allowed in the school. Mayor Brandon Johnson argued that "it would be unfair to require non-citizens to be vaccinated since their parents had no right to vote. Like the first American patriots, I firmly believe in no vaccination without representation."

Biden to Give Pelosi Medal of Freedom

At a speech before the pro-abortion Emily's List, President Joe Biden announced he would award the Medal of Freedom to Rep. Nancy Pelosi "for her pivotal role in assisting President Roosevelt rescue the economy in the Great Depression." What's even more amazing is that Pelosi was born in 1940 and was only five years old when Roosevelt died.

This latest Biden Gaffe inspired former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to point out that "he's 80 years old. His age is an issue, and people have every right to consider it when considering whether to reelect him. Polls show that only 22% of Democrats are excited about his candidacy. So, I wouldn't blame voters for looking for a younger person to rule the country. I, for example, am only 75 and am not demented."

In related news, a CNN sponsored poll found that 33% saw the prospect of a second term for Biden as "a step forward for the country," while two-thirds saw it as "a setback or disaster." An ebullient President Biden was ecstatic, saying "33 is fifty times the size of two-thirds. This tide will sweep me into an even more successful second term."

Study Shows Covid Vaccines Harm Young People

A study in the Journal of the American Medical Association shows that persons aged 12 to 17 face a heightened risk of myocarditis, a potentially fatal form of heart inflammation, and a related condition called pericarditis following injection of the Covid vaccine. The frequency with which these ailments occurred should have triggered a warning for persons in this age group to avoid getting the "jab." Instead, many schools required students get these vaccinations in order to be allowed to attend class.

Dr. Peter McCullough, who was frequently censored and mocked for questioning the widespread mania to force these inadequately tested vaccines on everyone, said "there have been more than 200 papers in the peer-reviewed literature and over 100 fatal documented cases largely among young men, peak ages 18 – 24 years, some with autopsy proven COVID-19 vaccine heart inflammation resulting in death. The official narrative claiming that these injections were safe and effective has been proven false. The President never should have tried to mandate them. They should be stopped."

Presidential Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre shrugged off McCullough's concerns, saying "those who were going to die from bad reactions to the vaccine were a tiny fraction of those injected and have likely already died. Both President Biden and former President Trump both believe that tens of millions of lives were saved by the vaccines. Given this bipartisan vote of confidence from two of the most important men in America it would be foolish of people to reject recommendations for annual boosters of this miracle medical intervention."

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