IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: May 21, 2023 Edition

"Mitigating Circumstances" Result in Plea Deal

On September 18, 2022, 42-year-old left-wing radical Shannon Brandt intentionally drove his SUV over and killed 18-year-old Cayler Ellingson. Brandt told arresting officers that he did it "because that kid was a dangerous right-wing extremist."

While the facts of the case and the admission of the perpetrator clearly show the type of premeditation warranting a charge of first degree murder and a life sentence in prison, prosecutor Kara Brinster of the Foster County, North Dakota State's Attorney's office negotiated the charge down to manslaughter "because there were mitigating circumstances in this case."

"Brandt's lawyer made a strong case for a plea of 'self-defense,'" Brinster said. "Ellington was a Trump supporter. As President Biden has pointed out on numerous occasions Trump is an enemy of our democracy. As a member of this anti-democratic movement Ellington represented a clear and present danger. Brandt could've just let his victim walk away, but he went the extra mile to chase him down and run him over. In his mind, he was taking independent action to support our democratic way of life."

"Should a person who many might consider worthy of being awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom be branded a murderer and locked up for life?" Brinster asked. "So, his lawyer and I settled on a compromise that would include a maximum 10-year sentence with time off for good behavior while he's in prison."

Girls' Sports Cannot Exclude Boys

In testimony at a House Education Committee hearing, Secretary of Education Miguel Cardona defended the Biden Administration's plan to modify Title IX rules that would bar federal aid to schools that exclude biological males from participating in girls' sports.

"Our goal is to make all students feel welcome," Cardona said. "We don't think it's fair that a person born with a penis should be barred from being on the girls' teams for a birth defect over which that person had no control."

Rep. Jim Banks (R-IN) pointed out that "biological males have some physical traits that would give them an advantage in sports over girls. At the high school and college levels males are on average bigger, stronger, and faster than the females. How is it fair to insist that males who choose to compete on the girls' teams must be allowed to in order to receive federal aid for school lunches?"

"Well, it is our money," Cardona asserted. "Schools that want a piece of it need to play by our rules. Rather than defend out-dated social conventions regarding sexuality we need to adapt to the reality that there is no sharp line dividing male and female. Nearly half of today's teenagers describe their sexuality as 'fluid.' Going with the flow makes more sense than fighting the current."

Dems Smear FBI Whistleblowers

FBI whistleblowers testifying before the House Select Subcommittee on the Weaponization of the Federal Government were subjected to assorted smears from Democrats on the committee for not keeping quiet about the misdeeds of the Agency.

Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (D-Fla) argued that "these individuals aren't whistleblowers. If they were, why did the FBI revoke their security clearances?"

Del. Stacey Plaskett (D-VI), the ranking member of the subcommittee, wanted to know "since when does ratting out your superior officers make you a hero? These men took a loyalty oath to those leaders. Breaking that oath makes them a threat to national security."

The three witnesses calling attention to FBI abuses and coverups are Marcus Allen, Garret O'Boyle, and Steve Friend all followed the required whistleblower protocols within the FBI. Yet, O'Boyle was transferred, moved his family across the country, and was suspended without pay on his first day at his new job. Allen, who was the 2019 Employee of the Year for the Charlotte Field Office, has been suspended without pay since January of 2022. Filing a grievance following the Agency's retaliation against them is their right under the law.

Rep. Gerald Connolly (D-Va) asserted that "filing grievances validates our contention that these men are malcontents and undermines their credibility. Insisting on exercising your legal rights against the wishes of your superiors shows they can't be trusted to put national security ahead of their own selfish interests."

Chairman of the Subcommittee Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio) pointed out that "whistleblower protections were created for the express purpose of preventing government agencies from intimidating ethical employees from reporting corruption. Our Democrat colleagues on this subcommittee now want to join in on the intimidation by slandering the reputation of these courageous Americans."

In related news, a whistleblower working on the investigation of Hunter Biden for tax evasion has been removed from the case for alleging improper political pressure to cover up crimes committed. IRS Commissioner Daniel Werfel asserted that "unity of purpose is essential to the successful completion of our mission. Individuals who impede this unity risk muddying the waters. We are grateful for the reminder from the White House that removing any dissident voices would produce a more congenial outcome."

Incident Shows Guns Unnecessary

In Alpena Township, Michigan, 13-year-old Owen Burns thwarted the attempted kidnapping of his 8-year-old sister by using a slingshot to scare off the 17-year-old assailant. After being hit in the head and chest with pellets launched from the slingshot the would-be kidnapper ran away.

Presidential Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre cited this incident as "proof that the President's plan to outlaw AR-15 type rifles would not leave potential victims without recourse if they are attacked by criminals. If a teenage boy can do the job with just a slingshot there's no telling what a fully grown adult could do."

"As this example shows, non-lethal armament prevented a very serious crime from being carried out," she said. "Unlike situations where firearms are used for defense no one was killed. The right-wing claim that guns are necessary is debunked. As long as slingshots are freely available for purchase the Second Amendment right to bear arms can be preserved after private ownership of guns is banned."

Reactions to Durham Report Findings

This week, the four year investigation overseen by Special Counsel John Durham was published. It revealed that the Democrat claim that Trump colluded with Russia to win the 2016 presidential election was a fabrication concocted by the Clinton campaign to discredit Trump and carry her to the White House. The FBI knew the collusion claim was false, yet improperly spent public resources to promulgate this hoax, spy on Trump, and persecute his supporters. The media also knew the collusion allegation to be false, but still spent years pushing this lie because they hated Trump and the policies he advocated for governing the country.

Former FBI agent Peter Strzok, one of the villains in the Durham Report, gloated that "Trump's people--Manafort, Stone, Papadopoulouos--all went to jail. I got a book deal. Comey got a book deal. The Washington Post and the New York Times got Pulitzer prizes. Durham didn't call for any of us so-called 'bad guys' to be indicted because he knows the Biden DOJ would never prosecute the patriots that worked against Trump. We we unsuccessful in the effort to prevent his election, but we still managed to neuter his Administration."

Sally Buzbee, editor of the Washington Post, dismissed Texas Sen. Ted Cruz's demand that it's Pulitzer prize be returned, calling it "a frail cry for justice that has no hope of ever being delivered. We are the elite. He is an outcast. We decide what is true and what is false. We have the connections and the power to make our view the reigning orthodoxy and condemn those who dispute what we say purveyors of misinformation."

Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif), who repeatedly claimed to have evidence of Trump's collusion with Russia mocked Durham's inability to find it, saying "it didn't take me four years to verify dirt on Trump. All it took was a single phone call from Andriy Parubiy, speaker of the Ukrainian Parliament, informing me that the Russian government had naked pictures of Trump that they would use to blackmail him into committing treason. This convinced me that we needed to do everything we could--legal and illegal--to undermine Trump's presidency."