SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
John SemmensMore About: Humor
SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: March 26, 2023 Edition
Dems Give Advice on Crime
Convinced that the people who commit crimes are the real victims, Democrats in the nation's biggest cities are urging everyone else to get used to living with criminals.
In San Francisco, John Hamasaki, former San Francisco police commissioner and unsuccessful Democratic Party-endorsed progressive candidate for the City's district attorney job, chastised a man for complaining about thieves who smashed his car window and stole a laptop computer and passport, saying "I wonder if living in the suburbs has softened him so much that he can no longer enjoy the authentic urban experience of being robbed?"
In Los Angeles, the rail transit system has lost most of its working commuter riders due to their aversion to the rampant drug use taking place on the trains. Though possession and use of fentanyl is illegal, Mayor Karen Bass is "not sure enforcing the law is the answer. Drug use is a personal choice that others should just get used to seeing whenever they're in the city."
In New York, Gov. Kathy Hochul (D) contends that "so-called rising crime in our state is a myth concocted by Republicans for political advantage. I travel around a lot. I've never seen a crime in progress and I seriously doubt that many others have seen one either. In the exceedingly rare instance any person is confronted by a criminal, the best course of action is to do whatever your assailant asks you to do. By no means should you arm yourself or attempt to resist as this may lead to being murdered in addition to being raped or robbed."
Montana "Fight Back" Bill Opposed
Rep. Jedediah Hinkle (R-Belgrade}sponsored House Bill 450 and it passed by a 69-27 vote. It now moves on to the State Senate. The bill would allow students assaulted by bullies to fight back. Hinkle said "the schools' 'zero tolerance' approach to violence enables bullying because it punishes both the aggressor and victim equally. Good students who don't want to get suspended dare not defend themselves. It is unjust."
Rob Watson, spokesman for the School Administrators in Montana opposes HB450, contending that "it only intensifies the violence. Instead of just one person getting hurt it can double or triple the harm, or worse, depending on how many assailants join in on the beating. At least with zero-tolerance the injuries, one-sided though they may be, are more limited. Let's not forget that bullies are people too. How can we enact a law that would expose them to the retaliatory rage of a rightfully angry victim?"
Sarah Piper, spokeswoman for the Montana Federation of Public Employees agreed with Watson, adding "I think it is better to encourage students to use words rather than fists to shame bullies into better behavior. Isn't that what 'turning the other cheek' is meant to accomplish? Students are not qualified to determine what's fair. That's the school's job. This bill would impede school professionals from utilizing their superior expertise."
Hinkle characterized these objections as "weak. The incidence of bullying has risen in tandem with schools' zero tolerance policies. In an ideal world everyone would respect the right of others not to be assaulted. In the real world there are some who don't respect others and enjoy terrorizing and hurting them. Victims have the right to defend themselves and should not be punished for doing so."
LA Police Chief Blunders
The Los Angeles Police Protective League (LAPPL) filed a complaint against LAPD Chief Michel Moore for giving photos, names and other personal information on the City's police officers to an "abolish the police" group called the Stop LAPD Spying Coalition, which posted this data on their web site along with the boast that "we have now #published over 9000 names and head-shots of numerous regular and undercover LAPD officers. Let the games begin!!"
Robert Rico, general counsel for the LAPPL said "this site puts a bounty on our officers--including those working undercover. The egregious stupidity of Chief Moore defies belief. It is life-threatening damage that cannot be undone. He must be held accountable."
Moore extended his "deep apologies for how officers found out about their data getting publicly posted. I can't believe that an organization with such solid progressive credentials would publish data that could be used to sic violent fanatics on the brave men and women of our police force. I want these officers to know that I fully support public funding for the plastic surgery and relocation expenses that may be needed to save their lives."
Meanwhile, in the state of Washington the legislature is on the verge of eliminating the requirement that candidates must understand English in order to qualify for the jobs of firefighter or law-enforcer. State Senator Javier Valdez (D-Seattle), primary sponsor of the measure, called the English requirement "an unnecessary impediment to the recruitment of otherwise capable candidates. If a job seeker has what it takes to pull people out of burning buildings, club, shoot, and tase suspects why do we care whether he can speak or understand English? Millions of non-English speaking people journey thousands of miles to get into our country. I think that shows the kind of extraordinary bravery and skills that we need from our police and firefighters."
Biden Judicial Nominee Lies
In hearings at the Senate Judiciary Committee, U.S. Magistrate Judge S. Kato Crews, a Biden nominee for a federal district court position, was asked by Sen. John Kennedy (R-La) "how would you analyze a Brady motion." His response was "in my four and a half years on the bench, I don't believe I've had the occasion to address a Brady motion."
Kennedy then asked "do you know what a Brady motion is?" Crews replied "it's not coming to mind at the moment." Kennedy told Crews that "it comes from the case of Brady v. Maryland." This prompted Crews to falsely assert "oh, yeah it's a Second Amendment thing."
Actually, a Brady motion is what a defense attorney files when he believes the prosecution has withheld evidence vital to his client's case. This issue is particularly pertinent since Tucker Carlson aired videos of the January 6, 2021 Capitol incursion showing that some persons charged with violent insurrection were unarmed and peacefully wandering around inside without attacking any of the Capitol Police. An attorney for Jacob Chansley--a man pressured into accepting a guilty plea that netted him a four-year prison sentence--pointed out that this video evidence of his client's obvious peaceful behavior was neither presented by the prosecutor nor shared with the defendant.
Of course, evidence of the innocence of some of the Capitol protesters isn't the only kind of evidence withheld by those prosecuting January 6 cases. Victoria White, who tried to stop two men from breaking windows, was savagely beaten by Capitol Police officers on that day after the flow of the crowd carried her inside the building. Videos of these events were also withheld by the prosecutors.
Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre defended both the ignorance and dishonesty of Crews by insisting that "given that Judge Crews had never heard of Brady during more than four years on the bench how important could a 'Brady Motion' be. Not even the President himself is held to as high of a standard of knowledge and integrity as Sen. Kennedy is trying to impose on this young Black court nominee. This kind of racism has got to stop and Kennedy needs to apologize for trying to humiliate a Black man."
Manhattan DA Treated Unfairly
Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg (D) lamented that "outside interference is denying me the right to give Trump the punishment he so richly deserves as an enemy of democracy." It seems that the grand jury assembled to consider whether the former president ought to be indicted is balking at handing Bragg the prize he covets.
On Monday, Robert Costello appeared before the grand jury and provided evidence indicating that Bragg's prime witness against Trump, Michael Cohen, may be lying. "I was set up," Bragg complained. "I thought that as a former legal advisor to Michael Cohen this Costello guy would bolster my case. Now he's got the grand jury confused about what to do. Grand juries are supposed to follow the DA's lead and issue the indictment he needs to take the case to trial."
"Look, I was elected DA on a platform of indicting Donald Trump," Bragg explained. "It is the people's will that Trump be indicted. Anything getting in the way of this is an attack on our democracy. Getting this done is essential to my political future. Without an indictment of Trump my chances of ever being elected mayor or governor may never be realized. The unfairness of it all is galling. They wouldn't do this to me if I was white."
In related news, eager to top New York City's generous $6 million payment to rioters earlier this month, Philadelphia has agreed to pay $9 million to 343 plaintiffs who allege they suffered physical and emotional injuries at the hands of police trying to stop the vandalism, looting, and arson carried out during a protest over the death of career criminal George Floyd while in the custody of police in Minneapolis on May 25, 2020. Mayor Jim Kenney called the settlement "a meager down payment for the centuries of slavery and discrimination inflicted on Blacks--criminals and innocents alike."
The biggest winner so far from 2020's George Floyd protests has been Black Lives Matter (BLM). The riots that accompanied many of the mostly peaceful protests in more than 200 cities resulted in $2 billion worth of damages due to vandalism, looting, and arson. In the wake of this, the Claremont Institute Center for the American Way of Life estimates that BLM managed to induce $83 billion in corporate donations to the organization and its causes. The consulting firm McKinsey and Company estimate was $340 billion.
Fragile EV Batteries
In addition to the disadvantages of a high purchase price, lengthy recharging times, difficulties in finding charging stations, and occasional spontaneous combustion, it now turns out that electric vehicle batteries are extremely fragile. Fender-bender collisions are resulting in damage to the vehicle's battery that cannot be repaired. Consequently, many of these vehicles are considered "totalled" for insurance purposes. Unsurprisingly, insuring EVs is becoming more costly.
The scrapping of these damaged low-mileage EVs is also undermining the promised "sustainability" performance claims for the EVs. Matthew Avery, research director at automotive risk intelligence company Thatcham Research, said "replacing gasoline powered cars with EVs was supposed to help the environment. In order to do that we need to get a lot of miles out of each EV before it is scrapped. However, if an EV battery has to be thrown away after a minor collision the anticipated environmental benefits will never be achieved."
Despite this discouraging new wrinkle in the EV plan, President Biden remains confident that "my son Hunter can find a way to lower the cost of manufacturing the batteries. He has many contacts in China with companies that have access to extremely cheap Uighur labor. If we could outsource the building of EV batteries to one of these Chinese companies we could cut labor costs to practically zero and prevent the Earth from undergoing climate change."
A potential flaw in Biden's plan is that a key factor besides using slave labor to keep manufacturing costs down is the construction of two new coal-fired power plants per week. Ji Zou, CEO & President of Energy Foundation China, says he is "unconcerned about the unfavorable pollution profile of coal-fired energy because the prevailing winds will blow the smoke away from my country and out over the Pacific Ocean."
AOC Denounces "Parents' Bill of Rights"
By a vote of 213-208, the US House of Representatives passed the Parents' Bill of Rights. Rep. Julia Letlow (R-La), sponsor of the bill, enumerated "the five pillars of my bill are (1) the right to know what's being taught in schools and to see reading material; (2) the right to be heard; (3) the right to see school budgets and spending; (4) the right to protect their child's privacy; and (5) the right to be updated on any violent activity at school."
Rep. Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (D-NY) denounced the bill, calling it "fascism of the worst sort. This is the exact same thing that Hitler did in Nazi Germany. Children need to be freed from the dictatorship of their parents so they can be hear the uplifting progressive doctrines their teachers are trying to communicate to them. The evil notions of individualism that parents try to foist on their innocent children must be replaced by the socialist ideals that President Biden and the Democratic Party are struggling to infuse into our country's youth. Parents' rights end when they decide to send their kids to public school. I urge every Democrat to vote no."
No Democrat voted for the bill. But a Wall Street Journal poll found that 78% of parents doubt that their children will be better off in the America Joe Biden envisions.