IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

More About: Humor

SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: January 29, 2023 Edition

FDA to Ease Blood Donation Restrictions

The US Food and Drug Administration says it will reduce restrictions based on sexual behavior for blood donors. Current rules bar donations from men who have sex with other men because of the risk of transmitting HIV to persons receiving blood transfusions in hospitals.

FDA Commissioner Robert Califf explained "given the fact that 80% of the potential pool of blood donors has been injected with the covid vaccine it seems pointless to be fussy about donations from the 5% of the population engaging in male-on-male anal sex. At least with HIV and potentially AIDS there is no 'died suddenly.' With the proper regimen of drugs you could live for years."

"As it is, the so-called screening we've been using is totally dependent on self-reported sexual behavior," Califf pointed out. "No objective test or measurement has been used. Getting a transfusion has inherent risks. Your safest course is not to get yourself in a predicament where you need a stranger's blood to survive."

Treasury Stonewalls House Oversight Committee

Chairman of the House Oversight and Accountability Committee James Comer's (R-Ken) request for any suspicious activity reports the Treasury Department might have on Hunter Biden's financial transactions was rebuffed by Treasury's Legislative Affairs chief, Jonathan Davidson.

"While it is true that our Department provided the confidential tax returns of former President Trump to Congress, the circumstances are in no way similar," Davidson said. "Trump represents an existential threat to our democracy. It is essential that every measure be taken to neutralize this threat. Hunter Biden is a private citizen and the son of President Biden--this nation's foremost defender of democracy. A House investigation of the Bidens' financial activities will only exacerbate the threat to our democracy. We will not aid and abet it."

Comer pointed out that "when he was vice-president Joe Biden publicly boasted of using his office to benefit one of his son's financial deals. Hunter's laptop contains several emails indicating Joe Biden's direct involvement in his son's financial deals with foreign firms and governments. The American people deserve to know whether any of these deals compromise the nation's security or represent abuse of public trust."

Zelensky Rejects Peace Talks

Former US President Donald Trump's call for "ending the crazy Ukraine-Russia war before it leads to nukes" drew scoffs from Ukraine's President Volodymyr Zelensky. "Why should I negotiate with a nobody like Putin? I am Time Magazine's 'Man-of-the-Year.' His threat to use nukes is just a bluff."

Zelensky went on to mock "Trump is just a sissy worrying that his hotels in Washington and Moscow will be destroyed by nuclear missiles. We are not afraid. President Biden has said he will do whatever it takes for us to win this war. He has previously sent $100 billion in aid and has just approved the shipment of 31 Abrams tanks--the ones named after Stacey Abrams, the candidate who can never be defeated. With these tanks we will win this war." A potential postponement of Ukraine's victory celebration may be in store. The Pentagon says there aren't 31 of these tanks currently available for shipment and it could take as long as a year to get them all to Ukraine.

Trump marveled "at how Biden has become mesmerized by Zelensky's showmanship. There are no 'white hats' in this conflict. Ukraine is a corrupt dictatorship that censors and outlaws political opposition. We should not be 'doing whatever it takes' to continue a war that has dangerously depleted weapons that may be needed to defend America. No American interest or world interest is served by continuing this war. We need to get both sides to cease fire and negotiate a settlement. I offer my services as a mediator."

Sen. Mitt Romney (R-Utah) sided with Zelensky and President Biden and condemned "Trump's interference in affairs of state," calling it "a treasonous violation of the Logan Act. The world will have more prosperity if there is peace. Arming Ukraine so they can go on fighting shows that we care about human life. I'm with President Biden on this. It is the duty of every freedom loving person to ensure that Ukraine wins this war."

Pfizer to Sue Walker

Citing his "unauthorized disclosure of proprietary information," Pfizer attorney Isu Yakuza announced a $50 billion lawsuit against Jordon Walker, former Director of Research and Development, Strategic Operations - mRNA Scientific Planner at Pfizer.

"The monetary damage that Pfizer will suffer from Mr. Walker's chat with the notorious undercover journalist James O'Keefe of Project Veritas is immense," Yakuza said. "Walker was fully aware of the damage his loose talk could do when he boasted of a scheme to create a virus mutation that could be cured by a drug that our company would create and patent and calling it a 'cash cow.' Walker's defense of claiming that 'I lie all the time,' is too little, too late"

It is believed that Walker was inspired by an Alka Seltzer ad from the 1960s touting its product as a cure for the "blahs," saying "we wouldn't have invented a disease unless we had something to take for it." A key distinction between the Alka Seltzer product and the Pfizer covid vaccines and drugs is that it costs a lot less to purchase and is generally safe and effective.

Military Signing Bonuses Confiscated

Military personnel who were discharged for refusing to obey orders to get the covid vaccine have been hit with demands to pay back bonuses they received for agreeing to sign up for extended years of service.

Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin dismissed emerging evidence that the vaccines are neither safe nor effective, saying "an order is an order. Charging up a hill to take out a machine gun nest is not safe and might not be effective, but a soldier must obey the order to make the attack. At the time we discharged the anti-vaxxers no one knew the vaccines weren't safe or effective. So, they've got to pay back their signing bonuses."

Rep. Brian Mast (R-Fla) introduced the Vaccine Mandate Reenlistment Act, to permit anyone who was discharged for refusing the COVID-19 vaccine to rejoin the military at his or her rank and pay grade prior to the discharge. "While I understand the necessity of discipline in our armed forces, I also think we should recognize that the order to get this particular inadequately tested experimental drug was a mistake. Rather than ontinue to punish those who correctly perceived this mistake we need to make amends, not compound the original mistake by continuing to penalize good people."

Ignorant Judicial Nominee

A senate hearing to evaluate the suitability of Spokane Superior Court Judge Charnelle Bjelkengren, a Biden nominee for US District Judge for the Eastern District of Washington, resulted in some interesting answers.

Sen. John Kennedy (R-La) asked Judge Bjelkengren several basic questions about the Constitution's Article II (the powers of the executive branch) and Article V (the power to amend the Constitution). To both, the Judge responded "nothing comes to mind at the moment."

Considering that US judges frequently have to adjudicate issues in which the Constitution has some bearing it is disturbing that this nominee was so ill-prepared for the interview. This is especially puzzling since Sen. Kennedy has used the same line of questions while interviewing other nominees to the federal courts.

Presidential Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre declared Kennedy's questions "disrespectful and unfair. The American Bar Association already gave Judge Bjelkengren a 'qualified' rating. Do we really need to waste time on a 'pop quiz' loaded with 'gotcha' questions?"

Kennedy explained that "the Constitution gives the Senate the responsibility of advice and consent for nominees to the federal courts. Since these are 'lifetime' appointments I don't think it is unreasonable to expect judges to demonstrate some knowledge of the fundamental law of the land. I call it troubling when a nominee can't recall anything about this document."

Jean-Pierre pointed out that "Democrats have a majority in the Senate. Judge Bjelkengren will be approved regardless of how Sen. Kennedy feels about her qualifications."

In related news, Vice-President Kamala Harris omitted the word "life" in her quote from the Declaration of Independence's trilogy of "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" in a recent speech. Her Press Secretary Sabrina Singh explained that "the Vice-President's speech was about the 50th anniversary of the Roe v. Wade decision affirming a woman's right to terminate the life of her unwanted child. It would have been hypocritical for her to have included 'life' as an inalienable right in that context."

Dems Propose Unlimited Debt

With Republicans demanding spending cuts in exchange for an increase in the federal debt limit and President Biden refusing to consider negotiating a compromise, House Democrats are proposing legislation that would eliminate any limit on the debt.

Rep. Bill Foster (D-Ill) argued that "if there were sufficient popular support for limiting how much the government can borrow voters wouldn't be electing so many Democrats. Rather than periodically raising the limit, I say we simply allow the government to borrow and spend as much as it wants to. The GOP's refusal to go along threatens the full faith and credit of the United States."

"What threatens the full faith and credit of this country is the Democrats' continued insistence on spending money we don't have," House Speaker Kevin McCarthy replied. "It took the country 225 years to accumulate the $9 trillion in debt that existed before Obama became president. Now, 15 years later this debt has more than tripled. We now pay more than $400 billion per year just paying the interest on this debt. We must constrain spending if we want to avoid bankruptcy."

Foster wanted to know "what's so bad about bankruptcy? In theory, creditors can seize your assets. But what use are the federal government's assets going to be to the people who bought government bonds? Their only sensible option would be to continue to deploy the property, buildings, armaments and so forth for the same purposes as they are currently used. They'll just be different hands. Most people won't know the difference."

McCarthy suggested that "there might be some profound differences. A lot of the federal debt is owned by foreign governments. China has a particularly large portfolio of US government bonds. Maybe these new bosses won't be the same as the old bosses."

In related news, the Congressional Budget Office has just reported that the Trump tax cuts of 2017 led to a growth boom that actually increased federal tax revenues by $1.5 trillion over the past five years. So, contrary to Democrats' claims, those tax cuts are not the cause of the soaring federal deficits and debt.

Mayor Blames Cash for Crime Surge

In her desperation to win reelection, Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot has rebuffed accusations that her incompetence is responsible for the City's surging crime rates. She blames cash as the culprit.

"If people didn't carry cash with them there would be nothing that robbers could take from them," the Mayor asserted. "The safest society would be one where there is no cash. The best way to achieve this is for everyone's needs to be directly supplied by the government. If the government gives you a bed in a barracks a thief wouldn't need to steal that. If the government feeds you at a mess hall a thief wouldn't need tosteal that. If all of your transportation needs are provided by public transit a thief wouldn't need to steal that. If the government provides the same clothing for everyone a thief wouldn't need to steal that. If all communication and entertainment come from the government no one can steal this from you."

The Mayor went on to ask voters "to select a safer future by voting to empower me to transform our society into a theft-proof egalitarian utopia."