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SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: January 22, 2023 Edition

Dems Being Treated Unfairly

Rep. Eric Swalwell (D-Calif) complains that House Speaker Kevin McCarthy's determination to keep him off the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence (HPSCI) "is so unfair."

McCarthy defended his position, pointing out that "Swalwell's long-term sexual liaison with a Chinese spy indicates that he should not be privy to the kind of sensitive national security information that the HPSCI deals with on a regular basis."

Swalwell called McCarthy's explanation "unconvincing. President Biden stored classified documents at the Penn Biden Center for Diplomacy and Global Engagement in Washington, DC. This Center was funded by Chinese Communist Party money and included sharing office space with CEFC China Energy. If I'm not fit for sitting on the HPSCI, how is Biden fit to remain president?"

Re p. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) is also targeted for removal from the HPSCI by McCarthy "for his incessant leaking and lying," the Speaker said. "Leaking is a violation of the law. And the constant lying marks him as untrustworthy. There's no way he should be on this committee."

Schiff dismissed McCarthy's standards as "naive and out-dated. The election of President Biden--perhaps the most prolific liar to ever hold the office--shows that the voters don't demand honesty from their rulers. As an elected official, McCarthy ought to abide by the wishes of the American people."

Dems & GOP Spar Over Debt

House Speaker Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif) rejected President Biden's demand for a "clean" debt ceiling hike, saying "cramming a bloated federal spending package through during the 'lame duck' session showed total disrespect for the American people's concerns about government overspending. The Republican majority in the House intends to give these concerns a fair hearing. Fending off bankruptcy should be a bipartisan effort."

Secretary of the Treasury Janet Yellen called the Republicans' focus on the national debt "naive. The federal government isn't your random seeker of borrowed money. It is the most powerful organization on the planet. It can crush any opposition--foreign or domestic. It can take whatever it needs from anyone it wants to. It can even create new money out of thin air. The debt ceiling is just an arbitrary number. A simpler solution would be to abolish the ceiling."

Senate Majority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) called McCarty's resistance "futile. The GOP may hold the majority in the House, but they can't force the Senate or the President to compromise. Sooner or later, the Republicans will have to give in. If they don't, we and the media will blame them for whatever calamities or inconveniences that result from failure to pass a clean debt ceiling increase and the voters will then punish them at the polls."

"The Democrats' insistence on no limits to federal spending has sparked the highest inflation in since the 1980s," McCarthy argued. "Taxpayers are now paying $500 billion in interest on the money borrowed because we don't have a balanced budget. This cannot go on."

Yellen asserted that "what the Republicans don't understand is that the federal government would actually come out ahead if our dollar becomes worthless. As the world's biggest debtor, a collapse of the dollar will let the US government off the hook. All the debt would be wiped out by a flood of newly created worthless dollars. The only losers would be those who foolishly hold dollar-denominated assets like cash and bonds."

Dems to Lower Firefighter Fitness Standards

Democrats in Connecticut have introduced legislation that would allow women to skip the physical ability test for becoming firefighters. Hamden Mayor Lauren Garrett said that "fewer than 15% of women are able to pass this test. Such discrimination is intolerable."

Leah DiNapoli, a retired New Haven firefighter, called the proposed law "absolutely insane. Pulling people out of burning buildings requires strength. Diminishing the standards for becoming a firefighter endangers the lives of both the general public and the weaker firefighters the lowered standards will recruit."

Garrett argued that "we're trying to balance two separate objectives here--saving lives and achieving greater equity. Since half the population is female, equity demands that half the firefighters be female. The only way we can accomplish this goal is by lowering the strength requirements for those we hire. I suppose there might be occasions where a weaker firefighter can't rescue a heavier victim, but this is a price I'm willing to pay for greater parity between the sexes among those we hire."

Meanwhile, President Biden urged that police be retrained "so as not to aim for center mass when returning fire from an armed assailant. If the suspect is killed the impact of the bail reform measures taken in various parts of the nation would be reduced. For the 'get-out-of-jail-free card' to work properly, the accused must be able to walk out of court and get back on the streets as soon as possible."

AG Explains Disparate Classified Documents Treatment

While the Department of Justice saw fit to send a platoon of armed FBI agents to seize documents from former President Trump's Mar-a-Lago residence, no such dramatic enforcement effort has been expended in the retrieval of classified documents held in various locations by President Biden.

Attorney General Merrick Garland explained that "the situations are in no way analogous. Trump was a twice-impeached enemy of our democracy. President Biden is the nation's most prominent defender of our democracy. It stands to reason that different approaches are warranted."

Among the differences between the two cases is that President Biden's private lawyers--none of whom have the requisite security clearances for viewing classified documents--were given free-rein to peruse the stashes of documents held by Biden.

Garland cited what he called "the 'Berger precedent.' In 2003 Sandy Berger, former National Security Adviser during the Clinton Administration, illegally took classified documents from the National Archives on several occasions. Normally, a theft of classified documents would result in jail time. However, given the fact that Berger was working on behalf of former President Clinton--another defender of our democracy--the incident wasn't deemed serious and he was sentenced to just 100 hours of community service and a nominal fine."

"I don't know of anyone who thinks President Biden had any nefarious intent," Garland added. "The same can't be said for Trump. He has already announced another attempt to seize control of the US government in 2024. Everything that can be done must be done to prevent him from succeeding in his planned putsch."

Hunter Laptop Lie Admitted

The October 2020 letter alleging that damaging content on Hunter Biden's abandoned laptop was Russian disinformation and was signed by former Defense Secretary Leon Panetta, former Director of National intelligence James Clapper, and former CIA Director John Brennan and others is now admitted to be a lie.

Former US intel official Douglas Wise now says "we all knew the Hunter laptop had to be real, but signed the letter claiming it wasn't because we all knew that, true or false, it was essential to prevent Trump from being reelected. As post-election polls showed, 17% of those who voted for Biden would have changed their vote if the veracity of the laptop contents had been acknowledged prior to casting their votes."

"As we saw it, the sleaze and corruption documented by the laptop were a lesser threat to the country than four more years of MAGA extremism," Wise added. "Sometimes dirty deeds have to be done to save the country from a worse fate than an incompetent president. So, like President Biden has said about himself, we don't regret a single thing we did to help him defeat Trump in 2020."

In related news, Hunter Biden has filed a lawsuit aimed at preventing the daughter born from his sexual encounter with an Arkansas stripper from using Biden as her last name. "Look, I'm doing the kid a favor," the President's son claimed. "Considering how infamous the Biden name will become after all the truth comes out, no one would want to have to admit they're related to me or the Big Guy."

Man's EV Takes Five Days to Charge

The owner of a GMC Hummer EV SUV wanted to find out how long it would take to fully charge the vehicle. So he plugged it into an ordinary home electrical outlet. The $87,000 electric vehicle took five days to reach full capacity, which is said to provide up to 329 miles of travel before needing to refill.

While a normal person might view this as a bit inconvenient, high-ranking members of the Biden Administration see a "silver lining."

Secretary of Energy Jennifer Granholm pointed out that "an overlooked advantage of the difficulty charging an electric vehicle is it encourages you to make fewer trips. This saves energy for yourself and those whose fuel consumption is diminished by not having to deal with as much traffic congestion as there would be if EVs were easier to refuel."

Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg observed that "the seeming inconvenience of charging and recharging will push more people to walk, bike, or ride public transit--all more efficient ways of traveling than driving a single-occupant personal motor vehicle."

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