IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: June 19, 2022 Edition

"Peace-Circles" to Fight Crime in Chicago

Convinced that police, prosecutors, and prisons are inhumane methods for combating crime, Chicago is trying a "peace-circle" approach. Local advocate for the idea Howard Zehr contends that "bringing victims and perpetrators face-to-face can achieve restorative justice because it allows the participants in the original so-called crime to meet again and make their apologies. This inspires a healing process that will do more to discourage future harmful interactions than simply locking up the assumed offender."

After he was caught in possession of an illegal gun, prosecutors wanted Ojani Cruz to be held in jail, but a judge let him out on his own recognizance and he was later sent to a peace-circle where his arrest record was expunged. A month later Cruz emptied his gun trying to kill a woman, but only paralyzed her for life by severing her spinal cord.

Cook County Chief Judge Timothy Evans unapologetically defended the lax treatment Cruz received, saying "people who hurt other people have generally been hurt themselves. Rather than ruining their lives by sending them to prison we need to let them be free to work out their inner demons so they can become useful members of society."

In another example, Klevontaye White was let loose with only an ankle monitor despite being charged with 15 counts of aggravated sexual assault with a firearm. He cut off his ankle monitor, initiated a shootout with police and was killed. Newsweek magazine added Mr. White to its list of black people killed by police.

Meanwhile, Chicago schools are removing police from their sites. According to a spokesman speaking off-the-record "police communicate a punitive approach to keeping order. An alternative under consideration is to designate each school as the 'turf' of the locally dominant youth gang. Free of police interference there will be less cause for violent confrontations. Since they will not be hassled while selling recreational drugs to students we won't have to pay them a salary like we did with the regular police who were here. As it was, the regular police could not be counted on to respond to violent incidents in the school. Potential Uvalde-type mass shootings will be repelled by gangs defending their turf."

In other school news, Michigan, Attorney General Dana Nessel touted "drag queen story hour for both its educational and pacifying potential. In my view drag queens make everything better. These gentle souls bring smiles to the faces of the children. Smiles turneth away wrath. The positive role models exhibited can be an inspiration for the children going forward as they decide which sex they want to be and what careers they may like to pursue later in life."

CDC Addresses Monkeypox

Pessimistic about the prospects of dissuading at-risk persons from having sex with carriers of the monkeypox virus, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) published "safe sex guidelines."

The guidelines included: "try to maintain a minimum of six feet between you and your sex partner, avoid kissing—blown kisses cannot be considered safe, so don't do that either, do not remove any clothing, conceal any pox sores on your face by wearing your covid mask and a knit cap pulled down over your forehead, wear gloves if you have sores on your hands, remember to wash off any semen or feces they may get on your hands while masturbating, and burn your clothes when done."

Tedros Adhanom, Director-General‎ of the World Health Organization (WHO) says "we are working on a new name for the disease because the current name stigmatizes having sex with monkeys. In many parts of the world, polygamy leaves many men without much of an opportunity to interact with a human female. Some of these men have turned to monkeys or other men as substitutes. They don't deserve the added humiliation implied by the term monkeypox."

"A favored option for a new name is African Covid," Adhanom said. "In addition to the pox sores, patients experience a flu-like illness. First, most of the victims of monkeypox are Africans, Second, covid is a flu-like illness. Luckily we have lots of covid vaccine doses leftover. By naming it African Covid we can make use of the leftover doses without looking too stupid for ordering so much of an ineffective medication. We can also boost the number of Africans injected up to respectable levels and mute criticisms that Africans didn't get their fair share of the vaccines."

In related news, Pfizer has discontinued its clinical trial for Paxlovid, its COVID-19 antiviral medication. CEO Albert Bourla explained, "the Trial showed that Paxlovid did not reduce symptoms, hospitalizations, or deaths among those receiving the drug. This replicates the trial results we got for the mRNA covid vaccine. Following the same procedure our next step is to seek emergency use approval. I doubt Paxlovid sales will equal the bonanza we reaped from the vaccine, but a few more billion dollars in profits is better than none."

Biden Demands More Gas

Though he has promised to end fossil fuels, President Biden now threatens to use emergency war powers to commandeer the assets of oil producers located in the US. Brushing aside the steps he's already taken to reduce the supply of energy in this country by cancelling the Keystone Pipeline and numerous new drilling leases, Biden asserted that "I'm giving oil producers one last chance to do the right thing."

ExxonMobil CEO Darren Woods pointed out that "our company has invested $118 billion on new oil and gas supplies over the past five years. We have made the necessary expenditures and would be happy to meet consumer demand. Future profits are needed to recoup these expenditures and reward the stockholders who provided the capital to make it happen. This is how the free enterprise system works."

Jeff Ramsey, Chairman of the Board for the American Fuel & Petrochemical Manufacturers (AFPM), joined with Mike Sommers, President and CEO of the American Petroleum Institute (API), to second Woods, saying "our industry is dedicated to providing affordable, reliable, and sustainable fuels and other petroleum products for Americans and our global allies, as we have done for decades, including throughout the COVID pandemic. Crude oil has no utilitarian value until it runs through a refinery and gets processed into fuels. It's not an overstatement to say that energy security requires a strong refining sector."

Biden said "the notion that there can be a free enterprise solution is insane. Meeting needs is more important than earning profits. Refusing to unselfishly meet the needs of the people is why I decided to end fossil fuels. My decision is irrevocable. The oil industry in this country is doomed. The only decent thing left for them to do is die with honor like the mortally wounded combat soldier who saves his buddies by throwing his body on top of a live grenade. If they won't make this sacrifice voluntarily I'll have no choice but to force them to do it."

Biden Climate Czar John Kerry augmented the President's position by arguing that "since only electric vehicles will be allowed after 2035, it would be senseless for us to allow anymore investment in these petroleum industries. The President's decision to use his emergency authority to put these companies out of business is a sound plan that will save the nation's scarce resources from being frivolously wasted. By switching to environmentally friendly wind and solar power our planet will be saved from climate catastrophe. As we learned from the pandemic, people can do quite well sheltering at home. In the green America we envision they can do the same on cloudy and windless days. Their needs can be met by receiving government assistance checks."

Pro-Abortion Terrorists Promise "No More Mercy"

Jane's Revenge, a terrorist group responsible for firebombing dozens of pro-life pregnancy centers, announced "the expiration of our 30 days of mercy toward these enemies of women's rights to terminate their unwanted offspring. We gave you a respite from attack so you could shutdown your false efforts to persuade women that you offer a humane alternative to abortion. That's a lie. Abortion is the only humane alternative. Bringing more children into the world only exposes them to pain. The crushing burden of unneeded lives endangers the survival of the planet. We promise to take increasingly drastic measures against the oppressive propagation of more humans."

The group vowed "a relentless and merciless campaign of murder and destruction against any person or organization that refuses to accede to our demands. These demands include the total censorship of all views—printed or oral—favoring any limits on the sacred rite of abortion, the disbanding of any pregnancy services other than abortion, and the dismantling of any women's health centers that do not prescribe abortion as the best and only sure cure for pregnancy. We encourage everyone who shares our views to yield to their urge to assault any pregnant person they see—to pummel, cut, or burn the fetus she carries—to spread fear far and wide until the pestilence known as humanity is exterminated."

President Biden blamed the US Supreme Court "for provoking the righteous wrath of these idealistic young people" and pledged to "take whatever actions are necessary to mitigate the disaster the Court's anti-abortion ruling will unleash."

Those familiar with the President's feelings on the issue predict that "he will have no alternation but to forbid states from enacting any new laws imposing any limits on the availability of abortions within their jurisdictions. Troops are likely to be sent to provide protection for every Planned Parenthood facility in every state. Agents from the FBI will be given orders to shutter every pro-life pregnancy center for their own protection. By doing these things in an orderly and legal fashion he believes he will eliminate the need for Jane's Revenge to have to use violence to achieve their goals."

In contrast, several Republicans have called for the FBI to investigate Jane's Revenge for their admitted firebombings, saying "if mothers raising questions about the curriculum at school board meetings are worthy of FBI investigation as domestic terrorists, then people who commit arson against these pro-life pregnancy centers ought to be investigated."

While the FBI issued a public statement saying it would look into the matter, Justice Department Civil rights division chief Kristen Clarke called the pro-life centers, which counsel pregnant women on alternatives to abortion, "harmful and predatory against women of color. Without the Roe v. Wade ruling in 1973 black women wouldn't have been able to so easily abort the 19 million babies they got rid of since then. The current Court's reversal of that 1973 ruling would be a crime."

Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla) was appalled by Clarke's remarks. "Setting a building on fire is a crime. Stalking Justice Kavanaugh with the intention of murdering him is a crime. Legislating from the bench, as the Supreme Court did in the Roe v. Wade decision, was a usurpation that needs to be reversed, not a crime. Clarke shows that she is manifestly unfit for the office she now holds."