IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: November 21, 2021 Edition

School Board Adviser Doxxes Parents

Norma Garcia-Lopez, co-chair of the Racial Equity Committee for the Fort Worth Independent School District in Texas, went online and posted the names, addresses and phone numbers of parents who are opposed to the district's mask mandate and Critical Race Theory curriculum. Her appended caption "Internet do your thing" signaled her intent to sic leftist fanatics on these parents.

Garcia-Lopez defended her actions, saying that "people benefiting from white privilege should not be telling the schools what to teach or how to deal with the pandemic. Kid's futures and lives are at stake. Since the court granted an injunction against the mask mandate in August it was clear to me that street action to oppose parental interference is needed."

"These parents didn't raise a fuss when the Klan was lynching black men and bombing their churches," Garcia-Lopez asserted. "Their complaints aren't based on principle. They are self-serving arguments for the continuation of white supremacy. This is why Attorney General Garland declared these types of parents to be domestic terrorists."

Kerri Rehmeyer, one of the doxxed parents, objected "to being smeared with a baseless Klan trope. None of the parents are members of the Klan. None have participated in any lynchings or bombings. This stands in stark contrast to the numerous riots that have arisen from the last years' so-called peaceful protests organized by black lives matter—where buildings were vandalized, looted, and burned."

Leftists Question Rittenhouse Verdict

MSNBC "MTP Daily" host Chuck Todd expressed dismay that Kyle Rittenhouse was acquitted in his trial for shooting three people during a riot in Kenosha last year. "I can understand how a teenager like Rittenhouse might feel endangered when a guy tried to club him with a skateboard or pointed a pistol at him," Todd admitted. "From a narrow perspective, it might be self-defense for him to shoot to save his life. But from a broader perspective, is society better off because he did? What message did the jury's verdict send?"

"If Rittenhouse had withheld his fire the worst that could've happened is that he could've been killed," Todd reasoned. "But two other people would've lived. Why didn't the jury weigh those odds? By acquitting him has the jury emboldened others to imitate his actions? Did they consider the possible public violence that may follow from those disappointed in the verdict?"

MSNBC commentator Joyce Vance wondered "whether we will be safer after this verdict? Had it gone the other way the message would have been clearer—don't attempt to take personal action to protect property and people from rioters. Rittenhouse put himself in danger by trying to do just that. I mean, if the powers that be—the mayor and the police—are content to let the looting and burning be, then so should everyone else. But I fear that such a common sense approach will not be possible if interlopers are allowed to take whatever action they please without consequence."

House Judiciary Committee Chair Rep. Jerry Nadler (D-NY) demanded that the DOJ "find some federal crime Rittenhouse can be can be charged with. The asserted archaic individual right of self-defense must yield to the progressive right of the people to collectively pursue social justice. The men Rittenhouse shot were attempting to burn down Kenosha in protest over the police shooting of Jacob Blake. At the very least, Rittenhouse is guilty of infringing their First Amendment right to air their grievances."

Rep. Ayanna Pressley (D-MA) complained that "Rittenhouse killed two people who had assembled to affirm the value, dignity, and worth of black lives by attempting to chase him down and beat the crap out of him. He should've have taken his beating like a man. Instead, he shot them and asked for mercy on the witness stand. A white supremacist jury heard his plea and let him go free. Now there will be no justice for Joseph Rosenbaum and Anthony Huber."

President Biden professed himself "angry and concerned" about the not guilty verdict while pointing out that "there are still many buildings that weren't burned down last year" and called for "more peaceful protests."

Fauci: Attacks on Me Dangerous to Science

The man who has changed his direction more often than a weather vane is concerned that "attacks on me are dangerous to the field of science. Sure, I change my mind, but that is what true scientists do when new data arise. I know there must be tests and experiments to see what works and what doesn't. However, there also needs to be a recognized expert who must be trusted to properly interpret the new data. I have been designated as that expert and it's vitally important that our strategy for dealing with covid be united behind my interpretations."

"For example, as a scientist I know that the kind of masks that are available to most people are an inadequate barrier to the virus and I said so back in March of 2020," Fauci recalled. "But I soon realized that masks could be an important psychological security blanket for the masses. It enables them to do the risky things that still must be done during the pandemic to provide goods and services to society."

"Similarly, I initially had high hopes for the vaccines," the Doctor continued. "I thought, one course of treatment and everyone would be protected. It turns out it is more complicated. The haste with which the original vaccines were developed left insufficient time to ensure their safety and effectiveness. In some, the vaccines induce serious adverse effects. In others, the effectiveness wears off as the months since the last injection pass. This new data helped me realize that regular booster shots have to be a part of the process."

"Now, the data indicate that people who are fully vaccinated are dying at a faster clip than the unvaccinated," Fauci said. "It's been a long and hard road, but it looks like our original 15-days to flatten the curve may have been the most effective measure. Lockdowns are returning as the best defense. Australia has been rigorously enforcing lockdowns of the unvaccinated. Austria has been putting the unvaccinated under house-arrest. Bold as these steps have been, it is clear that everyone—vaccinated or not must be lockeddown. Only complete isolation of everyone from everyone else can prevent the spread of covid. A small cadre of society's most expendable must be required to endure the risk of producing and delivering life's necessities to the rest of the population. It will be a difficult, but necessary transition from the kind of freedom we became addicted to in America. Nevertheless, it is our only chance for survival."

In related news, Taiwan has suspended all vaccinations after an evaluation of data revealed that more of its population have died from vaccination (982) than have died from covid (831). Dr. Fauci called Taiwan's response "hasty and ill-considered. A society in which some are vaccinated and some are not increases the variables and complicates our strategy to combat covid. A uniformly vaccinated world population reduces this one variable and simplifies the task. That is why Pfizer vaccinated all the clinical test subjects in the control group after three months of study."

Feds to Block Alaska Logging

The U.S. Department of Agriculture announced that it has begun the process of undoing the Trump Administration's policy of allowing more logging in Alaska's rain forest. Secretary Tom Vilsack explained that "we need to keep in step with the President's desire to tamp down the economic activity that contributes to climate change. We can't let the destruction of the energy sector bear the whole weight of the transition to a simpler way of life."

Lumber prices have been skyrocketing even with the increased logging allowed under the Trump rules. Choking off this supply will put further upward pressure on industries dependent upon this commodity. Jared Bernstein, Member of President Biden's Council of Economic Advisers, acknowledged that "this will likely put the single-family home out of reach for most Americans, which is a good thing. Single-family living is inefficient compared to communal living. A big goal of the Green New Deal is to transition the vast majority of ordinary people into multi-family housing."

"From an efficiency standpoint, a military style of housing would be best," Bernstein declared. "Families could be housed in barracks for the purpose of sleeping. The complex would include areas designated for eating, recreation, and education. All meals would be provided by full-time professional chefs. There would be no need for residents to travel to any restaurants or grocery stores. Indoor and outdoor exercise facilities would be within walking distance. Approved books and videos would be available inside the complex. Education and child-care would be handled by certified instructors. In short, life within the complex would be complete. There would be no need for anyone to waste time going to places outside. Everything they need would be provided to them right there."

Former Thief Nominated to Treasury Department

Saule Omarova, President Biden's nominee to lead the Office of the Comptroller of the Currency, is having her fitness for the office questioned by GOP Senators. On the one hand, there was her "we want them to go bankrupt" comment about the the oil and gas industry in the U.S. Or maybe it's her membership in the Facebook group "Marxist Analysis and Policy," which describes itself as "for socialism and against capitalism." Or perhaps it was her arrest for shoplifting in 1995.

Presidential Press Secretary Jen Psaki defended Omarova, saying that "the President has full confidence in this nomination. Professor Omarova adds a new progressive twist to the concept of banking and challenges the notion that an impartial treatment of all customers should be free of political biases or tests. Both she and the President believe that government should inject its preferences into financial decisions regarding who does and doesn't receive loans, who is and isn't allowed to have an account, and whether the nation would be better served by confiscating assets that could be put to better use by the government. These issues will make up the core of her responsibilities as Comptroller of the Currency."

Psaki scoffed at "the quaint idea that her shoplifting escapade in 1995 is even an issue. Events of the past year and new laws decriminalizing shoplifting in many jurisdiction demonstrate that public attitudes towards property are undergoing a transformation that is in tune with the basic gist of the President's Build Back Better initiative. Dr. Omarova's personal effort to pioneer this concept at TJ MAXX 25 years ago evidences a foresight and leadership that make her well-suited to the job he wants her to do."

Biden Wants to "Pack" Vice-Presidency

Concerned that the duties of being vice-president may be too much for Kamala Harris to handle, President Biden has asked advisors "to see if there is a way to increase the number VPs. Take a look at the big corporations. Many of them have multiple vice-presidents. The job of running America is much more complicated than running a corporation. If corporations need more than one VP then surely the nation needs more as well."

Biden is rumored to have suggested several names he wants considered. These include, Stacey Abrams, Michelle Obama, and Jill Biden. His Chief of Staff Ron Klain explained that "a powerful case can be made for each of these women. Stacey would have been elected governor of Georgia in 2018, but was cheated out of it due to Republican suppression of the black vote. Michelle was a very popular First Lady and a key player in the Obama Administration. And Jill has been very crucial to making the President appear presentable. There is also the community-property aspect to consider. As Joe's wife she is legally entitled to half of everything he has."

"Ideally, all three of these candidates could be sworn in as VPs," Klain maintained. "Each would bring different skills and be assigned different tasks. Abrams would be perfect as a champion of the elimination of all existing voter ID laws. Michelle would be an authoritative voice for helping Americans get in shape by eating right and exercising regularly. Jill could continue to keep Joe from wandering into traffic. And, of course, Kamala could use her fluency in foreign languages to win the hearts and minds of our allies and adversaries around the world. All of them would garner much-needed recognition and help lighten the load on Joe."