IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: October 24, 2021 Edition

Biden Mocks "Freedom"

President Joe Biden used a CNN "town hall" where attendance was "by invitation only" to further vent his anger at those Americans "who continue to try my patience. Look, I know I said that I wouldn't make vaccinations mandatory. But that was nine months ago. I naively thought that Americans would take the advice of their president. I mean, why elect me if you're going to second guess every zig and zag of my policies. Where's the trust?"

"I gave everyone six months to voluntarily get vaccinated," Biden said. "I was stunned that there were so many resisters. It's not like there are a lot of options for getting the job done. I figured if some people weren't willing to follow the advice of someone as revered as Dr. Fauci or myself, I had to issue a mandate. If people won't do the right thing on their own, they must be punished. One of the most potent tools I have at my disposal is to threaten their jobs. I am pleased to report that most of this nation's big corporations and many state and local governments are enthusiastically on-board with me on this."

The President was especially aggravated by the large numbers of medical professionals who are refusing to take the covid jabs. "We lionized these people as heroes during the early days of the pandemic for risking their lives when there were no vaccines and no cures," he recalled. "Now they repay us by blocking my goal of 100% vaccination. By forcing us to fire them they are endangering the health of the hundreds of millions of fully vaccinated Americans. I'm glad to see that many hospitals are now working to save these loyal Americans by denying life-saving care to the unvaccinated."

The President also tore into what he characterized as "the false god of freedom that my political opponents cite as the reason for not obeying my lawful orders. They say that they have the right to decide what is injected into their bodies. But by rejecting vaccination they are claiming a right to kill their fellow citizens with their covid infections. I say no such freedom can stand against the collective right to protect the nation's health. Freedom has its limits and as president I have the authority to determine what limits must be placed on freedom for the good of all."

Security Fence to Be Built Around Biden's Home

On September 21 the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) awarded a $456,548 contract for "purchase and installation of security fencing at the $2.7 million home Biden bought in 2017. The work should be completed by the end of this year.

Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas cited the surge in illegal border crossings as "the chief reason why this expenditure was undertaken. With nearly two million new unvetted foreigners expected to enter the country this year and who knows how many next year, added protection of the President is vitally needed."

The Secretary explained that "the cancellation of the completion of the border wall started by former president Trump left a large hole in the barrier. Criminals and terrorists are now free to move about the country. We acknowledge that we cannot protect everyone, but we certainly can and must protect the most important person in America. The less than half-a-million price tag saves us the billions it would have cost to complete Trump's border wall. These savings can now be applied to housing and feeding millions of new immigrants."

Meet Transportation Needs with High-Speed Rail

This week, President Biden took an Amtrak train to his alleged "home town" of Scranton, Pennsylvania where he boasted of logging two million miles as a rail passenger during his days in the US Senate. "I saved this country millions of gallons of gasoline and the tens of millions of dollars it would have cost me if I had driven myself."

"It's time for the pure selfishness that leads people to take their personal vehicles everywhere they go," he said. "Be smart like I was and take the train. When you arrive at the train station take a taxi or Uber to your final destination. It's simple and efficient."

"As great as Amtrak is, though, we need to look to the future," the President insisted. "The guys who have got it right are the Chinese. They are investing heavily in high-speed rail. We need to do the same if we hope to keep up with them. If we had a nationwide network of high-speed rail we wouldn't be having the supply chain crisis that is blocking the shipment of goods from California ports to the rest of the country. Fortunately, the person I appointed as Secretary of Transportation knows this and will get right on it after he returns from parental leave,"

Garland Testifies at Congressional Hearing

US Attorney General Merrick Garland appeared at a House Judiciary Committee hearing to defend his investigation of "the domestic terrorists who have been disrupting school boards across the nation. When I read the letter that the National School Boards Association (NSBA) sent to the White House I knew I had to act swiftly to put these wayward parents in their place."

"The problem stems from these parents' abuse of the public meetings school boards hold to extol their triumphs," Garland asserted. "Rather than gratefully accept the fact that public schools are educating their children, some parents insist on quibbling over the content of the curriculum and refuse to be silent when ordered to shut up. The 'open microphone' portion of these public meetings are not an invitation to wander off the carefully scripted proceedings. Many school board members have found this to be terrifying. Anytime any government official is terrified our democracy is endangered. Defending our democracy is my duty."

Garland rejected contentions that his Department has no legitimate role in local disagreements over school curricula, saying that "while that may be technically correct from a simplistic reading of the Constitution, the fact is that voters have informally amended the Constitution by electing Joe Biden president last November. It is widely agreed within the government, among the owners of broadcast media and social-media that it was the defeat of Donald Trump that saved our democracy. The actions I'm taking here are a partial fulfillment of the new powers granted by the voters to the current administration."

Fauci Perjury Verified by NIH

While testifying under oath at the Senate Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions Committee hearing last May, Dr. Anthony Fauci, world's most trusted expert on viral diseases, categorically denied that the National Institutes of Health (NIH) had ever funded "gain-of-function" research at the Wuhan Institute of Virology in China. This was in spite of the fact that Fauci is a big supporter of gain of function research "because the knowledge we could obtain is well worth the risk of setting off a pandemic that could kill millions of people."

This week the NIH confirmed that funds it provided to Peter Daszak at EcoHealth Alliance did, in fact, make their way to the Wuhan Institute where it helped fund gain-of-function research. The "function" to be gained in this research was to convert viruses that only infect animals to become capable of infecting humans in order to facilitate germ warfare. The decision to route funds for research to China was necessary because President Obama had banned such research in the United States because of the danger posed by a possible failure to contain the deadly virus concoction within the experimental laboratory. The current coronavirus pandemic was caused when the pathogen escaped from the Wuhan Lab in late 2019.

Fauci excused his dishonesty, calling it "a necessary deception. If the general public were to reach the conclusion that human manipulation of viruses to make them suitable for bioweapons is a bad thing our ability to control the policies needed to combat the contagion would never have gained traction. Scientists like myself would have been viewed as monsters worthy of punishment rather than credible health advisors. Who knows what horrors might have resulted if I hadn't had the opportunity to guide US policy on lockdowns, masks, social distancing, and vaccines. As for Sen. Paul's charge that people have died because I lied, I plead justifiable homicide."

Klain Claims Vindication

White House Chief of Staff Ron Klain has taken a lot of flak for his assertion that "Americans should stop whining about supply chain problems and inflation" and his suggestion that "they could forage through dumpsters for edible food."

This week a woman going by the name "Dumpster Diving Freegan" boasted she found $1,000 of free food in the trash bin behind a Whole Foods Market. In her post to Tik Tok she explained that "everything was still packaged and unopened and nothing was past its use by date – and it was all just one day's worth of waste." Her haul included 100 loaves of bread, boxes of tea, bags of fruit and vegetables, and cheesecakes – "all were perfectly fine to eat except the six unopened packages of toilet paper."

"This proves my critics wrong," Klain said. "The simple life I heralded as the wave of the future under the President's Build Back Better plan is both an environmentally beneficial and a practical option for Americans. The money that individuals have been wasting on unhealthy food, frivolous gadgets and unnecessary conveniences can safely be transferred to the government where it can be invested in more socially beneficial ways."

Chicago Cops Are "Insurrectionists

Chicago's lunatic Mayor Lori Lightfoot has denounced police officers who refuse to be vaccinated as "insurrectionists. It is everyone's duty, especially those whose job it is to enforce the law, to obey the law. My order that they must be vaccinated is now the law in this City. Those who break my law need to be arrested and jailed until they voluntarily agree to be vaccinated."

Chicago police union president John Catanzara expressed doubt that arresting those who don't want to be vaccinated would be either legal or practical. "Last I heard, this is still a free country," he said. "No one can legally be forced to submit to inoculation with an experimental drug. I think Nazis were sentenced to hang for performing medical experiments on unwilling victims. For the Mayor to assume that following her orders to arrest vaccine resisters will be obeyed is delusional."

"Catanzara is the one who is delusional," the Mayor retorted. "I personally know more than a dozen loyal police officers who would readily arrest him—including beating him into submission or shooting him for resisting arrest. I am the duly elected ruler of this City. My word is law."

The mayor also took aim at those choosing to retire from the police force rather than take the jab, saying "they may think they're being clever by taking their retirement benefits and running. Well, what if I decide to withhold these benefits until they submit to being vaccinated? Pensions are a reward for loyal service. I say disloyalty forfeits this reward."

Gov Vetoes Election Integrity Bill

Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D-Mich) vetoed legislation that would require the removal of dead people from the voter rolls at least 45 days prior to each election day.

State Sen. Michael MacDonald (R) said "if we want people to have faith in our elections we need to take steps to reduce opportunities for fraud. One of these steps is to remove the names of deceased persons from the voting rolls. How do we provide safe and secure elections in our state if the governor can't even agree that we should be ensuring dead people aren't on our voting rolls?"

Gov. Gretchen Whitmer countered that "the Republicans don't understand that faith is belief without having to have proof or evidence. We have no proof there is a heaven, but people of faith believe they will go there when they die. Ideally, this is the kind of faith we need to have in our democracy. We need to believe our elections are legitimate without demanding evidence that they are. It is not the doubting Thomases that we should rely on, but the true believers. This is the only way we can have unity in our state and country."