IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: September 12, 2021 Edition

Angry President Demands Obedience

An angry President Biden took to the airwaves to announce new marching orders for America. Despite the fact that far less than 1% of the population has been felled by COVID, 70% of the adult population having been vaccinated, and an unknown, but probably large percentage of the unvaccinated having natural immunity to the virus, the President unveiled a nation-wide mandate to force more people to take the vaccine.

"I've urged everyone to get vaccinated, but a distinct minority have refused to take my advice," Biden complained. "My patience is wearing thin. If people won't make the right decision voluntarily it is my obligation to take the decision out of their hands—as I had to do numerous times when my young sons Beau and Hunter got uppity with me and defiantly disobeyed my good advice. Accordingly, I am ordering all federal employees to take the vaccination. I am ordering all businesses with of 100 or more employees to make getting vaccinated a requirement for keeping their jobs. I am also recommending that all state and local governments impose a vaccination requirement on their employees."

The President dismissed the contention that he lacks the constitutional authority to unilaterally impose this requirement, saying "polls show that a majority of Americans favor universal vaccination. Enforcing the will of the majority on a minority is not tyranny. It is democracy."

Numerous Republican governors spoke out against the vaccine mandate. Gov. Greg Gianforte (R-Mt) asserted "President Biden's vaccination mandate is unlawful and un-American. We are committed to protecting Montanans' freedoms and liberties against this gross federal overreach." Gov. Kim Reynolds (R-Iowa) said "President Biden is taking dangerous and unprecedented steps to insert the federal government even further into our lives while dismissing the ability of Iowans and Americans to make healthcare decisions for themselves."

Undaunted by this outspoken opposition to his decree, Biden boasted "If these governors won't help us beat the pandemic, I will use my power as president to get them out of the way. I can start by withholding federal highway payments. If necessary I can send troops like President Eisenhower did to enforce school desegregation in Arkansas. If they still don't get the message, I can have them arrested like President Lincoln did to critics of his handling of the Civil War. We'll see if any of them have the nerve to face off against their very determined president."

Dr. Anthony Fauci called Biden's vaccination mandate plan "disappointingly moderate. If I were devising a mandate I would not have allowed for any opt outs. That includes getting regular COVID tests, having had a previous infection, existing medical conditions that might make vaccination more risky, and religious or moral objections. Our situation is too perilous for us to compromise. Freedom must give way to discipline. In my opinion, everyone must be vaccinated whether they like it or not."

In a seemingly discordant opinion, Vice-President Kamala Harris was quoted saying "when people are able to make choices without government interference for themselves in terms of their well being and the well-being of their family in consultation with whomever they may choose, we are a stronger society." Harris hastened to clarify that "I was talking about a woman's right to abort her unwanted baby, which is an entirely different thing than mandating everyone be vaccinated." The most striking difference is that the fatality rate for babies from abortion is nearly 100%, while the fatality rate for not being vaccinated is less than 1%.

In related news, Rutgers University barred a student from attending virtual classes because he has not been vaccinated. Rutgers spokeswoman Dory Devlin called the university's rule "fair. As President Biden has made clear, the disloyal who refuse to get vaccinated endanger us all. Even though this student will not directly infect anyone via virtual classes he is still a living embodiment of the kind of selfishness that is disunifying America. For this he must pay a price—either get vaccinated of face exclusion from all normal activities."

Inflation Blamed on "Profiteering"

One economic sector where prices are rising dramatically is meat. The White House blamed the four biggest companies in the meat industry, accusing them of "raising prices while generating record profits during the pandemic."

White House National Economic Council Director Brian Deese charged that "this blatant profiteering is a disservice to both farmers and consumers. We need a food production system that is focused on need, not greed. President Truman seized the steel industry in 1952. Maybe government needs to take a bigger role in the food industry so we can ensure a more reliable and efficient system. If we reorganize the whole industry we could replace 'for profit' enterprise with a collective undertaking that would allow democracy to control what is produced, who produces it, and who consumes it. Sounder decisions on diet and nutrition could be implemented and a healthier population cultivated."

Mark Dopp, COO of the North American Meat Institute, characterized the White House's complaints as "inflammatory statements that ignore the fundamentals of how supply and demand affects markets. The 'for profit' system is what has made America's free market the most productive in the world. The notion that a bigger intrusion of government into food production and distribution could improve upon free enterprise has been repeatedly refuted wherever it's been tried."

Small Businesses Shut Down to Stem Crime

In a desperate effort to try to reduce violent crime in Chicago, Mayor Lori Lightfoot has launched a campaign to shut down convenience markets in high-crime areas. A Special Task Force comprised of Police Officers and City Inspectors has been ordered "to find license and permit violations that can be used to put these public nuisances out of business."

Most of the targeted businesses are owned by Arabs, Asians, or Blacks. One owner who spoke anonymously for fear of retribution complained "they are making us scapegoats for the gang violence that plagues the City. This misguided scheme will have no impact except to harm the only local businesses that provide services in neighborhoods where the gangs operate."

The Mayor was unfazed by the prospect of neighborhoods losing the services of local small businesses, saying "only good will come of that. As the pandemic has shown, people can get all the merchandise they need from Amazon or Walmart. There is no economic need for these small time operators. Those who insist on the convenience of local businesses can move to low-crime areas. As the high-crime neighborhoods become vacant the crime will disappear."

Medicaid the Most Fraud-Ridden Gov't Program

A new report from the Government Accountability Office (GAO) reveals that Medicaid is the most fraud-ridden program in the entire federal government. The report found that "in fiscal year 2020, Medicaid covered an estimated 77 million low-income and medically needy individuals at a cost of $673 billion. Improper payments of $85 billion were made."

According to the GAO, the major factor enabling the fraud "was failure to audit state Medicaid eligibility determinations in the midst of a dramatic expansion of Medicaid under Obamacare. This has more than tripled the amount of improper spending. The growth in improper payments is directly linked to states being incentivized to game the system by improperly classifying people as expansion enrollees to receive greater federal reimbursement rates."

This fraud inspired Sen. Bernie Sanders to argue that "this is why we need to replace our current medical services system with a single-payer plan. Right now too much decision-making authority is in the hands of doctors and patients. Patients want the best care available. Doctors are eager to accommodate this wish. Under a single-payer plan, the government would be the final arbiter of what care will be allowed to which patients."

"Only the government is in a position to assess whether the social value of the patient is sufficiently high enough to warrant the level of care needed to restore that patient to health," the Senator explained. "Society can afford to pay larger sums to ensure that important people like government leaders are kept in good health. Superfluous members of society will have to make do with whatever government authorities feel can be spared."

Documents Show Fauci Lied About Wuhan Lab Research

A new trove of emails confirms that Dr. Anthony Fauci did, in fact, help the Wuhan Lab in China obtain US government funds to pursue the "gain of function" research that turned a coronavirus into a deadly pathogen. Since Fauci denied that he had done this in sworn testimony in a congressional hearing, Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ken) and others are demanding he be held accountable.

"Lying under oath is a felony," Paul pointed out. "Lesser men than Dr. Fauci have done prison time for similar offenses." Sen. Tom Cotton (R-Ark) said "revelations that Dr. Anthony Fauci appeared to have lied about 'gain-of-function' research at a Chinese lab at the center of the coronavirus pandemic is one of the biggest scandals in Washington. He should be investigated and prosecuted."

Fauci dismissed these charges as "the voices of ignorance. First, my critics aren't virus experts. I am. In my expert judgment, developing a virus that could be made deadly to humans was worth the risk. We know so little about pandemics. Development of what turned out to be COVID-19 has given the world a great opportunity to learn vital facts about the dangers of bio-weapons. This knowledge will come in handy if an intentional attack should ever be launched."

"Second, many people have lied to congress and even in court without being punished," Fauci continued. "It wasn't so many years ago that President Clinton committed perjury without significant consequence. He wasn't ousted from office. He didn't go to jail. He finished his term and is still very much admired to this day. As the longest serving and highest paid employee of the federal government I think I deserve like treatment."

Presidential Press Secretary Jen Psaki indicated that "Dr. Fauci will get the like treatment befitting his stature. His job is safe. The President loves what he is doing to promote the widespread panic that will lead to universal vaccination. Dr. Fauci is, as he himself says, 'science.' The American people would be lost and confused without his frequent commentary and advice during the continuing plandemic."

"New World Order" Trial Run

Dr. Kerry Chant, Australia's public health chief, explained that her country's "harsh COVID restrictions constitute a basic trial run of the New World Order." So far the restrictions include virtual home arrest, compulsory mask wearing, intensive government surveillance of everyone, rewards for informing on disobedient friends, neighbors, and family members, mandatory vaccinations, vaccine passports, and barring those without passports from engaging in any commerce.

Premier Gladys Berejiklian warned "resistance is futile. We know who is naughty and who is nice and will treat them accordingly. Those who obey the rules will be granted a modest amount of personal freedom. Those who don't will be identified and banished from normal society. If necessary, holdouts will be asked to spend time in one of our internment camps where they can reflect upon their deviant behavior while they may be required to work their way back into society through hard labor."

Berejiklian was unperturbed when it was pointed out to her that Australia's New World Order had an unsavory resemblance to Hitler's New World Order. "Hitler's New World Order was motivated by evil intentions," the Prime Minister contended. "Ours is motivated by good intentions. He insanely blamed Jews for his nations troubles and set about to punish them. We have scientifically identified vaccine resisters as the source of the continuing pandemic and are rightfully applying pressure to get them to reform their behavior. Hitler gave Jews no chance to reform before he ordered them killed. We are giving vaccine resisters a chance to reform. If they refuse they will be the authors of their own demise."

Biden Admin Disappointed with Taliban

While President Biden boldly boasted of "the extraordinary success of our evacuation from Afghanistan," members of his administration have started to have concerns about some recent actions taken by the Taliban government.

Secretary of State Tony Blinken expressed dismay at "the unrepresentative composition of the Taliban government. Not a single woman has been appointed to any position of importance. It's as if these people never heard of equal rights for women. How can the new government expect to be accepted among the ranks of civilized nations?"

Jessica Stern, special envoy for LGBTQ rights at the State Department, lamented the Taliban's elimination of women's sports in the country. "Not only are they barring women from the opportunity to engage in health-building sporting activities, but they are also preventing males who identify as women from participating in women's sports," she pointed out. "This makes me suspect that they don't respect civilized values."

Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin was hurt by news that the Taliban destroyed the George Floyd mural in Kabul. "How could the brothers in Afghanistan show such disrespect for one of this century's greatest American heroes?" he wondered. "Can't they see that we all have to stick together if we hope to achieve racial equity in this world? I'm thinking maybe it was a mistake to let them take over the country. At least the previous regime allowed the mural celebrating the man and his accomplishments."

Taliban spokesman Sayed Zekrullah Hashimi rejected all these complaints, calling them "anti-Islamic drivel. The roles of women are strictly defined in the Quran and subsequent suras. We will follow these guidelines. The same goes for the kind of sexual perverts mentioned by Ms.Stern. As for George Floyd, we see no need to honor a career criminal and drug abuser with a wall decoration that also violates Islamic tenets. We have won the war and it is we who shall issue demands for the losers to fulfill. First on our list is reparations for Gen. Milley's 'righteous' drone strike that killed an innocent NGO aid worker, 7 children and 2 others who had no ties to the ISIS-K suicide bombing that killed US troops at the Kabul Airport."

In related news, the State Department is refusing to grant the official approval that is needed for private evacuation flights from Afghanistan to land in third countries. A Department spokesman explained that "we don't want to get involved even if it means that these planes have nowhere to land. We have also disconnected our helpline for Americans seeking to escape from Afghanistan because the existence of this helpline could be perceived as an unwanted intrusion into the sovereignty of the Taliban government. Besides, Secretary Blinken has already accepted the Taliban's assurance that they will see to the proper disposition of these self-proclaimed refugees."