IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

More About: Humor

SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: July 11, 2021 Edition

1/6 More Deadly than 9/11

Steve Schmidt, former advisor to Sen. John McCain and co-founder of the Lincoln Project, predicted that the January 6 Capitol insurrection is "likely to kill a lot more Americans than were killed in the 9/11 attacks."

"The fact is that as bad as the 9/11 terrorist attacks were they also had the salutary effect of uniting the country," Schmidt contended. "The 1/6 insurrection shook the very foundations of our democracy and provoked a profound disunity that continues taking a bloody toll on America and the world."

Schmidt went on to blame the 1/6 event for "the despair that has induced spikes in suicides and murders. Seeing how close Congressional leaders came to having to face dissatisfied constituents on that day was deeply depressing. It shouldn't be surprising that tens of thousands decided they couldn't go on living in such a vile and racist place. Nor should we be puzzled by the homicidal rage of so many of our inner-city youths to such an affront. I can see no end to this carnage until every last opponent of the Biden Administration has been put in his proper place—the grave, prison, or cowed into unquestioning obedience."

Schmidt dismissed the fact that none of the so-called January 6 insurrectionists brought firearms with them "as a smokescreen laid down by right-wing terrorists. It was their idea that Biden was an illegitimate president that terrified everyone. If it weren't for the quick action taken against Ashli Babbitt Trump would've usurped power and been free to continue his rampage against the global reset that we all know is vital for saving the planet. Even though this outcome was temporarily thwarted many important people were severely traumatized. Rep. Alexandria Ocasio Cortez is now in therapy to try to cope with her brush with death on that day and PBS' Lisa Desjardins has suffered from insomnia ever since she found herself amid the deplorables who worship Trump."

Biden Admin Apologizes to China

The inclusion of the Taiwan flag among the flags of other nations in a tweet sent out listing the places that have received COVID vaccines from the United States inspired a panicked apology to China from the Biden Administration. Press Secretary Jen Psaki tried to reassure Xi Jinping that "it was an honest mistake."

"It is important that China knows that we do not consider Taiwan an independent nation," Psaki said. "We acknowledge that Taiwan is only a province of the Chinese Empire. We will never do anything to interfere with China's governance of this province."

In related news, the Biden Administration sharply disavowed Japan's suggestion that "our two countries might join in an effort to deter China from invading Taiwan. As it should be clear by now, President Biden unequivocally supports national unity. We have had our own problems with breakaway provinces and endured the bloodiest war in our history invading those provinces and suppressing their rebellion. We can hardly begrudge any action China feels is necessary to assert its sovereignty over the Island of Taiwan. All we ask is that the people of Taiwan accept their subservience with dignity."

Pandemic a "Tremendous Personal Benefit"

Though a reported 600,000 Americans died from COVID, 400,000 small businesses were bankrupted by the lockdowns ordered to "flatten the curve," and millions of workers were forced into unemployment, it will no doubt hearten everyone to learn that the "pandemic was a tremendous personal benefit" to Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY).

"I'm not a guy who likes to focus on the negative," Cuomo said. "Admittedly, some people died, but I'd rather look back on the positive things that happened. First of all, the health emergency enabled me to govern without the encumbrances of the constitution and the law. Rather than have to convince the legislature to enact measures I was able to simply rule by proclamation. This more efficient model of governance is something we can apply to other emergencies we face like climate change, gun violence, and insufficient tax revenue."

"Second, I was able to parlay my emergency one-man rule into a $5 million book deal," the Governor added. "With Dr. Fauci's endorsement of me as 'the model for how a governor should respond to a pandemic,' I won both fame and fortune. My one regret is that COVID was not a bigger threat. The hospitals never became overcrowded. I never got to issue triage rules for separating out who would receive treatment and live and who would have to be denied treatment and die. No one gets to choose his own crisis, but I think I did very well with the one I was handed."

Vaccination Pressure Increases

Now that his vow to have 70% of Americans vaccinated by July 4 has fallen short, President Biden is planning to send federal agents on a door-to-door campaign to convince "hesitators" to take the jab. Rep. Andy Biggs (R-AZ) called this move "deeply disturbing. It's intrusive, intimidating, and unnecessary. The government has already offered free vaccination to anyone who wants it. Those who don't want it are entitled to be left alone."

Health and Human Services Secretary Xavier Becerra strongly disagreed with Biggs' objections. "It is absolutely the governments business to know who has been vaccinated and who hasn't," Becerra said. "We are spending trillions and doing our best to protect everyone's health. It is essential that the American people cooperate in this undertaking. That means following our directives and taking the medicine we prescribe."

Press Secretary Jen Psaki said criticism of the door-to-door campaign "is a disservice to the country. This is a situation where we all should be united behind the strategy that the President has chosen for us. It is the duty of leaders like Rep. Biggs to support the President by urging his constituents to get vaccinated. That he is not doing this is what is really disturbing."

CNN medical analyst Dr. Jonathan Reiner went even further by demanding that "it's time to start mandating people to get the coronavirus vaccination. Luckily, many of our more patriotic corporations are requiring their employees to get vaccinated if they want to keep their jobs. Oregon is planning to send National Guard troops door-to-door to vaccinate those who haven't yet been vaccinated. Not getting vaccinated is simply unacceptable behavior when a democratically elected government has told you to get vaccinated."

"Coercing people to undergo medical treatments they don't want is not a proper use of government power," Biggs argued. "First, COVID is far less deadly than advertised for many segments of society. Second, the vaccines are more dangerous for some age groups than the virus. Young people face a near zero risk of death from COVID. Yet, thousands of people within this age group have been experiencing horrible reactions to being vaccinated. I don't blame them for not wanting to be vaccinated. And I certainly can't support the punitive approaches being taken by government and businesses to pressure them to receive these experimental drugs."

Fear of Crime Is Racist

In San Francisco many stores have closed and others have severely reduced their hours of operation since the California Legislature decriminalized stealing less than $950 worth of property at a time. Gangs now regularly raid stores and run off with their loot knowing that they won't be prosecuted for this "petty theft." Burglaries have increased by 60% over the prior year. Theft from vehicles is up by 750%. Homeless drug addicts and lunatics wander the streets accosting pedestrians to demand "spare change." Piles of human feces are so prevalent that they now appear on city maps. Rent and taxes are outrageously high. It shouldn't be surprising that many residents might wish to live elsewhere.

Yet, Kate Chatfield, a senior director in District Attorney Chesa Boudin's office, mocked the 40% of San Francisco's population that told pollsters that they plan to move out of the city because of "a deteriorating quality of life" calling them "racists who can't abide the lifestyle choices of those less fortunate than themselves. Why shouldn't people who can't afford to pay for what they need just help themselves to a moderate quantity of this merchandise? Recognizing the inequity of a social structure that requires people to support themselves, the Legislature compassionately gave permission for those who can't or don't want to another option."

Chatfield also took issue with the 80% who told pollsters that rising crime is a concern. "These people are simply ignorant of the facts," she insisted. "Most of the 'stealing' they think they see is now legal. Most of the shootings are rival gang members killing each other. Staying indoors after dark is the best way to avoid becoming an unintended victim caught in the crossfire. The idea that moving out of town is a solution is delusional. The whole country is trending toward a new socially progressive direction. The only real option is to adapt to this new reality."

Hunter Biden Called "Modern Day Da Vinci"

While most artists have to work long and hard to attain a stature where their paintings command prices in the hundreds of thousands of dollars, Hunter Biden's first go at it is raking in big money.

Presidential Press Secretary Jen Psaki praised his success as "yet another demonstration of the American dream. Hunter's ability to thrive at so many different pursuits reminds me of Leonardo Da Vinci. He is an internationally successful businessman with enormously profitable ventures in Ukraine and China. He is an author of a very moving autobiography. And now he is a painter of great renown."

Psaki also hailed his decision to keep the names of those who buy his paintings secret as "pure genius. This prevents anyone from concocting a scandal alleging that the hefty prices paid for his paintings are really in exchange for influencing federal policy in ways that enrich the buyers."

Walter Shaub an attorney specializing in government ethics was not so easily impressed. "Keeping the names of the buyers secret is the exact opposite of transparency," he observed. "Considering how some of Hunter's business dealings in Ukraine were handled and how his father used his political influence to get the Ukraine government to fire the prosecutor who was investigating these dealings, the secrecy does not inspire confidence that these sales aren't improper."

Richard Painter, White House ethics lawyer during the Bush administration, called the secrecy scheme "a really bad idea. Hiding the identities of the buyers creates an impression that the transactions might be suspicious. The initial reaction a lot of people are going to have is that he's capitalizing on being the son of a president and wants people to give him a lot of money. I mean, those are awfully high prices. Full public disclosure would be the better option for ensuring that paintings are the only thing being bought."