IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: January 3, 2021 Edition

De Blasio Celebrates New Year "On Behalf of Those Who Can't"

After issuing a decree banning commoners from celebrating in Times Square on New Year's eve, Democrat Mayor Bill De Blasio and his wife took advantage of the vacated space to "dance and celebrate on behalf of those who can't."

"Normally, it would have been unsafe for us to have done this," the Mayor explained. "Between the press of a dense crowd of potentially diseased COVID carriers and the risk that hotheads who find fault with the repressions necessary to contain the pandemic might accost us, Chirlane and I could never have dared to make an appearance. But with police on hand to block unauthorized entry to Times Square we felt safe enough to stand in for all those who normally ring in the new year here."

Videos of the Mayor and his wife dancing where others could not sparked what the Mayor called "unwarranted outrage. For most of human history the masses have been content to live vicariously through their rulers. They were happy to cheer on their kings and queens enjoying privileges unavailable to the wider population. We must not let the malcontents among us to destroy this happiness by promulgating the false doctrines of equal justice and individual freedom."

De Blasio went on to warn that "those whose comments have besmirched the people's respect for their betters may have second thoughts about repeating such behavior after a few of them receive visits from our police. The unpleasantness of these visits should serve as an example to deter them and others from future temptation."

McConnell Calls Certification Vote on Biden Electors "Most Consequential Ever"

Sen. Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) called the vote on January sixth to accept the Electoral College's votes for Joe Biden to be the nation's next president "the most consequential vote I have ever cast in my career in the Senate."

McConnell asserted that "the issue of whether the election was fair or stolen is, in my mind, secondary to the preservation of the bipartisan comity that is essential to the peaceful transfer of power. Other presidential elections have been stolen—most notably the one held in 1960. In contrast to President Trump's post-election behavior, Republican Vice-President Richard Nixon put the good of the country ahead of an insistence on a fair election and allowed Democrat Sen. John Kennedy to be inaugurated as scheduled on January 20th."

The Majority Leader vowed "to use my position to discourage any of my fellow Republicans from objecting to any of the electoral votes in our January 6th joint session. I know it will be hard for some of them to ignore what they consider credible evidence of substantial fraud in the vote counting process in several states. But those tempted to raise election integrity above harmony between us and our Democrat colleagues are advised to consider the impact on their own careers. I control assignments and can relegate disagreeable Republicans to sit on inconsequential committees or on no committees at all as I see fit."

Nebraska Republican Sen. Ben Sasse sided with McConnell, saying that "attempting to raise the issue of election integrity at this late date is a dangerous ploy. The courts don't want to take up this issue. The media will pillory Republicans who challenge Biden's ascent to the office of president. This will quash any chance for me or others like me to run for president in the 2024 election. We should not be forced to put our careers on the line by having to vote for or against competing slates of electors. In my view it's unfair and just not worth it."

Michigan Judge Orders Redaction of Evidence

Last week, 13th Circuit Judge Kevin Elsenheimer ordered the release of the forensic audit of Michigan's Dominion voting machines, but only after evidence on how the machine's algorithm corrupted the vote totals was redacted.

Michigan Democrat Secretary of State Jocelyn Benson demanded the redaction, arguing that "allowing this evidence to be exposed would amount to compelling the government election officials to incriminate themselves. As every viewer of TV courtroom dramas knows, the US Constitution's 5th Amendment protects the accused from being forced to incriminate himself. Since the only way a scheme involving corrupted vote-tabulating machines could work is through the connivance of these election officials, hiding this evidence is the only way their rights can be protected."

Russell Ramsland Jr., the analyst who led the forensic audit of the Dominion Voting Systems machines, condemned the redaction. "During our audit we saw how the algorithm was used to subvert the integrity of the vote totals," he said. "We know, as would anyone else who had been able to see what we saw, that the election was stolen. By redacting this evidence, Dominion, the company that facilitated the corruption, can continue to contend that their machines aren't capable of doing what we know they did. This feeds the untruthful meme alleging that there is no evidence of election fraud."

Benson mocked Ramsland, calling him "a sore loser. Both sides—Republicans as well as Democrats—had an equal opportunity to commit election fraud. One side took the initiative and got the job done while the other basically slept through the entire process. After-the-fact whining about how unfair the system was is a testament to the incompetence of the Republican Party. The electoral votes have already been certified. Biden will be the next president. Why should the heroes who made this happen have to face prosecution for saving the country from another four years of Trump as president?"

Candidate Touts International Support

Georgia Democrat candidate for the US Senate Jon Ossoff touted his "international support" as a reason for voters to elect him on January 5th. Among his benefactors are Chinese businesses and al-Jazeeraa.

Ossoff contends that "these connections make me especially well-qualified to serve in the Senate. The Constitution gives the US Senate special powers for dealing with foreign affairs. All treaties, for example must be submitted to the Senate for approval before they become the law of the land."

"More important, though, is the fact that by having China in my corner I am better positioned than my opponent to ensure smooth relations between our two countries," Ossoff added. "I know that Joe Biden is anxious to bring our two countries into a closer ideological alignment. I will be a better asset in helping to bring this about than Perdue could ever be. China has a great control over internal movement by its citizens. They were able to completely lockdown Wuhan Province to stem the spread of COVID in their country. The Washington Post has recently come out in favor of internal passports for US citizens. I will help the Biden Administration get this idea implemented. My opponent could never match me on this issue. His out-dated devotion to personal liberty would hinder his ability to see the value in greater control over travel within our borders."

In related news, two volunteers—Cesar Guerrero and Santina Walker—who were distributing flyers urging Georgians to vote for Ossoff and his fellow Democrat senate aspirant Raphael Warnock were arrested for stealing packages from the porches of the houses they visited. Guerrero argued with the arresting police, asserting that "I was only taking what should be my fair share of the property that Democrats are going to redistribute to people like me." Failing to persuade the arresting officer, Gerrero punched him in the head several times. Ossoff admitted that "these enthusiastic youngsters went a little bit too far in their eagerness to bring about a meaningful transformation of society. They and their peers will get their fair share of the wealth after the election of Warnock and myself gives Democrats full control of the federal government."

Pelosi Defends Panel to Combat Wealth

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) announced a new congressional committee to "combat the concentration of wealth in America and its role in triggering 2020's economic collapse. Millions of people lost their jobs. Thousands of businesses were closed. We need to find out how this was allowed to happen."

Critics were quick to point out that the government played a major role in the economic misfortune inflicted on so many Americans. In Pelosi's home state it was Democrat Gov. Gavin Newsom who ordered a series of stay home and business shutdown orders that spurred the sharpest decline in personal income for California residents since the Great Depression of the 1930s.

Pelosi defended Newsom's dictatorial suppression of the economy, calling it "necessary to stem the ravages of the COVID pandemic. The more fundamental question is whether any person—worker or employer—should have the right to resist or object to the emergency orders of a government official. After all, government officials represent the will of the people. They are charged with looking out for the general welfare. Disagreement with their directives is anti-democratic."

She also took exception to those who suggested that her personal wealth insulated her from the negative consequences of Newsom's policies, saying "the attack on my wealth and the wealth of any member of the government, for that matter, is inherently seditious. The real problem is the wealth held by people outside the government and their opposition to our efforts to redistribute it more equitably. Those who support the government's policies are part of the essential sector of society. Those who oppose the government are not. The realization that we could use the government's authority to shut down nonessential activities was a key step in the process of transforming an archaic individualism into the progressive collectivism envisioned for us by former President Obama."

In related news, Pelosi announced that the offensive terms "father," "mother," "son," and "daughter" will be banned from speeches and debates on the floor of the House of representatives. These terms will be replaced by the more uplifting phrases "birthing person," "sperm inserter," and "unaborted child."

Biden to Have New Secret Service Team

Concerned that the detachment of Secret Service agents currently tasked with protecting President Trump might present "loyalty issues" for the incoming Biden Administration, aides for Biden are suggesting "a new direction" be considered. "How can we trust the guys who were ready to risk their lives to save the life of Trump?" Biden spokesperson Kwang Fang asked.

One of the "new directions" being contemplated is to request a loan of officers from the Ministry of State Security of the People's Republic of China. "The Bidens have always been well regarded by the Chinese government," Kwang said. "A contingent of China's secret police would be unconflicted in their dedication to President Biden. There would be no fear of leaks that might damage his agenda like there were when Trump failed to replace holdovers from the prior Obama Administration."

"An additional benefit is the positive impact this would have on the relationship between our two countries," Kwang added. "By trusting his life to Chinese bodyguards, President Biden would prove his intention to remain on friendly terms with China. The US posture would shift from Trump's adversarial stance to a position of amity and trust under Biden. We think this 'win-win' scenario would contribute to world peace."

Meanwhile, a parallel decision to disable the "chat" function on the virtual press conferences that Biden has been holding since the election is also expected to ease China's concerns about its relationship with the United States. "In China, government's interactions with the media are tightly controlled so as to prevent troublemakers from muddling the message the government is trying to convey," Kwang pointed out. "As a result there is a unity of thought and action that far surpasses anything that has been achieved in this country. Rather than stumble along with the kind of antagonistic confrontation between the Administration and the media as Trump did for four years, we're going to get it right from the outset."

California to Consider "Fugitive Slave" Law

Distressed at what a rising surge of out-migration is doing to the State's finances, Democrats in California are poised to make another run at enacting a wealth tax on these emigrants. Assemblyman Rob Bonta, sponsor of the wealth confiscation bill, acknowledged that "the right of persons to live wherever they want is a foundation block of a progressive society. That's why we need to erase our borders. However, this right does not extend to any property they might own. There is historic precedent for extracting an exit fee from those leaving a state. Notably, Germany had such a fee during the 1930s."

"A key progressive belief is that property belongs to the people collectively," Bona asserted. "Individuals may leave the state if they choose, but their money belongs to everyone who resides here. Our proposed legislation would clarify this principle by asserting the state's right to seize whatever portion of the wealth accumulated by emigres it needs and to authorize tax collectors to pursue whatever means necessary to return illegally removed money or other portable items of value like stocks, bonds, jewelry, rare stamps or coins, and precious metals back to the state."

State Senate Minority Leader Shannon Grove blasted the proposed legislation and characterized it as a "modern day return of the 1850 fugitive slave act. The people moving out of California have every right to take their hard-earned money with them. The escalating taxes, wasteful spending, and restrictions on freedom that have been championed by Democrats are powerful motivators for an exodus. No self-respecting person should be content to endure the financial enslavement Assemblyman Bona and his Democrat co-conspirators want to impose on everyone."