IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: December 20, 2020 Edition

Cuomo Rescinds Restroom Ban

In his continuing quest to crush the state's restaurant industry, New York's Democratic Gov. Andrew Cuomo issued an order banning outdoor diners from using restaurant restrooms. Spokesperson LaTrinia Johnson explained that "the move was a necessary codicil to the Governor's order banning all indoor dining. What would be the point of banning the indoor dining if patrons are allowed to enter the restaurant to use the restroom?"

Democratic Mayor Bill De Blasio, the normally doltish tyrant of New York City, called the ban "stupid. What are diners supposed to do?"

Ms. Johnson suggested that "the first advice I would give these restaurant diners is STAY HOME! Being at home alone is the best way to avoid contracting COVID. If you insist on going out to eat you could remember to bring a bucket, some toilet paper, and a bottle of hand sanitizer. If you forget, there's always the street or a nearby alley that might suffice. The folks in San Francisco have been taking care of business this way for many years. Surely, New Yorkers are as hardy and resilient as our west coast compatriots."

A barrage of criticism and mockery persuaded the Governor to modify his order and allow patrons to "briefly enter the restaurant to use the restroom, but only one person at a time. The restaurant can control this by keeping the restroom locked at all times. Outdoor diners could signal their waiter and request the key just like drivers often have to do when using gas station restrooms."

Whether closing down indoor restaurant dining is necessary was cast into doubt by the state's contact tracing data. It seems that restaurants account for only 1% of new COVID cases. Private household gatherings account for 74%.

Rep. Omar Wants Trump Prosecuted for Murder

Minnesota Democrat Rep. Ilhan Omar is demanding that President Trump be prosecuted "for murdering my father and 300,000 others. Last June, my father died from COVID. Even though the President of the United States has an obligation to protect the lives of all the people, Trump failed to meet this obligation."

During the pandemic President Trump initiated the first two-week lockdown to "flatten the curve" of serious COVID cases. He held regular briefings in which the government's designated medical experts gave updates and advice. In March, Trump suggested that hydroxychloroquine could save many lives. While this suggestion was assailed by his political opponents and the media for the last nine months, the AMA now admits it is an effective treatment in the early stages of the disease. Finally, he launched "Operation Warp Speed" to develop a vaccine by the end of 2020. Medical experts said it wasn't possible, but new vaccines are now being given to people all over America.

Omar brushed these facts aside and contended that "Trump's lack of compassion negates all of these achievements. The people want a leader who feels their pain. This is more important than anything else. While our new President Biden might not be as efficient in devising solutions, no one doubts his deep sympathy for those who are suffering. Those who suffer and die during his reign will be comforted by his kind words and the righteous punishment we inflict on the heartless Donald Trump."

Woman to Be Tried for COVID Reporting

Last February, Zhang Zhan traveled to Wuhan, China to get a firsthand look at the emerging COVID pandemic. She live-streamed her experiences on social media and wrote essays critical of the government's response to the crisis. She was arrested in May on charges of "picking quarrels and provoking trouble."

Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey expressed his regret that "we didn't do more to help neutralize this unfortunate situation. If Ms. Zhang had used our platform we could have deleted her tweets before they went viral. Very few would have seen her videos or read her essays. Quarrels could have been minimized and not much trouble would've been provoked."

Dorsey promised to "be more vigilant going forward. Our experience has been that too many people abuse freedom of speech. They harass government authorities unnecessarily. Needless contradiction of the policies, words, and deeds of officials creates disunity. Thwarting this unwarranted controversy will be our mission as we assist in bringing about the Great Reset that China has been backing and that American voters endorsed by electing Joe Biden to be their next president."

Pennsylvania Endorses Porn & Masturbation

In a bid the make "stay at home" orders "less tedious and alienating" Secretary of the Pennsylvania Department of Health Rachel Levine is now recommending "porn and masturbation" as a way to cope.

"One of the unforeseen benefits of the pandemic has been the realization that traditional attitudes about sex need to be changed," she said. "With many states imposing severe limits on movement and social contact, the old ways of sexually interacting are being seen as unduly risky. Skin-to-skin contact with another person conjures up nightmares of deadly viruses invading our bodies. This grim awareness of the deadly potential of intimacy is endangering mental health."

"This is why your Department of Health is reaching out to the people of Pennsylvania to educate everyone on the superior health outcomes of contact-less sex," Levine continued. "If you are the only person who touches your body you can't get the COVID virus. I realize that touching one's own body might not be a sufficiently erogenous experience to generate sexual release. I have found that simultaneous viewing of pornography is helpful. My favorite site is 'OnlyFans.'"

Concurring advice came from DC Mayor Muriel Bowser who told her city's residents "you are your safest sex partner; masturbation is always safe sex. Just be sure to clean up any icky bodily fluids, wash your hands and any sex toys with soap and water for at least 20 seconds before and after." On the other hand, Dr. Anthony Fauci averred that "a hook-up with a Tinder match is probably safer than shaking hands with a stranger."

Ossoff Bids for Illegal Immigrant Vote

With polls showing his runoff race for a US Senate seat from Georgia a dead heat, Democrat Jon Ossoff made a bid to nail down the votes of illegal immigrants, saying that "dreamers, DACA recipients are every bit as American as any of us, and I will have your back in the U.S. Senate."

Of particular concern to Ossoff "is whether illegal immigrants are being paid a fair wage. The campesinos who work in the fields, enduring some of the most brutal conditions of labor anywhere in this country to keep America fed are paid less than the minimum wage. Yet, they contribute more to this country than the overpaid white people who hog the best and easiest jobs. Instead of trying to deport these people ICE should be cracking down on the stingy employers who exploit them. Reversing this wage inequity is something I will work with the incoming Biden Administration to achieve."

For his part, Biden expressed his support for Ossoff and offered reassuring words of encouragement, reminding the candidate that "you saw how how our extensive vote fraud team worked to overcome the deplorable voters who cast ballots for Trump. We're not gonna let up now that we Democrats are so close to gaining total control in Washington. I have been assured that the two Georgia senate seats are in the bag."

Riot Potential Neutralizes Vote Fraud Cases

A leak from inside the US Supreme Court alleges that Chief Justice John Roberts insisted that the Texas lawsuit contesting the election results in several swing states not be heard due to the potential for civil rioting that would likely follow a decision to toss fraudulent votes.

"It's a 'no win' situation," Roberts was reported to have argued. "Whether the amount of fraud was sufficient to change the election outcome is less important than the safety of our urban areas. As we saw over the summer, multiple cities were plagued by civil unrest sparked by the death of one man in police custody. Imagine how much worse things could get if the entire nation has to bear another four years of Trump."

"Our choice is clear, we kill all these vote fraud lawsuits as quickly and summarily as we can or we invite years of mayhem," Roberts posited. "In the grand scheme of things, the choice between whether Trump or Biden will lead the federal government is the minor issue. Elections have been stolen before. The country has survived. I fear the country may not survive the open civil warfare that Antifa is ready to unleash if Trump is allowed another term. The safe thing for us to do is to throw out these suits for 'lack of standing.' We won't have to look at any evidence or make any judgments. We will have washed our hands of this mess and isn't washing our hands what all the medical experts have been advising for the past ten months?"

Dem Confident Biden Won't Obstruct Investigation

West Virginia Democrat Sen. Joe Manchin says he has "no worries over the possibility that incoming President Biden might interfere with the investigation of his son Hunter's dubious business dealings. Joe's a stand up kind of guy. He wouldn't use his position to obstruct or divert any inquiries affecting Hunter or other members of his family."

Reminded that using his influence when he was Vice-President Biden to pressure the Ukraine government to fire a prosecutor investigating a company that had Hunter on its board of directors, Manchin insisted "that was a one time thing. Now that Joe is mostly non compos mentis I don't think he can even understand what an investigation is much less implement an effective means of derailing it. Moreover, the odds are that Joe will himself be declared not guilty by reason of mental defect."

"As for the rest of his family, they haven't really done anything that most of the rest of us in government wouldn't have done given the right opportunities," the Senator maintained. "The American people appreciate the fact that us poorly paid public servants need to be able to supplement our incomes in order to live in a manner befitting the rulers of a great nation. If they didn't they wouldn't have elected Joe president."

Detroit Wants Sidney Powell Punished

The City of Detroit is asking a federal judge to impose sanctions on lawyer Sidney Powell. Her offense according to Detroit's lawyer David Fink "is her persistent charges that fraud stole the presidential election for Joe Biden. She is becoming very tedious. Every person she has claimed engaged in fraud has denied it. All the officials running the vote tabulations have affirmed that the election was free and fair."

"It's time for the losers to graciously admit defeat," Fink insisted. "Their refusal to do this is undermining the people's faith in democracy. Even if Powell has proof it is too late to affect the outcome. The electors have already voted and the count is 306 for Biden and 232 for Trump. Nothing can change that. Surely she is aware of this. For her to continue pressing this issue can only lead to a bad end."

"Let's say Powell is right, that there has been enough fraud to account for the late night shift of votes from Trump to Biden," Fink speculated. "By the time she convinces a court of this Biden will already have been in office for a long time. The belated revelation that he got there by dishonest methods will besmirch him and the country. The most powerful democracy in the world will become a laughingstock. Foreign dictators will gain at America's expense. Such a parlous development must be avoided at all cost. It would be better to endure a wrongful election in silence than to expose our system as inept or corrupt. Those who can't see this must be punished for the harm they are doing to this country's image and prestige."

Fauci Laments Americans' Independent Spirit

COVID guru Dr. Anthony Fauci complained to the Washington Post that "America's tradition of individualism and freedom have made the task of fighting the coronavirus so much more difficult than it would've been had our tradition been one of compliance and obedience."

"In other countries, for instance China, people respect and obey government authorities," Fauci observed. "They tell people to stay home and the people obey. They tell people to wear masks and the people obey. But in America too many argue with the measures the government has imposed on them. They whine about restrictions on their mobility. They object that the government's measures will ruin their businesses. They can't accept that the sacrifices demanded of them are necessary to protect the health of the collective whole."

"Americans are always asking when can life get back to normal," the Doctor said. "Well, how do we know that mandatory masks and stay-at-home orders aren't the new normal? Whether it is or not is a question to be decided by the experts. People need to be patient and wait for the government to tell them what they can and can't do. It is better to sacrifice a little liberty then to die because you are too impatient to await an 'all clear' decision that may never come. Life would be much easier for those of us running things if we had more obedience and fewer questions."

Pandemic Crisis Excess Profits Tax

Hawaii Democrat Rep. Tulsi Gabbard has submitted legislation (HR 1267) that would force corporations such as Amazon, Facebook, Walmart, and Google that have seen their profits soar during the pandemic pay a tax that would fund aid to their small business competitors that were economically harmed by government lockdown orders.

Since the start of the pandemic an estimated 50% of the nation's small businesses have been forced to close. Meanwhile, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has increased his wealth by more than $70 billion and Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has increased his by more than $25 billion. Big box retailers like Walmart, Target, Home Depot, and Wayfair have also seen their profits surge as their competitors are run out of business.

"Big tech corporations and big-box retailers are among those who have made excessive profits during the COVID-19 pandemic, while mom and pop shops are being forced to close their doors due to government-mandated restrictions," Gabbard said. "Declaring these large corporations 'essential' while simultaneously shutting down small businesses as governors across the nation have done is fundamentally unfair."

Multi-billionaire Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg immediately denounced Gabbard's proposal, calling it "false and misleading" and vowed to "block the accounts of any Facebook members who attempt to repeat her lies or 'likes' her proposal or makes any favorable mention of it. We at Facebook take our position as the guardian of truth very seriously. No one, not even a sitting congresswoman, can escape our scrutiny or our retaliation for egregious violation of our standards or our terms of service."