My fellow Americans and the world, how are you doing?
Let me begin. The union is unified, and unity is the name of the game. Unions, too. Bad people are out there, in the US where they still support Trump, and also in Syria and other places I can't remember. I'm bombing them, they told me.
Those bombs, well, my security advisors are lying footsoldiers, the American people know this. C'mon. What were you expecting? I saw that I got Obama's Nobel Peace Prize already, and that makes me feel pretty good for a small town country boy from…. where is that, Jill? You know the place. I don't remember actually getting that Peace Prize, but I saw a picture of me getting it in the Babylon Bee.