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Droopy Face Mattis: US to Start Winning in Afghanistan 'as Soon as Possible'


We have bad news and good news.

The "bad" news is that the foreign occupiers of Afghanistan are not currently winning. The "good" news is that Mad Pooch James Mattis, recently transferred from General Dynamics to the Defense Department, believes in miracles! 

Testifying before the Senate, Mattis told fellow geriatric John McCain that the US is "not currently winning" in Afghanistan. He also took full responsibility for that and assured the great country of the United States that he will turn things around.

Mattis did not specify how many more decades he and his olive-clad friends will need to start winning, but he did say it would be "as soon as possible".