John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: July 28, 2024 Edition

Secret Service Warns Trump

Citing the "massive security failures that nearly resulted in former President Trump's assassination in Butler, Pennsylvania" and "the recent sudden resignation of Director Kimberly Cheatle," Acting Secret Service Director Ronald Rowe warned Trump "the fluke that saved your life on July 13 cannot be relied upon to save it again. I advised Mr. Trump to discontinue any future campaign events."

"Let's look at the factors that make these events so dangerous," Rowe pointed out. "There are always going to be sloped roof, weather, laziness, indifference, and incompetence issues that make providing protection difficult. On top of these, as a government agency committed to accomplishing the goals of DEI, ADA, and cronyism we are not free to employ only the most capable employees."

"Then there is the poisonous atmosphere of our current political environment," Rowe added. "After years of being compared to Hitler there are likely thousands of potential assassins who'd like to 'save democracy' by killing Trump. Some of them might be better marksmen than Mr. Crooks was. Kill shots from much further away than the 150 yards Crooks was from Trump have been achieved by expert military, CIA, and FBI snipers. Perhaps there are non-government expert snipers, as well. Before he was killed by a sniper, President John Kennedy acknowledged that there was no way to guarantee a president's safety from assassins."

"Of course, long-distance shots aren't the only risk," Rowe reminded. "Former President Reagan was shot from just a couple of feet away. He survived, but in 1968 presidential candidate Robert Kennedy was shot and killed in an up close assault and in 1972 presidential candidate Gov. George Wallace was permanently crippled by an up close shot. In 1975, President Gerald Ford survived two up close assassination attempts without being wounded."

"In 2020, President Biden modeled the safest approach to winning an election by spending most of the campaign in his basement and letting his campaign ground troops stuff as many ballot drop boxes as possible," Rowe pointed out. "Clearly, the era of inspiring enthusiastic voters to sweep a person to victory is over. Why risk your life when it may not be necessary?"

Biden Saves Democracy

After being down with a bout of COVID since late last week, President Biden made a televised speech to explain why he is dropping out of the 2024 race for the presidency. While his remarks have been described as "slurred" and "semi-coherent," a few points stood out.

"I believe my record as president, my leadership in the world, my vision for America's future, all merited a second term," Biden said. "But nothing—nothing—can come in the way of saving our democracy. That includes personal ambition. So I decided the best way forward is to pass the torch to a new generation."

The "torch" was passed to Vice-President Kamala Harris "because she is the best person to continue with the work we have done together these past four years. As our point person on the border she was instrumental in implementing the immigration policy that will transform our nation. She has been the most articulate spokesperson of our joint vision for the future and can make the best case for continuing the course we are on. Naming her my successor will unite my Party and avoid the rancor and uncertainty of a divisive fight for the nomination."

Biden emphasized that "I will not be resigning the presidency because there are a couple of things I need to do between now and January. When I ran for president in 2020 I promised to cure cancer. I haven't gotten around to it yet. I have six months to deliver on this promise. I also want to reform the Supreme Court. I expect to use the same authority I've used to wipe away billions of student debt to accomplish both of these objectives. By passing the responsibility for winning the 2024 elections to Vice-President Harris I will be free to put my entire six hour workday into these two vital crusades."

Dems Unite Behind Harris

Following Biden's announced withdrawal from the 2024 election in favor of Vice-President Kamala Harris, leading Democrats united behind her.

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) said "Harris' was the first sitting vice-president to visit an abortion clinic. Her fanatical commitment to the vital role that abortion plays in protecting women's health is her greatest strength. When she was a senator she voted against the Born-Alive Abortion Survivors Protection Act. If it had become law it would have prevented doctors from terminating fetuses that were born alive during the abortion procedure. Her passion puts our Party way out ahead on what will be the pivotal issue in deciding which Party will win in November."

Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA) called Harris "the most qualified person in our nation's history to become president. She's the Vice President of the United States. Given the obvious mental incapacity of President Biden, she could've been the de facto president during much of his administration. She's a former senator and the former attorney general from the largest state of the union where she vigorously prosecuted pot smokers even though she herself was an avid toker. This kind of impartiality demonstrates an integrity that is rare among public officeholders."

Former Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-CA) called Harris "a dream candidate with stellar credentials. She's been vice-president for almost four years. She's represented the whole country. She is mainstream America. She's the hope, she's the opportunity, she's the American dream. I'm confident that she will be able to unite the country behind the freedom that the Democratic Party represents and save our democracy from the dark tyranny that Trump promises to inflict on our great country."

Sen. Chris Coons (D-DE) cited "Vice-President Harris' loyalty to her mentally incapable boss helped the nation get through some tough times. Helping conceal his condition was vital to deterring our foreign adversaries from exploiting this weakness and becoming dangerously aggressive over the past three and a half years. She deserves a term of her own and I think voters will give it to her."

On the other hand, Black Lives Matter denounced "the undemocratic installation of a presidential nominee that no one voted for. It was bad enough that a decrepit Joe Biden was put forward as the only well-known Democrat who would be allowed on the Party's 2024 primary ballots. Cornel West, Robert Kennedy, and Marianne Williamson were explicitly excluded. Now that Biden has acknowledged he can't run, the leaders of the Party are repeating their effort to deny Democrat voters any say in the matter. A recent CNN poll showed that 73% of Democrats want someone other Harris as the Party's nominee. By cramming a person with only 27% voter support down our throats the Party leaders aren't saving democracy. They're destroying it."

In related news, Rep. Andy Ogles (R-TN) filed articles of impeachment against Vice President Kamala Harris citing "her failure to abate the flood of illegal immigration into our country and her concealment of President Biden's dementia. One of this nation's biggest failures during the Biden Administration was its refusal to defend our borders from the invasion of hordes of aliens--most of whom are living at the taxpayers' expense and some of whom are criminals and terrorists. Since Biden assigned Harris to handle the border crisis on March 24, 2021 she bears a major responsibility for the disaster our border has become during her tenure. Second, having a president who is non compos mentis is a serious national security threat. Harris' role in helping to cover up this threat shows she is unfit to hold public office."

Arizona Dem Votes Against SAVE Act

Despite claiming he is against illegal immigrants voting in our elections, Democratic candidate for the US Senate from Arizona Rep. Ruben Gallego voted against the Safeguard American Voter Eligibility (SAVE) Act. He called the SAVE Act "too heavy handed in its approach. It would require voters to verify their citizenship in order to be given a ballot. My alternative Voting Clarity Act is a friendlier option."

Gallego said "my Voting Clarity Act would require that immigrants applying for asylum be reminded that they cannot vote unless they are citizens. Those applying for asylum are expressing an intent to remain in America on a permanent or at least a long term basis. It is easy to see how filing this application for asylum might be misinterpreted as an application to become citizens and obtain full voting rights. My bill closes this loophole."

Republican candidate for the same senate seat Kari Lake called Gallego's bill "a toothless ploy. In many states immigrants seeking a driver's license are automatically given the paperwork to register to vote. Arizona currently tells people seeking to vote that if their citizenship cannot be confirmed, they will receive a federal-only ballot, allowing them to vote in Presidential, US Senate, and US House elections. These practices imply that non-citizens are entitled to vote in our elections. Gallego's bill relies on non-citizens being told and remembering being told that they are not eligible to cast a ballot and then remembering to not attempt to cast one. It puts unwarranted trust in the memory and honesty of a massive number of unvetted individuals who have entered our country illegally."

62% of Voters Fear Cheating in 2024 Elections

A Rasmussen survey of over 8,000 likely voters found that 62% of them are concerned that cheating will skew the 2024 election results. Twenty percent of those surveyed reported that they either received more than one official ballot in the mail or received a ballot for someone who does not live at their address in 2020. One percent of the likely voters said they are not US citizens and 0.85% said they are not sure if they are US citizens.

While it is illegal for non-citizens to vote, federal voter registration forms require no proof of citizenship. All the individuals have to do is check a box claiming they are citizens and they will be registered to vote. In California, individuals without photo IDs are allowed to vote if they show a utility bill, credit card, or gym membership.

Other recent news stories that may heighten voters' concerns about election fraud include the following items.

In May of this year, the Georgia State Election Board (SEB) cited Fulton County for violating the law during the 2020 election by counting more than 3,000 ballots twice. SEB member Janice Johnston said "in addition, there is no way to verify whether the reported election results were accurate because 380,761 ballot images from the 2020 Election Day machine count 'were somehow lost.'"

In April of this year, the Third US Circuit Court of Appeals in Pennsylvania ruled that in both the 2020 and 2022 elections thousands of mail-in ballots lacking required dates were illegally counted.

In New York City, six volunteers for the campaign of Yu-Ching James Pai were charged by District Attorney Melinda Katz with tampering in a June 2023 primary election. The scheme involved fraudulently obtaining and casting absentee ballots on behalf of 23 voters they had never met. Complaints from the disenfranchised voters sparked an investigation that led to the charges.

The Heritage Foundation's election fraud database reports that in 2024 alone fourteen cases of election fraud have adjudicated and proved. The types of fraud of which offenders were convicted included: duplicate ballots, fraudulent use of mail-in ballots, ineligible voting, buying votes, and false voter registrations. Far from being rare, the database includes a total of 1,546 proved cases, 1,313 criminal convictions, and 58 civil penalties.

thelibertyadvisor.com/declare