John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: July 21, 2024 Edition

Chronicle of "a Fundamental Security Failure"

At 6:11 on Saturday, July 13 former President Donald Trump narrowly escaped assassination while giving a campaign speech in Butler, Pennsylvania. This near murder of the Republican nominee for president was preceded by a series of questionable decisions made by the Secret Service.

No Drones

Inasmuch as drones are often used for this type of outdoor political event, Secret Service Director Kim Cheatle was asked why they weren't used this time. Her reply was "we determined that the risk from that rooftop was mitigated by counter-snipers." However, the counter-snipers were on a shorter building and could not see a potential assassin sneaking up the back slope of the taller building he chose for his attack.

A-Team Diverted

The Secret Service squad that had previously guarded Trump was diverted to cover a campaign appearance by Jill Biden elsewhere in Pennsylvania. A replacement squad of "supplemental special agents" from the Pittsburgh office were assigned to the Trump event. Cheatle justified the switch, saying that "as the nation's First Lady, Dr. Jill Biden's safety takes priority over that of a private citizen running for office."

Unguarded Sniper Perch

The roof of the American Glass Research (AGR) building from which shots were fired at Trump by Thomas Matthew Crooks was left unguarded. Cheatle explained that "since we didn't have enough agents to cover the event that particular roof was within the perimeter assigned to local police. Even if we had enough agents we could not have placed one in that location because the sloped roof was considered too hazardous." When she was reminded that the agents who killed the would-be assassin fired from a different sloped roof, she said "we are looking into that to see if disciplinary actions need to be taken against those agents."

Encounters with Crooks

Crooks' behavior was tabbed as suspicious several hours before he fired his shots. A "range finder" (a device hunters and snipers use to adjust their weapon for the distance to their intended target) he was carrying tripped metal detectors when he entered the grounds of the event. He was allowed in with this device.

About one hour before shots were fired, Crooks was spotted suspiciously lurking near the AGR building he would later shoot from. No action was taken to interdict or maintain surveillance of him

About 10 minutes before shots were fired, Crooks was identified as a threat by Secret Service agents. No action was taken because "rules of engagement" do not allow the agents to fire first. Instead, they allowed Trump to walk onto the stage. Crooks was allowed to climb to his perch on the roof. A local police officer climbed to the roof but backed away when Crooks pointed his rifle at him.

At 6:11 pm Crooks got off several shots. One grazed Trump in his right ear. Others killed one audience member and seriously wound two others. Then Secret Service agents fired from their perch on a sloped roof of a building behind the podium to shoot and kill Crooks.

Cheatle Takes Full Responsibility

Secret Service Director Cheatle acknowledged that "crucial errors were made and I take full responsibility." She rebuffed demands that she resign, saying that "all's well that ends well. While the job could've been done better we must not lose sight of the fact that the assassin was thwarted. The DEI (diversity, equity, and inclusion) hires the agency has made under my leadership did well enough to vindicate the success of the program."

Despite saying that "a direct line of sight like that to the former president should not occur," Department of Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas declared "I have 100% confidence in Director Cheatle and the people under her command."

In related news, just as the shots at him were fired Trump had turned his head to read some immigration statistics. The path of the bullet that clipped his ear would've penetrated the side of his skull if he hadn't made this slight movement. Trump later reported that "I was having a conversation with fellow presidential candidate RFK, Jr. when I received a phone call from President Biden who expressed his relief that I survived and how narrow the miss was. He asked me, 'why did you turn your head at exactly the right moment?' I told him 'God saved my life.'"

Violent Rhetoric to Blame

On the Sunday evening after the attempted assassination of Trump, President Biden addressed the nation to say "we need to lower the temperature in our politics and to remember that while we may disagree, we are not enemies, we are neighbors, we are friends, coworkers, citizens, and most importantly we are fellow Americans. We need to cool down our political rhetoric."

Ironically, only four days before the assassination attempt it was President Biden who told his supporters "it's time to put Trump in the bullseye." Biden admitted that "using the word bullseye was probably unwise." He said nothing about the years of demonizing Trump as an "enemy of democracy," "an existential threat to America," and "Trump is Hitler" campaign ads. Apparently, these qualified as cool political rhetoric.

A day after the assassination attempt, the host of ABC's "This Week" program, George Stephanopoulos, focused his anger at "Trump and his supporters' violent rhetoric." Co-host Martha Raddatz echoed his remarks, saying "absolutely, George. We were just looking back this morning at some of the things that former President Trump has said. And let's remember January 6th when Trump supporters tried to overturn the election of Joe Biden as president and the Capitol Police were forced to kill two of them. In so many ways, for the campaign, January 6th will probably be in the background after yesterday's event. We can expect to see a lot of hate emanating from the Republican National Convention this week."

It turns out that Raddatz's expectations were not fulfilled. Model and rapper Amber Rose spoke at the Republican National Convention where she said "the truth is that the media has lied to us about Donald Trump. I know this because for a long time, I believed those lies. After I eventually watched a few of his rallies and met so many of his supporters I realized Donald Trump and his supporters don't care if you're Black, white, gay or straight. It's all love. And that's when it hit me: these are my people. This is where I belong."

CNN senior political commentator Van Jones called Rose's speech "the most dangerous speech for the Democratic coalition. That is a young woman of color. She's describing the experience a lot of people have, feeling that maybe if you're around too many liberals you might get criticized too much, or you might not be able to speak your mind. And she spoke to it really well. And so, to the extent that these guys are trying to bust up our coalition, that was a bunker buster right there."

Biden-Harris campaign's senior spokesperson Sarafina Chitika blasted Rose, saying "a vote for Donald Trump is a vote to line the pockets of millionaires like Rose at the expense of actual Black communities."

In related news, the Biden campaign has decided to discontinue its "Trump is Hitler" TV ads citing "the possibility they might provoke deranged individuals to try to kill him." CNN commentator Kate Bedingfield disagreed, saying "his narrow escape from death makes Trump more of a threat to democracy than he was before. If Democrats want to win this election need to turn their fire on Trump until that threat no longer exists."

Biden Stronger than Trump

MSNBC host Joy Reid advised people "to not be overly impressed with Trump's seemingly miraculous brush with death nor with his 'heroic' decision to continue his quest for the presidency. His risk was limited to just a few seconds. Don't forget that President Biden also has demonstrated death-defying courage. Just a few days ago he tested positive for COVID. Yet, he too has heroically decided to continue his bid for reelection."

"To put the relative risks each man faces in proper perspective lets consider some simple math," Reid suggested. "COVID has killed seven million people. Assassins have killed only four presidents and one presidential candidate in our nation's entire history. It seems to me that going forward, the risk of Trump being assassinated is far smaller than that of President Biden being felled by COVID. He is, after all, in the highest risk group. He knows that every step he takes on the campaign trail could easily be his last. Yet, his love for our country fuels his death-defying efforts to save our democracy from its worst enemy."

"I'm hoping that voters will realize that surviving COVID is at least as impressive as dodging a bullet aimed at your head," Reid argued. "Fighting off a virus that laid waste to most of the world over the past few years takes more strength than simply turning your head out of the path of a bullet. In my book, President Biden is showing more strength than Trump ever has. Voters should cast their ballots for him, not Trump."

In related news, an unnamed editor for the Liberal-leaning Axios site, urged the media to "bury the post-assassination attempt photo of Trump bouncing to his feet and raising his fist before it goes viral. It presents an image of Trump that contradicts the evil image we have so carefully constructed over the past nine years and could become the 'photoganda' that will dangerously increase the risk that he will be elected in November." The photo was taken by Pulitzer Prize winning Associated Press photographer Evan Vucci who said "I knew immediately that it was going to be one of the most important things I'll ever photograph and that I needed to do the best job possible."

EU Parliament Refuses to Condemn Political Violence

This week, the Patriots for Europe Group in the European Parliament introduced a resolution condemning political violence--including the recent attempt to assassinate former President Trump. It failed because a majority of the Members of the European Parliament (MEPs) voted against it.

Italian MEP and Antifa activist Ilaria Salis explained that "violence is explicitly prescribed by Marx as a valid tool for advancing the goals of socialism. Historically, violence enabled Lenin to take power even after his Bolshevik Party lost the 1917 elections. Asking those of us who are socialists to forgo a strategy that is a crucial weapon in our struggle against our anti-socialist enemies is unacceptable."

Salis had been under arrest for participating in violent Antifa attacks on the streets of Budapest in Hungary, but had to be released because getting elected to the European Parliament gives her immunity. Many of the victims in Budapest who were mistaken for right-wing extremists turned out to be people simply headed to work when they were assaulted by the infamous Antifa "Hammer Gang." Those who aren't members of the European Parliament are facing prison sentences of up to 11 years (or longer if any of their assault victims die).

In related news, Europe's political and foreign policy elite are alarmed that Sen. J.D. Vance (R-Ohio) has been chosen as Trump's vice-president running mate. Ricarda Lang, co-leader of the German Green party, pointed out that "like Trump, Vance cannot be counted on to continue sending military aid to Ukraine. So, even if Trump is eventually assassinated we'd still have Vance to deal with. We could end up having to provide more aid than we'd like to keep the war against Russia going. This makes it financially essential that the Democrats win in America's November elections."

First Graders Aren't Entitled to Freedom of Speech

In California, after a lesson on Martin Luther King Jr and Black Lives Matter, a first grade girl drew a picture with four ovals she said were the faces of herself and her friends holding hands. One was white. One was black. One was Brown. One was yellow. The the phrases "Black Lives Matter" with "any lives" right under "Black Lives" accompanied the drawing. She gave it to a classmate. The classmate thanked her and took it home. The next day that classmate's mother expressed her concern to Viejo Elementary School Principal Jesus Becerra that her daughter was being singled out for her race.

Becerra concluded that adding "any lives" was "inconsistent with values taught in the school" and that the drawing was "racist" and "inappropriate." Both he and the mother who raised the issue agreed that the student who wrote the words and drew the picture was innocent of any malice. The mother said she did not want her daughter's friend to be punished. Becerra disagreed. First he forced the girl who drew the picture to apologize to the friend she gave it to. This confused both girls. Becerra then banned the girl who loves to draw from giving any pictures to any of her classmates. Her teachers then barred her from participating in recess for two weeks.

A year later the punished girl's mother found out about it. She requested an explanation and an apology for the violation of her daughter's First Amendment right to freedom of speech. She got neither. The school claimed Becerra had immunity against the girl's First Amendment and retaliation claims.

The mother then filed suit in the Federal District Court. This court ruled against her claim, speciously citing a US Supreme Court ruling that "schools may restrict speech that might reasonably lead school authorities to forecast substantial disruption of or material interference with school activities or that collides with the rights of other students to be secure and let alone." Only a moron could "reasonably" forecast that a drawing by a first grade student showing girls of different races holding hands substantially disrupted or materially interfered with school activities or collided with the rights of other students to be secure.

The District Court court also added "the use of the phrase 'any lives' is unacceptably similar to the phrase 'all lives,' which in the state of California is considered hate speech. Hate speech also lacks the protection of the First Amendment regardless of the age of the person who uses it."

Since the Federal District Court's ruling and the Supreme Court precedent cited conflict with another Supreme Court ruling that "First Amendment rights are available to teachers and students who do not shed their constitutional rights to freedom of speech or expression at the schoolhouse gate," the Pacific Legal Foundation appealing the case at the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals.

In other California school news, Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) signed AB 1955--the Support Academic Futures and Educators for Today's Youth Act. This law forbids schools from informing parents when their child decides to change his or her gender. A recent Rasmussen poll found that an overwhelming majority of California voters support parental notification policies. Unfortunately, California voters also elected enough Democrats to give them super-majorities in both houses of the state legislature. This allows Democrats to ignore the will of the majority of California voters on this issue.

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