IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

More About: Humor

SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: July 14, 2024 Edition

Dems Denounce SAVE Act

This week, the House of Representatives passed the Safeguard American Voter Eligibility (SAVE) Act by a vote of 221 to 198. This Act requires proof of citizenship to vote in federal elections. All but five Democrats voted against this legislation.

Minority leader Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY) argued that "requiring proof of citizenship will just gum up the works and result in fewer ballots being cast. The 2020 election was the most honest and secure election in our nation's history. This shows that the honor system works. There's no need to change it."

Rep. Jennifer McClellan (D-VA) asserted "in Virginia people must pay $4 to get a driver's license or $2 to get a photo ID. Forcing a person to have to choose between putting food on the table or buying an ID card to vote is racist. This bill is the 2024 version of the Jim Crow poll tax and we should vote against it."

Minority Whip Katherine Clark's (D-Mass) falsely claimed that this bill will "prevent Americans from registering to vote with their driver's license alone and make a passport the only acceptable stand alone form of identification." The bill allows for five different proofs of citizenship: a REAL ID-compliant driver's license, a valid US passport, military ID and service record, a government-issued photo ID showing US birthplace, or a government-issued photo ID accompanied by a valid secondary document indicating a birthplace (such as a birth certificate) or citizenship (such as naturalization papers).

President Biden has also vowed to veto the bill should it ever reach his desk, saying "it is already illegal for non-citizens to vote. The only purpose of this redundant legislation is to intimidate folks from voting by making the process more complicated and arduous. How are folks who vote by mail or use drop boxes supposed to show IDs? For decades we have relied on voters to be honest about their citizenship. In 2020 this resulted in the largest number of votes ever cast for a president in our nation's history. Why change a system that's working?"

The issue isn't whether it's illegal for non-citizens to vote. Clearly it is. The issue is whether there is an effective enforcement of this law. Right now there isn't. Welfare offices in 46 US states provide voter registration forms to migrants without asking them for any proof of citizenship. In Arizona the Republican Party filed a lawsuit against Secretary of State Adrian Fontes after discovering from 500,000 to 1.3 million illegal voters and illegal aliens on the state's voter rolls. It seems unlikely that Arizona would be the only state to have a problem with ineligible persons casting ballots.

In related news, Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D-Mich) just signed legislation that prohibits local officials from conducting recounts to investigate fraud. If fraud is suspected only State Attorney General Dana Nessel (D) and city district attorneys (almost all of them Democrats) are authorized to investigate. "From this point forward it will be impossible for people like Trump to cast doubt on the integrity of our election outcomes," the Governor Boasted. "Election denial will explicitly be a criminal offense."

Target Warned to Stop Reporting Thefts

The Target store on 2505 Riverside Blvd. in Land Park was warned by Sacramento City Attorney Susana Alcala Wood's office that it would be fined for repeatedly reporting thefts. "Ten years ago voters approved Prop 47," Wood explained. "This amended the law by converting thefts of less than $950 from a felony to a misdemeanor. This combined with various 'defund the police' measures means law enforcement doesn't have the resources to respond to misdemeanors. As it is, fewer than 10% of vehicle thefts, which do exceed the $950 felony line, result in an arrest. Retailers shouldn't be wasting our time on shoplifting."

California Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) pointed out that "one of the benefits of Prop 47 was that felony thefts immediately declined due to the higher monetary threshold. Crime in our state looked to be decreasing. Since crime rates are a factor in where people choose to live this change alone blunted the incentive for people to move out of the state. Retailers who insist on reporting shoplifting are harming the state's economy."

A spokesperson for Target lamented "we are caught between a rock and a hard place. Prop 47 made shoplifters more brazen. Employees who attempt to raise the issue with persons trying to walk out with stolen merchandise are called racists or threatened with physical assault. The losses from these thefts have made running the business a losing venture. Adding a civil fine for reporting theft may be the last straw."

Newsom said "I doubt that the situation could be so dire. As an owner of the Plump Jack restaurant I know to buy insurance to cover losses from things like theft. Surely, Target is smart enough to have bought its own insurance against theft."

California Secretary of State Shirley Weber called the Governor's grasp of the situation "naive. If thefts can't be reduced insurance rates will go through the roof. The more claims insurers have to pay the higher the premiums they charge will go. That's one reason why so many businesses in our state are going out of business and why we're gathering signatures to put reform of Prop 47 on the November ballot."

Dems Want Justice Thomas Put on Trial

Citing the successful prosecution of Donald Trump in several trials held in New York, Sens. Sheldon Whitehouse (D-RI), who chairs the Judiciary subcommittee on federal courts, and Senate Finance Committee Chairman Ron Wyden (D-Ore) are requesting that US Attorney General Merrick Garland appoint a special prosecutor to launch a criminal investigation into Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas.

One of their allegations is that Thomas failed to declare income for a loan that they say was forgiven. Elliot Berke, an attorney for Thomas, said "Justice Thomas made payments on a regular basis until the terms of the agreement were satisfied in full."

Whitehouse dismissed Berke's explanation, saying "Donald Trump was found guilty and ordered to pay a $500 million fine for paying back a loan in full with interest. All we need is the right venue and the right judge and jury. The fact that the two parties in the loan are satisfied is irrelevant. At the very least, if we get a judge like Juan Merchan who will insist that Thomas must be present every day of his trial he can be prevented from participating in some Supreme Court deliberations."

Corporations Conspire to Silence Conservatives

The House Judiciary Committee released a report showing how the Global Alliance for Responsible Media (GARM) organized corporate cooperation aimed at silencing conservative viewpoints over the Internet by "demonetizing their platforms, podcasts, and news outlets."

GARM's leader and co-founder, Rob Rakowitz emphasized that "our goal is to ensure that vendors don't inadvertently place ads on sites whose content could misinform the public. When we spot an ad on Breitbart, X, or Joe Rogan we contact the company to ask them if they really want ads for their product or service to be seen on these disreputable sites and whether they want their ad fees to sustain the misinformation commonly purveyed by these sites."

Rakowitz brushed aside Republican objections, saying "the Supreme Court already ruled that the government is within its rights to pressure social and other media into censoring content it considers outside the bounds of acceptable opinion. This was despite the Constitution's admonition that the government may not infringe on freedom of speech. Our organization has the legal right to promote our views by bringing economic pressure on those who disagree with us to conform to our wishes."

NC Dems Rig Ballot

The Democrat-majority North Carolina State Board of Elections (NCSBE) blocked presidential candidates for the Justice for All Party (Cornel West) and the We the People Party (Robert F Kennedy, Jr.) from November's general election ballot. They approved the Constitution Party's candidate (Randall Terry).

NCSBE member Alan Hirsch explained "it's not that we disapprove of the views of either Mr. West or Mr. Kennedy. They are acceptably left-of-center, but that's the problem. President Biden is also left-of-center. Having these three men split the left-of-center vote can only work to the advantage of Donald Trump."

"The reason for our approval of the right-of-center Mr. Randall to appear on the ballot should be obvious," Hirsch continued. "If we had kicked him off the ballot many of the people who would've voted for him are people who would never vote for Biden. To them Biden's strong support for abortion makes him a baby killer. Keeping him on the ballot can only work to the disadvantage of Trump who is also opposed to baby killing."

"I know some will contend that our actions in booting some off the ballot are anti-democratic," Hirsch admitted. "But we can't afford to let such nit-picking divert us from doing what's necessary to try to save America's democracy. This year's election may be our nation's last election. If it is, it is essential that a Democrat win it. We are proud of doing our part in trying to make this happen."

Cost of Illegal Immigration Soars

During their presidential debate two weeks ago former President Trump asserted that "Biden is destroying Social Security. Millions of people are illegally entering the country and he's putting them on Social Security and Medicare. This will wipe out these programs." Biden's response during the debate was "we beat Social Security."

Social Security was originally sold to Americans as a plan where they paid a share of their wages while they were working in order to receive benefits when they retired. But Democrats have made so many revisions to the program that people who have never paid anything into the program and are not citizens can receive benefits.

By law, people who have entered the country illegally are not eligible to receive Social Security benefits. However, if they are paroled into the United States while waiting for their cases to be heard--as they are under Biden's "catch and release" policy--they are considered to be here legally and are eligible to receive Social Security's Supplemental Security Income benefits on the grounds that they are unemployable because they can't understand English, have no marketable skills, and no education.

The first leg of their journey to a lifetime of welfare dependency is the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA). The original purpose of this agency was to provide assistance in the case of natural disasters like floods, hurricanes, and earthquakes. Now FEMA is providing aid to communities that have declared themselves to be sanctuary cities or states for persons who have illegally entered the country. In FY 2023 the cost was $360 million. In FY 2024 it is $650 million. The requested funding for FY 2025 is $3 billion. Acting Secretary of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) Adrianne Todman explained "when you're putting these people up in hotels at $500 a night per room the costs run up pretty fast. With millions more newcomers every year annual bills in the multiple billions are projected."

Schumer's Plan to Counter Trump's Immunity

Upset that the Supreme Court's recent decision that a president has immunity for his official actions, Senate Majority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) has proposed legislation that "would declare that the actions taken by Trump on January 6, 2021 were unofficial and illegal. This will ensure that justice is done and eliminate the need for long and complicated court proceedings."

Schumer explained that "a power that legislatures have invoked in the past was to specifically identify a person known to be a criminal as an outlaw. This meant that it would be legal for anyone to slay this outlaw. Every decent person in America knows that Donald Trump is a criminal who poses an extreme threat to our democracy. If Democrats can hold the majority in the Senate and regain the majority in the House in the upcoming elections we can exercise this little-used legislative authority to be rid of Trump once and for all."

Schumer brushed aside predictions that the Supreme Court would disallow his proposed ex post facto bill of attainder on the grounds that the Constitution explicitly prohibits these ancient tools of oppression. "By ruling that Trump is immune for instigating the January 6 insurrection the Supreme Court has overstepped its authority," he said. "If the six who voted for Trump's immunity are still in the country after Democrats have total control of the government next year they too can be declared outlaws."

thelibertyadvisor.com/declare