IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: March 12, 2023 Edition

90% of IRS Audits Hit Small Businesses & Families

While making the rich pay their fair share of taxes has been the rhetoric favored by President Biden, in her testimony to the House Ways and Means Committee Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen, admitted that 90% of the enforcement actions by the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) will be focused on businesses and families earning less than $400,000 per year.

Yellen explained that "billionaires are a hard target for the IRS. They can afford the best accountants and lawyers to help them minimize the taxes they pay. Those with smaller incomes are a riper source for reaping more taxes. It is not cost-effective for them to hire the kind of people that billionaires employ to avoid paying more in taxes. The number of person-hours of labor the average person would have to invest to escape paying more taxes is enormous. Just paying whatever the IRS says they owe is the least painful and most practical option in the vast majority of these cases."

The Secretary praised Congress for "it's wisdom in approving the IRS budget increase that will fund more armed enforcement personnel at the agency. The 80,000 additional agents is a tenfold increase over previous staffing levels. Taxpayers' chances of being audited can now increase tenfold. Revenues extracted from these taxpayers can also increase tenfold. Essential expenditures like the proposed 5.2% increase in salaries for federal workers become more feasible as our measures for transferring more of the nation's wealth into the public sector become more energetic and successful."

Airing of Jan 6 Videos Assailed

For two years, the videos from the January 6, 2021 riot at the Capitol were under the control of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif). Only a small fraction of the 41,000 hours of video were ever shown to the American people. The claim that the events at the Capitol constituted a "violent and deadly insurrection" was endlessly repeated by members of Pelosi's hand-picked special committee and the majority of the mass media outlets.

The new House Speaker Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif) initiated a policy aimed at full disclosure of the rest of the videos. On Monday, March 6, the first small batch of previously concealed videos were shown on the Tucker Carlson show on Fox News. These videos showed non-violent protesters being let into the Capitol by the Capitol Police. The alleged leader of a coup--QAnon Shaman Jacob Chansley--was shown being calmly escorted through the building by the police who unlocked a door to the Senate Chamber where Chansley made a public statement thanking them for their assistance and praying for trheir safety as they battled violent intruders elsewhere in the building.

Former Rep. Adam Kinzinger (R-IL), one of the two token Republicans Pelosi allowed to serve on her special committee, called the airing of these videos "disgusting. Our committee carefully selected only the most relevant videos to illustrate the point that the January 6 incursion was the most deadly threat to our government since the Civil war. The sole purpose of those calling for full disclosure of all the videos is to dilute and undermine our committee's findings."

Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) called for "the immediate cessation of any further shameful attempts to challenge the veracity of the account carefully constructed by the forces striving to save our democracy. The heroes of Jan 6--the valiant Capitol Police officer who shot Ashli Babbitt, the members of the House and Senate who skillfully escaped the clutches of Chansley, House Speaker Pelosi who cleverly rejected Trump's offer of National Guard assistance, and the members of the special committee who assembled the insurrection narrative--were all insulted by Carlson's airing of videos not fit for public exposure."

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) echoed Schumer's complaints, saying "I have in my hand a letter from the Capitol Police Chief Thomas Manger confirming the accuracy of the special committee's findings. There is no need for any further investigation. The contention that the peaceful behavior of the unarmed persons in the videos Carlson showed casts doubt on the insurrection charge must not be permitted to confuse the public. Chansley may have appeared to be acting calmly, but his buffalo-horn hat and painted face terrorized me and many of my colleagues, causing us to run away and look timid--damaging our reputations as the legitimate rulers of the United States of America."

A crack in the solid front opposing further examination of the videos came from the special committee chairman Rep. Bennie Johnson (D-Miss), who expressed dismay that "I never saw the videos shown by Carlson before. Staff had the responsibility to bring everything important to us. Now, I feel like I'm out on a limb that could be sawed off. I'm being advised to just 'brazen it out,' that the media will regain control of the situation, Carlson will be silenced, and McCarthy will be persuaded to rescind his decision to release all the videos, but I'm not sure that concealing this evidence from the public is the right thing to do."

Meanwhile, Albert Watkins, the attorney representing Jacob Chansley, pointed out that his client's rights were violated. "The prosecution has a legal obligation to provide exculpatory evidence to the defense," he said. "Instead, my client was put under duress and threatened with decades of imprisonment if he didn't accept a plea to a lesser charge." Attorney General Merrick Garland excused the violation of Chansley's legal rights, citing a poker analogy, saying "the threat of decades in prison was a 'bluff.' Watkins advised his client to 'fold.' So, regardless of the lack of evidence for Chansley being engaged in any violence he still loses the 'pot.' I guess his self-image as a courageous patriot will take a hit, but that's his own fault for not calling our bluff."

Voting Advice from Mexican President

Mexican President Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador called for all Hispanics residing in the United States to vote against Republicans, saying "they are a corrupt, inhumane, and hypocritical party. They say they are for freedom, yet they actively harass the entrepreneurs who facilitate the movement of people and merchandise across this border. Now, Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC) is calling for US troops to enter Mexico and kill these entrepreneurs."

Graham defended himself by pointing out "I've been a leading proponent for getting our troops to engage in the fighting in Ukraine to help preserve their borders, but people have criticized me for not paying enough attention to our borders. Well, the recent kidnapping and murder of Americans traveling to Mexico for medical treatment has given me the opportunity to maintain a consistent position in favor of military solutions to this nation's problems and support the great companies that manufacture the weapons used by our troops and make the political donations that help public servants like myself to continue to serve this great country."

Lopez complained that "the Scorpions faction of the Gulf cartel has already apologized for the murders. They say the killings were carried out by undisciplined members of their organization. What Graham fails to acknowledge is that the violence these entrepreneurs must use to ply their trade is a direct result of the fact that the products and services they provide are illegal under US law. A more humane approach would be to reach some sort of exclusive licensing agreement where these products and services would be permitted in exchange for a share of the profits. Biden and the Democrats are the ones we can trust to negotiate that agreement."

Out-Dated Covid Travel Rules Defended

The continued refusal to allow the world's top-ranked tennis player Novak Djokovic to enter the US to play in the Miami Open tournament defies common sense. The hang-up is that he hasn't received a covid vaccine. The current scientific evidence indicates that (1) the vaccines are not effective in preventing infection or transmission of the virus, (2) Djokovic has already had and recovered from the disease, which means he has natural immunity that is as good as or better than any vaccine-induced resistance to the disease, and (3) vaccination is not required for the millions who have illegally entered the country since the vaccines for covid were available.

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis' letter to President Biden criticizing the exclusion of this competitor from the tournament as "unfair, unscientific and unacceptable and contrary to the explicit recommendation against vaccination for males aged 18 to 39" was rebuffed by Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "While many doctors have recommended against younger people being vaccinated, the fact is that it is still the policy of this government that all foreigners legally entering the country must be vaccinated," she said. "To make an exception for this one individual would be discriminatory and undermine the obedience to our policy. Instead of being a crybaby about it, Gov DeSantis should appreciate the importance of obedience to maintaining docile and law-abiding behavior among the population. What's more, practically every professional athlete in every sport played in this country has already been injected with the covid vaccine. If, as Florida's Surgeon General Joseph Ladapo contends, the vaccine is detrimental to these young athletes, it would be unfair to allow this foreigner to compete against them without also being jabbed."

Meanwhile, chairman of the Translational Research Informatics Center Dr. Masanori Fukushima says "the extensiveness of adverse health outcomes caused by the mRNA injections ultimately put billions of innocent people in harm's way. Data from the U.S. Vaccine Adverse Event Reporting System (VAERS) shows that deaths caused by the covid vaccines have surpassed those caused by all other vaccines combined in the past 30 years. The negative health consequences of the mRNA shots are already a global issue. The vaccines can potentially spur a wave of heart attacks, strokes and sudden deaths."

Dr. Anthony Fauci, the world's foremost expert on covid and the mRNA vaccines, called Fukushima's views "one-sided. He wasn't in the trenchers battling the pandemic like I was. He didn't have to make the kind of trade-offs I did. Some of those who got the vaccines died, but more survived. Even if he turns out to be right about the long-term consequences, let's not forget that the world is over-populated. If the vaccines help thin the herd, I say that's an unexpected benefit that shouldn't be unappreciated."

DOJ Explains Disparate Approach to Abortion Issue

Under intense questioning by members of the Senate Judiciary Committee, Attorney General Merrick Garland acknowledged that "our office has had much more success prosecuting anti-abortionists who pray outside of abortion clinics than it has going after pro-abortionists that firebomb pregnancy centers."

Sen. Mike Lee (R-Utah) was unimpressed by Garland's glib rationalization and suggested a different approach. "There have been 81 reported attacks on pregnancy centers and 130 attacks on Catholic churches since the Supreme Court's overturning of the Roe v. Wade decision was first leaked a year ago," he said. "Yet, only two individuals have been charged for these crimes. Why is that?"

"Anti-abortion fanatics commit their offenses in broad daylight," Garland replied. "Pro-abortionists do their deeds after dark. Their more persistent efforts to conceal their activities makes it harder for us to go after them. It's not a double standard per se. It's more a matter of grabbing the low-hanging fruit."

"Isn't arson a more serious crime than trying to persuade a woman not to go through with aborting her baby?" Lee asked. "Isn't it more important to go after those violent criminals?"

"Well, we want to close cases," Garland said. "The less violent offenders are easier to arrest. There are plenty of eye-witnesses and open admissions of guilt. So, statistically, our efforts look more impressive in terms of getting people convicted and sentenced. That is what impresses when it comes time to persuade lawmakers to enact more generous budgets for our department for the next year. It's also what the American people want us to do considering the fact that they voted overwhelmingly to elect the pro-abortion Biden over the anti-abortion Trump president in the 2020 election."

In related news, Filmmaker and leftist loon Michael Moore called for a nationwide boycott of Walgreens for refusing to sell abortion pills in states where it is illegal to do so. "Making it inconvenient for women to abort their unwanted children is a crime against humanity," Moore asserted. "Why should women who don't want to be mothers have to go to the trouble of traveling to a neighboring state or ordering the pills through the mail from a state where the pills are legal? Is there no atrocity that the anti-abortionists won't commit to try to get their way on this issue?"

In New York where abortion pills are legal, Gov. Kathy Hochul (D) ignorantly warned pharmacies in her state "to continue to supply these pills or face dire consequences. All of our efforts must ensure that the sacred right of abortion is never abridged anywhere in the world. If driving every pharmacy in the state out of business is the price we must pay to achieve this, I'm all in."

On The View TV show an even loonier Jane Fonda suggested that "a woman would be justified in killing anyone who tries to prevent her from aborting her unwanted child."