IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: August 29, 2021 Edition

Vax Mandate to Pare Police Force

Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot's mandate requiring all city officers to get the COVID-19 vaccine has been met with defiance by John Catanzara, president of the Chicago Fraternal Order of Police. "This vaccine has no studies for long-term side effects or consequences. None," Catanzara said. "To mandate anybody to get that vaccine, without that data as a baseline, among other issues, is a 'Hell, no' for us."

Lightfoot insisted that "no one will be exempt. City employees are absolutely going to be required to be vaccinated. Anyone not vaccinated by October 15 will be terminated. If that means we have no police department, so be it. A lot of people have been advising me that we should replace our police with social workers anyway. At the very least, we will dramatically reduce the incidence of police shooting black men in our city."

Unfortunately, the vast majority of black men who get shot in Chicago are shot by other black men. A shrunken or dismantled police department is more likely to worsen this violence. Nonetheless, Lightfoot is adamant that "the COVID death toll for the unvaccinated will be much larger. This toll will be levied on millions of innocent victims. Stopping such a calamity is far more important than continuing the futile effort to stop black-on-black violence. If refusal to get vaccinated leads to us having fewer police on our streets, I can live with that."

In related news, Guns Down America, March For Our Lives, Newtown Action Alliance, and Survivors Empowered are lobbying President Biden to set up an "Office of Gun Violence Prevention." Zeenat Yahya, spokeswoman for March For Our Lives, complained that "the president promised bold action over and over again. When he wants to get things done, he does it. Look at how quickly he has brought the Afghanistan war to a successful end. He can do the same thing to end gun violence in America by simply confiscating all the guns in private hands like the Taliban did in Afghanistan."

Psaki Defends Plandemic

During a press conference, Presidential Press Secretary Jen Psaki admitted that "the last year and a half has taken its toll on people's health and sanity. But it has also enabled the government to pioneer new ways of governance. Things that might not ever occurred to us have been done with resounding success."

"Among these things was a realization of how liberating a declared emergency can be," she said. "Normally, there are months or years between the origin of an idea for making the country better and getting it enacted by Congress. The emergency allowed the president, the state governors, and local governments to streamline the process by simply issuing mandates for people to shelter at home, for businesses to close down, requiring that people wear masks in certain locations, to get vaccinated if they want to keep their job or enter government and commercial spaces."

"We learned that we can spare our citizens the tedium of extended debate over how a situation should be handled by working with Facebook, Twitter, and others to discredit or censor incorrect opinions," she added. "Our friends at CNN, MSNBC, CBS, and others helped augment the panic needed to soften the average person's resistance to being ordered to do things they didn't want to do. We even got neighbor to turn on neighbor and family members to disown their disobedient kinfolk."

"All of these innovations in how the nation is governed permanently changes the structure of our democracy for the better," Psaki asserted. "We have taught the American people that the old ways of struggle and individual decision making are unnecessary. They can have confidence that the government will take care of them. We will provide for their needs. We will nurture their spirit of collective unity. All everyone needs to do is listen and obey and a stress-free happy life will follow."

UK Data Shows Vaxxed More Likely to Die

Data from the United Kingdom indicates that while those that have been fully vaccinated have been less likely to catch COVID they are more likely to die of it. Since February of this year there have been 47,008 cases of COVID among the fully-vaccinated and 151,054 cases among the unvaccinated. Of the fully-vaccinated cases, 402 have died (0.86%). Of the unvaccinated cases 253 have died (0.17%). The vaccinated are five times more likely to die of COVID if they catch the disease than the unvaccinated are. These statistics would seem to cast doubt on the assertion that public health requires that everyone be vaccinated.

COVID expert Dr. Anthony Fauci urged that "we should disregard this anomalous data from one small country. There quite easily might be a unique characteristic among the infected population that is muddling the scientifically obvious conclusion that being vaccinated is better than being unvaccinated. The leaders of virtually every nation in the world are eager to have their populations vaccinated. Government medical officials all over the world are unanimous that their populations must get vaccinated. Some have even gone so far as to go door-to-door vaccinating those unwilling to voluntarily submit to being vaccinated. In Australia they're building internment camps for those who refuse to be vaccinated. These decisive steps wouldn't be taken if we weren't certain of the health benefits of being vaccinated."

Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ken), an "unofficial" medical practitioner, says "the UK data undermine the poorly thought-out assertions of Dr. Fauci and the politicians using his advice to trample individual freedom. The claim that the vaccines save lives is contradicted by these data. Coercing people to take a drug that appears to increase the likelihood they will die if infected by COVID is not justified."

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) disagreed with Paul, saying "if it were up to me I'd allow employers and school officials decide whether to force employees or students to get vaccinated. Individuals aren't medically qualified to determine whether they need to get vaccinated. Persons in positions of authority like corporate CEOs, school boards, and university administrators have easier access to expert opinions and can make a more informed decision that better serves the general welfare. Sen. Paul should not be permitted to challenge the recommendations of those, like Dr. Fauci whose job it is to guard the public health. Without his and other discordant voices confusing the issue we would be much further along toward the goal of achieving a 100% vaccination rate and maybe not have to resort to the overtly coercive measures needed o achieve it."

In related news, a study done by the Oxford University Clinical Research Group found that "fully-vaccinated healthcare workers carry a coronavirus load 251 times larger than than unvaccinated individuals." the study's authors speculated that "while vaccination does seem to moderate the symptoms of infection in the individuals inoculated, it also appears to transforms them into presymptomatic superspreaders. This phenomenon may be the source of the shocking post-vaccination surges in heavily vaccinated populations globally."

Afghanistan Fiasco Gets Worse

After allowing the Taliban to seize the weapons the US provided to the elected Afghan government for national defense and conquer the country, the task of extracting US citizens from Afghanistan has become much more difficult than it had to be. In a bid for help, the Biden Administration has provided the Taliban with a list of US citizens and Afghans who assisted US troops over the past 20 years of warfare.

Biden explained "look we don't know how to get these people out safely. As a gesture of our good will we are showing the Taliban that we trust them to help extract our people. The list we provided will help them find the people we've named and escort them to safety. At least that's what we hope will happen." Since the list was handed out, suicide bombers have attacked the crowds of people at the Kabul Airport trying to flee the country. More than a dozen US soldiers and over 100 Afghans were killed.

In response to these bombings, Biden declared "we will not forgive. We will not forget. We will hunt you down and make you pay. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one or more will be appointed for your defense. If you cannot pay, we will arrange a loan on favorable terms. If you cannot afford bail we will release you on your own recognizance. We will show you the difference between our civilized society and your barbarism."

Unfortunately, the hunting down phase of Biden's threatened vengeance has been rendered nearly impossible by the abandonment of the Bagram Air Base he ordered last month. He blamed this bad decision on "the advice of my generals who seem more focused on ensuring that transgender soldiers and marines get first priority for evacuation. They tell me that the Taliban regard such troops as perverts and would subject them to death by torture if they are left behind."

Many have criticized Biden's handling of the Afghanistan pullout. Former UK Prime Minister Tony Blair called Biden's decision to withdraw troops without first evacuating citizens "imbecilic." Current UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson declared we would be better off with Trump. However, Rep. Adam Kinzinger (R-Ill) praised Biden's performance, saying "as I see it, the average American is very well-represented by a President of average intelligence. He is doing what any of them might be doing if they were in his shoes. Demanding that he resign and be replaced by someone with more competence is pure elitism. A democratic country needs to be run by an average person, not a smart aleck like Trump."

On MSNBC's Morning Joe show, co-host Joe Scarborough predicted that "the Afghanistan disaster will eventually fade from the headlines. The media will get back to reminding everyone of Trump's many catastrophic failures. Americans will fall back in love with good old Joe Biden, the man who epitomizes the 'average Joe' legend in this country."

Finally, President Biden has decided that "no one will be fired for the chaos his Administration has created in Afghanistan. "I take responsibility for what happened," he said. "The buck stops with me. If anyone should be fired it would be me, but I have not been instructed to fire myself. So I won't fire myself. I'm confident that if it ever becomes appropriate for me to fire myself or resign I will be instructed to do so and will comply."

Down Under Countries Opt for Tyranny

In response to a COVID death toll of 91 people out of a population of 5.3 million (a rate of 0.0017%), the state of New South Wales government has issued a severe lockdown decree. Every resident has been ordered to stay in his home and can only leave to buy food, see a doctor, or go to work in businesses declared essential. If they do leave the house for one of the approved purposes they are under strict orders to wear a mask and not talk to anyone they might encounter while outside.

Premier Gladys Berejiklian called on all citizens "to help enforce these restrictions by informing on anyone they suspect is outdoors without good reason. Police can't be everywhere. We need people who are loyal to the government to help us spot those who are not so they can be properly punished. If we are ever to defeat this virus universal obedience to government health directives is essential."

Meanwhile in the nearby island nation of New Zealand, Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern ordered a strict lockdown policy after it was reported that a 58 year old man may have contracted the delta variant of COVID. She defended her draconian mandate, claiming that "everyone is in agreement with this strategy. There is no need for discussion or debate among any of us about that because that is the safest option for us while we continue to vaccinate our people."

Ardern professed herself "unconcerned about both the fading effectiveness of the vaccines against the delta variant and the very low fatality rates compared to earlier this year. As long as COVID presents a threat to any person we must not shy away from trying whatever expedient we can to stop this disease whether it works or not." Since the pandemic began 26 New Zealanders—0.0000005% of the countries 5.1 million population—have died of COVID.

More Vaccine Problems Discovered

In Japan, 1.6 million doses of Moderna's coronavirus vaccine have been withdrawn from use because they are contaminated by foreign matter. "It's a substance that reacts to magnets," a ministry official said. "It could be metal." A Moderna spokesperson confirmed receiving several complaints of particulate matter in vaccine vials distributed in Japan, but denied there were any safety or efficacy issues to be worried about. "Hundreds of millions of people have received this vaccine. A much smaller number have been magnetized, killed or otherwise harmed by it."

In the United Kingdom, the Francis Crick Institute conducted a test for antibodies in the blood of 250 healthy adults who have received either one or two doses of the Pfizer-BioNTech vaccine and found that "recipients of the Pfizer vaccine, those who have had two doses, have about five- to six-fold lower amounts of neutralizing antibodies. It looks like the more of this vaccine that is injected, the weaker the immune system becomes."

In contradiction of this finding, David Bauer, head of the Bauer Lab in the Francis Crick Institute, recommended that "those injected with the Pfizer vaccine should get booster shots because these shots the only anti-COVID strategy that is currently approved."

Dr. Peter McCullough characterized this recommendation as "180 degrees off course. A key principle of medicine 'is first, do no harm.' After eight months of experience with these experimental vaccines, the evidence indicates that we seem to have taken a wrong turn and need to take a different, more scientific approach to dealing with this virus."

Meanwhile, the FDA gave formal approval to Pfizer's as yet unavailable "comirnaty" anti-COVID vaccine. President Biden used this event to declare that "the moment you've been waiting for is here. It's time for you to go get your vaccination. And get it today. Today." But the vaccine they can get today is not comirnaty. It is the same "emergency use only" vaccine that has been pumped into tens of millions of arms starting in December of 2020. Biden is probably too cognitively impaired to understand the difference. That makes him the perfect spokesman for the next stage of deception of the pandemic.

Sen. Ron Johnson (R-Wis) criticized the FDA's hasty approval "of a not yet existent vaccine. I have received a growing number of letters from doctors and nurses detailing the vaccine injuries they are witnessing and treating. I see no need to rush the FDA approval process for any of the three Covid-19 vaccines. During the clinical trials, both Moderna and Pfizer deliberately disbanded the control group. They claimed it would be unethical to withhold the vaccine from any of the test subjects. Yet, critics of doctors using hydroxchloroquine to treat people with COVID cited the lack of a control group as the reason to reject the largely positive results. Such hypocrisy does not impart credibility to claims that their vaccines are safe or effective."

Rochelle Walensky, Director Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, rebuffed Sen. Johnson's concerns, calling them "irresponsible scaremongering. For him to concoct ill-founded objections to the vaccines right when we are on the cusp of achieving a mandate for universal, involuntary administration of these life-saving vaccines is destructive and foolhardy."