IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

More About: Humor

SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: February 28, 2021 Edition

Biden Bombs Syria

Despite vowing during a presidential debate in February 2020 that military action would be a last resort for problems in the Middle East, President Joe Biden's first action in the region since taking office last month was to order an air strike on Syrian territory. This action was immediately criticized by the Senate's most reliably anti-war member Rand Paul (R-Ken), who tweeted "I condemn meddling in Syria's civil war. I also condemn attacking a sovereign nation. What authority does he have to strike Syria?"

Press Secretary Jen Psaki, who herself questioned former President Trump's authority to order air strikes in the region back in 2018, defended Biden's action, saying "times have changed. In 2018 a usurper occupied the presidency. He had no legitimate authority to do anything. President Biden won the election in 2020 with more votes than any other person has ever received for president. This gives him a mandate to do whatever he wants."

As for Biden's debate promise not to go trigger-happy in office, Psaki insisted that "no one remembers that now, not even the President himself. Everyone except Sen. Paul is unified behind President Biden on this issue now. I wonder if Paul has considered the seriousness of his effort to undermine this country's ability to fight and win this war. Some might call his action treason."

In related news, Biden issued an executive order cancelling a prior executive order issued by Trump that limited China's access to American capital to help finance its military technology. Psaki explained that "the Trump policy stood as a barrier to unifying our two nations. If we allow them to get the weapons technology they want from us they will be less likely to attack our country because it would be nonsensical to cut its own supply line. The President hopes to divert China's ambitions in another direction—maybe India or Australia—and thereby, keep America safe."

Democrat Election Reform Bill Touted

In an effort to institutionalize the ad hoc procedures that won the 2020 presidential election for Joe Biden, Democrats in Congress have crafted legislation that would mandate sweeping changes in the voting process nationwide.

The "For the People" Act's lead sponsor Rep. John Sarbanes (D-Md) emphasized the urgency of getting this done now, saying "We may not get the opportunity to make this change again for many, many decades, so let's not miss that window. Shame on us if we don't get this done."

Among the changes that will be made is to make vote-by-mail universal. Sarbanes explained that "the varied state requirements and restrictions are anti-democratic. People who want to vote shouldn't have to jump through hoops to get a ballot, fill it out, and return it. Ballots should be mailed to everyone. They should also be available on street corners like newspapers are, only it won't require coins to open the box and pull out as many ballots as you need. Voters could mail their ballots in or drop them off at the many drop boxes scattered around the community. Alternatively, community volunteers or Party workers could distribute ballots, collect them, check them for accuracy, and drop them off after midnight on election day."

The reform bill would also eliminate the voter registration and ID requirements that many states currently have. Reform supporter Stacey Abrams, former Democrat candidate for governor of Georgia, called registration and ID requirements "tools for suppressing the vote. Voting is a human right. Every human should, therefore, be considered eligible to vote without having to get government permission. The fact is, only humans have the mental capacity it takes to vote. Consequently, every ballot that is filled out must have been cast by a human and should be counted by poll workers."

In contrast, Europeans are quite skeptical of these so-called reforms. Jérôme Rivière, a French member of the European Parliament, said "France banned mail-in ballots in 1975 because it was too easy to cheat." More recently, the French Senate refused to approve President Macron's proposal to permit early voting, calling it "not safe enough from fraud or manipulation." Abrams characterized this skepticism as "typical white thinking."

Student Suspended for "False Opinion"

Owen Stevens was suspended from his degree program by State University of New York (SUNY) Genesee for saying "a man is a man, a woman is a woman." Stevens was ratted out by peers who heard him say this on a video.

Diversity & Inclusion Coordinator Patricia Pendejo called Stevens' remarks "completely false. They call into question his ability to maintain a classroom environment protecting the mental and emotional well-being of all of students. His contention that his statement is backed up by science is misinformation. Current scientific thinking says that gender is fluid and a matter of choice."

Dean of the School of Education Dr. Kate Schiefen ordered Stevens "to complete a remediation plan consisting of taking down his Instagram videos, toning down his social media presence, and attending school-sanctioned training before he can be permitted to continue his studies. We hold the teachers we train to high standards. We can't graduate insensitive and narrow-minded brutes and send them into our public schools."

Stevens has refused to undergo remediation. "Teaching is about inspiring students to think for themselves," he said. "This includes being able to confront ideas with which they may disagree without wilting or whimpering. Students are free to disagree with their teachers and present their own arguments for what they believe to be true. I do not see a teacher's role as one of ideological indoctrination."

Apprised of Stevens' resistance to being reeducated, Dean Schiefen declared him "unfit to teach," asserting that "after review of all available materials, I find that, based on your continued public stance and social media presence, you do not consistently demonstrate behaviors required by the Conceptual Framework of the School of Education."

Dems Call for Biden to Give Up Nuclear Launch Authority

A group of Democrats in the House have called for President Joe Biden to give up his sole authority to authorize the launch of nuclear weapons. Rep. Jimmy Panetta (D-Calif) said "vesting one person with this authority entails real risks, especially when that person is manifestly cognitively impaired. We need to establish a process that involves a broader spectrum of participants who could discuss the matter before launching."

Panetta acknowledged the possible urgency issue of having only minutes to respond to an incoming nuclear missile attack, but maintained that "delay in mounting a counterattack is preferable to entrusting a mental incompetent to make the right decision. I mean, I tried to talk to the President about this, but couldn't break through to him. In response to me he asked 'what's a nuclear lunch? Why would I order one? Can't I just have my usual split pea soup?'"

Vice-President Kamala Harris called Panetta's concerns "overwrought. Joe's not going to do anything we don't tell him to do. He is the friendly face America needs to stay calm and unified. We already have a 'process' that involves a broader spectrum of participants. In fact, it was this broader spectrum that told the President to launch an air strike on Syria this week. As we saw, everything went off without a hitch. Congressman Panetta and his co-conspirators need to relax and get back to their real jobs of grabbing a piece of the COVID pork barrel spending for their home districts."

Kerry Engaged in Shadow Diplomacy with Iran

According to a Washington Times story, John Kerry, former Secretary of State during the later years of the Obama Administration, engaged in shadow diplomacy with Iran during the Trump Administration. Ironically, "shadow diplomacy" was one of the allegations that spurred the appointment of Robert Mueller as Special Prosecutor to investigate Trump during the first two years of his term. After spending $35 million on this investigation no evidence of any crime by Trump was uncovered.

Kerry brazenly asserted that his moves behind President Trump's back were "totally justified. Though we lacked any evidence to prove Trump committed a crime, all of us knew he was bad news for America. The most heroic among us, myself included, went the extra mile to short-circuit Trump's policies before they could do any damage. Because of my efforts, Iran waited out the sanctions Trump placed on them until President Biden could undo the sanctions and allow Iran to resume its efforts to obtain nuclear weapons."

"The imbalance between a nuclear United States and a non-nuclear Iran was both unfair and destabilizing," Kerry argued. "We learned from the cold war between the US and the Soviet Union how important the 'balance of terror' was for maintaining peace. The knowledge that one wrong move by the United States could lead to nuclear annihilation helped restrain its imperialistic attempts at world domination. Trump's insistence on America first undermined the balance of terror that could have developed if Iran got nukes. Now, with Democrats in control of the federal government the prospects for achieving a new balance of terror between Iran and America are most favorable."

Acting on what it said was Kerry's advice, Iranian Foreign Minister Mohammad Javad Zarif is demanding that the US "pay one trillion dollars as reparations for the damage done to our country's economy by the Trump Administration's sanctions." Antony Blinken, Biden's nominee to be his Secretary of State expressed some concern about using the word "reparations" for the compensation due Iran. "The President would like to restrict the use of that word to payments made to Blacks for slavery," Blinken said. "I believe he would be open to 'investing' a trillion dollars in the Iranian economy as a humanitarian gesture toward the great nation of Iran."

Dems Pressure Cable TV to Drop Conservative News Networks

Reps. Anna Eshoo (D-CA) and Jerry McNerney (D-CA) sent letters to the CEOs of multiple cable TV providers—including Amazon, Apple, Google and others—demanding to know "why Fox News, One America News Network and Newsmax are still part of your basic cable programming. You must be aware that they are using your platform to disseminate disinformation."

Eshoo explained "if we want to have true democracy in this country we must have unity of thoughts and expressions. The conservative news sites we single out are trying to turn the tide against true democracy. The notion that truth will emerge from vigorous debate between individuals of different viewpoints is out-dated and naive. Allowing all views freedom of speech is too risky. The voices of evil can be very persuasive. It is the government's duty to silence these voices for the good of humanity. Our letters to the cable providers is the opening salvo in this crucial battle for what President Biden has called "America's soul."

After receiving their copy of the letter, Amazon took the critically acclaimed documentary "Created Equal: Clarence Thomas in His Own Words" off the list of programs its subscribers are permitted to watch. A spokesman for the company explained, "it was pointed out to us that Thomas is not authentically Black. In fact, he is on record questioning many of the views expressed by those who are authentic Blacks. This sows unneeded dissension and works against the unity President Biden is working so hard to achieve."

Pandemic Paves Way to Totalitarianism

Naomi Wolf, a former adviser to President Bill Clinton during his 1996 reelection campaign sees the government response to the COVID pandemic turning America into a totalitarian society. "All across America governors declared emergencies and then proceeded to exert dictatorial control," she asserted. "They told people to stay home. They ordered businesses to close. They encouraged neighbors to spy on each other. These are the kind of rotten policies that dictators have used throughout history to destroy free societies."

"We have even reached the stage where a corrupt alliance of big tech and government is censoring views that question the fear mongering being used to scare people into accepting repression as a necessary measure to save their health," Wolfe added. "This strongly imitates the fascism Mussolini imposed on Italy. The designation of some people as 'essential' and others 'nonessential' is a very totalitarian move. Absurdly, every government employee is automatically deemed essential. The reality is that there are great lumps of unproductive deadwood within every government bureaucracy. These people draw steady paychecks, many of them for doing absolutely nothing of value to anyone."

"Meanwhile, the livelihoods of the 'nonessential' are shutdown," Wolfe continued. "The belated and paltry 'stimulus checks' of a few thousand dollars are a grossly inadequate substitute for the forfeited right to earn a living by honest work as a business owner or employee providing a product or service willingly purchased by customers. I wish my Democrat friends would step back from the abyss they're taking the country into, but most seem so thrilled with the power to get things done that couldn't get done through normal democratic give-and-take and compromise. The monster they have created will, in the end, devour most of them. They will ultimately be given show trials where they confess their sins, are found guilty, and executed by the tyranny they helped create."

midfest.info