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SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: October 25, 2020 Edition

NPR Says Reporting Biden Corruption "Waste of Time"

Recent revelations indicating a long-running influence peddling operation involving Biden family members—including the former Vice-President—would strike most people as being newsworthy. However, most of the mainstream media have been avoiding the topic. However, taxpayer-funded National Public Radio (NPR) has gone even further down the road of denial by declaring it a "waste of time."

Kelly McBride, NPR's public editor, explained that "unlike commercial media we're not in this business for the money. As a publicly-funded operation it is our duty to protect the listening audience from hearing unworthy stories. Trump supporters are touting the actions taken by Hunter Biden and his father as some sort of extraordinary instance of corruption. The reality is that the exchange of money for political favors is a long-standing practice. The majority of the major figures in both parties have had a hand in other similar sordid dealings. It is Trump who is out-of-step."

"The turmoil we are seeing around the nation has been sparked by Trump's attempt to sweep aside norms that have stood since FDR's New Deal," McBride insisted."The whole point of an active federal government is to open up new ways of handling money. The Great Depression proved that the free market system is an inadequate method for determining the distribution of wealth. Allowing members of the governing class to alter the inequitable situation resulting from capitalism is a necessary step toward social justice. Neither Joe nor Hunter Biden should be smeared by undue scrutiny of how they've seized the opportunities opened to them by a more active federal government."

In related news, Joe Biden praised the media "for standing up for truth against the lies being told by Trump. No one has ever said me or Hunter did anything wrong in our dealings with Ukraine or China. The laptop data that indicates Burisma paid for me to help oust the prosecutor looking into their business dealings proves nothing. If this was wrong the media would've jumped all over me. But they didn't. That's my 'get out of jail free card.' Trump's foaming at the mouth over my so-called 'corruption' shows that he knows this. Once I get to appoint the next Attorney General of the United States those who have persecuted Hunter and I will pay the price."

Biden Nails Trump on Fracking Issue

In Thursday's debate President Trump accused Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden of threatening to ban fracking. Eager to demonstrate that he is not the demented shell of a man that some have feared, Biden referred to the IPOD concealed beneath his yellow note pad, read the words sent by his staff, and flatly denied that he said any such thing and dared Trump to "show the video."

Trump promised to post the video on his campaign web page after the debate. Encouraged by this tepid rebuttal, Biden proceeded to clarify his position on fracking by pointing out "it is my intention to totally phase out all fossil fuels by 2025. The clean energy sources that I will mandate—wind and solar—will make fossil fuels unnecessary. There'll be no need for fracking, drilling, refining, and transporting oil or gas."

"My opponent says this will be bad for the economy," Biden recalled. "What he is hiding from voters is the fact that by making fossil fuels illegal a great demand will be created for replacement energy sources and the machines that use them. Your gasoline-powered automobile will be obsolete and need replacing. Gas and oil heated homes will need overhauls to shift to solar and wind power. This will massively stimulate the economy and demonstrate the superiority of greater government regulation and control as the path to prosperity."

"That's a strong statement," Trump replied. "I doubt that forcing a transition to the highly expensive and unreliable so-called clean energy of wind and solar will be the economic dynamo you envision. The wind doesn't always blow and the sun doesn't always shine. In states like California where your ideas have already been tested there are frequent power outages. Imagine how much worse this will get without the possible rescue by outlawed fossil-fueled power. Maybe you look forward to the day when cars are fitted with masts and sails, but I don't think the American people will feel themselves well-served by such lunacy."

In later related debate exchange, Biden rebutted Trump's contention that millions lost their health insurance under Obamacare by pointing out that "they didn't lose their health insurance. They were transitioned to new plans with higher premiums and deductibles and denied the privilege of choosing scaled down plans that failed to cover services like abortion and sex-changes that government determined were essential. Trump spent four years trying to undo these crucial augmentations. I will be building on Obamacare so that no one will be denied the medical treatments that the government decides they need."

Biden Regrets Supporting Muting Microphones

Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden expressed his regret that "the muting of the microphones at the debate didn't go as I thought it would. Before the debate I thought it was a good idea. Giving the moderator the opportunity to cut off my mic when I started to wander off topic could save me from embarrassing myself. It was only later that I realized that Kristen wasn't doing this. She was focused on muting Trump's mic. This saved him from making a fool of himself, but left me dangling in the wind."

"My people are now telling me that I said some dumb things," Biden admitted. "They counted eight times when I used the phrase 'pay the price.' They say this reminds voters of the deals Hunter was making in China on my behalf. Not good. I also apparently promised to eliminate the oil industry and predicted a dark future for America. It seems I really could have benefited from some timely muting of my mic, but Kristen let me down."

A contrite Kristen Welker apologized for "misunderstanding my role. I was concentrating on drowning out Trump's hateful rhetoric. I thought that was what we all agreed on before the debate. At least, that's what Joe's people told me my job was. Judging from all the praise I got from virtually all media outlets after the debate I imagined I had handled things well. If I wasn't, why couldn't Joe have used the same code words 'my time is up' that he used when he recognized he was lost in the Democratic debates? Then I could've cut his mic without fear of being blamed later for interrupting what he was saying."

In related news, Twitter and Facebook have censored the Trump campaign 65 times compared to censoring the Biden campaign zero times during the time both have been running. Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey maintains that "we are only trying to level the playing field. Joe Biden is obviously mental impaired. If we were to take a hands-off approach or to equally censor both campaigns Biden would be at a tremendous disadvantage. The election would be no contest. That would be boring. So we did what they do in handicap horse races and gave the Trump team a heavier load to carry. This way Biden can stay in the race and maybe win it. Anyway, since most of the twits using our platform want Biden to win it's also good for business."

Clapper Makes a Fool of Himself

Former Obama Administration Director of National Intelligence (DNI) James Clapper and 50 other former intelligence officials have signed a letter asserting that the disclosure of the emails and videos on Hunter Biden's abandoned laptop is "Russian disinformation."

"The fact that these emails and such have been verified to have been authored or received by Hunter Biden doesn't change my opinion," Clapper asserted. "After all, Hillary Clinton's emails were real, but we all concluded that the Russians were involved in making them public. They could just as easily be orchestrating the events leading up to the laptop being discovered and its contents revealed."

"Here's how I think they did it," Clapper continued. "First, they get Hunter high on crack. He later spills his beer on his laptop. He takes it to a repair shop and signs a work order authorizing the repair. After the repairman calls to say the work is done the Russians convince Hunter not to pay the bill by giving him a new and better laptop. They know that under the terms of the work order failure to make payment within 90 days will result in forfeiture of ownership. The repairman is then free to do whatever he wants with it. The Russians call him and suggest that he turn it over to Rudy Giuliani, which he does. Logically, I think I've presented an airtight case. My 50 co-signers agree."

"The bottom line is that the knowledge of the Biden's misdeeds has been illicitly discovered," Clapper concluded. "As such, all knowledge of these crimes must be expunged from the record. This is how the crimes committed by Hillary Clinton were expunged by the Mueller investigative team. Deviating from this tried and true protocol at this late date would harm national security by exposing too many high-ranking members of the ruling elite to public scorn. The damage to the nation's reputation would be severe. The laptop should be destroyed and every person privy to its contents must be ordered to forget whatever they have seen."

Current DNI John Ratcliffe called Clapper's letter and reasoning "a ridiculous and harebrained theory. I've seen the contents of the laptop. They are a genuine and damning trove of evidence detailing numerous improper actions on the part of several in the Biden family, including former Vice-President Joe Biden. Further investigation and, potentially, prosecution are warranted."

Schumer Threatens FBI

In a bid to ensure that the FBI continues to cover up the Biden scandal, Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) warned Director Christopher Wray "to resist the temptation to take the case too seriously. Your Agency has been loyally sitting on Hunter Biden's laptop since last December. We appreciate that. Now this Bobulinski character has turned over cell phones he says he used to communicate with the Biden family and that these phones will verify his testimony contradicting Vice-President Biden's profession of ignorance and non-involvement in his son's business activities. We are at a critical juncture in this year's elections. Your next move is of crucial importance."

"Let me remind you that Jill Biden has clearly stated that 'the American people don't want to hear these smears,'" Schumer wrote. "Within a few months Joe Biden will be president. I urge you not to be stampeded into any hasty moves you will later regret. It is okay to give public reassurances that the FBI will handle the matter as it deems best. But there must be no public statements contradicting Biden's assertion that neither he nor any member of his family did anything wrong. As you are no doubt aware, our media allies are in unanimous agreement that this is a non-story. Twitter and Facebook have endeavored to suppress this story from being circulated on their platforms. You don't want to break ranks with this powerful united front. The rule of law is at stake."

Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio) called Schumer's letter to Wray "suspicious. His contention that the rule of law is at stake is true, but not in the way he thinks. My staff and I have independently confirmed some of the content of Hunter Biden's laptop. At best, the transactions described between the Bidens and several foreign businesses and governments raise serious concerns as to their propriety. That the former Vice-President would be involved in schemes to turn his position of influence in the Obama Administration into monetary gains for himself and his family members appears to be an illegal abuse of power. It is Schumer's demand that it be swept under the rug that is the real threat to the rule of law."

Interestingly, the Bidens weren't the only high-ranking government officials participating in the influence-peddling schemes detailed on Hunter Bidens laptop. Luminaries such as Democratic vice-presidential nominee Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif), Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY), Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-Minn), Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif), Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY), Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY), Mayor Bill de Blasio (D-NYC), and former Gov. Terry McCauliffe (D-Va), among others, were also implicated.

Hunter Biden's former business partner Tony Bobulinski says he left the partnership once he realized that "the Biden family aggressively leveraged the Biden family name to make millions of dollars from foreign entities even though some were from communist-controlled China. I want the Biden family to address the American people and outline the facts so I can go back to being irrelevant."

Omar Dodges Debate

Lacy Johnson, the Republican challenger to Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn), complains that "Rep. Omar has been dodging all of my requests to engage in a debate to help voters view both candidates answering questions about the policies they support and how they will affect Minnesotans. She is one of only two holdouts among the state's eight-member congressional delegation—both of them Democrats—who have refused to participate in a debate."

Omar brushed off Johnson's complaint, calling it "the mewling whining of a loser. The fact is that our campaign has discovered that debates are an inefficient method for interacting with voters. We have found that a simple offer of cash in exchange for each vote bypasses the meaningless chit-chat that occurs in debates and gives voters a real and more substantial reason to support my reelection."

In late September Project Veritas released an undercover video showing a ballot harvester for Omar's campaign offering $200 to a voter in exchange for his absentee ballot. The ballot harvester explained that "the honest purchase of votes is very popular among the thousands of Somali immigrants in Rep. Omar's district." He went on to justify the clearly illegal scheme on the grounds that "reelecting Rep. Omar is our only defense against Jews taking over the world."

Whitmer Imitates Gangster

There is a scene in many gangster movies where a mobster threatens an honest citizen in order to extract a payment. This week in an interview with Chuck Todd on "Meet the Press," Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D-Mich) threatened her state's voters, saying "If you're tired of lockdowns, or you're tired of wearing masks, or you wish you were in church this morning or watching college football or your kids were getting in-person instruction, it is time for change in this country, and that's why we've got to elect Joe Biden."

"I know some people will consider my proposition unpleasant and harsh, but in these perilous times the country needs strong leadership," Whitmer explained. "The argument against Biden is that his policies will wreck the economy, raise everyone's taxes, and reduce freedom. They think that by reelecting Trump they will avoid these risks. Well, whether Trump or Biden wins I'll still be here for at least another two years. I can make the lives of people in this state inconvenient, irritating, expensive, and miserable no matter who wins. The deal I'm offering is to go easier on everyone if voters do as I ask and elect Biden as president. So, the question each person needs to ask himself is whether he wants me to really unleash my nasty or whether he's learned enough about how bad I can be over the last seven months that he knows it's better to do what I want him to do."

Todd praised Whitmer's "courageous leadership. Most politicians try to sweet talk the voters, but you tell it like it is. Giving the people the discipline they need rather than giving them what they want takes guts. Trump preaches the anarchy of letting individuals have the freedom to choose how they want to live. You and many other Democrats are showing the people that obedience to the directives issued by government will lead to a more healthy and socially just way of life."

In related news, a Stanford University report: The Cost of Bidenomics found that Biden's tax, health-care, energy and regulation proposals would lower median household income by $6,500 a year by 2030. The Biden campaign called this "a reasonable price to pay for the superior public benefits of the kind a more centrally planned and directed economy and society that a Biden Administration will provide. The added $6,500 that would remain in private hands if Trump's policies are allowed to continue beyond this election would most likely be wasted on frivolous personal spending."

California to Crackdown on Thanksgiving Celebrants

Concerned that the fading severity of COVID might lead residents to disregard common sense safety procedures, Gov. Gavin Newsom has announced strict new rules for Thanksgiving Day celebrations.

"Ideally, people should stay away from each other until COVID is no longer among us," Newsom said. "Individuals dining alone at home would be optimal. However, I am not without mercy. Families and friends may gather for Thanksgiving Day provided the following rules are observed. First, no more than three different households may gather in any one place. Second, gatherings are limited to a maximum of two hours. Third, all gatherings are restricted to outdoors. Fourth, masks must be worn at all times. Fifth, there must be a minimum distance of six feet in all directions between each participant at all times. Sixth, singing and loud talk are forbidden. Seventh, vegan turkey is advised, but not yet required for this year. Participants may go inside to use the toilet, but it is preferred that they relieve themselves outdoors as many residents of San Francisco have been doing for years."

"These rules will be enforced by a vigorous program of police patrols, drone surveillance, and neighborhood tattle tails," the Governor warned. "If multiple cars are seen at a residence, but no one is seen outdoors near the home a presumed violation will be logged and officers dispatched to break up nonconforming gatherings. Failure to disperse will be cause for arrest. Resistance will be met with all due force. We will not allow the people of this state to lapse into a state of disobedience and anarchy. If everyone behaves, I see no reason why we cannot have as joyous a Thanksgiving as is possible during these grim times of the pandemic."

San Francisco Loses Another Walgreens

The Walgreens at Van Ness and Eddy in San Francisco will close November 11. This will be the seventh Walgreens to go out of business in the city since the state decriminalized shoplifting. Walgreens spokesman Phil Caruso says "the shoplifting is so frequent and brazen that we can't keep the shelves stocked for paying customers. There are a lot of elderly in the neighborhood who have relied on this particular store for their meds and other heath products. But thieves have driven the cost of doing business too high for us to be able to survive in this location."

Mayor London Breed acknowledged the loss, but expressed the opinion that "we shouldn't be too quick to condemn the changes to the law that made it possible for the homeless people that are doing most of the stealing to improve their lives. They are humans too. They also have needs and shouldn't be punished for fulfilling them in the only way they can. I, for one, am glad to see that they can live as they like without having to go to jail for taking whatever they need wherever they can find it. Though, I will concede that a better system would be for the government to redistribute property to overcome the inequities of our current capitalistic system."

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