John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

More About: Humor

SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: September 29, 2019 Edition

NY Mayor Takes Hard Line on "Illegal Aliens"

Now that he has dropped out of the race for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio is free to indulge in his favorite pastime—shafting the citizens and residents who fall under his governance. The newest bit of tyranny from the Mayor is the enactment of an ordinance that imposes hefty fines on anyone using the phrase "illegal alien" or the word "illegals."

"We determined that our ongoing policy of shielding accused rapists and murderers from Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents is not enough to discourage attitudes of hostility toward individuals who have entered the country without complying with the red tape prescribed by federal statutes," de Blasio said. "I decided we need to go the extra mile to persuade citizens and legal residents of our city to keep their hostile opinions to themselves."

De Blasio contrasted that "this admittedly moderate and weak deterrent isn't what Lenin did to crush counterrevolutionaries opposed to the transformation of Russia into a socialist state," but justified it as "about as far as we can go for now. Once the Democratic Party has obtained full control of congress and the presidency a more rigorous effort to cleanse the entire nation of errant modes of thought can be implemented."

Dem Calls Trump "Treason" Comment "Treasonous"

House Intelligence Committee Chairman Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) denounced President Trump's suggestion that spying on him by the CIA might be treason. "We should thank our lucky stars that there are people within the federal government who are not intimidated by Trump's election as president," Schiff exclaimed. "The fearless heroes of the CIA and FBI who have diligently worked to undo the tragic results of the 2016 presidential election deserve our thanks and praise. Trump's attempt to portray what they have done in a negative light is despicable."

"Clearly, Trump's request to Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky that his government look into a matter that occurred years ago between then Vice-President Biden and the previous Ukrainian administration is what is really treasonous," Schiff argued. "Trump's attempt to portray the leverage Vice-President Biden utilized to help out his son as a bad thing was an attack on family values. Joe Biden previously lost his eldest son, Beau, to brain cancer. His youngest son, Hunter, was facing a rocky future after being ousted from the US Navy for drug addiction. The millions in consultant fees that Joe helped him obtain from a Ukrainian company enabled Hunter to avoid becoming unemployed and saved the government the expense of having to pay unemployment benefits to Joe's boy. Trump's slander against Joe warrants his impeachment."

The Congressman also espied "a double standard in Trump's actions. Back in 2011 a 'rookie' reporter by the name of Chelsea Clinton snagged a $600,000 a year salary as an NBC 'soft news' specialist. Her salary was four to five times that of other NBC rookie reporters. Trump never challenged this. Everyone viewed it as payback for all the sacrifices her parents had made in their decades of public service. Well, Joe Biden has given America four decades of public service. We should be grateful that he took the initiative to arrange a payback for his lone surviving son. Trump's hypocrisy in these two virtually identical instances is reprehensible."

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton echoed Schiff's charges saying "The president of the United States has betrayed our country. Joe Biden didn't inherit a billion dollars. He, like Bill and I, had to claw his way to the top using every bit of the influence granted by the voters in our political system. This social mobility is crucial to our way of government. Trump's assault on it undermines justice. We must act. He is a clear and present danger to the things that keep us strong and free. I pray that our guardians within the government will be able to save us from this danger."

Former Massachusetts Gov. and current candidate for the Republican presidential nomination Bill Weld agreed with Schiff and Clinton, advising that "we stop tip-toeing around the issue. Trump's phone call was treasonous. He ought to be executed."

A contrasting view was offered by Ukrainian Prosecutor General of Ukraine Viktor Shokin. "I had been investigating numerous instances of potential corruption," Shokin said. "The hiring of Hunter Biden—a man with no expertise in Ukrainian affairs or the energy business interests of Burisma—for essentially a 'no show' job raised my suspicions. The very public demand by Vice-President Biden, who apparently had the full support of President Obama, that my investigation be stopped or crucial financial aid to my country would be blocked was pure extortion. President Poroshenko met Biden's demand by firing me. Biden's later public boasting about how he got me fired confirms my suspicions about the corrupt nature of his son's hiring by Burisma."

Wall Street Warns Warren

Corporate Financiers and big business executives who normally donate to the Democratic Party have expressed uneasiness with the aggressively socialist policy prescriptions of the Party's 2020 presidential contenders. One frightened donor averred that "we can tolerate the Party's longstanding practice of taking a piece of the action on programs that funnel money to our firms, but now it sounds like they want to carve us up like the proverbial golden goose. I don't know how we can continue to fund candidates intent on punishing us."

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) professed herself "untroubled by talk of a corporate reluctance to donate to my campaign. We're keeping meticulous records on who is with us and who is not. I mean to abolish capitalism to achieve social justice. Those who help me win the presidency will earn social credits that may come in handy when the demolition begins. It won't save their unjustified wealth, but it may save their lives. Given the inevitability of our success, I think these guys will be smart enough to accept roles administering the government bureaus and departments that will be needed to run the economy, especially when the alternative will be to find themselves out on the street with no salable skills."

Warren insisted that "my policies will be merciful. I will also cancel all city and state ordinances, laws, and regulations that bar people from living on the streets and in public parks. Displaced employees and business owners will be able to avail themselves of rent-free accommodations in any part of the United States. An added upside will be the significant reduction in the carbon footprint this lifestyle enables."

The Senator also triumphantly cited a Cato Institute and YouGov report--"2019 Welfare, Work, and Wealth National Survey"--finding that 47% of Americans with strongly favorable views of socialism think "citizens taking violent action against the rich is sometimes acceptable" and that 36% of strong liberals and 35% of Americans under 30 agree. "These are the people who will spearhead the socialist revolution and carry me to victory in next year's election," she declared.

Dems Denounce GOP Efforts to "Red Flag" Gang Members

House Democrats bristled over efforts to apply so-called "red flag" laws as a means of disarming violent criminals. House Judiciary Chairman Nadler (D-NY) called the GOP effort "racist and inhumane. The kind of people they want to target live outside the law. These people need guns for their own protection and to earn a living. If you're a gang member you can't expect someone to give you money just because you ask. You have to have the ability to persuade that person to surrender his wallet, watch, or cell phone. Access to a firearm greatly improves the odds of successful persuasion."

Nadler also accused Republicans of trying to divert attention from the fact that "a much larger number of guns are in the hands of non-gang members. The guns in the hands of criminals are a tiny fraction of the total compared to the fraction owned by the general population. The purpose of the 'red flag' law is to give ordinary people the option to have police disarm a suicidal relative or friend. Most people don't know that the number of suicides are almost double the number of murders. We should be focusing on the larger threat to life and not be misled by GOP manufactured hysteria over the lesser evil."

Sanders Calls for "National Wealth Registry"

Democratic presidential contender Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) called for a "National Wealth Registry" to be established as part of his plan to "eliminate billionaires in America. Just as a registry of gun owners is necessary if we hope to confiscate privately owned firearms, a list of who is wealthy must be established so we can transfer this undeserved money to the government for redistribution."

A key part of Sanders' plan includes a ban on taking funds out of the country. "We're not saying that those targeted for expropriation can't leave," he said. "But their money has to stay here so the government can put it to better use than the capitalistic profiteering and selfish greed that have been the primary activities of these social parasites."

The Senator expressed confidence that "the expertise of the IRS and comprehensive surveillance by the NSA will interdict schemes to try to sneak money across the border. We will redirect ICE from the task of keeping people out to keeping people in until they have surrendered all their assets. The walls wrongly built to prevent the needy from claiming their fair share of America's wealth will help ensure that the rich cannot abscond with what doesn't rightly belong to them."

In related news, Sanders called a poll finding showing that 51% of young voters fear that humanity could be wiped out in 15 years "excessively negative. I have long held that humans are the biggest threat to the planet of any species. I have done my part by not fathering any children, that I know of. If everyone had been as insightful and unselfish as me we wouldn't have to fear the extinction of humanity. We'd be well on our way toward achieving it."

Canada Launches Nationwide Manhunt

The appearance of posters asking "what if Islam is not a religion of peace?" has inspired authorities to launch a nationwide search for the person who plastered these posters in a variety of prominent public places. The postings are considered especially insidious because "many are posted too high for offended parties to easily rip down."

The Alberta Muslim Public Affairs Council is working with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police "to try to apprehend the miscreant or miscreants who have done this dastardly deed," said programs director Trent Daley. "They're playing with fire. Muslims are very sensitive to comments that cast aspersions on their faith. The Quran explicitly commands Muslims to attack unbelievers who insult Islam."

Social activist Jim Gurnett asserted that "questioning the tenets of Islam is a manifestation of pure hate that must never be tolerated. Christianity and Judaism have a long tradition of theological debate and disputation that has blinded members of these faiths from seeing the irreversible damage that a similar approach would inflict on Islam. The charm of Muslims is their unquestioning belief in the Quran. Their happiness is dependent on their absence of doubt. Disturbing this is cruel."

Strathcona County councillor Brian Botterill characterized the posted question as "racist" and urged "anyone spotting one of the posters to contact the appropriate authorities. I know that strictly speaking, Muslims are not a race, per se. Perhaps the more accurate term for the poster might be 'anti-Muslim,' but that doesn't have the same emotional impact that the term 'racist' has. If we are going to maximize hostility toward the poster we should not shy away from using the most scurrilous language on account of a fastidious devotion to accuracy."

Schumer Declares: Transcript of Ukraine Call "Not Enough"

Convinced that President Trump would never agree to release a transcript of his July phone call with Ukraine's President Zelensky, Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) was forced to change course when an unredacted copy landed on his desk this week.

"This document does not contain the incriminating evidence we anticipated," the Senator complained. "We are not assuaged. Let me remind everyone that President Trump is known to have made dozens of phone calls everyday. In order to put this one phone call in context we will need to see transcripts of all the calls he has made or received since his election. Only then will the pattern of his criminal and tyrannical abuse of office be exposed to the scrutiny of the American voters."

Schumer rejected objections that his call for transcripts would impede future presidents' ability to conduct confidential conversations with world leaders, saying that "my request is limited to only this president and, possibly, any future Republican president. Democratic presidents have demonstrated that they can be trusted to engage in secret conversations without endangering the country, the Constitution, or our laws. We had nothing to fear when Obama was president and will have nothing to fear when Warren, Sanders, Biden or whoever wins the office in November 2020."

In related news, Rep. Adam Schiff claimed an "ability to read between the lines of the transcript" where he says he discovered the phrases "give him an offer he can't refuse," " it was Barzini all along," and "leave the gun, take the cannoli." "We have a mob boss as our president," Schiff shrieked. "We've got to take this guy out for the good of the country. It's the only way to preserve our democracy."

ppmsilvercosmetics.com/ERNEST/