Kerry Announces Potential Deal with Iran

This week, former Secretary of State for the Obama Administration John Kerry announced that he has negotiated a deal to reduce tensions between Iran and the United States.

"It was tough going," Kerry admitted. "The unrelenting hostility of the Trump Administration toward Iran made that country's leaders very skeptical of the possibility of ever getting to a satisfactory relationship with America. Nevertheless, after weeks of heart-to-heart talks, I was finally able to hammer out a plan to reestablish a path to restore the amicable relationship we had when I was Secretary of State."

"The terms are simple and easily attainable," Kerry said. "All the United States Government has to do to get back on Iran's good side is revoke the sanctions imposed by President Trump, sincerely repent this act of aggression, and bow down to the Iranian Government. This is a small price to pay for the eternal peace that will follow from joining the umma."

Kerry insisted that the terms he negotiated were "not a capitulation. Iran is magnanimously willing to waive the traditional demand of conversion to Islam and will permit a modest annual jizya payment to compensate Iran for the cost of protecting Americans from the righteous slaughter that the Quran prescribes for unbelievers."

CNN's Chris Cuomo called Kerry's initiative "courageous and historic," but was "not optimistic concerning its fate under Trump" because of "the President's racism and hatred toward foreigners. Kerry's deal would essentially reestablish the deal that President Obama previously agreed to. The bowing down performed by President Obama was barely noticeable to most Americans and the jizya payments were very affordable. However, since Trump unilaterally rejected the Obama deal I can't see him coming to his senses now. It will be up to voters to show their support for the previous policies by electing a Democrat president in 2020."

Biden Insists Mangled Story "Not a Gaffe"

A story that former Vice-President Joe Biden tried to tell during a New Hampshire campaign stop in which he got virtually every detail wrong—the time, the location, the act, the medal, the military branch, the rank of the hero, and his own role in the ceremony--"was not a gaffe," he insisted.

"Look, in every war heroic actions are taken by somebody, somewhere, at some time," Biden pointed out. "Does it really matter whether it was a soldier or sailor? Does it really matter what his or her rank was? The point is that medals for bravery are given out and I was at one of these ceremonies during my term as vice-president. This is why voters should support my campaign to be the next president."

The former Veep went on to accuse the Trump campaign of "using this kind of hate speech against me in order to divert attention from his cruelty toward children. In none of his campaign appearances has Trump ever caressed the shoulders, sniffed the hair, or whispered in the ear of any child. He demonstrates indifference toward these young people. I, on the other hand, make sure I give youngsters the attention that shows I have the insight to sense their craving for the type of physical contact that assures them I can be trusted to do whatever it takes to make them feel good about themselves and America."

In related news, candidate for the 2020 Democratic Party's presidential nomination Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren vowed she "won't let Trump get 'handsy' with me in the debates like he did with Hillary in 2016." While there is no evidence that Trump ever laid a hand on Sec. Clinton in any of their televised debates, Warren insisted that "neither is there any evidence that he colluded with Russia or obstructed justice, but we all know that he did. Moral certainty must trump facts when it comes to making as important a decision as who will be the next president of the United States."

Comey Demands Apology

Fired FBI Director James Comey demanded an apology after an Inspector General's report failed to recommend charges be filed against him for illegally leaking confidential FBI memos to the media. While President Trump tweeted that "Comey was thoroughly disgraced by the IG's report," Comey maintains that "I was exonerated. I was also pleased to see that the 'Comey precedent' that was established when I exonerated Hillary Clinton for her careless handling of classified material guided the Department of Justice decision to not press charges against me."

"In a truly just world, I would, like former Secretary of State Clinton, now receive the covert assistance of the FBI, CIA and Department of Justice in an effort to help me win the 2020 presidential election," Comey opined. "If the intelligence community could go so far out of its way to try to elect an outsider like Clinton, they ought be full-throttle in support of one of their own."

Comey denied that his dream of covert intelligence community support for him to be president was unrealistic, pointing out that "Putin was a KGB operative before he became president of Russia. I would think that it should be obvious that not having an experienced member of the intelligence community at the top puts the United States at a distinct disadvantage compared to our chief geopolitical rivals. Overcoming this disadvantage should be our top strategic objective at this point in history."

In related news, it appears that Clinton's careless handling of classified emails resulted in "blind ccs" of 30,000 messages were transmitted to "carterheavyindustries@gmail.com." Carter Heavy Industries is a company operating in China. A spokesperson for Sec. Clinton speaking "off-the-record" explained that "this automatic forwarding of the Secretary of State's emails was part of the Obama Administration's efforts to build a stronger alliance with the Chinese government. Those who want to characterize it as illegitimate are overlooking the fact that it was done with the full knowledge and consent of President Obama."

Sanders Praises China's Progress in Addressing Poverty

Democratic presidential contender Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) praised the Chinese government for making "more progress in addressing extreme poverty than any country in the history of civilization. While it is unfortunate that millions had to die in order to achieve these results, we shouldn't let bourgeois prejudices totally blind us to the positive aspects of their accomplishments. Sometimes harsh methods are required to do hard tasks."

"If a country as backward as China was decides to sacrifice tens of millions of people now so that hundreds of millions may prosper later, can we really say that a wrong has been done?" Sanders asked. "And let's not overlook the environmental benefits of lessening population growth. Every new human life taxes the planet's resources and pollutes nature. Every human life eliminated reduces these evils. I think we should learn from China's experiences, imitate their successes and try to avoid their failures."

"My main beef with China is that it has relied on top-down authoritarian dictatorship to govern," Sanders complained. "I think everyone would be more comfortable with a democratic socialist, bottom-up method of making the kinds of decisions needed. If sacrifices are required the mechanism that I prefer is democratic decision making. If the elected representatives of the people determine that some must sacrifice for the benefit of the collective whole, that is a morally just decision. We can still get to the promised land that Marx predicted, but do it by democratic means. Citizens will more willingly accept democratically arrived at decisions and there will be less need to repress the selfish individuals who resist the march of history toward true communism."

In related news, Sanders lost the vote of San Francisco restaurant owner John Konstin for "being rude and cranky" during a campaign stop at his eatery. Bernie was unmoved by the owner's complaint saying "my being here with my 15 aides brought him a lot of free publicity. I shouldn't also have to be nice to his waiters. It's his obligation to be nice to me. When I'm president he'll wish he were. Presidents have ways of repaying those who help or hurt them after they win an election."

Feces Removal Called "Racist"

The leftist utopia city of Seattle, like its sister cities San Francisco and Los Angeles, has a human feces problem. The homeless encampments that clog numerous public open spaces yield a daily deposit of thousands of new human turds on the streets and sidewalks. Almost everyone is bothered by this. However, a proposal to clean up the mess has been labeled "racist" by Councilman Larry Gossett.

Gossett pointed out that "a disproportionate share of the homeless population are minorities. I wonder if we would be so quick to criticize if these deposits were being made by whites? The power-washing that has been proposed will inconvenience the homeless residents. How many of us on the Council would tolerate city employees coming into our homes and power-washing our bathrooms?"

The Councilman also observed that "using power-hoses to intimidate those demonstrating for equal rights was a key tactic of whites repressing blacks during the 1960s. I think the optics of using power-washing the feces will do more damage to our community than the alleged health threat of open-air defecation ever could."

In an effort to generate a compromise solution, council member Claudia Balducci suggested deploying "social workers to pick up the droppings and carry them away in plastic bags. If dog-walkers can accomplish this task, why wouldn't that work? Beat cops could accompany the social workers to protect them from assaults by the homeless residents."

The City Council was unable to agree upon an approach, citing cost as a major impediment. "This is a national problem, not a local problem," Gossett maintained. "We shouldn't be penalized just because the homeless choose to live in our great city. The feds need to provide funding to offset this cost. If FEMA can send aid for hurricane relief, they can send aid to us."