John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

More About: Humor

SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: March 17, 2019 Edition

Admitted Thief Throws Hat in Race for Dem Presidential Nomination

This week, Robert "Beto" O'Rourke, the Kennedyesque former Texas Democrat Representative and failed Senate candidate, changed course and declared he will run for his Party's nomination in the 2020 presidential election. O'Rourke got his start on the path to politics in his teens as a member of the Cult of the Dead Cow (CDC) during the 1980s.

The CDC financed its activities by pirating software, pilfering long-distance phone service and credit card fraud. The CDC's web site contained a warning saying: "This site may contain explicit descriptions of or advocate one or more of the following: adultery, murder, morbid violence, bad grammar, deviant sexual conduct in violent contexts, or the consumption of alcohol and illegal drugs."

O'Rourke used the pilfered services to post what he called "imaginative fiction" using the pen name "Psychedelic Warlord." One of his stories featured a driver who intentionally killed two children because "they were happy. This happiness was mine by right."

The newest of the growing collection of Democrats running for president described his experiences with CDC as "a good foundation for my career in politics. Many of the issues we advocated for 30 years ago –adultery, violence, bad grammar, deviant sexuality and drug abuse—have become widely accepted mainstream behaviors."

"Given my background and visionary brilliance, I am the world's best chance to stave off the coming climate catastrophe that scientists unanimously agree will occur in 12 years," O'Rourke bragged. "I am the only candidate bold enough to take the severe and painful measures called for in the Green New Deal. Some people will say that I am pirating an idea first articulated by Rep. Ocasio-Cortez. But let me point out that 30 years before she was born I was writing about cows and urging their extermination as a possible means of deterring their farts."

At her weekly press conference, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) was asked to comment on any accomplishments that might recommend his election as president. She responded saying "well, he is a natural born citizen, is more than 35 years old and has lived here for more than 14 years. These qualifications set him apart from the millions of newcomers who will cast ballots to elect our next president."

Meanwhile, the O'Rourke campaign has posted a want ad for volunteers "willing and able to wax his ass and scrub his balls." Campaign spokesman Peter Hynd cryptically explained the bizarre request, saying that "the candidate requires certain personal attentions to look, feel and be at his best."

Congresswoman Suggests Banks Be Nationalized

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif), Chairperson of the House Financial Services Committee, asked Wells Fargo CEO Tim Sloan if the scandals that have plagued his bank "might prove that it is too big to manage. We see a pattern here. Customers have been abused and money has been wasted or misspent. Where's the accountability?"

Waters wondered "whether the idea that banks can be trusted is no longer valid for our modern economy. Greed has gotten us into this mess. Maybe it's time the government steps in to run all the banks and replaces the profit motive with a more socially just way of doing things. Unlike the private sector, the government isn't bound to earn a profit. It can manage businesses free of the constraints of focus on the bottom line. Loans could be given based on need without concern about whether the borrower can make payments. This is how they do it in Cuba and we never hear of any scandals, defaults, or waste there."

New Zealand Terror Attack Blamed on Trump

A gunman who described himself as a "Green Nationalist" and admirer of Oswald Mosley—the leader of the British Union of Fascists in the 1930s—murdered 49 people at two mosques in Christchurch. The shooter's "Manifesto" explained the crime as "a more direct approach to saving the planet from overpopulation" by targeting "a group that is among the fastest breeding segment of humanity." He also expressed admiration of China's one-child policy, but "had to take matters into my own hands because western governments don't have the balls to do what is needed."

CNN was quick to suggest that US President Trump was somehow to blame. John Berman, host of the program "New Day," professed to not blame Trump, but went on to say that "the President is not the killer, per se, but I detect a fear of immigrants similar to what the shooter expressed. And Trump, like the shooter, is white, while most of the victims were brown foreigners."

CNN panelist Joe Lockhart saw a parallel between "the gunman's paramilitary assault and Trump's boast that he has the support of the US Military on his side. I'm not saying that Trump consciously invites anyone to murder immigrants, but couldn't the deranged gunman have thought that he did? Can we afford to absolve an unwitting Trump from all responsibility here? Isn't it our obligation to do whatever we can to silence him?"

Meanwhile, a group of students at New York University conducting a vigil to remember and mourn the victims of the attack assailed a hapless Chelsea Clinton when she dared to join the vigil. They blamed her "Islamophobia" for inspiring the shooter. "You married a Jew," they shouted. "You criticized Rep. Omar for warning everyone about the Jews." Flustered, Chelsea apologized profusely for her "insensitivity" and remarked that "it's so hard to keep up with correct thinking."

Goat Elected Town Mayor

In Fair Haven, Vermont voters have elected a goat named "Lincoln" mayor. In an attempt to explain the unusual outcome, Town Manager Joseph Gunter said he was unsure, but offered some possible motivations. "On the one hand, the goat's name may have played a part in the decision. Lincoln was one of this nation's greatest leaders. Perhaps the name alone inspired confidence."

"On the other hand, voters have elected and reelected Bernie Sanders to the US Senate," Gunter observed. "So, odd choices by the electorate are not entirely unknown in our state. At least the goat hasn't proposed any crazy policies that could embarrass our town."

Testicular Bill of Rights Proposed in Georgia

Angered that the legislature passed a law protecting the unborn from being killed once a heartbeat is detected, Rep. Dar'shun Kendrick (D-Lithonia) has introduced a bill she calls a "Testicular Bill of Rights."

"This will level the playing field by establishing the same kind of regulations infringing upon men's bodies that Republicans have imposed on women's bodies," Kendrick contends. The provisions of her bill include: (1) require men to have their partner's permission before an erectile dysfunction medication can be prescribed; (2) ban vasectomies and punish doctors who perform them; (3) punish men who have sex without a condom; (4) require men to start paying child support when their partners are six-week pregnant; and (5) a 24-hour waiting period for men to acquire porn or sex toys.

While critics see more spite than genuine health issues as the driving motivation behind her bill, Kendrick pointed out that "an abortion kills only one person, but every ejaculation kills millions of potential persons. Laws that focus exclusively on preventing a mother from killing her own baby are unfairly singling out females whose lesser crime pales compared to the mass murders routinely committed by men. It's not as if the fate of every man is not in his own hands. If he always wears a condom the chance he will impregnate any woman is nil. So, any man who religiously obeys section three of my law should be relatively safe from prosecution."

Fellow abortion fanatic Rep. Park Cannon (D-Atlanta) favors a simpler approach and has offered an amendment "that would strike all the complicated provisions of Kendrick's bill and replace them with a single requirement mandating that men turn themselves into the police whenever they release sperm from their testicles."

Former Democratic candidate for Georgia governor Stacy Abrams said she "sympathized with Rep. Kendrick's frustration," but characterized her proposed bill "a joke." Instead, she blamed corporations for not stopping the heartbeat bill from becoming law. "The majority of abortions are performed on poor women," she pointed out. "Preventing these abortions means more mouths to feed and drives up the cost of welfare benefits. I would've thought that businesses would have opposed the new law on fiscal grounds. The few thousands they could've paid to sway the votes needed to kill the bill will now be outweighed by the millions in higher taxes needed to support these unwanted children."

FBI Witness Blames Lynch, Rues Getting Caught

Lisa Page, a key cog in the Obama Administration's conspiracy to derail Trump's campaign and sabotage him after he won the election, testified to Congress that it was Attorney General Loretta Lynch who ordered FBI Director James Comey to exonerate Hillary Clinton for mishandling classified government communications.

For her part, Lynch denied that she explicitly ordered Comey to do anything. "I just passed on the message given to me by Bill Clinton in our tarmac meeting. He said that Hillary really wanted to be president and that anyone who messed that up would regret it, possibly to the point of becoming suicidal. He advised me not to scoff because he's seen it happen many times over the years."

After her testimony Page said she regretted what had happened. "I don't regret doing everything I could to try to rig the election for Hillary. Please make sure that President Clinton knows that. What I regret most is that we failed. What I regret second most is that we got caught. All that blabbing and boasting that Peter and I did via phone texting was stupid. The Mafia has a code of omertà for a reason. We should have abided by it."

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