Sanders Says Unemployment a "Viable Weapon in War against Global Warming"
In Thursday's debate, Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) wowed the Party faithful by promising that "economic dislocation and job losses will necessarily be part of our strategy to combat global climate change. The demise of any business or any individual, for that matter, must be a price we're willing to pay to save the planet."
"Our addiction to prosperity must end," Sanders demanded. "Most of humanity around the globe lives without the conveniences to which Americans have become accustomed. How can we justify luxuries like air conditioning, cable television, and private automobiles when the cost of these items is environmental destruction?"
Sanders vowed to "totally destroy the fossil fuel industry and return this country to the simpler and more frugal lifestyle of an earlier, pre-industrial era. Instead of burning coal or gas to heat our homes in winter, families can huddle together and use body heat for warmth. And if we abolish laws against public nudity in the summer we can let our bodies be air-cooled."
The Senator also pointed out that "public nudity would ease concerns that voyeurs would invade the showers and restrooms of members of the opposite gender for illicit purposes. There would be no need for a pervert to feign a transgender identity to peep at women."
"Jobs are just a means to an end," Sanders reminded. "If we can dial back our obsession with material comforts we may come to realize that unemployment is often a blessing. The gains in leisure time are immense. With the government providing subsistence for all, each individual can rise to pursue a higher purpose than he or she has been able to under a capitalist system that forces so many into wage-slavery."
In related news, Oregon Federal District Court Magistrate, Judge Thomas Coffin ruled that "children have standing to sue the government for failure to take sufficient action to prevent climate change. Nominally, the power to take action is vested in elected representatives. However, children are currently disenfranchised. Since today's children will bear the brunt of any long term consequences of inaction, it is the Court's obligation to remedy this defect in the system. If they can persuasively make the case for remedial measures the Court will order the government to implement such measures."
Reid Wishes Senate Seat Were a "Lifetime Gig"
Though he has opted not to run again, Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) said "I wish I could stay in the Senate until I drop dead. The whole process of having to repeatedly seek voter approval to stay in office is tiresome and demeaning. A senator should be allowed to stay as long as he wants or until he is deposed or executed by the ruling sovereign as was the case in ancient Rome."
Reid opined that "pleasing an emperor or a president is a much simpler task than pleasing the average voter. Think about it. Isn't the voice of one man easier to hear and heed than the millions of voices emanating from the general population? We back the top guy and we get our piece of the pie. It's a clear quid pro quo. Trying to please the general public is far more complex. Some of their demands are mutually exclusive. Pleasing one inevitably infuriates others. It's a no-win proposition."
"It's my fantasy that President Obama would issue an Executive Order converting all senate seats to lifetime tenures," Reid dreamed. "That would be ideal, but I fear it won't happen while I'm alive. Maybe if there's some sort of national crisis like an ISIS attack within the United States the conditions might be right for a 'freeze-in-place' directive extending the terms of all current officeholders until further notice. But I wonder if ISIS is daring enough to initiate the required threat to make this happen."
Whether ISIS cares enough about Reid's dream was thrown into doubt as the terrorist group announced this week that "wiping out" all of India's Hindus—all one billion of them—is higher on their list of priorities for implementing its plan of global conquest.
Bi-Partisan Anti-Encryption Bill in the Works
Senators Richard Burr (R-NC) and Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif) have introduced a draft bill that would effectively bar any private parties from owning encrypted phones, computers, or other devices that are not accessible to government surveillance.
Burr emphasized "the important law enforcement objectives we are attempting to protect through this legislation. Criminals must not be allowed to hide their nefarious schemes from duly appointed police authorities. We cannot protect the general public if police are hampered by the inability to pierce any communication between criminal co-conspirators."
Partnering-sponsor Feinstein alleged that "there is no legitimate need for anyone to insist upon privacy from government oversight. People not engaged in criminal activity have nothing to fear from government listening in on their conversations or reading their communications. Ours is a government of, by, and for the people. It is inconceivable that any honest person would object to sharing whatever they have to say with the government. Enemies of law, enemies of order, enemies of our democratically elected government must not be permitted to hide behind the Fourth Amendment as they work against our interests."
Germany Outlaws Sausages and Sexy Females in Ads
In a move authorities hope will reduce the frequency of sexual assault by Muslim immigrants, the portrayal of sausages and "scantily clad" women (i.e., those without headscarves) in advertisements will be banned.
German Justice Minister Heiko Maas said "the action is a common sense measure designed to protect our citizens from rape and molestation by those from a different culture. In interrogation after interrogation, offenders from Asia and Africa have professed themselves to be irresistibly driven to attack women shortly after viewing ads in which 'uncovered women' or 'uncovered sausages' have been shown. Rather than futilely expecting immigrants to adapt to our norms, we deem it prudent to ban the instigating images."
Chancellor Angela Merkel characterized the measure as "a comprise between a rigid devotion to an oppressive policy of imposing German values on our foreign residents and a total implementation of sharia law. The surest way for women to avoid sexual assault is to not go out in public alone or inadequately garbed. Compared to this severe tactic, eliminating the visual stimulation of sausages and bare-faced females from our advertising spaces is relatively liberal and minimally constraining."
Merkel categorically rejected arguments that "Germany shouldn't have to bow to alien perceptions. How can we teach liberal values if we don't show tolerance for the values of our foreign-born inhabitants? If we remove some of the provocations maybe the rapes will ease up. As the more civilized society isn't it our duty to offer the first concession? Perhaps our generosity will inspire an in-kind response."
In related news, 26-year-old Syrian refugee Iman Ashat set fire to a Sponsheim district hotel because "these German kafirs are disrespecting my superior status by providing substandard accommodations. Allah has said in the Quran that unbelievers must serve the umma." Ashat has been living in the hotel at government expense since he arrived. "It's deficiency," according to him, "is that it's just a single room. Others at this hotel have suites and they're not even Muslim. This injustice is intolerable."
Study Shows Government Less Cyber Secure
A study released by Security Scorecard found that all levels of government had a worse record of cyber security than major business firms. In measures of vulnerability to malware and security breaches, federal, state, and local governments ranked at the bottom. Education, telecommunications and pharmaceutical industries were almost as bad. Information services, construction, food and technology were the best.
Of the 600 government entities tracked, NASA performed the worst. Other low-performing government organizations included the U.S. Department of State. This latter revelation was jumped on by the Hillary Clinton for President campaign as "a total vindication of Secretary Clinton's decision to flout State Department rules and conduct her business on a private computer system housed in a bathroom closet in Colorado."
"Rather than being hounded for going outside of the federal government's procedures, Secretary Clinton should be hailed for heroically taking extralegal action to divert her communications to what research now shows was likely a more secure option," said campaign manager Robbie Mook. "The question is, do voters want a president who will slavishly follow the law? Or do they want someone who is willing to go above and beyond the law when circumstances warrant it?"
President Obama expressed his "hope that this latest revelation will put an end to the pointless probe of Secretary Clinton's email activities. As reckless as her behavior may seem on a proforma basis, the odds are that her communications would have been even less secure on a so-called 'secure' government computer system. She shouldn't be punished for presciently opting out of an inferior system. I agree with Mr. Mook, genius must not be confined within the legal parameters designed for ordinary people. If the GOP and the FBI will not drop their persecution for this very good reason I will give them another: I will fully and unconditionally pardon Secretary Clinton for any and all crimes she may have committed while serving her country."