New Candidate for President Vows to Complete Metric Conversion
This week, former Rhode Island Senator and Governor Lincoln Chafee announced he is seeking the Democratic nomination for president in the 2016 election. A key factor in his decision to enter the race is "to bring the much-needed conversion of weights and measurements in this country into line with the metric system."
"The United States is seriously out of step with the rest of the world," Chafee contended. "When everyone else is using meters and liters it is sheer arrogance for us to be using yards and gallons. It's like we saying 'we're too good to lower ourselves to your level' to the rest of the world. It's a 'stick in their eye' that breeds hostility and feeds the fires of terrorism."
Chafee conceded that "it will seem odd to hear announcers call football games with the coin toss at the 45.72 meter line and the kick-off from the 27.432 meter line. But wouldn't this better than having terrorists fly airplanes into our skyscrapers?"
The candidate emphasized that "I am the only one talking about this issue. Voters who want a uniform global system of measurements will have a clear choice. Do they want to cleave to an archaic and eccentric system? Or do they want to boldly conform to what every other nation is doing? Progress or peril—that's the choice I offer."
President Gives TSA "Vote of Confidence"
Recent field tests indicating that the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) failed to detect smuggled weapons 96% of the time did not deter President Obama from expressing his "continued confidence in the job they are doing protecting our aviation network."
Press Secretary Josh Earnest contrasted the dismal test results with "the absence of any recent real world attacks," saying that "I'd put more weight on what hasn't happened than on what might've happened. Some are saying that we've just been lucky that no terrorists have tried to hijack an airline. But as baseball great Dizzy Dean once said 'maybe it's better to be lucky than good.' America is fortunate it can rely on the President's phenomenal good luck to protect it."
Apprised of the fact that the quote he attributed to Dean was actually said by Lefty Gomez, Earnest was unfazed. "Regardless, the point is that luck beats skill," he asserted. "The last six years proves that."
Carter Slams White Feelings of Superiority
Former President Jimmy Carter denounced white feelings of superiority as "racist residue" during an interview with the American Association of Retired Persons.(AARP).
"Whites who use statistics indicating that Blacks are disproportionately involved in crime or on welfare are making judgments that neglect to consider valid cultural differences," the former President said. "The notion that earning a living is more respectable than subsisting on government benefits is pure prejudice. Logically, accepting welfare rather than submitting to wage-slavery makes perfect sense. Failure to credit Blacks who have made this logical decision reflects poorly on whites."
"As for the higher Black participation in crime, well, what could be more entrepreneurial than leading a gang that undertakes the dangerous trade of smuggling and distributing drugs?" Carter asked. "These enterprising young Blacks must accomplish these tasks without any help from the civil authorities. To the contrary, they are harassed on a regular basis. They have no recourse to the court system to enforce contractual obligations and are left to devise their own enforcement mechanisms."
"If it weren't for incipient racism in this country, we'd be seeing these young men on the covers of Forbes or Time Magazine instead of on wanted posters at the Post Office," Carter complained. "At least we can be thankful that some of our nation's leaders like Baltimore Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake and President Obama are making an effort to turn things around."
New AG Seeks to Federalize All Elections
Contending that "it is shameful that we allow each state to determine its own qualifications for voters," Attorney General Loretta Lynch has proposed new rules that would concentrate all authority over elections under the jurisdiction of her US Department of Justice.
"I know that the Constitution gave states the right to run their own elections, but it also gave Congress the right to alter state regulations if it so chooses," Lynch pointed out. Lynch said she is "especially aggrieved that states get to determine who is and isn't mentally competent to cast a ballot. By what right does any state presume to deny the right to vote based on a contention that a person is too demented? Does a person lose his civil right to participate in selecting who will govern him just because he can't understand the issues or his choices? This seems to be a clear violation of the American with Disabilities Act."
Lynch asserted that "anyone who wants to vote should be allowed to vote. If that person needs help filling out a ballot, well, that's what we pay social workers for. The legislation I am proposing would permit these trained professionals to assist and, if necessary act as a proxy for those in their care, to cast ballots in any election."
Whether Lynch's bill will gain much traction in the Republican-controlled Congress seems dubious. Sen. Thom Tillis (R-NC) expressed skepticism that "ensuring the mentally incompetents' access to the ballot box would improve election outcomes. I think the idea of self-government presumes that voters can act rationally. I don't think it means that we trust social workers to cast ballots on behalf of those unable to comprehend the process."
The AG says she doesn't view Congressional opposition as an insuperable obstacle. "Drafting a bill is merely a courtesy," Lynch declared. "We're giving them an opportunity to be part of the process. If they fail to grasp this opportunity the President is prepared to proceed on his own authority as the nation's Commander-in-Chief."
In related news, candidate for the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination Hillary Clinton called for "the end of all restrictions on voting. A person should be able to vote whenever and wherever they want. Rules requiring registration, or short time frames when ballots may be cast, or limited locations where ballots may be cast or accumulated lower participation rates. There ought to be a free voter 'app' on every cell phone the government hands out."
Senator Wants RICO Prosecution of "Climate Change Deniers"
Arguing that "the threat of global climate change is the greatest crisis we have ever faced," Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse (D-Conn) has called for the Department of Justice (DOJ) to employ the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations (RICO) Act against those who dispute the threat.
"Can we really afford to engage in debate when the world is literally melting right before our eyes?" Whitehouse wanted to know. "Those who try to insert feigned skepticism as a barrier to action are worse than jihadi terrorists. They are shills for the corrupt industries that profiteer off Americans' selfish addictions to comfort and mobility. They must not be allowed to hide their evil designs behind the First Amendment."
"Aggressive action by the DOJ to freeze and seize assets will ensure that funds that could've been used to finance deniers' propaganda can be redeployed for the collective benefit of the global community," the Senator argued. "It will also give pause to anyone contemplating opposition to the steps necessary to combat climate change. Having one's life ruined by government agents and prosecutors is a great deterrent."
Whitehouse brushed aside concerns that crushing political opponents was outside the original intent of the RICO statute. "Arguing 'original intent' is a sterile exercise," he maintained. "Repurposing a statute to meet a new threat shows creativity in evolving new ways of ruling the country. If we want vigorous government we must be flexible in how we interpret old laws."
Congresswoman Touts Mandatory Gun Insurance
Rep. Carolyn Maloney (D-NY) has introduced the Firearm Risk Protection Act—a bill she says will "make gun violence prohibitively expensive." The gist of Maloney's legislation is to require that every gun owner purchase liability insurance covering any injuries or fatalities resulting from the use of their weapons.
"My bill would boost the cost of owning a gun by thousands of dollars a year," the Congresswoman boasted. "This should price firearms out of reach for most people. No longer would owning a gun be a one-time purchase. There'd be continuing annual fees to be paid. The number of persons owning guns should drop."
Maloney rejected arguments that criminals who do the most damage with firearms would scarcely be deterred by the legislation. "We know that trying to fight crime by directly confronting the criminals doesn't work," she claimed. "The point is to deter law-abiding people from buying guns. If they buy fewer guns there'll be fewer guns for criminals to steal. Even if the law-abiding still buy guns, holding their insurers liable for the damages done by stolen guns will incentivize these companies to add more layers of regulations on gun owners."
"Even if we don't deter a single murder, the lower rates of gun ownership we will achieve should reduce the frequency of accidental shootings from insecurely stored weapons in the home," Maloney said. "Since the victims of accidental shootings are more likely to be innocent victims, I think this is a good trade-off."
In related news, in the United Kingdom it is now illegal for a victim of a crime to use any weapon in self-defense. "It's a question of how do you stop the chain of violence," explained Home Secretary Mark Pigeon. "If we say its okay for a person to respond to force with counter force where does it all end? It's better to short-circuit the escalation before we add more casualties."