GOP to Become Party of "Yes"
Incoming Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) brushed off complaints from his Party's conservative wing that his recent actions on the Cromnibus Bill served mainly to enable President Obama's illegal amnesty and fund all of his ill-conceived initiatives—including Obamacare—that Republicans had pledged to oppose if they won the November elections.
"Rather than get bogged down in fighting over every specific policy or program, we are going to rebrand the GOP as the Party of 'yes,'" McConnell said. "People don't like to hear the word 'no.' They prefer to get what they want. If we can communicate the message that Republicans are the ones who say 'yes' to what the people want we can solidify our Party's grip on the majority."
According to the new Majority Leader, "continuing to try to stave off amnesty or socialized medicine are lost causes. It is clear that regardless of what the law says, President Obama is going to allow immigrants to enter the country illegally. He is going to give them documents that will enable them to get jobs if they want them or to collect welfare if they don't. He is going to get them registered to vote and to the polls on election day. There is nothing we can do to stop this."
"But if we can persuade all these newcomers that the GOP can do a better job of giving them everything they want we will woo them over to our side and thwart the Democrats' plans for dominance," McConnell explained. "By saying yes to the trillion dollar continuing resolution even when we didn't have to, I think we earned crucial street cred with Latino voters. As we demonstrate to this cohort that we can give them everything that the President has promised we will eradicate any need for them to vote Democrat."
Rangel Decries "Dead Cops" Slander
Rep. Charles Rangel (D-NY) contended that claims that police brutality protesters chanted "we want dead cops" are "a slander against Black people." This is despite video and audio evidence that appears to verify the claim.
"To my ears, these protesters are saying 'we want dread cops,'" Rangel maintained. "Some of us may not have the strongest skills with the English language or be very good with our elocution, but in my heart I can't believe that my people would call for bloodshed."
In Rangel's view it makes more sense that the demonstrators were calling for "dread cops, because dreads are worn by peaceful folks and what the Black community is asking for is peace between the races." Rangel dismissed the vandalism that has accompanied many of the protests as "outbursts of exuberance that ought not blind us to the pacific objectives of our effort."
The Congressman suggested that "if a pool of money could be set up to fund the aspirations of Black America these types of street actions wouldn't be necessary. If every family's needs were attended to, if they all had nice homes, if they had enough food, satellite TV, and cell phones there'd be no need for them to take their anger out into the streets."
Song Mocking Michael Brown Spurs Investigation
The disclosure that a song making fun of Michael Brown—the young man shot by Ferguson police officer Darren Wilson last August—was played at a party at an Elks Lodge in Glendale California has inspired the Los Angeles Police Department to open an investigation.
"Michael Brown has become an icon of the Black Community," LAPD information officer Jesus Santos asserted. "Many see him as a martyr who died defending the rights of their race. White people have no right to mock him. We need to find out who is behind this song and bring him or her to justice."
Santos speculated that "justice for what is obviously a 'hate crime' could entail a stretch in prison and millions of dollars in damages for slandering the thousands of demonstrators whose refusal to abide by rules they did not make was a target for ridicule in the song's lyrics."
Shekeela Kopps, co-chair of Hands Up, Don't Shoot's California chapter, hailed the LAPD "for finally seeing the light. The Black people of this country have grievances. Michael Brown had grievances that he tried to rectify through personal initiative. He had as much right to those cigars as the shopkeeper who tried to extort money from him. He had a right to walk in the street. He had a right to defend himself against police oppression. That he was shot down for trying to exercise his rights was a crime that white society refuses to punish."
"That song is disrespectful," Kopps charged. "Not only does it portray Michael as a thug, it also belittles the efforts of those who have sought to mourn and honor him by smashing the oppressors and liberating the merchandise they withhold from us unless we pay their price."
FDA to Announce Ban on Sprinkles
Though the amount of trans fats in the sprinkles that are used to adorn donuts and ice cream cones is extremely low, the Food and Drug Administration is determined to eliminate these items from the food chain.
"There is no good reason why anyone should consume these non-nutritional pollutants in our food supply," said FDA nutrition expert Harley Sain. "The donuts and ice cream cones where sprinkles are usually found are bad enough on their own without this worthless addition."
Sain admitted that "if it were totally up to me, we'd be banning the donuts and ice cream, too. No one needs to eat these to survive. The world would be healthier without them. Removing them from the diet is more of a long term goal. We need to move in increments that won't stir up too much opposition. As people gradually become more accustomed to greater government control over what they are allowed eat we can take larger strides toward a perfectly calibrated diet for all."
In the meantime, "if the lack of sprinkles deters only one person from consuming a donut or ice cream cone, well, that's a fringe benefit that no one could reasonably oppose," Sain added.
Administration Expert Calls for Zero CO2 Emissions
White House Science Adviser John Holdren declared that "the global goal should be to strive for zero carbon dioxide emissions by the year 2100." He also warned that "it won't be easy."
One of the factors adding to the difficulty is that every living creature exhales CO2 as an essential function of being alive. The seemingly simple solution of exterminating every living thing is complicated by the emission of greenhouse gases—including CO 2—from decaying corpses.
Despite these looming difficulties, Holdren says he is "optimistic that ways around these impediments will be devised before we get to 2100. If the exhalation of CO2 could somehow be captured, maybe by encasing every person in some impermeable substance like those prehistoric insects trapped in amber, I think it could be done."
Holdren predicted that "the political viability of this final solution to the problem of climate change is enhanced by the fact that everyone currently in a position to set the process in motion will be long dead before we get to 2100. Those too young or not even born yet can do nothing to stop us if we implement irreversible processes toward this objective within the next decade or so."
Judge Throws Out Suit Against Obama's Illegal Immigration Action
Judge Beryl Howell of the U.S. District Court for the District of Columbia threw out Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio's lawsuit against President Obama's executive action on immigration. In the suit, the Arizona sheriff contended that Obama lacked the legal authority to unilaterally revise immigration law.
Howell refused to consider the merits of Arpaio's case, ruling only that he lacked standing to file suit. "The plaintiff has failed to prove he has been damaged in any way by the alleged illegal act," she ruled. "Until he has personally suffered some sort of tort, until he has been physically harmed or his property stolen, the Sheriff has no grounds for suing the President."
The Judge denied Arpaio's argument that as a law-enforcement official he had standing to intervene on behalf of the citizens he is responsible for protecting. "It is a well-established principle of law that the state and its officers have no legal obligation to protect any citizen," Howell pointed out. "The voluminous data on crimes committed by illegal aliens in Arizona do not alter this principle of law."
Further, Howell admonished Arpaio for "blatant insubordination. When the President takes action it is every citizen's duty to cooperate and obey. If we allow subservient members of society to object, we invite disorder and chaos. Mr. Arpaio should consider himself lucky that the President has restrained himself from taking the harsh punitive measures that the Sheriff's disobedience would appear to warrant."
NYC Mayor Blames Media for Disrupting Unity
New York Major Bill de Blasio lashed out at the media for disrupting the City's unity. "While I have been working diligently to convey an image of solidarity between myself and those protesting against police brutality, the media have introduced divergent perspectives that now threaten what I've sought to achieve."
The "divergent perspective" seems to be the idea that murdering police officers is an illegitimate method of protest against perceived racial inequities in law enforcement.
"Police knowingly undertake jobs that are inherently risky," de Blasio said. "Still, when all the numbers are tabulated, the police suffer fewer casualties than they inflict. We shouldn't allow an emotional response to the recent execution of Officers Liu and Ramos by a self-appointed avenger to obscure this reality."
De Blasio suggested that "the media should look to the City's elected officials and me, specifically, for the appropriate slant on an issue of such importance. It has been done this way in Cuba for the last 50 years and we never see their media casting the government in a negative light."