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SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News, May 19, 2013 Edition

Attempt to Morph “Bad Luck” into Scandals “Unfair,” Says Carney

President Obama's Press Secretary Jay Carney bristled at the suggestion the Administration is embroiled in three major scandals. “What scandals?” Carney demanded to know. “The President has been giving his utmost to this country and now people are trying to package a run of bad luck into a series of scandals? It's unfair.”

The “run of bad luck,” as Carney sees it, is “a media that is paying undue attention to relatively minor screw-ups by low level employees. Rather than being lauded for his efforts to employ a broader range of the 'differently- abled,' the President is now pilloried for the missteps of a few unworthy servants. It's the greatest miscarriage of justice I've ever had the displeasure of seeing.”

To bolster his case, Carney pointed to outgoing IRS Commissioner Steve Miller assessment that the targeting of conservative groups “were foolish mistakes by well-meaning staffers who independently over reacted to President Obama's characterization of his political opponents as 'enemies' with 'nefarious plans' against this country. And let's not forget that Commissioner Miller pointed out that targeting conservative groups for extra scrutiny and rigorous enforcement is purely a matter of discretion. There is no law that says the IRS cannot use whatever criteria it deems useful in selecting how to focus its energies.”

Carney added that a report from CBS' Sharyl Attkisson citing undisclosed sources within the Obama Administration laid the blame for the Benghazi mess on “the idiocy of key personnel” “also lends support to the idea that the President is, perhaps, the biggest victim in this unfortunate incident. We'll grant that others may have suffered, but he has clearly suffered more.”

The third scandal involving Administration efforts to impede freedom of the press by tapping phone lines was attributed to the Department of Justice's “uncomprehending stupidity.” “The media are our allies in the movement for progressive causes,” Carney contended. “The President knows this. That, by itself, must exonerate him from any responsibility for any intimidation that may have resulted.”

When you look at the big picture, it's indisputable that no previous president has been so ill-served by those under him,” Carney complained. “President Obama has been kept in the dark by a virtual conspiracy of incompetent and possibly malicious forces. His perseverance under such circumstances can only be seen as heroic. Instead of talking about impeachment Congress ought to be creating expanded powers for him so he will have the latitude he needs to right the ship of state.”

Carney's vision of an embattled president beset by bad luck and worse underlings was endorsed by House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) who accused the GOP of “concocting bogus allegations against the President as a means of distracting the voters from his unparralleled greatness. The ones we should be investigating are the disloyal employees who have turned on their own government for self-aggrandizement as so-called whistle blowers and the members of the media who give credence to their false narratives.”

In related news, Sarah Hall Ingram, the IRS official who ran the operation targeting conservative groups has been promoted to head up the IRS Affordable Care Act Division where she will oversee enforcement of the provisions of Obamacare. Ingram says she relishes “the opportunity to inject a much needed attention to the 'social justice' element as a major determinant for allocating scarce health care resources.”

Planned Parenthood Ad Campaign Breaks New Ground

Planned Parenthood's new advertisement asserting that aborted babies will thank their would-be mothers evidences a shift to macabre honesty in the organization's messaging.

There's nothing worse for a child than being unwanted,” claimed PP spokeswoman Adora Slaughter. “Add to this the burdensome tedium of motherhood and you have a formula that maximizes unhappiness. Abortion rescues all the participants from this fate.”

Previously, we have invested almost all our energy on advising women to carefully consider the responsibilities they could avoid by aborting a potential child they don't want,” Slaughter said. “I mean, having a baby you don't want is like an 18-year sentence to hard labor. There's the pain of childbirth, then the feeding, diapering, and constant supervision that tells a woman 'your life is not your own.' But anti-abortion agitators have been making inroads advancing a 'benefit to the child' line of argument. Our new campaign is taking that argument on and refuting its false logic.”

Studies show that unwanted children are more likely to be victims of parental neglect and abuse,” Slaughter observed. “Worse yet, many of these neglected and abused children go on to lives of crime and degradation. Our new ad urges expectant mothers to weigh these negatives before being emotionally seduced into a misguided notion that going to term with an unwanted pregnancy is somehow more humane than a quick abortion. The gratitude of both a child spared an unworthy life and a society relieved of its consequences merit consideration.”

Slaughter dismissed the possible suffering of the aborted baby as “gruesome, but mercifully brief. Being dismembered in the womb is over in a matter of minutes. Even if the fetus can feel pain it is momentary compared to the full lifetime of pain that the unwanted child must face. No, abortion is the kinder choice.”

In related news, the conviction of Kermit Gosnell for murdering three babies who survived his attempt to legally abort them inspired Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) to call for more federal aid to fund abortions. “As it stands, the most remunerative fields for doctors are neurosurgery and cardiology, so that's where the best talent goes,” Reid said. “If there were a bigger payoff for performing abortions we'd get doctors with the skills to legally kill the fetuses before they emerge from their mothers' bodies. Then they wouldn't have to be stabbed to death by clumsy incompetents like Gosnell.”

Key Dem Says Government Unmanageably Big

Presidential adviser David Axelrod sought to deflect blame for the scandals swirling around President Obama by pointing out that “as it stands today, government is unmanageably big. The responsibilities and scope of action are so enormous that no human being or even team of humans could possibly govern effectively.”

Axelrod hastened to clarify that “I'm not joining the ranks of the 'smaller government' crowd. That would be irresponsible. Government has a moral obligation to meet the needs of the people. It can't shirk this obligation just because its attainment is impossible.”

The very impossibility of the task was held to be further proof by Axelrod that “we must maintain course. The President may be scorned, but he is the only one who can be trusted to continue to push for this agenda no matter how hopeless and to strive with his last ounce of courage no matter how unreachable the goal. I can think of no one else who could replace him.”

Failing to achieve an impossible dream is, in my opinion, much to be preferred over succeeding in a more modest endeavor,” Axelrod argued. “A glorious failure will be remembered long after a hundred modest successes are forgotten by our historians. There is no one more suitable than President Obama if our era is to be a memorable one.”

In related news, Press Secretary Jay Carney rejected comparing Obama to Nixon. “Look, Nixon wimped out,” Carney said. “He said he didn't want to put the country through the pain of an impeachment proceeding. President Obama will not resign no matter what. He will, like President Clinton, hang tough. With a Democratic majority in the Senate there's no way the GOP can convict him. The idea he can be held accountable is DOA.”

New Speech Rules Expand Sexual Harassment Offenses

A new set of rules imposed on educational institutions by the US Departments of Justice and Education threaten to make every student vulnerable to charges of sexual harassment. The new rules condemn “any unwelcome conduct of a sexual nature.”

Examples of offenses include Joe asks Sue for a date. Sue regards this request as unwelcome conduct of a sexual nature. Mike overhears two classmates privately denigrating homosexual behavior. Mike regards this as unwelcome conduct of a sexual nature. Persons engaged in this unwelcome conduct are liable to be penalized.

US Secretary of Education, Arne Duncan acknowledged that “such a broad net will entrap students in what most people would consider either innocent social interactions or protected free speech. If this sends a message that deters students from dating or engaging in salacious conversations is that really so bad? Students should focus on their studies. Dating detracts from that. And discussions on topics of a sexual nature should not be conducted in places where they can be overheard.”

Schools that are insufficiently zealous in enforcing these new rules may forfeit federal aid. “I know the penalties that could be levied against academic institutions sound harsh,” Duncan admitted. “But we consider the issue to be serious enough to warrant taking a stern hand in what is said and done in schools receiving our support.”

Duncan professed indifference to the negative impact this might have on the desire to attend college. “I recently read that 85% of those going to college are wasting their time and money anyway,” Duncan recalled. “So, maybe booting out a few for unwelcome conduct wouldn't be such a tragedy. If others are discouraged by one more hassle they have to face in school maybe they'll get jobs and start paying the taxes government needs.”