IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS: A Satirical Look at Recent News, Best of 2012 Edition

Jan 8

Chevy Volt among Worst Product Flops of 2011

Pitched to the American voter as the vanguard of a “greener” future, the heavily subsidized Chevy Volt was dubbed one of the worst product flops of 2011 by Yahoo Finance's 24/7 Wall Street site.The low sales volume—an estimated 8,000 vehicles for 2011 (all of which are currently under recall notices to correct defects)--has made the effective unit cost for each car amount to around $250,000.

Representative Hansen Clarke (D-Mich) insists that “despite the reluctance of the American driver to buy these cars we must not falter in our efforts to make them understand the necessity for government's role in ensuring the Volt's survival. It's not just about dollars and cents. Sure there are cars that get better mileage and have superior performance characteristics, but our government is backing the Volt. If we want to be good citizens and patriotic Americans we need to put the government's choice ahead of our own selfish preferences.”

United Autoworkers Local 22 President, George McGregor, argued that “people who are loyal to the President will put the good of the country ahead of their own private interests. Just because you can buy a better car for less money shouldn't deter you from getting behind the President's push for the Volt. Jobs are at stake. Isn't that more important than whether your personal vehicle is the best value?”

Whether increased sales of the Volt would have a significant impact on jobs within the US is in doubt. General Motors is reportedly planning on moving production of the vehicle to China.

Jan 15

DOJ to Investigate Project Veritas

The latest venture of James O'Keefe's Project Veritas may have gotten Attorney General Eric Holder's attention. In an effort to prove how easy it might be to fraudulently cast a ballot on behalf a dead voter, Veritas volunteers entered precincts in New Hampshire, gave the name of recently deceased persons, and were handed ballots.

Though no ballots were actually cast by any of the volunteers, the ease with which they could have been revealed the vulnerability of the system to vote fraud. Volunteers' offers to show ID were mostly waved off as “unnecessary” by poll workers.

Calling the Project Veritas expose “an unauthorized invasion of our sacred voting process,” Attorney General Eric Holder vowed to “spare no effort in purging our system of these unwanted escapades. The responsibility for policing voting practices belongs to Party officials and law-enforcement agencies like the Department of Justice. We can't allow publicity seeking outsiders to taint the process.”

Holder characterized the threat that unscrupulous persons might use the methods tested by Project Veritas to influence the outcome of any given election as minuscule. “Most elections are decided by margins of thousands of votes,” Holder pointed out. “Project Veritas only got a handful of undeserved ballots.”

The Attorney General also said he wasn't convinced that a person casting a ballot for a recently deceased voter was necessarily a bad thing. “We carry out the wishes of the dead all the time,” Holder asserted. “Who's to say that a person casting a ballot for a departed loved one is wrong to do so? Maybe casting that vote is part of the grieving process. Should we really be so eager to attribute criminal intent?”

Jan 22

Dems Float “Reasonable Profits Board” Idea

A half-dozen House Democrats led by Representative Dennis Kucinich (Ohio) introduced a bill that would establish a new government agency aimed at insuring that no one makes an unreasonable amount of profit. The bill—the Gas Price Spike Act, H.R. 3784—is initially focused on excessive profits from oil and gas production.

It's not that the oil and gas industry is the only one ripping us off,” Kucinich said. “It's just that we had to start somewhere. Right now, we think there's enough anger and envy toward this industry that people will more readily accept the idea of a government bureau to control their profits.”

Kucinich maintained that “ideally, the amount of money anyone should be allowed to take from the common pool of society's wealth should be subject to government oversight. Just because a person is luckier, smarter, or more ambitious doesn't mean he has the right to take more than everyone else thinks is his fair share. The common good requires that everyone contribute to the best of his ability so there will be sufficient output to meet everyone's needs. We are our brother's keeper. It is government's duty to enforce this moral obligation.”

As written, the bill would impose taxes of up to 100% on all “surplus earnings.” The bill's co-sponsors include Democratic Representatives John Conyers (Mich), Bob Filner (Calif.), Marcia Fudge (Ohio), Jim Langevin (R.I.), and Lynn Woolsey (Calif).

Jan 29

State of the Union: President Says Higher Taxes, More Spending & Regulation Needed

Three years of failure failed to blunt President Obama's enthusiasm for more of the same policies that have yet to show a positive influence on the nation's economic health.

Despite the fact that both economic logic and historical experience argue that higher taxes discourage the investment that is essential to economic growth and the creation of jobs, President Obama vowed to push for higher levies on investors as part of his “recovery program.” “It's not fair that some have more than others,” the President said. “All should share equally in the Earth's bounty. It is the government's responsibility to ensure that an equitable distribution is effected. Individual selfishness must not be allowed to triumph.”

Raising taxes on the successful was also cited as a mechanism for funding much needed “social investment.” “Private sector investment decisions are driven by profit,” Obama observed. “Public sector investments are driven by need. The more resources we can extract from the private sector to use for public projects, the more needs we will be able to fulfill. Vital public interests in green technology, transportation, and education shouldn't have to suffer just because customers are unwilling or unable to pay for them.”

The President assailed the “anarchy of private decision-making” as “the third major obstacle we need to overcome on our march toward social justice. We can't afford to allow the owners of so-called private property to have such a wide latitude for their actions. All property really belongs to all the people. It is up to the government to provide the guidance necessary to guarantee that all property is used in the most beneficial way.”

In related news, First Lady Michelle Obama rejected suggestions that the $2,000 dress she wore to the State of the Union Speech conflicted with her husband egalitarian political message. “Historically, the common people have always enjoyed a vicarious pleasure from the displays of opulence by their rulers,” Michelle contended. “No matter how badly things may be going for them personally, they are assured that the nation is prospering.”

Feb 5

President Claims “Jesus Would Vote for Me”

In a bid to capture the evangelical vote, President Obama boldly asserted that his programs are based on the teachings of Jesus and that “if he were alive, Jesus would vote for me.” Obama's remarks were made this past week at the National Prayer Breakfast in Washington.

Jesus instructed his followers to render unto Caesar what is Caesar's,” Obama recalled. “What could more clearly be Caesar's than money. Money is issued by the government. Both in Jesus' time and now, money has been adorned with the likenesses of governing officials. God's will is plain: money and its distribution is the within the scope of government's authority. Opposition to this is what is ungodly.”

Not only is government control over the distribution of money in accord with God's commandments, it also aids in the salvation of those it dispossesses the President contended. “Look, Jesus told us that it would be easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into heaven,” Obama said. “So, by relieving the wealthy of their excess money, the government would also be helping them get into heaven.”

Jesus also said that to whom much is given, much shall be required,” Obama remembered. “A society in which everyone does what he is able to do and in return receives what he needs would implement this ideal. Turning this ideal into a reality is my ambition for America.”

The President's supporters in Wisconsin sought to assure him that Jesus would, in fact, be voting for him in their state come November. Bolstering their confidence was the appearance of Jesus' signature multiple times on the petition to recall Republican Governor Scott Walker.

In related news, Saying that the $16 trillion national debt is “hampering the government's fiscal flexibility,” President Obama suggested “privatization might prove a way out from under this load.”

Under the plan, each person in America would be issued a prorated share of the debt (about $49,000 apiece). “Those that could afford to pay would pay,” Obama said. “Those who couldn't would file for bankruptcy and have the debt expunged. The government would have a debt-free balance sheet for the first time in our nation's history.”

Feb 12

White House Dictates Compromise on Contraception Mandate

In an effort to quell rising opposition to its mandate for all employers to provide contraceptive coverage in healthcare benefits to workers, the White House issued a directive that it maintains “ends the discussion.” Under the directive insurers would be required to provide this coverage “free of charge” to employers.

By putting the onus on the insurers we've given the Catholic Church 'plausible deniability,'” said Press Secretary Jay Carney. “The Church itself will not be formally linked to the provision of services that it says violate its religious beliefs. No court can hold it culpable. The responsibility has been taken out of their hands.”

Carney further argued that “the insurers should be willing to comply because preventing births, by whatever means, reduces medical expenses. Birth control pills, condoms, abortifacients—all cost less than bearing, birthing, and raising a child. And that's just the cost of medical expenses. When you add in the cost of food, clothing, education, and entertainment, it's clear that every child brought into the world brings along a significant lifetime burden for both the parents and society. Reducing these costs is the President's goal.”

Whether opponents of President Obama's “compromise” will be mollified is questionable. Representative Chris Smith (R-NJ) called the so-called compromise “a ruse riddled with doublespeak and contradictions. Contrary to the President's thinking, there are people in this country that take religious and moral obligations seriously. They cannot be bought off by a stratagem designed to give them 'plausible deniability.'”

The President's critics were “advised to accept the proffered compromise while it is still available,” Carney cautioned. “The President is not disposed to allow religious zealots to impede a woman's access to essential health services. He will protect this fundamental right by whatever methods are available to him.”

In related news, the American Civil Liberties Union sided with President Obama's position on this issue. “The fundamental promise of religious liberty in this country doesn’t give one a right to refuse to pay for the health care needs of others,” ACLU spokeswoman Alicia Gay insisted. “So-called Freedom of thought is not the issue. People may continue to think whatever they want. But they must also obey the laws laid down by the President.”

Feb 19

Congresswoman Clarifies Who Is Entitled to Impose Values on Others

The recent flap over the Obama Administration's edict that all employers must provide birth control, including abortifacients, as part of heath insurance benefits for employees has given us a “teaching moment,” says representative Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (D-Fla).

We have established the fundamental principle that employers may not force their views on employees by refusing to cover the costs of birth control measures,” Wasserman-Schultz crowed. “The days of employer oppression of employees are over. The government has stepped in to defend the working class.”

The Congresswoman dismissed complaints that the Obama Administration's move wrongfully violates individuals' rights to act in accord with their own consciences. “We had an election in 2008,” she pointed out. “Obama won that election. He has a mandate from voters that overrides the supposed individual right to freedom of conscience. This is what democracy is all about.”

In contrast, employers have no mandate to decide what they will or won't pay for if elected authorities say otherwise,” she continued. “Obligations to invisible deities or claims of purported 'inalienable rights' cannot be used to set aside one's responsibility to obey the laws laid down by our President.”

In related news, a quartet of Senate Democrats denounced a Republican initiative aimed at protecting the “right of conscience” to not be forced to participate in a government program that they believe to be morally wrong. “We can't have people deciding for themselves whether they ought to be required to participate in funding someone else's birth control or abortion rights,” declared California Senator Barbara Boxer. “This would put anarchic individualism ahead of social welfare. It would set the country back 200 years.”

Ironically, it was a little over 200 years ago that the First Amendment to the Constitution barred the government from interfering with an individual's right of conscience.

Feb 26

Over a Million US Families Living on Less than $2 a Day

A US Census Bureau study indicated that an estimated 1.46 million families in the United States are now living on less than $2 per day. This is more than twice as many as the estimated 636,000 families that were living at a like standard in 1996.

Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius hailed the report as “a tribute to the affirmative steps taken by this Administration to lower the cost of living. Critics have been quick to harp on the negatives of high unemployment, declining wages, and falling home values as if that were the total picture. We're hoping that this study opens peoples' eyes to the other side of the equation.”

Also, let's not discount the environmental benefits of living on less,” Sebelius urged. “The more people we can get to live like this the less our economy will have to produce. That means fewer smoke-belching factories and less road traffic. A lower need for materials means we can stop raping nature and return more land to a wilderness status. And let's not forget the gains in leisure time attained by every person that no longer has to work to produce the excessive amount of unnecessary stuff that a so-called affluent society demands.”

That minorities make up a disproportionately large fraction of those living so parsimoniously was held to be encouraging by the Secretary. “These are the fastest growing segments of the population,” she pointed out. “The trend foretells of a future where the majority will live as frugally as only a minority does now.”

Mar 4

President Rallies to Defend Woman's Reproductive Rights

President Barack Obama waded into the controversy sparked by Sandra Fluke's testimony before a congressional committee hearing on the mandate requiring all insurers to provide reproductive services—including birth control pills, condoms, and abortafacients—free of charge. At issue is Fluke's contention that she shouldn't be forced to pay for these services out of her own pocket.

Radio commentator Rush Limbaugh lampooned Fluke's claim that she couldn't afford to pay. “Ms. Fluke makes no case that her participation in sexual activity is involuntary,” Limbaugh said. “Her need for birth control or an abortion is within her sphere of discretion. She seems to be saying that taxpayers, employers, or insurers—anyone besides herself—must be compelled to finance her recreational sex.”

President Obama responded, saying, “I am appalled by Limbaugh's harsh treatment of this young woman. Limbaugh and his right-wing cabal are attacking Ms. Fluke's human rights, insisting that she must bear the consequences of her own actions at her own expense. This is pure selfishness on display.”

I believe our nation is at a crossroad where we need to decide whether personal freedom or individual greed will prevail,” Obama continued. “Should a person's freedom be curtailed by fear of the possible financial cost of choices he or she might make? Or should society pitch in and liberate us all from such fears? I think everyone knows where I stand on this issue and I'm confident that voters will recognize me as the kind of champion of human rights they want wielding all the powers the Presidency offers in this cause.”

In related news, the National Organization for Women (NOW) demanded that Limbaugh be banned from the airwaves for this latest assault on women's rights. “For years Limbaugh has belittled those of us standing up for women as 'feminazis,'” asserted NOW President Terry O'Neill. “This latest escapade is part of a pattern of abuse that must be silenced once and for all. We call upon his sponsors—Clear Channel Communications—to pull the plug on Limbaugh before the FCC (Federal Communications Commission) is forced to take action.”serious intimidation. But two guys with clubs outside a voting booth—give me a break, that’s nothing.”

Mar 11

Senator Demands Limbaugh Be Dropped from Armed Forces Network

Senator Carl Levin (D-Mich) demanded that the Armed Forces Network stop carrying Rush Limbaugh's show. “Our troops shouldn't be exposed to the barrage of criticism of their Commander-in-Chief that is spewed out by Limbaugh on a daily basis,” Levin said. “It foments disobedience and disloyalty.”

As evidence, Levin cited Marine Sergeant Gary Stein's Facebook page called Armed Forces Tea Party Patriots. “The Tea Party is a threat to our government,” Levin maintained. “Men like Sergeant Stein may be called upon to suppress this threat. Yet, this Facebook page raises serious questions about where his loyalties may be.”

The Senator specifically took issue with Stein's call for fellow armed service members to refuse to follow unlawful orders. “How is some grunt or jarhead supposed to know which orders are unlawful?” Levin asked. “We can't have individual soldiers making up their own minds. They just need to obey their superiors.”

Levin was unmoved by the argument that Nazi troops who committed atrocities in World War II professed to be “just following orders.” “In war both sides engage in questionable deeds,” Levin observed. “Winners get to write the post-war rules and history. Losers can be made to pay for their crimes. The only thing our troops should be thinking about is how to make sure they are on the winning side when it's all over.”

Mar 18

Attorney General Explains His Opposition to Voter ID Laws

Obama's Attorney General Eric Holder continued his battle to prevent states from requiring voters to show photo identification before they are permitted to cast ballots.

That the US Supreme Court has already held that voter ID laws are Constitutional makes no difference says the AG. “I don't need some court to tell me what's right and what's wrong,” Holder exclaimed. “It's something everyone who's grown up Black just knows by instinct.”

Holder made short shrift of arguments based on the ubiquity of requests to show photo IDs in order to buy beer, enter a public building, rent a movie, board a plane, open a bank account, or check into a motel. “None of those activities are fundamental to the functioning of our democracy,” Holder argued. “The possibility that someone might be denied the privilege of partaking in them is not a threat to our way of life.”

Voting, on the other hand, is an essential right,” Holder continued. “It is not contingent upon a requirement that voters must identify themselves. Voters may have valid reasons for not wanting to be identified. Maybe there are warrants out. Maybe he's behind in child support payments. Maybe he lacks documentation of his citizenship. None of these deficiencies cancel a person's human right to vote for who will rule over him. So, I cannot standby and allow any state or any court to infringe upon anyone's right to vote.”

Mar 25

VP Lauds Obama's Audacious Killing of bin-Laden

Vice-President Joe Biden praised the killing of Osama bin-Laden, calling it “the most audacious plan of the past 500 years.”

Asked about other possible contenders for “most audacious plan”--the D-Day invasion of Normandy during WWII or Washington's Christmas Day attack on Hessian troops in 1776—Biden replied “no contest.”

The raid that killed bin-Laden was carried out without any casualties for our side,” Biden pointed out. “The same can't be said for any other action taken by any other president. Let's not forget that Allied Forces had 10,000 casualties on D-Day and 2500 men were killed. That's a bit of a blemish on that accomplishment.”

Bin-Laden was hiding,” Biden said. “No one knew for sure where he was. Normandy was an obvious target. Everyone knew the Nazis were there. And don't get me started about the Hessians. They were drunk from throwing a loud Christmas party. Finding them and whipping them was a cinch.”

Taking out bin-Laden was televised to the White House,” Biden recalled. “President Obama was virtually there with the Seals as the mission unfolded. Roosevelt played a more remote part in the D-Day event. And Washington wasn't even president when he led the Christmas raid.”

Finally, the level of risk was incomparable,” Biden asserted. “Even if D-Day had turned into a disaster it wouldn't have been Roosevelt's first. Anyone remember Pearl Harbor? And Washington had a pretty mediocre war record prior to that raid. In short, neither one of them was putting a perfect record on the line. No, the reward for guts clearly has to go to President Obama. I think voters will see that and reelect him in November.”

Apr 1

President Defends “Flexibility” Remarks

In what President Obama believed to be an “off-the-record” exchange, he was overheard requesting “space” from the Russians until after the November election when he would have more “flexibility.” This would-be covert conversation has raised suspicions about his intended defense policies for a prospective second term.

Doing the right thing and doing the popular thing are not always one-and-the-same,” Obama explained. “I want to be able to do what's right. But it will be of no avail if I'm not reelected. All I was asking of the Russians was to lay low for the next eight months to let me get this last election out of the way. There'll be plenty of time after that to iron out the details of the relationship between our two countries.”

The Russians have been pressing for an abandonment of the United States' missile defense system. They view this system as a threat to their nation's security. “We have no similar capability,” Russian President Dmitry Medvedev complained. “All we are asking is for a more balanced equation. Exposure to mutual annihilation would provide that balance.”

President Obama is reportedly hoping to make the risk of mutual annihilation disappear by eliminating nuclear weapons. “For too long, nuclear weapons have held humanity hostage,” Obama said. “If we take them out of the mix others will not have to arm themselves with them as a defense against American imperialism. The world could be restored to the less threatening environment that prevailed before the first nuclear bomb was dropped.”

Rather than make these complicated issues part of the debate in the run up to November, I'm asking that they be put aside,” Obama requested. “I think I've done enough to have earned the American people's trust on defense and foreign policy. Remember, I was the one who killed bin-Laden. None of my potential opponents has done anything as impressive in the way of demonstrating their bonafides.”

In related news, the Russian newspaper Pravda endorsed President Obama's reelection.

Apr 8

President Illuminates Philosophies of Government

Gearing up for what promises to be a difficult campaign, President Obama laid into his critics saying “they want you to be on your own.” He contrasted this “social darwinism” approach to his “on us” philosophy.

The idea that Americans want to be left alone to pursue happiness on their own is clearly out-of-step with the way most Americans think,” Obama maintained. “People only go to work because they have to, not because they want to. When they're on the job they're watching the clock waiting for the workday to end. They look forward to the weekend, not the workweek. So my opponents' promise of more opportunity to earn a good life through hard work misses the boat.”

The President pointed to statistics indicating that the percentage of adults in the US workforce is the lowest it has been in decades as evidence that “the difficult transition to a leisure-based society is making headway. Under my leadership millions have been able to drop out of the workforce. These people now have more time to spend with their families, enjoy hobbies, watch TV, or do the many things they previously had to forgo because they had to get to a job and punch a time clock.”

The choice for voters this Fall will be whether they want to continue on the path I've laid out over the last three years or whether they want to turn back toward the dismal life of toil that my opponents offer,” Obama said. “The GOP says 'you're on your own.' The Democratic Party says why struggle to pursue happiness. Let it be 'on us.' I'm confident that only a fool would choose to pay his own way when he could vote to live off another.”

Apr 15

Pelosi Confident Women's Votes Will Mean Democratic Sweep in November

Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) says she is confident she will regain the gavel when Democrats sweep the November elections.

Just looking at the top of the ticket has to give every Democrat a sense of optimism,” Pelosi crowed. “On the GOP side we have Mitt Romney—a man who virtually imprisoned his own wife, kept her from seeking gainful employment and used her to breed five children—all sons, mind you. Are women going to vote for this kind of misogynist or are they going to appreciate that before he was president Senator Obama helped his wife get a $300,000 no-show job in addition to gifting her with two lovely daughters?”

If the comparative life stories of the presidential candidates don't sway female voters the policy differences ought to,” Pelosi argued. “Democrats have a long record of championing women's rights. Republicans tout marriage and family as the foundation of our social structure. Democrats have freed women from this trap by ensuring that they can still have children without having to marry a man, that the financial support they need is there for the taking from the generosity of the government.”

Free food, clothing, and shelter isn't all we Democrats have given to women,” Pelosi went on. “Thanks to Secretary Sebelius, the government has now mandated free birth control for every woman. And President Obama has appointed two women to the Supreme Court. No other president has done that.”

Pelosi admitted to being buoyed by polls showing that Democrats are favored by 65% of female voters. “The path to government of, by, and for women is clear,” Pelosi said. “Voting for President Obama is a no-brainer. However, he can't do it alone. We need Democratic majorities in Congress to ensure this transformation won't be blocked. If women unite to vote their interests the Democratic Party will be running things from here on.”

In related news, according to official records, women on the White House staff are paid 18% less than men. This is okay, though, according to White House Chief of Staff Jack Lew because “most of the men have more years of experience. There's also the issue of job performance. You can't just make a gender to gender comparison and conclude that somebody's getting unfair treatment.”

Ironically, the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Restoration Act passed by a Democratic majority Congress in 2009 requires exactly that comparison and conclusion. Whether this Act will be enforced in this instance is unknown.

Apr 22

Obama Press Secretary Says GOP Is Politicizing Election

President Obama's Press Secretary Jay Carney lashed out at the GOP for “politicizing the upcoming elections.” “They're trying to exploit so-called scandals and policy failures for political gain,” Carney complained.

The scandals referenced by Carney included the sexploits of the Secret Service in Columbia and lavish parties thrown by the General Services Administration (GSA).

These things aren't the President's fault,” Carney insisted. “Historically, the role of the Secret Service has been to cover up the President's illicit sexual liaisons, not engage in their own. What would've happened to President Kennedy or Clinton if their bodyguards had been as self-serving as those assigned to President Obama?”

As for the GSA, the biggest scandalous party didn't even cost a million dollars,” Carney pointed out. “It didn't amount to a hill of beans in a budget that's over a trillion dollars in the red. Besides, abusing the expense account is one of the perks of the job. And let's not forget that every dollar spent helps stimulate the economy. So is what they are doing really such a bad thing?”

Even more absurd is the implication that there have been significant policy failures,” Carney added. “The premise that high unemployment, high gas prices, and high deficits are undesirable is mistaken. These are necessary steps on the path to the social transformation the President promised voters in 2008.”

Carney characterized the “negativity toward the President as disloyalty bordering on treason. It's one thing to run for office. I mean, we wouldn't have much of a democracy if there was only one candidate on the ballot. But tearing down what he's trying to do goes beyond the pro forma requirements of the democratic process.”

In related news, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) urged the President's critics to reconsider. “You know, the President has been so patient and respectful toward these people,” Pelosi contended. “They should remember that it is in his power to have them jailed or even killed if he deems them a threat to the government.”

Apr 29

EPA Official Regrets Remarks

Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) Region 6 administrator Al Armendariz apologized for boasting that the Obama Administration's approach toward environmental enemies was to “crucify them.” Armendariz attributed his remarks to his misunderstanding of the scope of the President's authority.

While it is agreed that the President is empowered to kill those he deems a threat, I have been advised by the Attorney General that actually crucifying them would be construed as 'cruel and unusual,'” Armendariz said. “Only more covert methods are currently approved.”

Armendariz acknowledged “the President's right to impose whatever restrictions he sees fit. After all, he is our ruler. I have to think, though, that a more demonstrative display of the consequences of opposing the President's agenda would be more effective as a deterrent. I mean, crucifixion was a very effective enforcement tool for the Romans. Since their empire lasted a thousand years I wouldn't be so quick to disdain their methods.”

EPA Administrator Lisa Jackson further clarified Armendariz's statement, insisting that “the crucifixion we had in mind was never a literal duplication of the Roman practice. Bankrupting the businesses and destroying the reputations of those we deem responsible for polluting the environment is as far as we intend to go at this time.”



May 6

Obama Autobiography Revealed to Be Mostly Fictitious

President Obama's putative autobiography—Dreams from My Father—is apparently mostly “made up stuff.” Nonexistent characters and imaginary events comprise the bulk of the content. The only verified content seems to be that the President was alive during the years depicted and that he must, therefore, have had a father—even though precisely who that might have been hasn't been confirmed.

Press Secretary Jay Carney rebuffed criticism that the President's book is a work of fiction. “Look, the title says it all,” Carney defensively asserted. “It's pretty tame compared to my dreams. It has no space aliens, no naked clowns, and no spankings. It could've been a lot more lurid. I think we ought to give the President credit for being a lot more modest liar than most of us would be under similar circumstances.”

In other circles, the autobiography's lack of connection to reality is being hailed as another sign of Obama's genius. “Most people would be hard pressed to write a factual account of their own lives,” declared MSNBC's Chris Matthews. “Yet, here we have a man that was able to create an alternate reality using only the power of his own mind. Reelecting him for another four year term would fall far short of what we ought to be doing. We ought to be begging him to stay on for life to rule over us like one of Plato's philosopher kings.”

May 13

Obama's Aunt Complains of Abuse in Autobiography

President Obama's aunt Zeituni Onyango has recently published a memoir of her time in America. The book is titled Tears of Abuse. It alleges that her time in this country has been nothing but torment.

Residing in the United States illegally from 2002 until she was granted asylum by the Obama Administration in 2010, Zeituni's book complains of the “shabby accommodations” and “meager sustenance” she was forced to suffer through while on public assistance during that period. “I had to live in public housing amidst an agglomeration of the common riffraff,” Zeituni wrote. “There was no one to prepare my meals. I was given food stamps and told I had to fetch my own food and cook my own meals. I felt humiliated.”

Obama's aunt attributed her treatment to “America's racist mindset. My nephew was an important figure in the government—first a state senator, later a US senator, and finally the president. Still, I was denied the status befitting someone whose family member was part of the ruling class. This wouldn't have happened to me if I were white.”

Thus far, the book's sales have been weak—a phenomenon Zeituni says further bolsters her case that she has “been the victim of racial discrimination from the first day I set foot in this God forsaken land.”

May 20

Geithner Admits “Finance Has Never Been My Strong Point”

In an interview for PBS News Hour, US Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner confessed to being “severely confused” by matters of finance.

A few years ago I was being mocked for messing up my taxes,” Geithner complained. “But, really now, who can figure out the tax code? It's such a mixed up pile of contradictory rules and instructions that I'd be surprised if anybody got it right.”

This deficit stuff, what's that all about?” Geithner wondered. “How can the government be short of money? I've been to the mint and it seems we can print as much as we need. If there's a capacity problem with the presses couldn't we just switch over from ones to hundreds?”

And don't get me started on this whole debt ceiling thing,” the Secretary added. “I don't get why we are borrowing money when we can print as much as we want. It seems like the Republicans are banging this drum to try to confuse voters and turn them against the President.”

As baffled as he seems on fiscal matters, Geithner claimed to have a firm grasp on the economic impacts of the Administration's program. “More individuals have been relieved of the necessity to work under President Obama than under any of his predecessors,” he boasted. “The unemployment rate has been steadily coming down as more and more people realize they don't have to have a job to put food on the table—that's what food stamps are for. The President's generosity on this alone is unparalleled in our nation's history.”



May 27

President Blames Deficit on “Greedy Taxpayers”

Despite running up federal deficits at a faster pace than any previous president, Obama says he is not at fault. “Deficits aren't the result of spending alone,” the President pointed out. “Deficits occur when there is a gap between spending and revenue. If you look at the trends for both you will see that it is the revenue line that has flattened while the spending line has remained pretty much on track with prior periods.”

Of course revenues aren't keeping up because taxpayer earnings aren't keeping up. Business profits are down. Employees have been thrown out of work. The base upon which the tax revenue stream is founded has shrunk. Nevertheless, Obama complained that “These people are selfishly focused on their own problems. They pressure their congressmen to oppose the tax increases that are necessary to cover government expenses. When deficits inevitably soar they take no responsibility for how their own greed has caused the problem.”

Vice-President Joe Biden echoed Obama's thinking in a speech accusing the Tea Party of “thwarting President Obama's plan to save the economy. We're trying to get everyone to pitch-in to help us get out of the recession. But these Tea Party guys got voters worked up using the false notion that whatever they own is theirs by right. Well, in this country, it's the government that determines who owns what. It is our view that the government must control all our resources in order to ensure that they are used effectively and efficiently. Reelecting the President is the only way we can guarantee that this happens.”

The President also got support from Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev), who said that “Americans must get used to paying higher taxes if they want the government to continue to serve them.” Reid denounced the idea that the government might already be taxing us too much as “extremism of the worst sort. It's not the terrorists who pose the biggest threat. It's those who would starve government of the resources it needs.”

Jun 3