President Admits He Sometimes Forgets the Magnitude of the Recession

President Obama asked voters to forgive him if he sometimes fails to feel their pain over lost employment, foreclosed homes, and mounting personal debt.

“I've led kind of a sheltered life,” the President admitted. “I went to private schools when I was young. I had a scholarship to go to college. I never really had to worry about working to pay my own way. Now, of course, as President, I live in a big house with dozens of servants. I have my own jumbo jet to fly me wherever I want. So, you can see how it might be hard for me to relate to the common people.”

Obama said he hoped that voters wouldn't forget that “the recession is not my fault. It started before I got here. I've done everything I could to try to correct the problem. What other president has spent as much to try to heal the economy? I mean, how much more generous could I have been?”

Obama's Aunt Complains of Abuse in Autobiography

President Obama's aunt Zeituni Onyango has recently published a memoir of her time in America. The book is titled Tears of Abuse. It alleges that her time in this country has been nothing but torment.

Residing in the United States illegally from 2002 until she was granted asylum by the Obama Administration in 2010, Zeituni's book complains of the “shabby accommodations” and “meager sustenance” she was forced to suffer through while on public assistance during that period. “I had to live in public housing amidst an agglomeration of the common riffraff,” Zeituni wrote. “There was no one to prepare my meals. I was given food stamps and told I had to fetch my own food and cook my own meals. I felt humiliated.”

Obama's aunt attributed her treatment to “America's racist mindset. My nephew was an important figure in the government—first a state senator, later a US senator, and finally the president. Still, I was denied the status befitting someone whose family member was part of the ruling class. This wouldn't have happened to me if I were white.”

Thus far, the book's sales have been weak—a phenomenon Zeituni says further bolsters her case that she has “been the victim of racial discrimination from the first day I set foot in this God forsaken land.”

Question about Secrets on Third Grade Test Defended

New Jersey third-grade public school students were asked to disclose a secret about their lives and discuss why it's hard to keep. Parents who raised objections over what possible relevance such a question could have for assessing a child's academic progress were said to be “overreacting” by school authorities.

“First of all, the answers to this question aren't graded, per se,” explained Elinor Schnoop, spokesperson for the New Jersey Department of Education. “A student can't fail the test no matter what answer he or she gives. That's not the purpose for asking this question.”

The purpose is apparently “more socially oriented.” “Let's say the secret is that the child is being abused at home,” Schnoop said. “Wouldn't that be important information for the school to know? Or what if the student is gay or masturbates? The school could take steps to reassure the student that this is perfectly normal.”

Safety was another rationale offered. “What if the secret is that the parents have a gun in the home?” the Schnoop asked. “What if the parents have deviant political views, belong to a militia, or are anti-immigrant? Teasing this kind of information out of students could help promote national security.”

Democrats Make Gay Marriage a Major Political Issue

President Obama announced that his thinking has evolved to the point where he now supports the idea that persons of the same sex are entitled to marry one another. “Look, Jesus spent his career in the company of men,” Obama pointed out. “He never married. I think we have a pretty good indication that it was only the prejudice of the religious and secular authorities that prevented him hooking up with one of the Apostles—perhaps the famous 'beloved apostle.' I say it's time that prejudice and repression of gays come to an end.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) said she is hoping that the President's endorsement of gay marriage will persuade voters “to look past economic disappointments and reward the President and his Party for this momentous achievement. The President's courageous decision is a reminder to us all that petty concerns over paychecks and jobs pale in comparison to the need to establish equal rights for all. President Obama filled my heart with joy. I think his action here fulfills Jesus' message of universal love.”

Representative Barney Frank (D-Mass) predicted that this open endorsement of gay rights will be a winning issue for Democrats in November because “it gives America's gay majority the incentive to come out in force to reelect the President. I would advise every Democrat to get on this bandwagon while they can.” The first wave of Democrats taking Frank's advice included Representatives Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (Fla), Nita Lowey (NY), Jim Himes (Conn), Jared Polis (Colo), Peter Welch (Vt), Xavier Becerra (Calif) and Jackie Speier (Calif).

In related news, a bill that would make it a crime to try to dissuade children from choosing a homosexual lifestyle is expected to pass in that state's heavily Democratic legislature. California Senate Bill 1172 would make it illegal for therapists, psychologists, counselors and parents to engage in any kind of “sexual orientation change efforts” for children 18 and younger. The bill's sponsor, Senator Ted Lieu (D-Torrance), maintained that “a person's sexual orientation is in his genes. Anyone who attempts to divert a person from his or her gay destiny is committing a crime against human nature.”

President to Crack Down on Obesity in Second Term

Contending that obesity is a bigger threat than Islamic terror, White House chef and food initiative coordinator Sam Kass says that combating this threat will be a major focus of the President's second term.

“Let's face it, too many of us are too damned fat,” Kass observed. “Given the opportunity to freely choose their own diets a distressingly large percentage consistently make the wrong choices. Preventing these wrong choices is crucial to the collective health and well-being of our society.”

Of course, preventing wrong choices is a daunting task in a free country. Kass hinted that indoctrinating youth would be one way to make this happen. “In the First Lady's 'Let's Move' program I've seen kids dancing and cheering for vegetables,” Kass remembered. “Getting adults to join in is the next step.” For those skeptical about the prospect of adults dancing and cheering for vegetables, Kass pointed out that “they do it in China.”

Kass declined to speculate on whether a so-called “fat tax” might be enacted, but argued that it could be very persuasive. “If you've got to pay more for every pound of blubber you add you'll think twice about having a cheese burger or a dessert,” Kass maintained. “In my opinion, issuing an Executive Order imposing such a tax is something President Obama should consider.”

NAACP Flunks GOP Legislators

The latest National Association for the Advancement of Colored People annual Civil Rights Legislative Report Card gives every Republican member of the US House and Senate a failing grade.

NAACP President, Benjamin Jealous, explained the grades saying “the GOP has consistently opposed advancing the interests of African Americans. Their argument that they want a 'color blind' rule of law explicitly rejects the idea of special help for our people. Equal opportunity is not enough to compensate us for centuries of slavery and oppression.”

Jealous suggested that the GOP might improve future grades by helping pass reparations legislation. “Incalculable harm was done to our ancestors,” Jealous said. “If we took every last dime a white man earned in his lifetime it wouldn't repay the damages caused by his ancestors. Many generations would need to toil to pay off this debt. Voting to get started on retiring this debt might move the GOP up to a grade of 'D.'”

Bin Laden Alibi Memo Called “No Big Deal”

Revelation that CIA Director Leon Panetta drafted a memo that would've been used to absolve President Obama of blame had the mission to kill Osama bin Laden failed was labeled “no big deal” by Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney. Targeted to take the fall was Naval Special Operations Commander Adm. Bill McRaven.

“Protecting the President is 'job #1' for everyone working for the federal government,” Carney contended. “The President is the essential man in our government. Everyone else is expendable. I mean, who's ever heard of McRaven? Would it be the end of the world if he were made a scapegoat?”

“Realistically, sacrificing one man's career is a small price to pay for preserving the President's credibility,” Carney added. “Taking the blame for your Commander-in-Chief is an obligation that any soldier or sailor should be proud of. He could've been asked for a lot more. After all, Secret Service agents are routinely expected to take a bullet for the President. Next to that, being designated a fool or blunderer for a botched mission should be considered a walk in the park.”