Obama Autobiography Revealed to Be Mostly Fictitious

President Obama's putative autobiography—Dreams from My Father—is apparently mostly “made up stuff.” Nonexistent characters and imaginary events comprise the bulk of the content. The only verified content seems to be that the President was alive during the years depicted and that he must, therefore, have had a father—even though precisely who that might have been hasn't been confirmed.

Press Secretary Jay Carney rebuffed criticism that the President's book is a work of fiction. “Look, the title says it all,” Carney defensively asserted. “It's pretty tame compared to my dreams. It has no space aliens, no naked clowns, and no spankings. It could've been a lot more lurid. I think we ought to give the President credit for being a lot more modest liar than most of us would be under similar circumstances.”

In other circles, the autobiography's lack of connection to reality is being hailed as another sign of Obama's genius. “Most people would be hard pressed to write a factual account of their own lives,” declared MSNBC's Chris Matthews. “Yet, here we have a man that was able to create an alternate reality using only the power of his own mind. Reelecting him for another four year term would fall far short of what we ought to be doing. We ought to be begging him to stay on for life to rule over us like one of Plato's philosopher kings.”

President Warns Court on Obamacare Ruling

President Barack Obama sought to ward off the possibility of the US Supreme Court invalidating his signature health care legislation by promising “severe consequences will ensue should they make that mistake.”

One of the “severe consequences” the President said he is contemplating is “to wreak havoc on the elderly by disrupting Medicare in a way that will torment this vulnerable segment of the population.”

On a more personal level. Obama threatened to diminish the status of the sitting Justices by appointing additional members to the Court. “The Constitution doesn't say there should by nine judges on the Supreme Court,” Obama pointed out. “Nineteen would be an equally constitutional number. How would they like to see their votes diluted? How would they like to have to share office space?”

The President was unfazed by former President Franklin Roosevelt's failure in his attempt to expand the number of Justices during his administration. “FDR's mistake was that he asked Congress to legislate an increase in the number of judges,” Obama said. “Even though Democrats controlled both houses, divergent views and competing egos blocked his effort. I won't make that mistake. I will simply issue an Executive Order expanding the size of the Court on my own authority as the duly elected ruler of this nation.”

Pelosi Calls for End to Raids on Marijuana Producers and Distributors

Taking an uncharacteristic stand in favor of “states' rights,” House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) beseeched President Obama to put an end to federal efforts to impede the production, distribution, and use of marijuana in states where it is legal.

“I know how important it is to the President to establish the absolute supremacy of the federal government in all matters,” Pelosi conceded. “I share that goal. Nevertheless, we can't allow ourselves to lose sight of the fact that marijuana users are a prime constituency of the Democratic Party. So, while I'd normally say 'screw states' rights,' in this case I think we have a rationale for making an exception that can work in our favor.”

California voters legalized the use of marijuana for medicinal purposes in a 1996 initiative. Since then users abiding by state law have still been exposed to criminal sanctions under federal law. The Obama Administration has continued federal action to suppress marijuana use in California and other states despite a 2008 pre-election promise to end this practice. Attorney General Eric Holder explained that “those who want us to look the other way know what they've got to do. So far, they just haven't held up their side of the bargain.”

Administration Wants Easier Access to Cell Phone Records

The Obama Administration is demanding Congress pass legislation granting law enforcement greater access to personal cell phone records.

“Right now we have to show probable cause to obtain a warrant for these kinds of records,” complained Deputy Assistant Attorney General Jason Weinstein. “This demands that we must present some evidence that we have reason to believe a crime has been or will be committed before we can get a judge to issue that warrant. This standard is too strict.”

Weinstein argued that “a broader, more general authority to scrutinize cell phone activity would help us uncover crimes and other undesirable behavior that we'd otherwise miss” while simultaneously downplaying fears of an invasion of privacy. “If people aren't doing anything wrong, why should they care if law enforcement knows what they're up to?” Weinstein asked. “Besides, cell phone calls are transmitted through the people's airways. As the representative of the people, government has a responsibility to see that these airways are not misused. No one forces a person to use a cell phone. If he does I think he voluntarily cedes his right to privacy.”

Bid to Capture Women's Votes Intensifies

Already leading in the polls when it comes to women's votes, the Obama campaign laid out a bold plan to seal the deal with a short film called the “Life of Julia.” In the film, the government is portrayed as Julia's omnipresent caregiver and overseer.

“Both psychology and our polling data indicate that the thing women want most is to be taken care of,” said Obama campaign adviser David Axelrod. “Sadly, the traditional method of achieving this objective—being part of a loving family as a daughter, wife, mother, etc.--is defective. What we're offering is for the government to slip in and substitute for the roles that would traditionally be played by fathers and husbands.”

“Government has more resources at its disposal than any individual man could bring to his family,” Axelrod bragged. “Government is immortal and ubiquitous. A woman would never have to worry about it becoming unemployed or asking for a divorce. She wouldn't have to cook it meals, wash its socks, or put up with tiresome demands for sex or affection. If we can effectively communicate these facts we feel confident that the vast majority of women will vote Democrat this November.”

Warren Campaign Hits Road Bump

Democrat Elizabeth Warren, candidate for the Massachusetts senate seat now held by Republican Scott Brown, saw her campaign hit rough going over her claimed Native American ancestry.

Not only is the highly diluted nature of her claim (by her own account, she is one-thirty-second Native American) dogging her, but her boast that her great-great-great grandfather killed and scalped General Custer at the Battle of the Little Big Horn in 1876 hasn't gone over as well as she had hoped.

Warren speculated that the negative reaction stems from sexism. “When Senator Kerry cut the ears off of the Viet Cong he killed he was considered a big war hero,” Warren declared. “And everybody's praising the President for killing bin Laden. Is it because I'm a woman that I can't get the same kind of respect?”

Russia Weighing Preemptive Strike

Charging that NATO's anti-missile system poses a threat to its “strategic flexibility,” Moscow says it reserves the right to initiate a preemptive attack. Russian Chief of General Staff Nikolai Makarov says he isn't buying the United States' contention that the system is purely defensive in nature.

“The Americans say that their anti-missiles would only be deployed against incoming missiles,” Makarov observed. “But this in itself is offensive. Russia's security may require a surprise first strike. American efforts to blunt such an option would fundamentally undermine our strategic planning.”

Makarov's remarks were described as “incredibly poorly timed” by the Obama Administration. “Medvedev personally assured me that he would put a lid on this kind of rhetoric until after November,” Obama complained. “I thought I'd made it clear to him that his country's needs would be met after I secured my reelection. Coming from a place where elections are just for show, I guess he doesn't realize the trouble this causes me.”

City Warns Victims of Vandalism

San Francisco businesses whose windows were broken by “Occupy” protesters and whose subsequently boarded-up buildings were spray-painted with graffiti by local hoodlums were advised by city officials that they would be fined $500 a day if “the facilities are not put in acceptable condition within 30 days.”

“Rules are rules,” said Otto Lawless, head of the City's Zoning Enforcement Division. “I have to do my job. Can you imagine how decrepit and dilapidated our city would look if I didn't.”

Lawless said the affected businesses who feel that the police could've done more to protect their property in the first place “should quit their whining. Vandalism is just one of the costs of doing business in the city. Those who don't want to pay for it always have the option to get out of town.”