Attention patriots, Constitutionalists, freedom lovers everywhere! By now we've all heard that certain agencies in and possibly around the state of Missouri have essentially declared us to be terrorists. They have a certain amount of documentary proof, consisting of flags that we have born for hundreds of years, so factually they cannot be assailed. The rest of the text of this document is pure say-so, but it all has a familiar ring to it. In short, I think they have us nailed.

It may in fact be that we are terrorists. And if this is the case, we are way behind the game. I can't think of any single person or organization we've properly terrorized.

Not that I don't want to give credit where credit is do. I know that many of you have made certain people squeamish, even to the point where when we found out they really didn't want us at the RNC, we snuck away and had our own little shin-dig across the river. And as our economic predictions for America come true and we get some air-play, we can see we've become a skin and eye irritant because people on Main Street and Wall Street are crying.

Or are those tears of joy for the Obama administration? I can't tell anymore. The point is, when we do something, we don't do it by halves, we do it all the way. If we're supposed to be terrorists, let's not stop until each and every person in the nation is terrorized. And I offer the following ideas about how we can all get started in our own neighborhoods.

1. Remember those pancake-breakfast fund-raisers at the local church? Pop on a gorilla mask and viola! Terrorize the whole deaconate at one swoop!

2. Money bomb II. Throw so much money at someone that they almost think you mean to suffocate them. Our version of waterboarding. Funny how waterboarding used to be something we did behind a boat but we're adapting along with the times.

3. I'm not sure we terrorized him, but hustling Hannity into his hotel in NH with a few well-placed snowballs, that was kind of experimental but it showed potential.

4. Many civic organizations such as the Salvation Army allow us the opportunity to interact with the public in stealth. For example, being a bell-ringer in a Santa suit during the holidays, you can always terrorize a passer-by by shouting "BOO" when they least expect it. But take it a step further, get your own Santa suit and ring a bell out of season. That would terrorize me, I know that much.

 

5. NEVER EVER be afraid to go with the old stand-byes, the rubber snakes, spiders and mice. They have worked for centuries and they can work for us. The rubber dog-poop, the fake severed-finger in the gift-box are almost biblical in their dependability when served with timing and discretion.

Just remember, as legitimately terrorized as these people are of world events, the economy, the increasingly brutal police state and increasingly unjust laws, we have stiff competition in the terror department. We have to think BEYOND the bake sales and the face painting. WE MUST THINK BEYOND ice-cream socials and blimps and balloons. And brother and sisters, we must think BEYOND wearing funny hats and buttons and bouncing about town with a cheerful demeanor.

That is why, today, for the benefit of the movement, I ask you to redouble your efforts and buy a scary mask, costume or just a set of fake vampire teeth. Stop buying guns and food and doing what makes us feel safe. Let us show America we mean business by clearing out the novelty shops of all whoopee cushions and chattering teeth, both of normal and glow-in-the-dark varieties! Let spooky music emanate from all our houses and Vincent Price movies remain on our televisions and computer monitors!

Fellow patriots, we have prepared for this time for a long time. We knew there would come a time when we would have to lay down our productive occupations, to leave the security of our families and farmsteads, to kiss our children farewell and put on cheaply improvised halloween costumes for the cause of freedom. Or maybe fly the blimps at night full of weird lights and stuff and suggest it was UFOs and really get them talking.

 

The point is this. Apparently the law enforcement officers of Missouri feel this is necessary and if you can't stand up for the Ozarks, your state will be next. And the next thing you know, we'll be accused of not standing up for our brothers and sisters in uniform.

 

And you know where that will put this movement? I don't have to tell you that half of us are active or ex-military/law enforcement. We'll be left scaring ourselves for all eternity.