Washington DC, 01/20/2009.   The millions attending newly sworn-in President Obama's innauguration are reported to be zombies resurrected by the power of our nation's new executive. Apparently concealed in the language of "change we can believe in" were the promises to stop war, make the old young again, return the dead to the living and lower the price of bread. Such a prompt ressurection of the dead bodes well for other Obama administration objectives.

In other developments, legislators and bankers could be seen cavorting about and slapping each other on the back like little dolts, confirming at least to this point, Obama's power to make the old young again.

Gold and precious metals immediately fell on international markets as, in the words of one investor, "who needs gold in a vault when we've got sunshine up our ass?". Asked if and then this would be reflected by falling bread prices at the supermarket, the investor replied "blow it out your ass, it's what we all do".

This leaves the world waiting for the cessation of war. Asked when this could be expected, a freshly empowered Obama staffer said "I think if you close your eyes really tight, you'll see things look a lot better already".