"Some are speculating that [Presidentish Joe] Biden," he wrote for the Washington Examiner on Tuesday, "may be medically revitalized during his visit to the Maryland presidential resort."

Others aren't merely speculating. We're convinced that the human body doesn't contain enough blood to produce a draw big enough to test for all the drugs he might be pumped full of before the June 27 presidential debate in Atlanta. 

A very few youthful indiscretions aside, I'm no expert in drug use. But I've certainly seen enough in my 55 years — several of them spent among the hippies in northern California — to have a few handy rules to help you tell who is on what.

Inappropriate laughter (See: Kamala Harris) and/or Cheetos? Marijuana.

Invites select people to the bathroom every eight-to-15 minutes? Cocaine.

Homeless/No teeth? Meth.

Can't stop dancing and/or sharing positive vibes? Ecstasy. 

Ate own face? Bath salts.

Seeing things no one else can/Convinced everything is "bendy?" LSD or shrooms.

Missing and/or dead? Heroin.

Died in the '90s? Crack cocaine.

Freshly dead? Fentanyl. 

I joke because it's either that or weep over the state of our Republic. 

Rewatch that clip of him at that Juneteenth celebration, smiling and staring without blinking at things that aren't there, and you might think he'd dropped a seriously good tab. Nobody gives POTUS the brown acid, I'm sure.

If only he could escape that weird paralysis thing, you'd expect him to start shouting, "ALLIGATOR LIZARDS IN THE AIR, JACK, JUST LIKE IN THE SONG!"

And if you'd shown me nothing more than a six-minute clip from Biden's State of the Union Address earlier this year, I would have guessed he was more coked up than the upper balcony at Studio 54. But since he stayed that way for more than an hour and never once mentioned the totally bitchin' screenplay he's been working on, if he could only find a producer, I knew it wasn't cocaine.