The Academy Awards are a myopic establishment dog and pony show that ignores artistic greatness in favor of the status quo. I've come up with a better alternative.

The cinematic cretins at the Academy Awards have consistently gotten things wrong over the years with their insipid choices inspired by political correctness, social cowardice and an appallingly pedestrian taste in film.

It is for this reason that I have taken it upon myself to create an alternative to the Oscars. Being that I'm a nice Irish-American lad I have named my alternative movie awards The Mickeys.

So here are the winners of the newest, most prestigious and illustrious (non-existent) awards in cinema… The Mickey Awards!

In the Academy Awards' usual inept fashion, they will reward Laura Dern for her strained turn as a lawyer in the ever dreadful and contrived Marriage Story.