— was found this morning shot twice in the back during what police are treating as a 4:20 a.m. botched robbery near his apartment in the Georgetown section of Washington, D.C., even though his murderer failed to take his wallet, cell phone, keys, watch or necklace. Oh, wait: Wrong Arkancide. Here, this is TODAY'S file:

In THIS Arkancide, being passed off as a jail-cell "suicide" at the Manhattan Metropolitan Correctional Center while the surveillance cameras were, um . . . not working . . . after a year-long IG investigation by Michael "Mr. Magoo" Horowitz, Bill Barr's crack team of "prosecutors" at the federal Department Of Justice will "decline to prosecute" the jail supervisor who told the two guards who normally would have been checking on Epstein to go take a three-hour "break" Friday night, because "We doubt we could prove 'intent,' as well as the fact it would be moot to try and prosecute after said supervisor coincidentally drowns in his bathtub next month."